OddSpot80

After I finished cleaning last night I wasn't sure what to do with myself so I was glad when my best friend called to see if I wanted to have a fire down by the lake. That's our thing, every weekend in summer, if it's nice and the sky is clear, we have a fire by the lake and get smashed.

My instant reaction was excitement but it was closely followed by apprehension. I have yet to go three days sober since my 16 in June and I don't think I'm strong enough to sit there until 2am and not drink. I did a lot of thinking on the way over to his place. I've told him that I have a problem with alcohol but he doesn't seem to understand what that means. Not only did he invite me to the lake to drink but he asked me to get beer on the way over too.

He can be so sensitive and giving but at the same time he can be so blind and reckless. Nothing seems to affect him and he doesn't understand when, why and how they affect me differently, without me telling him. His drinking never becomes a problem. With me, it's like I can't get enough of anything any one of my 5 senses finds enjoyable. Somehow he was born with an off switch and I wasn't.

Considering he can't grasp the concept of alcoholism, I will have to hold his hand and, very directly, point out all the dos and don'ts as we come across them. I don't think I can do that while trying to be sober and honestly, I don't think he wants to be taught. I can feel him resist when I imply that this isn't a passing phase but at the same time I can see him struggling with that resistance.

Is there anyone else who has a loved one in their life like this? Someone who's lifestyle is toxic to you but not to them and doesn't understand what it means to be an alcoholic? Do I have pull away or is there a way through? If I have to pull away does it have to be forever? My heart is aching over this. I love him very much. We see each other practically every day and our lives are very intertwined.

Thank you for reading...

keen2bclean

Hi Oddspot

I had this problem with one of my close friends that I would drink regularly with (until she got wrecked a couple of days ago and couldnt make a date with me)...I used that opportunity to let her know that I was 'laying off' drink as it was becoming too much and too regular and I couldnt handle the hangovers anymore. I didnt go into anymore detail than that with her. Luckily she agreed with me and has joined me on the wagon 'for a while'. Before that happened though, I did take a step back from her. I found I had to steer clear of that 'environment' for a while (i'm only 8 days in) until I feel like I can handle it better. I still havent been out with her since and I dont know how I will handle it when I do...that's probably why I'm still partially non-commital ...I cant fully say I've given up for good yet. If it were me I think i'd have to steer clear from the place where I'd usually get smashed (for you, the lake)...I know I can talk loads and loads when I'm drinking, most of which is inane drivel...or things that only interest me when I'm under the influence...I probably would be bored ******** with little to say being stone cold sober and trying to converse with someone that is ten sheets to the wind if you know what I mean. Perhaps suggest doing something completely different with your friend...something that is unrelated to drinking in everyway, I'm sure if you explain how you feel to him and he cares for you, then he'll respect your needs right now. Good luck...

Dee74

In my case OddSpot I had to pull away - like you, my friend had an off switch and couldn't understand I didn't...wouldn't understand in fact, because much of our relationship was based on me being the available drinking bud when most of the other guys were working 9-5.

I hope your friend understands - in my case, we just couldn't get past the notion of a friendship without the drinking element.

D

Ellie323

Luckily, my closest drinking buddies are from growing up and live away from me. I have one friend though, who drinks and wants to chat on the phone. This has caused problems for us in the past, as I don't like drinking through the week because of work and I didn't like sitting on the phone for all hours. It would end up I would just not answer the phone. We had a few disagreements about it. Now that I'm "on the wagon" again, I will be screening calls (it is not fun on the phone with a drunk person- (as I'm sure she's felt about talking to me too on occasion). Anyway, my advice to you- not that I'm an expert- is any person that is saying things or doing things that are tempting you to drink when you really want to stop, well, I think you know what you have to do. I think we all know what we all have to do.

CarolD

Well.....
At the end of my drinking....all my friends were also excessive
drinkers. That included my lover of 5 years.
I was also working with alcohol ...in restaurants and bars.

I did not stay sober for long....until I made drastic changes.

I took an office position...less money...less stress...9-5 hours.
I told everyone I quit drinking....had started AA.
I declared my apartment a no drinking zone.
I ditched my lover...who was not interested in quitting.
I stopped accepting invitations from drinkers and quit bar hopping.

Sooooo.... I found new friends in AA who shared my goals
and new lifestyle. I joined a group with lots of single members.
We did all sorts of things together ...we had a blast.


I don't regret my decisions....my recovery is vital to my well being.
It's a fantastic lifestyle ...without toxic people or situations.

Wishing you all the best as you continue to move forward

BTW...27 of my former friends are dead from various
alcohol related reasons since I quit in '89.
Not one lived past 55. So darn tragic!

NewBeginning010

I have been having the same struggles with some friends, they just don't seem to get it. If we could pull out a damaged liver with our hands & show them they might but...

I have seen the disappointment in some friends eyes when I tell them that I don't drink anymore after ordering a non alcoholic drink.

I have been thinking of writing out a letter of some kind to a couple of good friends that explains my decision & how important their friendship is & how much I need there support to get my life back together.

If they cant get a handle on it after that then I will have to let them know that I cant continue to be friends with them if they cannot support me in my decision. This is far too important to leave any chances to.

Best of luck in your recovery.

Take Care,

NB

Freedom1990

For me, someone doesn't have to understand alcoholism to have some decency and respect for my wishes when it comes to my well-being and sobriety.

OddSpot80

Thank you everyone for your input and encouragement. All of you are right and I think I already knew what the answer was. Just desperate for another way. There is no way I can exclude him from my life completely. I'll just have to tell him that if he has drinking planned then I can't participate. Maybe that will nail it home for him. It's kind of a relief actually. When we hang out we always indulge in something food, beer, TV, whatever. For him it's like his end of the week reward but I'm a little tense the whole time from trying to hold back, not over indulge. I would really rather play cards or something but he hates that kind of thing.
Thanks again

Dee74

Freedom makes a great point tho - if he is your best friend....he'll support you, even if he doesn't understand it

Hope you work something out

D

Anna

Early sobriety is a time of big changes.

I knew I had to remove some people from my life, including a couple of family members who were toxic to me. What surprised me, was that, almost immediately, a couple of new people came into my life and became good friends and teachers to me. Sometimes you need to make a change that is hard and you are surprised with a positive outcome.

brandonlee81

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...

Freedom1990

Amen to that!