just tried posting my story
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
just tried posting my story
i keep getting a blank page when i click submit, frustrating because I just spent an hour typing it out, sorry if this actually posts, I'm just trying to see if I can post anything
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
I guess I'll just post my story here. Sorry If there's a problem.
I'm posting to introduce myself and share my story. I recently found this forum and have found some good resources here, so I thought it would be good to be a little more proactive.
First of all, the 4 month mark has a lot of significance for me. In 2003, after nearly killing myself in 2 drunk driving accidents within 6 months and a suicide attempt, I entered a treatment facility. I was what I've heard to as a "garbage head," although alcohol was my "alpha and omega" to use another phrase I picked up in treatment. I did a month in primary care and 2 in extended. After "graduating" I returned home and was clean for another month. This is why 4 months clean means so much to me. It was the longest period of clean time that I was able to put together. This time I did it without being more or less locked away in a facility. This was my first short term goal and I met it. I'm feeling really good about this and it has me motivated to reach my next milestone, 1 year.
The one year mark has a back-story for me as well. When I had previously met the 4 month mark, I didn't go back to drinking; I "merely" started smoking pot again. Honestly, it didn't hamper my life to any great degree. I also shortly thereafter began using other drugs on an occasional basis (psychedlics, some speed, nitrous, pills, etc). Again, no real problems on their end either. I don't mention because I'm proud that I could use them without ramifications, there were, they just were not as glaringly obvious as wrecked cars, suicide attempts and arrests. All things considered, life went pretty well. I wasn't drinking. I met my future wife. I got back into college. This was my senior year. By chance, I took some philosophy courses and discovered my passion in life. I gradated the following spring and eventually got into grad school.
Anyway, shortly after my one year anniversary of getting sober (not clean) I decided to test my ability to drink responsibly. I didn't get the results I was hoping for. I didn't have some monumental collapse but I certainly wasn't under control. I woke up feeling like crap and my then fiance more or less gave me an ultimatum. So I gave up drinking again, not drugs however. I see now that it was the drugs that left the door open to drink again. They did this primarily by repressing all the psychological problems that drinking used to repress. The difference was that I wasn't a complete maniac on drugs. I didn't black-out, I didn't get violent, I didn't act a fool in public, I was able to act sober. All that said, this is why my next goal is the 1 year mark. This time I will stay sober and stay clean for a year. I'm focused on this goal and accomplishing it sustains me.
I guess after that it will be the two year mark. Yea I know I'm sounding really creative at this point, but stay with me. After my relapse at the one year mark, I did exactly what I did before. No drinking, regular pot smoking and occasional use of an assortment of other drugs. The two year anniversary of my discharge from rehab coincided with the weeks leading up to my marriage. For many of us, with marriage comes a bachelor party. I thought that I deserved to to enjoy this experience in all its glory. And that I did, massive amounts of booze, cocaine, amphetamines and strippers in Atlantic City. I rode this wave right through the day of my wedding and justified it was what people do. I settled down somewhat after a disastrous night of drinking in New Orleans on my honeymoon. The problem was that the floodgates had been opened so to speak. Nevertheless, the 2 year mark will be a big one too.
As I mentioned, I settled down after all the debauchery surrounding my wedding. However, the occasion to drink was popping up more and more and the drug use stepped up as well. I was never an everyday drinker. That didn't change. However, when I did drink, it was usually a chaotic mess. Social drinking became reserved so special occasions. Usually around people I was too embarrassed to be my "normal drinking self" around. I was a true weekend warrior and I had my own platoon of fellow warriors to drink and use with. A typical night out consisted of about 15-20 beers and 10 whiskeys followed by as much coke as we could get our hands on and as many beers as it took to get through the bag. We'd get in fights or narrowly avert them. I got arrested fighting a bouncer.
The worst part was what my drinking and using was doing to my marriage. I was hurting my wife, not physically thankfully, but the emotional/psychological damage that I was doing to our relationship almost ended things. I'd try to clean up or make promises to do so but I just couldn't follow through. On top of the broken promises, I was digging myself a financial and professional hole. I was spending way to much loot, I couldn't find or keep a job and my graduate work was suffering big time.
This past April, was our 4th anniversary, about a week after it our marriage just about ended. Things came to a head and an ultimatum was given again to me. I decided that I had finally come to the point where I was ready to take whatever measures I had to. I needed to save my marriage and I needed to start turning my life around.
April 26th was my last drink and last drug. I had used AA/NA in the past but quite frankly I don't agree with a lot of the dogma and I guess I can save that debate for another time on these forums. I'm not using any real program right now. Perhaps I'm piecing one together on my own.
Somehow, I managed to find a job a few weeks before getting sober. Frankly I hate the work but its been beneficial. First of all, it pays pretty good. Its also on the weekend so my prime using time is occupied. I also get random drug tests so that's a safety net as well I guess. I'm actively seeking out more rewarding work and I trust that if I stay clean, that will come together.
My wife and I have been going to marriage counseling. That has gone incredibly well. Our therapist is my wife's normal counselor and this past week she thought that we've progressed so far that we can step back the sessions to the point that we only need to meet with her as a couple if and when we feel that we need to. Our relationship is stronger now than its ever been. I can't believe it honestly. If I believed in miracles, this would be one.
We're both seeing therapists on our own. For me, I'm finally dealing with the lifetime of issues that I used booze and drugs to deal with. Its not easy, but I'm turning a corner and I simply refuse to let chemicals tear apart the progress I've been and will continue to make.
As for other things, I'm following a good workout program and I'm in better shape than I've ever been. I eat pretty good, I do have this thing for ice cream but if thats the worst things that I have to worry about in life then I'm in good shape. Other than that I just try to enjoy life. I'm making a lot of ground on my master's thesis and hopefully I'll be in another master's program for counseling in the not too distant future.
The past 4 months have been a challenge but its great to come out of them successful. I had to isolate myself somewhat but I've been able to start poking my head back out. Watched some baseball and football this week with friends. I didn't know ahead of time but I wasn't surprised when booze and drugs got introduced into the situation. I was surprised by how I reacted to them. The temptation was minimal. What came to mind was how bad I would feel if I made the wrong decision. I would be putting my new life in jeopardy. I'd end up depressed at the bottom of a bag of coke all over again. I might get a **** test this weekend. I might wreck another car on the way home. Unfortunately, my life might start to look like those of some of my friends. I'm happy with where things are going and I'm not going back, no matter what.
I guess that's about it for now. Again I'm not using any program or technique. I'm certainly not relying on 12 step. There is one thing I picked up in rehab thought that never left me. The priest there used to quote from Shawshank Redemption all the time: "You get busy living or you get busy dying." In the movie Morgan Freeman replies "Damn Right." I tell myself this every morning. Thanks for reading. I know I'm long-winded. Any comments would be much appreciated.
I'm posting to introduce myself and share my story. I recently found this forum and have found some good resources here, so I thought it would be good to be a little more proactive.
First of all, the 4 month mark has a lot of significance for me. In 2003, after nearly killing myself in 2 drunk driving accidents within 6 months and a suicide attempt, I entered a treatment facility. I was what I've heard to as a "garbage head," although alcohol was my "alpha and omega" to use another phrase I picked up in treatment. I did a month in primary care and 2 in extended. After "graduating" I returned home and was clean for another month. This is why 4 months clean means so much to me. It was the longest period of clean time that I was able to put together. This time I did it without being more or less locked away in a facility. This was my first short term goal and I met it. I'm feeling really good about this and it has me motivated to reach my next milestone, 1 year.
The one year mark has a back-story for me as well. When I had previously met the 4 month mark, I didn't go back to drinking; I "merely" started smoking pot again. Honestly, it didn't hamper my life to any great degree. I also shortly thereafter began using other drugs on an occasional basis (psychedlics, some speed, nitrous, pills, etc). Again, no real problems on their end either. I don't mention because I'm proud that I could use them without ramifications, there were, they just were not as glaringly obvious as wrecked cars, suicide attempts and arrests. All things considered, life went pretty well. I wasn't drinking. I met my future wife. I got back into college. This was my senior year. By chance, I took some philosophy courses and discovered my passion in life. I gradated the following spring and eventually got into grad school.
Anyway, shortly after my one year anniversary of getting sober (not clean) I decided to test my ability to drink responsibly. I didn't get the results I was hoping for. I didn't have some monumental collapse but I certainly wasn't under control. I woke up feeling like crap and my then fiance more or less gave me an ultimatum. So I gave up drinking again, not drugs however. I see now that it was the drugs that left the door open to drink again. They did this primarily by repressing all the psychological problems that drinking used to repress. The difference was that I wasn't a complete maniac on drugs. I didn't black-out, I didn't get violent, I didn't act a fool in public, I was able to act sober. All that said, this is why my next goal is the 1 year mark. This time I will stay sober and stay clean for a year. I'm focused on this goal and accomplishing it sustains me.
I guess after that it will be the two year mark. Yea I know I'm sounding really creative at this point, but stay with me. After my relapse at the one year mark, I did exactly what I did before. No drinking, regular pot smoking and occasional use of an assortment of other drugs. The two year anniversary of my discharge from rehab coincided with the weeks leading up to my marriage. For many of us, with marriage comes a bachelor party. I thought that I deserved to to enjoy this experience in all its glory. And that I did, massive amounts of booze, cocaine, amphetamines and strippers in Atlantic City. I rode this wave right through the day of my wedding and justified it was what people do. I settled down somewhat after a disastrous night of drinking in New Orleans on my honeymoon. The problem was that the floodgates had been opened so to speak. Nevertheless, the 2 year mark will be a big one too.
As I mentioned, I settled down after all the debauchery surrounding my wedding. However, the occasion to drink was popping up more and more and the drug use stepped up as well. I was never an everyday drinker. That didn't change. However, when I did drink, it was usually a chaotic mess. Social drinking became reserved so special occasions. Usually around people I was too embarrassed to be my "normal drinking self" around. I was a true weekend warrior and I had my own platoon of fellow warriors to drink and use with. A typical night out consisted of about 15-20 beers and 10 whiskeys followed by as much coke as we could get our hands on and as many beers as it took to get through the bag. We'd get in fights or narrowly avert them. I got arrested fighting a bouncer.
The worst part was what my drinking and using was doing to my marriage. I was hurting my wife, not physically thankfully, but the emotional/psychological damage that I was doing to our relationship almost ended things. I'd try to clean up or make promises to do so but I just couldn't follow through. On top of the broken promises, I was digging myself a financial and professional hole. I was spending way to much loot, I couldn't find or keep a job and my graduate work was suffering big time.
This past April, was our 4th anniversary, about a week after it our marriage just about ended. Things came to a head and an ultimatum was given again to me. I decided that I had finally come to the point where I was ready to take whatever measures I had to. I needed to save my marriage and I needed to start turning my life around.
April 26th was my last drink and last drug. I had used AA/NA in the past but quite frankly I don't agree with a lot of the dogma and I guess I can save that debate for another time on these forums. I'm not using any real program right now. Perhaps I'm piecing one together on my own.
Somehow, I managed to find a job a few weeks before getting sober. Frankly I hate the work but its been beneficial. First of all, it pays pretty good. Its also on the weekend so my prime using time is occupied. I also get random drug tests so that's a safety net as well I guess. I'm actively seeking out more rewarding work and I trust that if I stay clean, that will come together.
My wife and I have been going to marriage counseling. That has gone incredibly well. Our therapist is my wife's normal counselor and this past week she thought that we've progressed so far that we can step back the sessions to the point that we only need to meet with her as a couple if and when we feel that we need to. Our relationship is stronger now than its ever been. I can't believe it honestly. If I believed in miracles, this would be one.
We're both seeing therapists on our own. For me, I'm finally dealing with the lifetime of issues that I used booze and drugs to deal with. Its not easy, but I'm turning a corner and I simply refuse to let chemicals tear apart the progress I've been and will continue to make.
As for other things, I'm following a good workout program and I'm in better shape than I've ever been. I eat pretty good, I do have this thing for ice cream but if thats the worst things that I have to worry about in life then I'm in good shape. Other than that I just try to enjoy life. I'm making a lot of ground on my master's thesis and hopefully I'll be in another master's program for counseling in the not too distant future.
The past 4 months have been a challenge but its great to come out of them successful. I had to isolate myself somewhat but I've been able to start poking my head back out. Watched some baseball and football this week with friends. I didn't know ahead of time but I wasn't surprised when booze and drugs got introduced into the situation. I was surprised by how I reacted to them. The temptation was minimal. What came to mind was how bad I would feel if I made the wrong decision. I would be putting my new life in jeopardy. I'd end up depressed at the bottom of a bag of coke all over again. I might get a **** test this weekend. I might wreck another car on the way home. Unfortunately, my life might start to look like those of some of my friends. I'm happy with where things are going and I'm not going back, no matter what.
I guess that's about it for now. Again I'm not using any program or technique. I'm certainly not relying on 12 step. There is one thing I picked up in rehab thought that never left me. The priest there used to quote from Shawshank Redemption all the time: "You get busy living or you get busy dying." In the movie Morgan Freeman replies "Damn Right." I tell myself this every morning. Thanks for reading. I know I'm long-winded. Any comments would be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by meo348241 
i keep getting a blank page when i click submit, frustrating because I just spent an hour typing it out, sorry if this actually posts, I'm just trying to see if I can post anything
WELCOME!!!
I know this from experience, I can be rather long-winded at times and a fairly slow typist, if you take too long to compose it will log you out and your writing is gone into the ether.
Compose your post in whatever word processing program you use, then copy and paste it into your message. Don't forget to break the thing up into easy to read paragraphs for the sake of the elderly folks here, like myself.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
Great story. I'm sort of fanatical about AA myself so I appreciate hearing some different perspectives here. (Although I would vote for your post to be published in the next version of the AA Big Book should you ever become a convert ;-).)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by stephnc
Great story. I'm sort of fanatical about AA myself so I appreciate hearing some different perspectives here. (Although I would vote for your post to be published in the next version of the AA Big Book should you ever become a convert ;-).)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
"You get busy living or you get busy dying."
Very true. If you don't provide yourself an alternative to the usage of intoxicants, then there is little hope of quitting them. Sometimes humans are like pinballs. They kind of shoot around heading in one direction or the other.
Very true. If you don't provide yourself an alternative to the usage of intoxicants, then there is little hope of quitting them. Sometimes humans are like pinballs. They kind of shoot around heading in one direction or the other.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Both the Shawshank book and the movie are among my faves too.
I guess the story of a man who 'crawled through a river of **** and came out clean on the other side' appeals to me in a recovery kinda way
welcome meo
D
I guess the story of a man who 'crawled through a river of **** and came out clean on the other side' appeals to me in a recovery kinda way
welcome meo
D
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
Welcome! You've had a hell of a ride so far... look back at the posts and you'll find many, many other stories we all can relate to.
I'm also not an AA'r but I'm not too proud to use it if my own program fails. I can certainly relate to ice cream. My new drug is running and biking which makes a great buzz and I cap the night off with almond covered M&Ms. Welcome to SR
I'm also not an AA'r but I'm not too proud to use it if my own program fails. I can certainly relate to ice cream. My new drug is running and biking which makes a great buzz and I cap the night off with almond covered M&Ms. Welcome to SR
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
