Conflicted (parenting with an active A)
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Conflicted (parenting with an active A)
I want to do what's best for my son, but I'm not sure what that is - need some E,S,H.
Currently, my (almost!) five year-old and I live about 150 miles from my XAH. I moved out of necessity - my X's periodic binge drinking made him utterly unreliable, and my school obligations aren't compatible with the kind of parenting that results from random drunkeness.
I moved with the intention/promise to return after graduation. I do not want to go back.
XAH is unemployed and still drinking (though not around DS during visits). I want my son to have a relationship with his dad, but I don't want to sacrifice his safety or my sanity. Xah says I am being controlling by stipulating that I won't relocate unless my X demonstrates a committment to recovery.
How do I take care of myself and my son without telling my XAH how to live his life?
Currently, my (almost!) five year-old and I live about 150 miles from my XAH. I moved out of necessity - my X's periodic binge drinking made him utterly unreliable, and my school obligations aren't compatible with the kind of parenting that results from random drunkeness.
I moved with the intention/promise to return after graduation. I do not want to go back.
XAH is unemployed and still drinking (though not around DS during visits). I want my son to have a relationship with his dad, but I don't want to sacrifice his safety or my sanity. Xah says I am being controlling by stipulating that I won't relocate unless my X demonstrates a committment to recovery.
How do I take care of myself and my son without telling my XAH how to live his life?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
You are trying to ensure a safe and healthy environment for your son. If he interprets that as controlling that is his problem, not yours.
He will say that ANYTHING that stands in the way of his addiction is controlling.
He will say that ANYTHING that stands in the way of his addiction is controlling.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If you don't want to go back, you don't want to go back.
He's chosen to continue killing himself with alcohol, and you've chosen to move on with your life, doing positive things for you and your son.
Here's a little twist for you on the 'demonstrating a commitment to recovery.'
My youngest daughter's dad has now been in AA for over 34 years, and sober all that time. He's gung ho, attends meetings all the time, sponsors all sorts of guys, he's swell in the eyes of fellow AAers.
His involvement in my daughter's life? Zilch, unless you count the 1 year he did make an effort (when she was 8) and then it trickled off to nothing. He lives 36 miles away. He's 20 years older than me, and been retired for several years. He spends a lot of time on his Harley with his riding buddies.
His income tax return had to be garnished for years and years due to back support.
He never carried health insurance on her because he knew the state would take care of that.
Be careful what you 'think' might be an good situation for son/father. It may be nothing like you had thought.
Just some food for thought.
He's chosen to continue killing himself with alcohol, and you've chosen to move on with your life, doing positive things for you and your son.
Here's a little twist for you on the 'demonstrating a commitment to recovery.'
My youngest daughter's dad has now been in AA for over 34 years, and sober all that time. He's gung ho, attends meetings all the time, sponsors all sorts of guys, he's swell in the eyes of fellow AAers.
His involvement in my daughter's life? Zilch, unless you count the 1 year he did make an effort (when she was 8) and then it trickled off to nothing. He lives 36 miles away. He's 20 years older than me, and been retired for several years. He spends a lot of time on his Harley with his riding buddies.
His income tax return had to be garnished for years and years due to back support.
He never carried health insurance on her because he knew the state would take care of that.
Be careful what you 'think' might be an good situation for son/father. It may be nothing like you had thought.
Just some food for thought.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Your heart is telling you the right decision for you and your son.
Can he come to where you are and visit with your son? Can you sometimes go and visit him with your son? What is wrong with that arrangement?
I take where I live very seriously. I would not choose to go back to such a situation either, and fail to see how it's best for anyone except your XAH.
But that's just me. Sending you hugs, strength, and an a-ha moment around this
Can he come to where you are and visit with your son? Can you sometimes go and visit him with your son? What is wrong with that arrangement?
I take where I live very seriously. I would not choose to go back to such a situation either, and fail to see how it's best for anyone except your XAH.
But that's just me. Sending you hugs, strength, and an a-ha moment around this
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Can he come to where you are and visit with your son? Can you sometimes go and visit him with your son? What is wrong with that arrangement?
Not much in my book:
DS gets to have fun with a sober father every-other weekend, while living in a consistent, loving, alcohol-free environment the rest of the time.
P gets to drink as he desires.
I currently drive at least 5 hours every other weekend to accommodate my son's time with his father. He has NEVER come to visit us. He has called DS ONE time since we have moved. ONE. And that was at my request.
It doesn't seem to me that P is unhappy with the current arrangement. He says that he wants more involvement, but his actions don't follow. He doesn't pursue involvement now, and he blames me for making the pursuit difficult.
Today he told me that I should "be careful" in my requests for child support if I was unwilling to move back to our hometown. He said that if I couldn't be more reasonable with my desire for his recovery (I like AA), I should start looking for a new dad for DS. He really said that.
SIGH.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Today he told me that I should "be careful" in my requests for child support if I was unwilling to move back to our hometown. He said that if I couldn't be more reasonable with my desire for his recovery (I like AA), I should start looking for a new dad for DS. He really said that.
SIGH.
Hi TC,
Quack, quack. DNA doesn't make a father or a mother. LMC is 8 now, her mom checked out on her when she was about Ds's age. She just spent 7 weeks walking distance from her mom. She saw her 2-3 times. They can't be bothered.
Seems to me a new dad and mom are in order here. It's what I pray for. We've even begun to pretend that our "new" mom already exists....her name is Abigale, Abby for short. She has dark hair, blue eyes, not too fat, not too thin, not too tall, not too short. And most importantly she love, love, love, love, loves LMC..... and even me! We have fun pretending about Abby.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You are doing a great job taking care of yourself and your son. He is blessed to have you as his mom. He gets to spend time with your parents, too? Bonus!
I'm just going to suggest looking at this from an almost 5 year olds perspective.
Your son's concept of time is not as fine-tuned as yours. He is aware that he did not see daddy yesterday, but he really doesn't understand weeks, months, etc....as passages of time. When you relate a story to him you might refer to "remember at Christmas?" or "remember at Easter?" His concept of the passage of time will develop later.
Also, his concept of an acceptable quantity of fathering is not as fine tuned as yours. You know you want him to spend time with his father. You want him to have a great relationship with his father.
However, all an almost 5 year old knows is that he likes spending time with dad. But he does not know how much time he was supposed to be spending with dad, unless we tell him. We actually have to teach them that they are being neglected by the other parent. If he knows he is loved everyday, he is happy. If he knows he gets to see dad sometimes, and feels loved, he is still happy. Until someone points out to him that he is not spending as much time with his dad as he should/could he is happy.
Same goes for the phone calls. His concept of time and quantity of calls from dad aren't developed. He just enjoys it when it happens. (I wish I could have his brain!!)
You're an intelligent lady and a great mom. You'll work the details out down the road.
The last stuff that P said to you, ugh! More quacking!
I'm just going to suggest looking at this from an almost 5 year olds perspective.
Your son's concept of time is not as fine-tuned as yours. He is aware that he did not see daddy yesterday, but he really doesn't understand weeks, months, etc....as passages of time. When you relate a story to him you might refer to "remember at Christmas?" or "remember at Easter?" His concept of the passage of time will develop later.
Also, his concept of an acceptable quantity of fathering is not as fine tuned as yours. You know you want him to spend time with his father. You want him to have a great relationship with his father.
However, all an almost 5 year old knows is that he likes spending time with dad. But he does not know how much time he was supposed to be spending with dad, unless we tell him. We actually have to teach them that they are being neglected by the other parent. If he knows he is loved everyday, he is happy. If he knows he gets to see dad sometimes, and feels loved, he is still happy. Until someone points out to him that he is not spending as much time with his dad as he should/could he is happy.
Same goes for the phone calls. His concept of time and quantity of calls from dad aren't developed. He just enjoys it when it happens. (I wish I could have his brain!!)
You're an intelligent lady and a great mom. You'll work the details out down the road.
The last stuff that P said to you, ugh! More quacking!
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by Pelican
We actually have to teach them that they are being neglected by the other parent. If he knows he is loved, everyday, he is happy. If he knows he gets to see dad sometimes, and feels loved, he is still happy.
DS is thriving in our current arrangement. He is happy, doing well in school, and making new friends (he gave a little girl at church her first kiss last week!).
I do not say anything bad to him about his dad - I have other outlets for those conversations.
P's lack of involvement is actually a blessing in some ways. Sometimes it bugs me, but mostly I am bugged by his insistence that this situation is "all my fault", that he'd be able to be a great parent if only I wasn't so demanding.
And there is this old part of me that always wonders, just a little bit, if he's right.
But the new part of me knows he's not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And there is this old part of me that always wonders, just a little bit, if he's right.
But the new part of me knows he's not.
But the new part of me knows he's not.
Sorry, catty of me
He's being a bad parent, and it seems as though moving back would give him the chance to be a bad parent more often.
Blessings on your son for having such a great, smart, loving, thought-full mom who tries so hard to do the right thing.
TC
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
that is a boundary for you in moving back to protect yourself and your son move and what you fairly want in life , and an ultimatium is okay when you have every intention of following through either way. If he don't like it and really believes your are "controlling" something you shouldn't he can go to court before a judge.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
HI TC!
Wow, reading this post is activating the almightly codie in me. TC, your son and Coyote's daughter have amazing and devoted parents. Your kids are so lucky to have you.
My mom has mental problems, so we grew up with my Dad. She said that she wanted us around, but there was such extreme dysfunction that she either didn't or really couldn't "do"/"act" like a responsible, consistent and loving parent. She is that way today. My sister and I give her a good amount of distance and expect 0 from her. Sometimes she surprises us and those moments are wonderful, but not expected or consistent. Kids NEED consistency as best as they can get it. I have no kids, but was one in a very shaky situation for my entire childhood. The fear that I felt as a kid because of that instability lives with me today. With all of my dad's and my on again off again issues, I feel that he is at least more reliable than mom. I hardly see her as my mother anymore. She is the woman who gave birth to me and my sister, made cookies when we were little and made the ornaments on our Christmas tree, that is about it.
My mom moved around when I was young and when she had the opportunity to see us, she chose not to on many occassions. That was HER choice, so we quickly developed a tight family of 3, Dad, me and my sister. We didn't need her. We had each other. That was enough. We had our routines.
Hugs
Miss
Wow, reading this post is activating the almightly codie in me. TC, your son and Coyote's daughter have amazing and devoted parents. Your kids are so lucky to have you.
My mom has mental problems, so we grew up with my Dad. She said that she wanted us around, but there was such extreme dysfunction that she either didn't or really couldn't "do"/"act" like a responsible, consistent and loving parent. She is that way today. My sister and I give her a good amount of distance and expect 0 from her. Sometimes she surprises us and those moments are wonderful, but not expected or consistent. Kids NEED consistency as best as they can get it. I have no kids, but was one in a very shaky situation for my entire childhood. The fear that I felt as a kid because of that instability lives with me today. With all of my dad's and my on again off again issues, I feel that he is at least more reliable than mom. I hardly see her as my mother anymore. She is the woman who gave birth to me and my sister, made cookies when we were little and made the ornaments on our Christmas tree, that is about it.
My mom moved around when I was young and when she had the opportunity to see us, she chose not to on many occassions. That was HER choice, so we quickly developed a tight family of 3, Dad, me and my sister. We didn't need her. We had each other. That was enough. We had our routines.
Hugs
Miss
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I think everyone else has given really wise words. When I saw your post my first thought was: "you can't parent 'with' an active A". They are stuck being big babies themselves and shouldn't be asked to care for any living creature. Even if they wanted to; they just can't do it. Not even when it comes to really caring for themselves.
I think like others said if you take a step back and forget about guilt. You'll see that your in the best place. Listening to you A can only put you and your son in a spot where the A can inflict pain and disappointment. That is just what they do.
Hugs to you both!
I think like others said if you take a step back and forget about guilt. You'll see that your in the best place. Listening to you A can only put you and your son in a spot where the A can inflict pain and disappointment. That is just what they do.
Hugs to you both!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Today he told me that I should "be careful" in my requests for child support if I was unwilling to move back to our hometown. He said that if I couldn't be more reasonable with my desire for his recovery (I like AA), I should start looking for a new dad for DS. He really said that.
SIGH.
SIGH.
His thinking is sure twisted. I am glad for you and your son that you are not subject to living with that kind of behavior any longer. You're doing a great job making healthy choices for the two of you!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ok, just one moment.. let me just... fine-tune this thingie.... ok ok now I am done
"Xah says I am being controlling by stipulating that I won't relocate unless my X demonstrates a committment to recovery"
Quack-o-meter says.. this sentence is.. wow
100% quacking!!
"I should start looking for a new dad for DS."
How unbelievably cruel.
But then again, where is the current dad?
Oh TC I am sorry. But I know you are strong. Take all this quacking as encouragement for you to keep moving on and striding forward.
This one is for you:
"Xah says I am being controlling by stipulating that I won't relocate unless my X demonstrates a committment to recovery"
Quack-o-meter says.. this sentence is.. wow
100% quacking!!
"I should start looking for a new dad for DS."
How unbelievably cruel.
But then again, where is the current dad?
Oh TC I am sorry. But I know you are strong. Take all this quacking as encouragement for you to keep moving on and striding forward.
This one is for you:
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I agree: Quack Quack.
Classic BLAME. Why bother even talking to the guy?
If he were going to spend time with his child, he would have done it already, no matter how far away he is. Past behavior is a reliable indicator of future behavior. You already know the answer.
If you want a father figure for your son, I don't recommend his biological father. A father figure also does not have to be a boyfriend. The healthiest person you know who is male would probably be the best. But he would have to make a multiple-year commitment. It could be a relative, co-worker, friend, neighbor, Big-Brother, etc.
Congratulations on Graduating!!!
his insistence that this situation is "all my fault", that he'd be able to be a great parent if only I wasn't so demanding.
If he were going to spend time with his child, he would have done it already, no matter how far away he is. Past behavior is a reliable indicator of future behavior. You already know the answer.
If you want a father figure for your son, I don't recommend his biological father. A father figure also does not have to be a boyfriend. The healthiest person you know who is male would probably be the best. But he would have to make a multiple-year commitment. It could be a relative, co-worker, friend, neighbor, Big-Brother, etc.
Congratulations on Graduating!!!
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