kv816

I read the post on here about missing the ex too much and, like many posts I read on here, could have posted it myself.

It took all I had not to call xabf today. First thing this morning I wanted to argue, tell him how hurt I am (even though I knew at the time it wouldn't make any difference). By late morning I was lonely. By afternoon I was miserable. By early evening I was angry again. Around dinner I was sad.

I picked up my phone to dial. Held it in my hand with my finger on the first number. Then I chuckled, shook my head back and forth, snickered at myself and put my phone down.

What the hell do I miss so much??

And then I wondered, aside from my dogs, did I keep contact this long to keep resentment? I knew darn well how each conversation would go....hey baby, I miss you, I've been thinking about you all day, I can't wait to hold you again and touch you again and maybe do you think you'll stay the night with me sometime soon?? So how was your day?? Well you need to learn to stand up for yourself. You need to walk right in there and say look, yadayadayadaya and just put your damn foot down. You let people walk all over you and I'm tired of you calling me and taking it all out on me when what you should do is take it out on the people that are pissing you off so bad.

And at the point I'd apologize for saying anything, he'd say whatever, I'd snicker a little bit, he'd say call me in the morning IF YOU WANT TO and then he'd hang up.

Of course, then there were those times I'd just simply say my day was fine. And he'd come back with your day is never just "fine" (in a very sarcastic tone). I'd say nothing exciting happened, nothing worth talking about really. And I'd hear how he's trying to talk to me and I won't talk back so obviously that means I'm hiding something so what is it? What did you do that you don't want to tell me about? Yadayadayada call me in the morning if you want to, click.

What the hell do I miss so much???

Should I ever get involved with someone again, "rule" number 1.....if I'm talking about something that he's not really the least bit interested in hearing, he MUST at least be willing to (every once in awhile) sit down, shut up and pretend to be listening.

Sorry, just needed to vent that a little bit.

wanting

Oh girlfriend, I hear you so much.

FreeBird09

You are missing the validation (actually invalidation) because you are accustomed to living in such a way. (good or bad) You are missing the 'nice' person he CAN be (but really isn't as it doesn't last very long) You are missing the chaos, because at least you were comfortably miserable (because you know what to expect from him), and at this point you are uncomfortable as you don't know what is going to happen in your life next. You are missing the ability to 'pay him back' for all the wrongs, to make him hurt.. like you hurt, to just have that ability to hear pain in his voice, to hear he misses you, that he still loves you.. because.. you are feeling so unlovable right now.

BUT... you do not need his validation, if you want validation for how good you are (as it seems like it is a few and far between validation from him) look in the eyes of your children, open the 'good book'.. that will tell you how loved you are regardless of any past mistakes, as you are and were forgiven for any of your part of anything. The need for the chaos will soon become a desire for peace it is a natural adjustment to becoming a better you, that one day you will love in an amazing way.

You are a good person KV, and you deserve soooooo.... much more. So, miss him, mourn him, grieve for him... but put that phone down!. ;-)

Freedom1990

I was extremely uncomfortable with the absence of chaos in my life when I left the EXAH.

Now that I look back, I understand why I had trouble going to sleep at night, and always had to have the tv or radio on. I couldn't stand the quiet.

I was used to screaming, bickering, violence, and fear.

Unfortunately I refused to address my own underlying issues for years and years, and so I continued to go from one dysfunctional relationship to another.

I have faith that you will get through this and discover what a special person you are!

:ghug2

Jadmack25

I missed the previous 25 years of the really good times AH and I had shared, but 2 years of very bad times with the vision of many more to come, sent me running.

When I moved into my flat, I missed the chaos, his drunken talking to himself on the verandah, the crash bangs as he staggered to bed late at night and that horrible smell that wafted from his pores. I needed sleepers for the first time in my life. Amazing!!!

After 3 months of not doing anything, I figured I better find an interest to take up the spare time I now had before I went barmy. Ended up doing a counselling course and then psychology asa mature age student.

Hard work, but very satisfying for me and kicked my loser feelings out the door.
Any regrets I had, have been long gone.

God bless

Pelican

Your progress is showing and it looks healthy from here! Good on you!

You said:
And then I wondered, aside from my dogs, did I keep contact this long to keep resentment? I knew darn well how each conversation would go....hey baby, I miss you, I've been thinking about you all day, I can't wait to hold you again and touch you again and maybe do you think you'll stay the night with me sometime soon?? So how was your day?? Well you need to learn to stand up for yourself. You need to walk right in there and say look, yadayadayadaya and just put your damn foot down. You let people walk all over you and I'm tired of you calling me and taking it all out on me when what you should do is take it out on the people that are pissing you off so bad.

And at the point I'd apologize for saying anything, he'd say whatever, I'd snicker a little bit, he'd say call me in the morning IF YOU WANT TO and then he'd hang up.

You played the tape forward and saw how it would end. You faced the reality of the situation and refused to spend time in magical thinking. Awesome!