gingernyc

Last time I posted, I was at the 5 month mark and complaining about how I wasn't liking the sober life. I think another month under my belt has really helped me start to feel more solid and grounded in who I am. I don't feel so disconnected between my body and my mind, don't feel that floating, unmoored feeling...the feeling of when I laugh or say something, that I think, "who was that?"

I've been in some challenging situations: client dinners, Irish wakes, festive BBQ's and things do seem to be getting easier. I'm trying to focus on the freedom I feel. The way I don't obsess about how much wine is left in the bottle when it was shared between a few people. The way I don't have to count my drinks. The way I would trick myself into saying I've had a half a bottle of wine, when I go back for that next drink, and the next, till there's just two fingers left at the bottom, and then I trick myself into thinking, well at least I didn't drink the whole bottle. I guess there is freedom there. Freedom to not worry about which night the wine store isn't open and to make sure I'm stocked up.

I will soon celebrate my first real birthday sober. I'm gradually telling people things like, "haven't drank in 6 months." When they ask why, depending on who it is, I might say, "I liked it too much, and I didn't like what it was doing to me." That's a huge step, because I feel an extraordinary amount of shame. Other people, casual acquaintances or clients just don't need to know. If they push, I usually say something like, 'have a big day tomorrow."

One of my struggles is this feeling of being "different." When I look at this closely I notice that it is something I have always felt even when I was a child. Not drinking alcohol in a social situation makes me stand out. Most of the time it's not that noticeable, but yesterday, for instance, at a big round table full of clients and colleagues (9 out of 10), everyone was ordering a cocktail. Everyone but me. One by one, the waitress asked each of us what we would have. A few people gave me the hairy eyeball when I asked first for this pomegranate drink (virgin), and then for a subsequent coconut cocktail without alcohol. The discomfort was momentary, but I did feel that weird feeling of time slowing down and everyone sort of assessing me. I know it's not their business, and I know I'm not a little kid anymore, but still feeling like the one that doesn't fit in is very old and stirs up a lot of crap. Also, that somehow I'm "better than them" that I'm "stuck up." When I'm in the moment, I actually do have a good time, and am able to focus on the conversation, the food, the people, etc., and not how much wine is left in my glass and whether I am making a fool of myself. Anyway, just wanted to share. Curious if anyone else has these yukky feelings about being different. Thanks to all.

traderjane

Ginger, I can totally relate to your post. I don't have much sobriety under my belt (just 5 days, but I'm not regretting my decision for one minute) so I'll leave the "real advice" up to the experts on here.

I did find your post inspiring because I remember you felt like you were really missing something without alcohol in your life at the 5 month point. It's nice that you did not go back to drinking and are seeming to feel more comfortable with this decision you made for yourself.

I laughed a little bit at your description of leaving two fingers worth of wine in the bottle. For some reason, I usually did that too. On my last night of drinking I just drank the whole damn bottle, not even bothering to leave that last little bit in the bottle -- LOL. I feel a lot like you do and can relate to your feelings of what it was like to try to moderate, be in control, etc. I can see that total sobriety is going to be my ticket out of this mess.

I am also worried about social situations and how to handle them. I have a few work functions coming up. Everyone in my office drinks, though not excessively. I'm going to be the one who has to order cranberry juice or a mocktail that looks like a cocktail, etc. And while I'm not nervous about this for myself, I am nervous about how others will view me. What will they think? Why is she not drinking? Why does she *never* drink? I'm not sure how to handle it. I look forward to reading people's responses here.

Best,
Laura

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Percent of adults who drank alcohol in the past year: 61% (2006)

Those numbers are from the CDC, do a little extrapolation, IIRC the 'rate' of alcoholism is 10%-someone please jump in to correct me here if I'm wrong-translates into a lot of alcoholics out there, close to 20,000,000?

In my experience, and I've heard it observed by others, alcoholics tend to gravitate towards each other, so you are naturally feeling like the odd person out, hanging out in social situations with practicing alcoholics. My take on it is that in these situations the percentages are skewed a bit, with more problem drinkers being present than is reflected in the statistics.

Good news is that feeling does pass.

gingernyc

Ok, maybe I'm not getting what you're trying to convey, SailorJohn. I'm not "hanging out" with alcoholics. I'm simply trying to live my life and not hole up in a closet somewhere. The truth is, alcohol is everywhere. Even in my own home. My husband drinks, and I'm dealing with that--not fun, but I deal with it.

The situation I was referring to in my post was a client lunch, an obligatory function of my job. I'm not putting myself in drinking situations intentionally. I'm not hanging out at bars. In fact, it's only recently that I actually feel that I can socialize because I have been so vigilant about making sure I'm not around alcohol...and that the social functions I do attend for the most part are not alcohol-focused.

I get what you mean that a certain percentage of people at any given table where drinks are being served is indeed an alcoholic. I'm just struggling with feeling different. I had the erroneous assumption that alcohol somehow "helped" me feel like I fit in. But I know this is less about the alcohol and more about me, and that I need to be okay with who I am whether I drink or not. Does that make sense?

Walter

Feeling different may be what brought us to drink so excessively in the first place. I think we are different. In my experience, my gut doesn't lie to me very often. I think I've come to terms with being...different. What I can't come to terms with easily is being in my own head, analyzing, sensing, thinking thinking THINKING ..all the time! If we weren't different, we could probably sit around with everyone else laughing and sipping cocktails, and generally feeling content..but we don't do that.

I hyperfocus onto people, places, things (including booze)...I think many of us possess these oversensitivies and although it can be a real burden, I also acknowledge it as a gift. An eye for detail and greatly heightened senses. Thanks Mother Earth...I guess.

tommyk

Here's one suggestion on what to say:

"Alcohol was (is) aggravating a medical problem I had (have)."

I feel different because I am different - I don't drink, and I like the difference.

Wolfchild

i felt somewhat out of place with a sober and clean lifestyle in the beginning.
Changes were taking place on the outside & i wasn't sure what to make of it.
As i began to live the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, i saw that i had come home.

i hope that you keep moving forward with what works for you
& appreciate your staying sober daily for this amount of time.

tallcactus

I feel U. That is where I'am, always thinking and feeling....
My gut, NEVER lies to me.
Stay strong.

sfgirl

It gets easier.

Perspective is a huge thing. When I read your story of the client lunch I was like, whoa, what a bunch of drinkers. I now think that is strange. Perhaps in early recovery or when I was drinking it would be normal. Now I realize how much fewer people actually drink than I previously thought. Your perspective naturally shifts as you work through recovery. And while six months in a lot of ways is a long time, it is also early. I am almost at a year and I still feel early. In fact, six months was a turning point for me. It was right around six months when everything started to click and I actually finally started to feel better being social and now I just don't mind. Probably at six months at that client dinner I would have been concerned like you. Now, I would be like whoa, why are all these people drinking so much, weird. And they are all going to feel like crap tomorrow, not me. And then I would just move on. I probably would just order a soda too and not try to do anything fancy mocktail and try to fit it. But that is just where I am now.

It is funny, I have realized in the last few months, in fact two days ago, I found out one of my uncles gave up drinking years ago and never drinks. I have an aunt who did the same. Did I ever notice this or know this while drinking? No, I thought my whole family was drinking like fishes. Now I feel like no one drinks and I am kind of like how did I get anyone to go to the bar with me? So basically it might seem overwhelming now but it gets easier and it changes.

stephnc

You might want to look at the "stirring up of old crap" as a good thing; it's probably going to be ultimately in your best interest to deal with that stuff anyways so see this as a good thing if you can. Hope that makes sense.

BenMacdui

After about 2 1/2 months of sobriety, I definitely relate to some of the feelings of being "different" when being around people drinking in social company. However, even now it gets less and less awkward and people no longer make comment. Also, I'm no longer expected to participate in rounds, which has saved me tons of money

digderidoo

I have felt the same in these situations, but then someone pointed out to me that it was me that was feeling like this, the reality is that other people couldn't give two hoots whether you drink or not. that feeling of being different is just your feelings, rather than other people actually thinking your different. It would be good to analyse why it makes you feel that way, and why it bothers you that you feel as though you're standing out in these situations, when the reality is that you're not....that's what i ahd to do anyway.

Paul

Dee74

OK so you don't need me to tell you not everyone drinks LOL

I think I get it Ginger - I never felt comfortable in my own skin - I always felt different - long before I ever took a drink.

I'm sorry that you're getting that feeling stirred up.

I think we all have a lot of that kind of baggage which sobriety uncovers again, like the tide going out...and we just have to deal with it.

I don't know when I realised I was comfortable in my own skin at last...but it was somewhere in the 6-9 month range.

I think the self esteem you get from finally dealing with the drinking demon, and the confidence you gain from dealing with stuff sober, helps...

for me it was around that time that I dared to think 'hey this might be a viable permanent alternative'...everything seemed to click

Congratulations on your 6 months - I hope thinks click for you like they did for me soon Ginger

Keep going!
D

Rad44

I have found that the "uncomfortable" different feeling is more in my own head (more specifically my Alcoholic Brain talking), than it is even noticed by anyone else. Everyone else is really only concerned with their own drinking and not anyone else's. I mean, what's really the downside here?

I get to drive home with Zero chance of getting a DUI? I remain intelligent and coherent through out the evening? I listen to others instead of just blabbering and talking in circles or saying something I regret later? I get to bed at a Decent Hour and wake up rested and refreshed? My Bar Tab is Zero rather than $50-$75.? That I don't need a head full of Alcohol to feel comfortable in Social Situations?

If this is "Different".....Sign me up.

north

I've been sober for about the same time (since start of February) and have learnt a few things:

1. Not drinking does not make you stand out as much as you think you do. No big deal I've found even when buying rounds - either iced tea or ginger ale. After everyone has had a few, almost no one takes much notice. The few people who seem to notice and make the most mention of it are often the ones who have drinking problems of their own.

2. There are more non-drinkers out there than you might realize. I thought I knew who all of them were .... Mormons, Muslims, 'recovering alkies' and teetotalers. When I got sober, I realized there were a lot more non-drinkers than I realized. The G&Ts they had in their hand were just tonic and lime, but they had no reason to make an issue of it.

3. There will inevitably be a time when your non-alcoholic drink order gets mixed up. For example, a gin & tonic instead of a ginger ale. In different circumstances, I might have shrugged my shoulders and accepted the drink. If you are serious about your sobriety, be prepared for these situations and be ready to send it back for the right one. Same goes for the occasional 'well-meaning' prankster (given the crowd I hang out with) who'll switch your drink or drink order.

4. One of my biggest secret fears about going sober was becoming 'that guy' - the boring teetotaler that people stopped inviting out. I discovered 1) the invitations out haven't changed much 2) at the same time, my own interest in attending certain events has changed. I've naturally become more selective about how I spent my spare time - and all for the better (for me and my family).

wildboy99

I relate too. Thank you for the post. I have always felt isolated, ever long before I began to drink. It is one of the things that Bill W often talks about. That hole of something missing deep inside us that most of us spend so much time trying to fill with outside stimuli, excitement, drugs, alcohol, relationships.... anything to try to fill that hole.
Today, I am beginning to understand that only my higher power can fill that hole and all the artificial things I have done to fill it have only built up a wall between myself and my HP. In essence, the channel to God's will has been blocked much of my life. In step four and five, I shared with another human being all the things about myself and was loved with complete acceptance anyway. That is when I began to feel less isolated.:praying

mikefreak

Ginger, you ARE different, & there's nothing wrong with it. After I finally got it through my head that I wasn't missing out on anything GOOD by not drinking, It got easier. Beer smells like puke to me now. If you feel weird about not drinking at a social gathering, have a coke/pepsi on the rocks in your hand. Everyone will think you have a mixed drink,& you will fit right in-worked for me!

shaun00

alcohol was woven into the very fabric of my life....

years of rounded of the edges of how i felt...good or bad....

is it any wonder it takes a fair bit of time to un-weave all the years of poisoning.

for me......it wouldnt get better....i continue to feel completely out of my depth without booze.

kind of like i jumped off the burning ship..BUT...now i was in the water and i cant swim...

something in aa jumped out at me...."hopeless state of mind".
and that i could recover from that "hopeless state of mind".

i did......over time and working through the 12 steps.

to be honest i didnt think it would be a solution for me.........i thought i was mentally unstable...mad..........i thought i was different.

yes i have a booze problem...........BUT why do i feel like this when i aint drinking....maybe it aint about booze....

today i feel like a round peg...in a round hole.....at last.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Wildboy

D

CarolD

Being in recovery allows me to feel free and special.
Why not begin to think ....special rather than different?

When it's your turn to order ....here is my experience...
"I'll have a Diet Coke ...make it a double please"
usually gets grins rather than sly glances.

Good to know you are making progress....