RRRRR!!! I wish she would stop HELPING! (vent)
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RRRRR!!! I wish she would stop HELPING! (vent)
Open letter to girlfriend of alcoholic former husband:
Dear --------,
While I appreciate that your motives are only the best for my daughter and your live-in boyfriend, aka my ex husband, I would like you to stop involving me in your attempts to make him and me better parents. She is not your stepchild, and even if she was, I am still a perfectly capable mom, and I'm not going away anytime soon.
It is not your place to forward me the school newsletter. I am perfectly capable of going to the office and requesting it myself, and did so last October or so.
It isn't your job to suggest that I should arrange meetings with my ex husband regarding school issues. First of all, as I'm sure you know, he has ZERO interest in meeting with me; and I like myself better when I'm not dealing with him either. Therefore I have arranged to deal with school events and issues in other ways. Without being reminded.
Do not tell my daughter that I really have no health problems. You may choose to believe I am full of BS-- but you don't have the right to confuse my child, who sees my tic disorder on a regular basis.
Do not tell my child that "your mommy said no" if it is something you simply don't want to do. Trust me. I will hear about it, and then have to discuss adults and the concept of white lies with her, which is not going to improve your standing with her.
Don't try to get me to do what you want my saying that you and my former husband will "fight more than ever" about ABC if I don't do XYZ. I don't care a bit if you fight-- just try not to do it in front of my daughter, ok? If you want me to do something, ask me directly.
Believe it or not, I know you are in a difficult situation and I sympathize with what you live with day to day. But I don't need us to be a three way child care team, and as far as I can tell, neither does he. I don't owe it to you to try to help you get my child's dad in line or to pick up his slack. Been there, done that. You're on your own.
sincerely,
BuffaloGal
Dear --------,
While I appreciate that your motives are only the best for my daughter and your live-in boyfriend, aka my ex husband, I would like you to stop involving me in your attempts to make him and me better parents. She is not your stepchild, and even if she was, I am still a perfectly capable mom, and I'm not going away anytime soon.
It is not your place to forward me the school newsletter. I am perfectly capable of going to the office and requesting it myself, and did so last October or so.
It isn't your job to suggest that I should arrange meetings with my ex husband regarding school issues. First of all, as I'm sure you know, he has ZERO interest in meeting with me; and I like myself better when I'm not dealing with him either. Therefore I have arranged to deal with school events and issues in other ways. Without being reminded.
Do not tell my daughter that I really have no health problems. You may choose to believe I am full of BS-- but you don't have the right to confuse my child, who sees my tic disorder on a regular basis.
Do not tell my child that "your mommy said no" if it is something you simply don't want to do. Trust me. I will hear about it, and then have to discuss adults and the concept of white lies with her, which is not going to improve your standing with her.
Don't try to get me to do what you want my saying that you and my former husband will "fight more than ever" about ABC if I don't do XYZ. I don't care a bit if you fight-- just try not to do it in front of my daughter, ok? If you want me to do something, ask me directly.
Believe it or not, I know you are in a difficult situation and I sympathize with what you live with day to day. But I don't need us to be a three way child care team, and as far as I can tell, neither does he. I don't owe it to you to try to help you get my child's dad in line or to pick up his slack. Been there, done that. You're on your own.
sincerely,
BuffaloGal
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
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Oh gosh no. We've already had that exchange. Very little of this is new. This is an ongoing problem for me-- I don't think she really understands what I mean when I ask her to back off. (And it could be worse. She really does care about my child-- I just react badly to her unrequested assistance.)
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey Buffalogal,
Sorry about that. Families are tough aren't they? Some of my father's girlfriend's used to get involved in my life. I didn't like it too much. Sounds like your ex needs to establish boundaries for his lady friends and your daughter/you. Ironically, she probably thinks she is helping (that was what a couple of dad's exes thought).
Hugs
Sorry about that. Families are tough aren't they? Some of my father's girlfriend's used to get involved in my life. I didn't like it too much. Sounds like your ex needs to establish boundaries for his lady friends and your daughter/you. Ironically, she probably thinks she is helping (that was what a couple of dad's exes thought).
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Amazing, isn't it, that this disease can still be a challenge for you, even though you divorced him a while ago. Now the raging codie gf is rearing her ugly head...
She's a girlfriend, not a new wife, right? So why do you even owe her the time of day? Can't you just ignore her calls, etc. I think I would if I were in this situation!
As for MissFixIt's suggestion the ex establish boundaries...well, he's still an active alcoholic, right? So I don't think you can count on that happening anytime soon! You can only establish boundaries for yourself.
She's a girlfriend, not a new wife, right? So why do you even owe her the time of day? Can't you just ignore her calls, etc. I think I would if I were in this situation!
As for MissFixIt's suggestion the ex establish boundaries...well, he's still an active alcoholic, right? So I don't think you can count on that happening anytime soon! You can only establish boundaries for yourself.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Thank you all-- I swear, my former husband can't surprise me anymore, but his girlfriend can reduce me to incoherent rage in about 5 seconds flat, which I know is "irritable and unreasonable" on my part.
Mostly I do ignore her emails, and I feel bad about it, because she means well and is doing the best she can. I did growl via e-mail about her forwarding me the school newsletter, and I haven't yet read her reply. Sigh. She's now enlisting my daughter to carry her messages. Grrrr.
Yes, they'll be ice skating in hell the day my husband sets any boundaries regarding me ("Daddy can't deal with you," my 10 year old daughter sagely informed me this weekend. "Oh. Did he say so? Or did [girlfriend's name here] tell you that?" I asked. "Neither," she said. "I can tell by myself." Good girl).
--BG
Mostly I do ignore her emails, and I feel bad about it, because she means well and is doing the best she can. I did growl via e-mail about her forwarding me the school newsletter, and I haven't yet read her reply. Sigh. She's now enlisting my daughter to carry her messages. Grrrr.
Yes, they'll be ice skating in hell the day my husband sets any boundaries regarding me ("Daddy can't deal with you," my 10 year old daughter sagely informed me this weekend. "Oh. Did he say so? Or did [girlfriend's name here] tell you that?" I asked. "Neither," she said. "I can tell by myself." Good girl).
--BG
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
BuffaloGal there is a handy feature in all email accounts: IGNORE 
Is there any reason why communication with this woman is necessary? I hope not! Or if it is... can you have those emails forwarded to a very close and healthy friend that can sort through the trash and only give you the facts about logistics?
I know its easier from the outside but "if I were you" I would keep involved with school matters, talking a lot with my daughter and in general going about my life
I recall when my dad took me to meet his new partner, I was like... 8 years old? I did not understand who the hell that woman was... or anything at all about the separation... I know as your daughter grows up she will make her own conclusions about who is who... at least I did... so its better if she sees you healthy and choosing what and who is really important in your life and who is not
Of course I have never been married or have any children so take this with a grain of salt...
(Did I mention the ignore feature? )
Is there any reason why communication with this woman is necessary? I hope not! Or if it is... can you have those emails forwarded to a very close and healthy friend that can sort through the trash and only give you the facts about logistics?
I know its easier from the outside but "if I were you" I would keep involved with school matters, talking a lot with my daughter and in general going about my life
I recall when my dad took me to meet his new partner, I was like... 8 years old? I did not understand who the hell that woman was... or anything at all about the separation... I know as your daughter grows up she will make her own conclusions about who is who... at least I did... so its better if she sees you healthy and choosing what and who is really important in your life and who is not
Of course I have never been married or have any children so take this with a grain of salt...
(Did I mention the ignore feature? )
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