03fifteen

All the stuff he's put me through, I shouldn't miss him so much, but i do. In 2 years hes left me 2 times and begged to come back, and cheated on me a few times too. A took him back till the last time and told him we need a break. The break has been good for both of us so far. But i still miss him. He's helped me through some hard times, but he's hurt me too. We both have realized now that we have problems with codependency. And hopefully he's trying to work on it like I am.

MissFixit

Hey,

I prefer to see things as healthy and unhealthy or do a cost benefit analysis. To me there is no real should or shouldn't. Those ideas get me into a world of hurt and anger at myself and others when I see should and shouldn't. Those words (to me) are judgements that are different for everybody. I don't know what I should or shouldn't feel. I know what I would like to feel and how I don't want to feel. There are actions that support each outcome, so I am trying to make choices to act in ways that support or promote healthy outcomes resulting in ways I would like to feel.

What actions can you choose to feel better, even if it is something small?

sandrawg

I once heard a wise person say "don't should on yourself."

If someone was ALL bad, you probably wouldn't miss him. Frankly, I had an ex who was pretty much, ALL bad. He was narcissistic, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, dishonest...I could go on and on. I'm not saying I didn't get some positive things out of the rel'ship, but I do NOT miss him.

My xabf, on the other hand, is a good person at heart. Very sweet. Very loving. He may have made some mistakes while drinking, and some mistakes due to immaturity, but i don't think he's bad. So I know I will definitely miss him-I will definitely miss the good times. I won't, however, miss being around him when he was drinking and all the negative effects of his alcoholism.

Your head is telling you you should or shouldn't do this, I'd just let yourself feel whatever emotions come up and go with the flow.

03fifteen

i guess should and shouldn't aren't the right words then.
He is a good guy. He just has some traits to work on.

03fifteen

I think i'm trying to shoulder some of the blame onto him, when really, he's one of the people thats helped me the most. Really its more my parents who havent helped the most. And they're my parents, i dont want to "blame" them for has happened to me. But thats how its turned out. Friends have told me for quite awhile its my parents but i chose refused to acknowledge it. But now i'm getting sick of my situation.

MissFixit

Hey,

If these people are causing you pain, then maybe you distance yourself or find new ways to deal with them.???

sandrawg

But, hon-you said he cheated on you. More than once.

I'm not sure i'd label someone who could do that a "good guy." Cheating's pretty bad, and it's nearly impossible to have a relationship after that happens, because the trust is destroyed.

03fifteen

i know why he did. cause its its a long distance relationship. it has been for most of the time. and i'm not there for him. although i'm not how close our relationship will be after we start talking again.

TakingCharge999

03 fifteen a loss is a loss no matter how bad the partner was... its natural to feel the blues.

He cheated because he has no respect for you and has no respect for himself. I know this because I have cheated.

03fifteen

i guess i'm just still hoping.
its hard to accept.

MissFixit

Hey there,

You are worth so much more than this! I don't know you and I BELIEVE that.

No one deserves to be cheated on. I was cheated on last year and it devastated me. There is no reason or justification for it. Long distance or not, you DESERVE someone who loves you and respects you at any distance.

brundle

I know it's really hard to be alone and missing some one it can drive you up a wall. We are set-up to forgive and over time I think our minds even play little tricks on us by making us think "oh it really wasn't that bad!"

It sounds to me like you might be there now. Just remember that if you stick it out for everytime you miss him the rewards are so great. You don't have that sick worry in the pit of your stomach about "what he's doing wrong" and you know it was there if he cheated on you. If your on this forum there is some sort of addiction issue your free from that. For every one think you miss there where probably 10 that got you to the place you are today.

I'm still with my AH who make me cry everyday. I can tell you with all certainty that there are worse things than missing someone and being alone.

03fifteen

Thank you all. Your words help. Its hard to let go of someone who's helped you get through things for so long.

For a long time he's the one whos wanted to keep the relationship together. He's also said many times that he wishes he could just come and get me and take me away from my family adn get me out of here. He also feels too attached sometimes. but thats kinda the past now. since we're taking a break. which is good for both of us. I want to show him this forum, but at the same time i dont want to. He also has problems with codependency.

Mitsy

That is exactly my sentiments about my ex-bf. He did have some good traits. He had a good heart and he could make me laugh and was easy to talk to WHEN he was sober. His inability & his refusal to get help for his addiction was the long & short of it though. He was horrible to be around when he'd been drinking a lot, especially the hard liquor. I have not heard from him in a couple weeks now & I'm hoping he doesn't call again - unless it's from rehab and even then I must remain on my own life course because I don't trust him to stay sober even then.

Mitsy

I did some of that mind bending when I was with Robert. But, I did it thinking that it would not happen again. How little I knew because he always exhibited the same hateful behavior again and again after he got drunk.

A good friend of mine was raised by her grandmother who often told her that "There are much worse things in life than being lonely." I remind myself of that often and know that I'm better off alone than with a verbally abusive drunk.

03fifteen

I'm talking to him again. Before our break was over. I couldn't just ignore him, i didnt want to. He got kicked out of his dad's house for unknown reasons. (his parents are devorced). So we both agreed that the break was over.

03fifteen

We've both realized things, and are working on them. We're both not so close as we used to be, me, because I'm afraid to be hurt, and him, because he's afraid of hurting me. But I'm still part of his support right now because he's going through some hard times. And he's still there for me. Hopefully soon there will be more talking. I opened that door today. It's hard for me to do. Talk about myself, how I'm feeling, what I need. But I'm working on it.

sailorjohn

And I would strongly urge you not to mention this forum to him, whatever you decide to do with your relationship.

03fifteen

thank you sailorjohn.

Gypsy Feet

hmmm, some things that stand out

Missing someone and acknowledging the grief over an ended relationship are natural. I miss my (ex) fairly regularly. Sometimes I allow myself to romanticize for a few moments and remember the good times, but at the end I always do a reality check with the way things are. And the way things are, is that he has a sickness I can't cure, and it was killing me inside to be with him.

Hope is another story altogether. When I was 'hoping", I was still trying to predict and/or control the outcome and make it something wonderful. I still hope for him to be well someday, but I stay rooted in the realities of now, which are that he and I are done, and that I am in a much better place on my own, working on me.

The fact that he only cheated on you because ___________ is you still making excuses for him honey. I hope you can take a good long time to do serious work on you, and discover the things in life that bring you joy, and learn to set boundaries that protect you from things that hurt you, long before you consider being in a serious and committed relationship.

Last, I agree with sailorjohn. There are other recovery sites out there he can find himself with a little effort. I almost gave this site to my ex because I was so worried about him, but honestly if I had, I would not have been able to speak freely here and utilize SR to its full potential. I believe SR has been one of the most important tools I have in my recovery, and I wouldn't want to guess at where I would be right now without it.