Waikanaetanga

Hi there,
This is my second time posting and I am new to recovery. I have just started going to Al Anon meetings and am reading the "How to Al - Anon" book for families and friends of alcoholics. What hope both the meetings and the book are giving me.

My brother has been in recovery for 10 years and the changes in him have been marvellous. I have gained many insights from him.

I'm going to go to a few more meetings before I approach someone to sponsor me and help me through the 12 step programme. I initially thought my life only became unmanageable 16 months ago when my 15 year old son first started using drugs. During my first meeting I realised my life has been unmanageable for as long as I can remember. My father was an alcoholic. Most of my life I have been haunted by anxiety, gulit and fear. Living in the past with regret and worrying about the future and not living in the day.

I'm coming to trust in the God of my understanding no matter what the outcome. It isn't just believing or trusting in Him for a good outcome, but no matter what the outcome. It is staying on Him in the dark. Trusting all into the care of His loving hands, with the knowledge that only He knows the future so therefore only He can be trusted with it. To trust Him is to trust Him in the day.

The downward spiral of drug abuse and all the associated behaviours in my son is heart breaking. We barely recognise him as the same boy. I love him so much and keep telling him that I know who he is, I know what a beautiful and talented person he really is. Others out there see him as just a "good for nothing drug addict, loser". I see him as my son, my beautiful son who is afflicted by a disease he has no control over.

I have found much hope in Al Anon and the simple slogans.

Handing over to God, moment by moment is the sum of my spirituality at present --- keeping it simple. This addiction of his is just too big for me and I recognise just how powerful it is and just how powerless I am over it or in it.

My son had a drug induced psychosis 3 weeks ago after going missing for 3 days. He was given a catscan and it showed intracranial calcification of the brain. He was then called in for an emergency MRI. The MRI showed puncdate dots (calcification, like small non malignant lesions) scattered throughout his entire brain, and some being on the frontal lobe which affects the behaviour centre. Because they are calcified it means they are slow growing or have stopped growing and are also non malignant, so that is the good news.

The radiologist said he had never seen anything present itself like this in an adolescent brain before. They think, maybe he has some kind of infection in the brain...eg toxoplasmosis, herpes simplex. So they just don't know what is going on really. He has to have an EEG and see the neurologist in another town as we don't have one in our small hospital. We may have to wait a month even though he is on the urgent list.

He is still out there using drugs while knowing the risks of a a relapse....he is playing Russian roulette with his brain.

I've grown weary with the drug and alcohol services here and the counselling. None of them are addicts in recovery and just don't seem to understand what a huge monster addiction really is..... a monster too big for him or his family....we are powerless over it. I found no hope in these services.

For the first time I have found hope in Al -Anon and reading the stories here on Soberrecovery. It is fantastic!! I have found hope in letting go and turning over to God. I have found hope in taking the focus off my son and onto myself.

It is now clear he is addicted to something more than alcohol and cannabis. We have suggested rehab. to him but he has to go voluntarily, or be sent by the police or courts.

I really want to understand alcoholism and addiction. I just would really welcome some stories from young addicts in recovery or family members in recovery with adolescent addicts.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read.....any suggestions would be so welcome.

Waikanaetanga

You know everytime my beautiful son walks out the door I think to myself, this maybe the last time I will ever see him. So I make sure I tell him I love him and that there is hope for him in rehab. Somehow this helps me.

Everything that is valuable is locked down or away in our house. He has sold all he owns that is valuable. He has stolen much from us as well. My husband and I now understand our rescuing behaviours and have stopped.

How he is supporting his habit can now only be through crime so the best thing that can happen is that he gets caught. We are working closely with the youth officers, they have been fanrastic, and if he gets caught then he can be sent to rehab. If he steals from us we can report him to the police. I pray he gets caught soon.

Helenlee

Dear Waikanaetanga,

I read on this forum very frequently, but don't post. My own life is so far out of control that I feel most comfortable just absorbing all the wisdom & experience available here. However your story touched my heart, & because no-one else had replied yet I thought maybe I should say hi. I'm in Australia, same time zone - everyone else is probably asleep I'm sure you'll have many experienced supportive voices here soon.
In the mean time - know you're not alone. My father was also an alcholic & my life also has been overshadowed by anxiety, guilt, fear, regret & not living in the day.
I have 3 children & have been down (& am still travelling) the same roads you're on with 2 of mine. I'm not quailfied to offer any advice - but I will say that I admire your attitude toward your son & I believe it to be extremely important to keep telling children that they're loved, appreciated & accepted, no matter what. It was never an issue for me - I have a very strong maternal instinct - & my kids know I adore them & that will never change. That doesn't mean accepting or facillitating unacceptable behaviour, or condoning actions you believe to be unhelpful/dysfunctional/wrong.
When my first baby died at birth I was afraid I would "spoil" my subsequent children (& I did, in "good" & "bad" ways). I was told by someone at the support group I went to "you can never give a child too much love, but you can give them too little discipline". If you take the original meaning of the word discipline - to teach - then I belive this statement to be true. I taught my kids what I knew, & sadly passed down the alcoholic/codependent/enmeshed/dysfunctional/justplainweird patterns I had learned at my mothers knee. And I feel responsible to be supportive of my kids while they work through the mess they inherited from me. Given that I suffer from ingrained codependence, it's incredibly difficult for me to seperate love & support from enabling & perpetuating.
I'm waffling on here - what's my point? Well I know what it's like to feel alone & that none of the people or agencies who are suppose to help can actually do much. I'm so glad you're finding benefit in attending Al-Anon. And I hope my reply & the others that follow will light the path for a few more steps for you. Embracing/integrating/healing a child's addiction & associated problems & behaviours is a very long, painful, mind-numbing journey. Be brave. Don't expect big changes. Keep loving your son & telling him so.
Please take care of yourself. Adult addicts are big people & often the most functional thing we can do for ourselves & them is to wave bye-bye. But I believe our kids, especially our addicted kids, need us to hold their hand, pick them up & dust them off for a little longer. To do that, we need to be in good shape. It's a very demanding job. So, please get what YOU need to heal yourself - & by healing yourself, you'll be better able to support your son to heal himself.
About the most help I can offer is if you get exhausted & he's giving you grief, send a messsage & let me know. For that night, I'll worry about him, & you can have the night off. Even the wildest teenage boy only needs one Mum at a time worrying about him )))
I'm sending my love across the ocean to you & to your beautiful son. God Bless you both.

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!


Please make yourself at home by posting and reading as much as needed. The sticky posts at the top of this forum contain stories from our members and their wisdom and experience.

I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codependent of an alcoholic relationship. As an alcoholic, I knew in my heart that I had a problem with alcohol and needed to stop. In my head, I kept justifying one more drink (you're not as bad as them, you did so well last week one more is okay, etc, etc). My constant internal struggle was between my head and my heart about my condition. I came to this website, lurking, and found a link containing excerpts from a book. The book is "Under the Influence" and it describes in detail the process of how an individual becomes addicted through every part of their body and mind. It describes the stages of addiction, it describes the stages of withdrawal and so much more.

This information helped me to get my head and my heart on the same page. I was addicted and my only hope was to quit. That was a relief. No more internal struggle.

As parents of addicted children, I recommend the book to you. It will explain to you the chemical addiction and describe the stages of the addiction. It will also explain the moods from using, and the moods from abstaining. Here is the link to the book:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I'm very sorry that your children's addiction is what brings you together here at this site. Yet, I'm thankful that you are here seeking help for yourselves and your families.

Peace and hugs