HuskyPup

About me: I am 41, male, majored in English, emphasis in writing, have a deep and abiding love of nature, am very liberal, like music, watch little television, love old pinball machines, dislike malls and chain stores, enjoy mom and pop kinds of places, feel this age is one that is increasingly alienating, am gay, have a partner of 18 years, live in a loft in a crumbly old warehouse, am young at heart, even wild at heart, as James Joyce might have it. I am very much struggling financially, old medical and dental bills, didn’t have insurance most of my life, nor did my partner.

I guess I’ll let this stand as my introduction, you can ask me questions and I will answer……

I just moved, and I think I am suffering due to lack of having internet access at home. I am cut off from communicating with so many people this way, especially my friends in the ‘furry’ fandom(people who have an affinity towards and like to sometimes dress like animals), not to mention just cut off in general. I hope the phone company can come out like they said and get things working this Friday. Why it should take over a month just to transfer phone service is beyond my comprehension. No phone or no net for over a month……kept wanting to call somebody, but no way to do it.

So I took some long walks, tried to keep busy, found myself seeking human contact. Coffee shops have changed so much since the time I frequented them…..no longer very social, just a sea of lap-tops and text messaging, I try going to them to meet people and hang out like I remember them being back in school, but they are such quiet, sterile places now. So I headed to the Tavern where I know many people, from professional to bum, and got very loopy and then blacked out Saturday……combination of prescription pills, booze, weed. At least I only paid for the booze, and that was magnified by the other stuff, such that I didn’t drink so much as I might have.

I am often reminded how lonely I feel, how much I seek meaningful human contact, and how hard this is to find at my age, with so many folks married and what not, with families, and settled down. Very hard even to find ‘groups’ that share my interests: old pinball machines, the furry fandom(people who have an affinity to/dress up as animals), folks who like to read, but not the latest fluff, serious things…..often it seems that the local Tavern has yielded the best conversations about authors I enjoy, about art, politics, so many things that I enjoy discussing.

Deprived even of my virtual connections to others, I have gone a bit mad. This, with my night time working schedule has been hard on me.

So I am on day three, partly out of will-power, partly from being broke.

Last night, we had a bat fly into our loft space, an area of about 70 feet by 20 feet and about 15 feet tall, that we now call home. The bat flew about with the utmost agility for about an hour, before tiring, and roosting on a pipe on the ceiling. He seemed so much smaller, with his wings folded, hanging there.

At first, we tried to net him a sheet, to no avail. Then we just let him fly about. I washed the dishes, made dinner, my bf watched TV, ducking occasionally as the bat went by.

Not much we could do really, other than accept a bat was flying about.

Hanging there, he looked sort of cute; I left the windows open, and this morning, I saw no signs of him, hopefully he is back outside, but in an odd way, I will miss that bat.

Has seemed very quiet in the ‘secular’ section……have been tempted to post elsewhere, but am still scared of the hardcore steps/big book bunch , not my thing, no offense to those that use them, just not a system I find helpful. But I decided to post here anyway, just to see what folks have to say, try to keep an open mind. I’m not religious/spiritual in that I believe in ‘higher powers’, and in ‘taking what I want and leaving the rest’, I find it all too entangled, too enmeshed as one central idea, that I find I can’t really take part of it without taking, in essence, the whole. How to explain this? If I find anything sacred, it is sexual energy, the ongoing electric impulse that drives us along as animals, and it is just as physical as it is spiritual to me, but not something that is a 'power' that you can ask things of.

I've never been able to wrap my mind around AA due to the book/steps, the way God turns up so much: I tried once what somebody said, black out the parts that did not help, and most of the book was like that: it seemed more like the structure that I had a problem with, not the parts, and it's hard to take what you want from a structure without the whole thing collapsing, if I can use a metaphor.

So I read about sponsors and all, and think I would like some person to person support....just not in a big book based way..........and am still searching. Also, hard to find meetings when I get out of work, at around 12 to 1 AM…….working nights is like a kind of other world than most people live ion, I have discovered, even as have tried to escape it for three years now…..


HP

brokenhalo

don't think of it as spiritual or religious, but psychological. the steps help dismantle the habitually sick ego, provide access to our "shadow" side if you will, and lead toward a healthy reconciliation with, and management of, those unconscious dysfunctions that bloom into the outside world through our behaviors. it's depth work without the psychotherapist, and a journey into a higher consciousness without the dogma. you don't like the big book? don't read it. eh, just my take.

"all addiction is the result of repressed emotion"--something i read somewhere once.

take care,

bh

Dee74

Hi Husky Pup

I'm glad you decided to post here.

You will get a range of opinions and responses - the important thing to remember is you are the final judge of which viewpoints speak to you and which ones don't. Nothing to fear.... in any case better hanging out here than the Tavern right?

I don't do AA myself and thats worked for me.

What I did do was commit myself to not drinking anymore - for any reason.

I figured, at my age, I'd done enough experimenting to realise alcohol no longer does anything good for me...in my case it was actually killing me.

With that conviction, and the help of the good folk here, I've been sober for nearly two and a half years....

and I've finally been able to start working on some of the underlying stuff in myself and my life that led me to drinking in the first place.

You can intelectualize the process, and you can wrap it up in as much or as little dogma as you like - but the basic crux of sobriety is wanting - yearning - to be sober, and being willing to do whatever it takes to maintain that. Without action, all the rest is meaningless.

It's in the support systems where we find personal preference comes into play. I hope you find some things here that help you make that choice.

Welcome to newcomers, HP
D

NewBeginning010

Hi HP, sorry to hear that you are going through a rough spot. I hope that things pick up for you soon. Your bat story was written well, hope he comes back for a visit if you are lonely ;-) I get ya re the coffee shops these days... sea of laptops.

You have a lot of people here that are going through some of the things that you are going through. Are you more addicted to alcohol or other substances? I didnt get an understanding as to where you are at with your addiction & the effects that it is having on your life.

Keep on posting & sharing, there are a lot of people here that care.

All of the best,

NB

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

You'll find that people here use many different recovery methods, and the bottom line is that you should do whatever works for you.

There is lots of support and information here, so keep reading and posting.

meo348241

I think I share some of your pain. I'm not all that into pinball or the furry scene, although the occasional game if fun and I do enjoy the Flaming Lips. Anyway, I'm really into philosophy but I live in a bumblef@#k little town where meaningful conversations, let alone ones about Plato or Heidegger, are few and far between. Unfortunately, most of times I have found them around town were in bar rooms. I also have some pretty eccelctic and obscure musical tastes, guess where folks like that tend to congregate? If its not at a bar it usually involves lines, pipes, pills and whatever else. Its really tough. I'm not trying to give a sob story here though. Like I said, I live in a pretty backwards area. Nevertheless, I've managed to find a really cool guy thats in recovery who's also an accomplished jazz musician and who shares a lot of my musical interests. I've also stayed close to a former philosophy professor who probably drank 10 glasses of wine in his life. My point being that interesting people can be found just about anywhere and they're all not wrapped up in drinking and using. Some used to be and, much to my suprise, some people never had an interest in ruining their lives and still managed to live life outside of the mainstream. Maybe I'm just pointing out the obvious, but its something that I need to remind myself of. Otherwise I start to try to convince myself that I need to party in order to stay connected to hip people.

I'll go out on a limb and guess that your bf shares some of your interests/tastes. I have that with my wife. When I was actively using, I had a pretty large supporting cast. Now for the most part, its me and her. Seriously, right now, its enough. Obviously I'm on here talking to people and the guys I mentioned above and theres a few others here and there, but man do I just enjoy spending time with her. I know my drinking and such caused me to neglect my marriage. Perhaps thats the case with the two of you? Maybe thats something you can focus your energy on right now?

I also empathize with you're less than favorable work schedule. Right now I'm working this hellish weekend shift in a freezer/warehouse. I worked 14 hours today. Doesn't leave a lot of time to find a meeting. I'm not at all into AA/NA, so I'm not exactly looking for one either but if I was... This place is good for that. There's a wealth of good reading in the archives and I'm trying to post atleast one thing a day so as to force myself to stay on top of my problems.

So yea, I think its good that you posted your story and that you're taking measures to find what you need to gain sobriety. Stay out of them bars. Nothing good is going to be found there. Stay strong and keep looking.

brokenhalo

HuskyPup

Thanks for all the replies. The main problem is drinking, and on a 'binge' basis. I will go say 3 to 7 days and not drink, then one night, drink way too much. Then, the next day, I will go to the health food store, as if this meant redemption, and swear to not be as extreme in the future.

I have one prescription for TMJ/facial pain anxiety, but have taken these on and off, never has been a big deal tapering off.

So mainly the drinking worries me.

I guess I could skip the big book, and reconfigure the steps. I wonder of there are meetings where I'm not gonna be looked at and put down as some kind of Billy-bad-ass for taking this approach. I don't like the idea that we are somehow 'defective' very much either: I don't see people that way, it seems like a very negative way to approach things.

Well, hoping to maybe make some friends here, have no net access at home, hopefully by Friday.

Thanks for listening.....

HP

smacked

I don't think you'd have to chop up and redefine a program to what you *think* you need, to find one that works for you...

I don't use AA in my recovery, but I absolutely respect the folks that do.

There's a lot of different approaches out there. Maybe you'll find something that works for you.

The best way to quit drinking, is to quit drinking. Beyond that.. it's the staying quit that can be difficult, but doable. I committed to sobriety well before I considered a 'program' or recovery approach that suited me, as it was the entire point and fully within my control.

Reese321

I think you should write. Write a short story, or be ambitious and tackle a book. I have written before, actually I'm working on a book before this problem which has now helped me through the tough spots.

(Your grammar isn't bad and your allowance of seemingly insignificant incidents to exemplify a greater meaning is what more indepth exploration of humanity is all about.)

What did the bat mean to you? Change? The progress of time? Companionship? Obviously it enjected some sort of "entertainment" and thought into your life. Take the bats meaning and run with it.

I wish you good luck.

herennow

I loved reading your post and I hope that you find what you are looking for here because I look forward to reading more!

Dee74

hi again HP

Just thinking aloud, but maybe theres a programme out there that suits you? One you won't have to disregard and reconfigure large parts of?

Just in case you haven't seen this - here's a list of recovery programmes - by no means exhaustive but it might spark something?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...resources.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cular-web.html

D

otterbearcat

Hi HP,

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your post. I thought it was very well written. I can totally relate to what you said about finding connection in the tavern. Recently the thought has crossed my mind, 4 days ago in fact, I considered going to an old hang out to watch football and have a NA beer. But in the end, it seemed way to risky, that I would convince myself. "I can just have one". That I would drink it mindfully, and that would be it. But Im just not willing to risk it at this point.

Im a lesbian vegetarian who loves college football and who no longer drinks. And although I live in a big liberal city, I have found it hard to find groups to connect with. I have been doing yoga and hand drumming. Those are easy in a sense because your connecting but not having to 'talk'. Which for me is tough. Social Anxiety is one of the reasons I drank.

otterbearcat

Hi HP,

I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your post. I thought it was very well written. I can totally relate to what you said about finding connection in the tavern. Recently the thought has crossed my mind, 4 days ago in fact, I considered going to an old hang out to watch football and have a NA beer. But in the end, it seemed way to risky, that I would convince myself. "I can just have one". That I would drink it mindfully, and that would be it. But Im just not willing to risk it at this point.

Im a lesbian vegetarian who loves college football and who no longer drinks. And although I live in a big liberal city, I have found it hard to find groups to connect with. I have been doing yoga and hand drumming. Those are easy in a sense because your connecting but not having to 'talk'. Which for me is tough. Social Anxiety is one of the reasons I drank.

aasharon90

Thanks for sharing HP.

Do you know what HP stands
for in recovery?

It was neat how u signed the
bottom of ur post.