Serenity Bound

A week ago friday, my AD checked herself into a rehab. This past friday, she called a friend & asked him to pick her up, :wtf2, said she'd do it on her own, blah, blah, blah. This friend, called me, I said plain & clear, she was NOT coming back to my house. This friend, also talked to AD's sponsor, his sponsor and the rehab itself. My AD's sponsor called me, said she's not done, do NOT open the door to her. Well naturally I got physically sick, didn't know how strong I could be, prayed & prayed & prayed. Her friend did NOT pick her up, she is still in rehab.

My question is, do I visit tomorrow? (it's 15 mins away.....I would have preferred her to be 15 Hours away )

I'd like to visit, because I like seeing her clean, I'd like to visit to show I support her in recovery. On the other hand, she's NOT done, she still wants to do it her way.

JustAYak

I would say no...just cause of consequences and such.

However, if rehab allows, you could give her a ring instead..

Serenity Bound

Jay, No calls allowed. Thanx for the suggestion though.

Hugs,
Chris

JustAYak

That sucks. Sorry Chris

ItsmeAlice

The question that popped into my head was "What has she done to earn a visit from Mom?"

I'm not talking about any rules of the rehab or some sort of visitation-for-chores sort of thing. I mean earning trust and showing she's willing to accept her problem and seek recovery. It doesn't sound like she's working on any of that just still trying to tunnel her way out and get back to using.

I'd be inclined to withhold the benefit of my support until there is something to actually get behind. Kind of like giving my pup a cookie because she tore up my new shoes. I'm not going to be angry because she's doing what dogs do when juicy sneakers come home from the store, but I'm not going to reward her energy being spent the wrong way.

When your AD starts moving in the right direction, a visit and some hugs are in order. Right now, I think she's just chewing shoes and doing what an addict does in her position.

Much love,

Alice

SistersHelp

Can you get a message to her? Maybe this is silly... but there's so many times that I think that if I could leave a message with someone instead of talking directly to my sister, I'd be a whole lot more likely to communicate with her. Then I could just say, I love you, I want good things for you, without having to go through the drama of a full blown conversation.

Good wishes for you, Chris, and for your AD.

Lisa

laurie6781

(((((Chris))))))

I know this is tough on you, but I'm going to agree with Alice and say NO.

Heck, my Mom didn't even contact me by phone until I was almost 9 months sober and only did it then because my sister said told her "I think she's serious this time, there is something different about her," and then it was only by phone.

She did say almost those exact words, "I love you, I want good things for you, but this one you have to do on your own." At the time of that phone call it had been over 3 years since the door had literally been shut in my face.

Now I know her 'sponsor' is not 'God' but at this time probably has a pretty good 'handle' on where your AD is as, and if the sponsor says "she's not done" well then what would be the point in going?

Obviously you have a fairly good network to get updates on her, so why not wait a bit and see if 1) she stays in rehab and 2) if her attitude starts to change a bit while in rehab?

You have the right to choose not to be around toxic people and your daughter is still toxic.

J M H O

Prayers going out for you and your family.

Love and hugs,

Chino

If you visit and she's whining or defiant, would you still feel good about showing support?

totfit

You don't know if someone is not done or not until they show they are not done. Being compliant does not mean someone is done any more than not being compliant shows they are not.

leelee5675

If you feel she's not done, then for what you need she's not done. And this part needs to be about you.

As for visiting, follow your gut on this one. Can you be strong enough to stand up to the pressure she may put on you to take her with you when you leave?

I didn't visit my AD in rehab at all (4 week program). She had been living in my home for the past 5 years and actively using for 3 that I found out about. I was too angry about what she had put me and her 4-year-old daughter through and didn't think I could be very supportive on any level.

Just a thought...if you just don't show up for a visit that you would normally show up for, maybe it will send her a message that if she's not going to follow through maybe Mom will no longer be there for her.

Just a thought, though, that could backfire. You know her better than anyone and how she will react if you don't show up.

Bottom line...as always, do what will be best for YOU. You've been through enough and it's time to take care of yourself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know what it's like to have an AD.

marle

I consider addiction a disease and even though I would not support my daughter in her addiction, I did support her when she trying to get clean. If you would like to visit her, there is nothing that says that you can't go. Or if you don't want to visit her there is nothing that says you must. Going for a visit is not enabling in my opinion. Getting clean and staying clean is hard work. Who knows whether or not your daughter is done. Miracles can and do happen even with the most resistant. And even if your daughter does go back out there she will take the things she learned in rehab with her. It might make a difference in the future. Hugs and prayers, Marle

Freedom1990

Have you tried praying about it? Often I say "Thy will be done, not mine."

For me, if I were not to visit (which would be my choice), it wouldn't be as a punishment, but merely a boundary that makes clear I'm not supporting self-will run riot on her part (wanting to leave and do it her way).

When I went through a 30 day rehab for my addictions, I think it was the 3rd week that my folks came down for a family session. That was the only visit.

It did me a world of good to not have family visit for the most part and begin to see the damage I had inflicted.

PeaceTrain

Hugs to you, you have probably made your decision by now. I just know from my personal experience, my daughter was very angry every time she entered rehab and vowed to get out of there one way or another. -- She even threatened to walk around without clothes, so they would throw her out. -- she never did -- but the threats were there. However, after three weeks, she seemed to become less angry and more reasonable to talk to. She has been to three rehabs and they all recommended that family not visit initially - however, we were allowed to talk on the phone. She also called people to pick her up from the first rehab - no one did - the other rehabs were 500 miles away! I found it a relief not to visit, knowing she was safe was good enough for me.
Good Luck and Best Wishes,

Ann

Do what feels right for YOU. If you want to go, go. If you don't want to go then stay home.

Too often we try to do what is right for them, at the expense of our own peace of mind.

Whether you go now or later (if at all) my thoughts are to have an escape plan in place if she is disrespectful or doesn't appreciate your kindness.

Big hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

Ann

Totfit, this forum is for friends and families of addicts and our support is based on that. I'm not sure if codependency is your issue or not, but something I learned was that my son, like many active addicts, was not truthful. So I believed he was done when his actions showed me over a long period of time that he was done. He's still not done today. But I am done guessing.

cece1960

(((SB)))
Has she asked you to visit?
I tend to stay away when my son is working on "himself", for several reasons:

• My presence may open the door for manipulation and requests to come home.
• I know now that I am in many ways a trigger for him. See my face, and opportunity knocks.
• Sometimes I need to rehabilitate as much as him, and the distance allows me to get my feet planted more firmly on the ground.

I know after these last five years that one may never be "done" in the sense that they never slip and fall, or even that they aren't ready to put the effort in this time. I also know that there are those who haven't even realized their addiction yet.

We can only take this stuff one day at a time try our best to not allow our happiness to wait for theirs (I was typing that to myself, I think )

(((Hugs)))

sleepygoat

It is actually fairly normal to want to leave treatment. The disease 'speaks' to us (addicts) and in early, early recovery, we don't have much in the way of tools to know how to shut it up. this stuff can really turn on a dime, sometimes. There were times when just waiting 5 more minutes for the urge to pass made another year of recovery possible. consider it a miracle that nobody came to pick her up. she got a gift, big time. What she does with that gift, only time will tell. I often wonder what might have been my own AD's path, had her idiot BF NOT picked her up each and every time she called him from rehab wanting to leave. Wanting to use, wanting to leave, attitude, all of it is part of the process, and it isn't pretty. But whether you visit, write, send cigarettes, etc is all about what you need, not what she needs. She needs to stay put and get a little time between herself and her last drug... Praying she does just that.

URMYEVERYTHING

I would only go and visit if you stay clear on your boundaries and not let her quacking get under your skin. If you aren't reading to hear that, then don't go. You can show support in other ways by sending her a card, addiction recovery book, etc. Otherwise, you may be placing yourself into a position you will find hard to get out of.

I visited my HBF this weekend and gave him stamps and envelopes. He then started to quack, "I can't call anyone without a phone card." I replied, "Well, you have plenty of stamps and envelopes, I'm sure you can say the same things you would on a phone call." He tried and tried but I stook to my boundaries. A phone card comes after 30 days of you being here. A pair of pants, will come after 60 days of you being here, etc., etc.

Hope this helps.