Now starting to grieve......again
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Now starting to grieve......again
The funeral is over, my XAH is no longer suffering and he is at peace, so now the grieving begins for me and the family.
Over 100 people were there to say goodbye and to show support to us all. I was surprised at so many who came from out of the long ago past, even ex-coworkers from 30 years ago that neither of us had seen in that time.
The service was lovely, and we all made good use of the tissues that were strategically placed around, because we cried a lot, sometimes with laughter at memories recalled and with deep grief when we finally watched him go.
I went to see him at the family viewing just before the service, and still can't believe it was him. Where was the 6ft 2inch tall, well built man I knew for so long? Who was that shrunken, gaunt little old man in that coffin? How could he have changed so much in the 12 months since I last saw him?
Did anything I had said or done in the last 20 years apart, help cause that?
I know he increased his drinking after I left, and he was so angry and bitter at me and God, that he no longer went to mass or other church clubs he had belonged to. Hearing that has caused me nearly 20 years of so much pain and guilt, and I have constantly prayed for him all the time. A year ago he had it arranged for a graveside service conducted by a secular celebrant, so I expected that to occur.
Imagine my surprise and great joy, to find out that he had been visited by a priest over the past 2 months, was reconciled to his God, and received annointing and Eucharist the Sunday before his death.
I felt like a ton weight I carried for all those years, had suddenly lifted off my shoulders, and oh what a blessing that was for me. No More GUILT for me on his account.
Of course really, I know in my head, that I did NOT make him leave his faith, and church. I wasn't powerful enough to stop him drinking, let alone drag him away from God. It was more from my heart that I felt I was to blame.
However it was his decision and choice to keep drinking, and to make life for me in the marriage impossible to endure. It was his decision to blame both God and me for the consequences of his choices, and to cast us both out of his life.
I realise now I just played the cards he dealt out to me at that time.
I still have a lot more to get thru but this is a beginning at least.
Over 100 people were there to say goodbye and to show support to us all. I was surprised at so many who came from out of the long ago past, even ex-coworkers from 30 years ago that neither of us had seen in that time.
The service was lovely, and we all made good use of the tissues that were strategically placed around, because we cried a lot, sometimes with laughter at memories recalled and with deep grief when we finally watched him go.
I went to see him at the family viewing just before the service, and still can't believe it was him. Where was the 6ft 2inch tall, well built man I knew for so long? Who was that shrunken, gaunt little old man in that coffin? How could he have changed so much in the 12 months since I last saw him?
Did anything I had said or done in the last 20 years apart, help cause that?
I know he increased his drinking after I left, and he was so angry and bitter at me and God, that he no longer went to mass or other church clubs he had belonged to. Hearing that has caused me nearly 20 years of so much pain and guilt, and I have constantly prayed for him all the time. A year ago he had it arranged for a graveside service conducted by a secular celebrant, so I expected that to occur.
Imagine my surprise and great joy, to find out that he had been visited by a priest over the past 2 months, was reconciled to his God, and received annointing and Eucharist the Sunday before his death.
I felt like a ton weight I carried for all those years, had suddenly lifted off my shoulders, and oh what a blessing that was for me. No More GUILT for me on his account.
Of course really, I know in my head, that I did NOT make him leave his faith, and church. I wasn't powerful enough to stop him drinking, let alone drag him away from God. It was more from my heart that I felt I was to blame.
However it was his decision and choice to keep drinking, and to make life for me in the marriage impossible to endure. It was his decision to blame both God and me for the consequences of his choices, and to cast us both out of his life.
I realise now I just played the cards he dealt out to me at that time.
I still have a lot more to get thru but this is a beginning at least.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
However it was his decision and choice to keep drinking, and to make life for me in the marriage impossible to endure. It was his decision to blame both God and me for the consequences of his choices, and to cast us both out of his life.
I still have a lot more to get thru but this is a beginning at least.
I still have a lot more to get thru but this is a beginning at least.
What you said here is so true, so right, so profound . My exABF blamed me for sending him back to the bottle and when I finally accepted and understood that the choice to keep drinking is theirs and theirs alone, the guilt does ease and the acceptance takes over.
It does not make the loss any easier to bear but as you say, it's a beginning.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
You need not feel any quilt. You know and God knows that you did everything you could, but realized it was not in your power to change another.
Grieving is good for a time. Now, you know, as do others here who have been affected by the addictions of loved ones - that we grieve a very long time, during the downward spirals we witness. It is not a feeling we experience only at the death of a person. Grieve a bit more, and realize that your loved one is no longer suffering the anguish of the addiction. Grieve for what could never be fullfilled. But then move on in realizing that we are all connected in so many ways. Take the best from this relationship and move into a new beginning for yourself.
My heartfelt condolences.
Grieving is good for a time. Now, you know, as do others here who have been affected by the addictions of loved ones - that we grieve a very long time, during the downward spirals we witness. It is not a feeling we experience only at the death of a person. Grieve a bit more, and realize that your loved one is no longer suffering the anguish of the addiction. Grieve for what could never be fullfilled. But then move on in realizing that we are all connected in so many ways. Take the best from this relationship and move into a new beginning for yourself.
My heartfelt condolences.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Jadmack,
I am sorry for your grief.
How wonderful it is that he is no longer suffering. He has peace now.
You sound very grounded, and I hope that you do something rejuvenating for yourself in the near future. You are a super lady and deserve the serenity you have been moving towards.
Hugs
Miss
I am sorry for your grief.
How wonderful it is that he is no longer suffering. He has peace now.
You sound very grounded, and I hope that you do something rejuvenating for yourself in the near future. You are a super lady and deserve the serenity you have been moving towards.
Hugs
Miss
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I am very sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you for your comments-- I can't find them now-- regarding the letter of apology that you wrote, that your former husband kept. I wrote one of those too and didn't get any response either. But you gave me some hope that it might have been received and appreciated.
Thank you for your comments-- I can't find them now-- regarding the letter of apology that you wrote, that your former husband kept. I wrote one of those too and didn't get any response either. But you gave me some hope that it might have been received and appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I had survivor's guilt for a long time after I left my EXAH.
It hit me really hard when he called out of the blue all those years ago to tell me he was in the clinical stages of AIDS, and asked if I had ever been tested for HIV.
Somewhere along the way that guilt was replaced by gratitude for not being a part of that life anymore, and for having another chance at life.
When my mom sent me his obituary, I really did grieve deeply. It gave 'substance' to the seriousness of the disease, if that makes any sense. It made it all 'real'.
I was sad for the choices he made, and the end result of those choices, which was death.
I will always remain forever grateful for the time that he was in my life because that was the factor that sent me spiraling to my bottom in my own alcoholism/addictions, and getting help.
(((((Jadmack)))))
It hit me really hard when he called out of the blue all those years ago to tell me he was in the clinical stages of AIDS, and asked if I had ever been tested for HIV.
Somewhere along the way that guilt was replaced by gratitude for not being a part of that life anymore, and for having another chance at life.
When my mom sent me his obituary, I really did grieve deeply. It gave 'substance' to the seriousness of the disease, if that makes any sense. It made it all 'real'.
I was sad for the choices he made, and the end result of those choices, which was death.
I will always remain forever grateful for the time that he was in my life because that was the factor that sent me spiraling to my bottom in my own alcoholism/addictions, and getting help.
(((((Jadmack)))))
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Jadmack I am so sorry for your loss. This was my worst nightmare for my xabf. And he is only 35. The nightmare continues to this day.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your ex. May he rest in peace and be happier in the next world than he was in this one XXXX
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your ex. May he rest in peace and be happier in the next world than he was in this one XXXX
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Big hugs from Dolce the cat and me. I agree with MissFixIt you are a super lady and your post brought tears to my eyes. I know its possible one day I will be writing the same about ex. I hope you remember this is just a temporary good bye. One day we will all meet up there in God's grace and there will be no more suffering.
BIG HUGS!
BIG HUGS!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you Jadmack for posting that. My family are all trying to prepare ourelves for my Dad's death. It looks like he's going to die soon. He weighs only 130 pounds now. He used to be such a tall, fit, strong man. I wish I wish I wish he would have quit and still wish he would so that maybe we could have another year together perhaps? I'm going to miss him when he goes. He is such a sweet, kind, and caring man.
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