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don't trust myself

Old 08-28-2009, 06:13 AM
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don't trust myself

I am in the middle of seeing what it is like to be sober for 30 days. It's my third week, and it's been okay. I know I will make it to my thirty day mark. But I'm not sure what to do after that. Because here is what is becoming clearer to me every day: I hate not drinking. I hate coping with life "normally" without ever having an escape. And the truth is that I realized that despite all that I do for my family and for my work, my deepest yearning is simply to get away from myself. I don't trust myself because I think that I am selfish and manipulative; almost as immature as my own children even though I will go to great lengths to cover it up. And here is the scariest part for me as I contemplate drinking again: I don't think that I can change because I can't stand being so uncomfortable and "real" all the time. I can do it all day, but I want my escape at night. How did any of you do this for longer than a month?
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:23 AM
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I have a feeling most will say that just putting down the drink isnt enough...alot needed to commit to the AA 12 steps to change themselves...think of it as 'us' being the problem...not the 'drink'. I personally havent been to any AA meetings yet...i'm only 6 days in but have gained alot of help from this site and can see where they are coming from when they say this. I can see where you are coming from too...it would be easy to get through the 30 days if somewhere in my mind I wasnt fully commited..if somewhere I was promising myself that 'reward' at the end of it....but it has to go beyond that and that is why I cannot do the 30 day thing...I can only live in the day...one day at a time....I dont say that I will never drink again...I just say that today I wont...and hope that it will get better ...keep going and stay strong x
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:29 AM
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Like l wrote that myself...
Know how you feel.
It is not easy..
l just try a day at atime..
Doesn't always work but l hope it will for you.



Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble.
Sidney J. Harris
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:30 AM
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How did any of you do this for longer than a month?
Because the cost of forever running away from reality, and dealing with myself and my problems and my life simply became too great EJ - it took more and more alcohol to make my 'escape' viable.

I got both sick and tired...I realised I was killing myself.
I was anything but functioning and secret by the end of my drinking career.

I don't think you want to end up there.

It's ok to feel scared and overwhelmed. Don't forget you're not doing this alone - you have a lot of support here.

This is very unfamiliar ground -it can be frightening if you dwell on it - but try and stay in the day - all we ever really have to do is stay sober today. Tomorrow's out of reach for now.

It gets easier - the longer we stay sober, the more skills we gain, and the more effective we become with dealing with various issues that arise.

I believe there's an AA saying - don't leave before the miracle happens.
We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves that chance, EJ

D
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:34 AM
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I think we all go about this slightly differently. I actually made the decision to NOT drink for the rest of my life, just the other day. I could not do that up until now as I did not want to let go of drinking entirely. It was a "light bulb" moment for me. I'm only on Day 4, but it was the right decision. I weighed all the factors, I've tried every type of drinking arrangement known to man, and I came to the conclusion of what is best for me - physically and emotionally. I'm not missing drinking, because I've decided it's not an option for me anymore. I can't do it. Period.

It is difficult not having that "outlet" anymore (to escape from myself, as you say, Effortjoy.) But that is overrrated, because eventually, when the buzz wears off, you have to face yourself again. And usually, it's worse, much worse, as you've lost a part of yourself in the drink. That's how I feel anyways.

Effortjoy, I have started some personal pyschotherapy and think it's going to help me a lot. In addition to what everyone is saying about programs, AA, etc. maybe you should consider therapy if you are not doing that already?
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
- don't leave before the miracle happens.
We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves that chance, EJ
D
30 days is not enough time for the"miracle" to happen, but in 30 days your body does not need it anymore. That is a major step; one to be proud of.
Please don't throw it all away at this crucial time. Awaiting you down the road is a peace of mind that is unimaginable right now.

kB
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:45 AM
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my deepest yearning is simply to get away from myself
I was like this too. What I had to do was learn to change the part of myself that I needed the escape from. It did not matter if others approved of me. If I was unable to approve of me, I would always need an escape. First thing I had to accept; I could not do it alone, I needed the help of others. Not easy to do, but IMO the only way it can be done.
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:50 AM
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hmmm, i can relate to what you are saying about looking forward to an escape. for me, alcohol served as an escape from boredom and lonliness...but it also only made those two feelings worse after the buzz wore off (and the hangover arrived).

what were your reasons for wanting to quit drinking 3 weeks ago?
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:54 AM
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In addition to being totally abstinent, i stopped believing what my thoughts and feelings were telling me about myself. i was asked by a person in the fellowship, "Would you trust anything an insane person is telling you?". i replied, "NO!", to which he replied, "Then why are you believing what you are telling yourself about yourself?". The need to begin a process of recovery, based on the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, became very apparent!! i also needed to develope faith and hope for myself that i could heal if i made a daily effort to live this new way of life. This is how i learned to make my recovery personal and keep moving forward. For 3 years, 6 months, & 28 days; it has worked beyond my wildest dreams!! Fear, doubt, and self pity have left the building!! Their memberships to my life have been revoked!! i'm not perfect and i would not trade the progress i have made so far for anything or anyone ever again!!

i hope that you will not take that first drink or drug today and stay the course.
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Old 08-28-2009, 06:58 AM
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I got to a point, where the running away and hiding with alcohol became exahausting and was ruining my life. When I had 'not drinking' days (different from recovering days) I felt like you do and I hated it also. I could not imagine how to live that way.

I knew that I had to find some kind of spiritual connection with myself in order to recover. I'm not talking about religion, but about connecting with myself, my soul and understanding that I had a purpose in life. I needed to find that in order to begin to recover. Recovery is much different than not drinking and I hope you can discover that.
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Old 08-28-2009, 07:26 AM
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EJ I have been where you are at right now many times. About 10 years before I REALLY quit I would quit drinking for set periods of time..... funny thing is if I recall correctly it was for a month the first time, it started off very hard at first, but then I would reach that 2 week point and just kept counting down the days until that 30 day commitment was over.... you see it was actually fairly easy looking back on it. I KNEW I was going to drink again so I could handle it, I could MAN UP knowing that my reward, my escape was coming soon!!!!

Oh I would commit myself when that 30 days was up "I am going to control it this time and drink like other people, one or two every couple of days." Well failry quickly that one or tow every few days became more and more and eventually I was right back where I had left off at and even worse.

I kept repeating that cycle, the big difference was that the one month commitment to prove to myself I had control changed to 2 weeks, then to one week, then to a few days, every time I would think "I got it this time!" and I didn't!

I kept this up until I was physically and mentally addicted to alcohol.

When I quit the final time I had finally learned that as we say in AA "Alcohol was but a symptom of my problem!".

As you are seeing by simply not drinking you are the exact same person you were before you quit!

When I quit that was all I ever did, was quit drinking, I never changed anything about me and who I was. I still had all of the resentments, fears, self centeredness and monster ego going on along with the problems of day to day life that I did not know how to deal with unless I drank!

For me the solution was the program of AA and the fellowship of AA helping me work the program as I help others work thier program. The program of AA has led me to be able to let go of my resentments & fears, it has helped me learn how to deal with guilt and shame through a process of making amends when needed, it has allowed me to become a much better person and be comfortable in my own skin with out a need to escape the world.

Thanks to the program and fellowship of AA I live a good life, one that does have a solution for life, a solution that is so good that even the idea of a drink as a solution for any thing is gone.



I know you are in a "Position" where you are concerned about "Others" knowing you may have a problem. Did you know there are AA meetings on the hill EVERY DAY!!!!! Very few people do know that, these are not "Published" meetings, but they are heavily attended by "People in VERY high places."

Do you know who attends these meetings? I don't and I am in AA, the press doesn't, the main reason is because beleive it or not the press respects the anonymity of AA every bit as much as the members of AA do.

Would you rather word get out that you were "Drunk" or that you attended AA?

Would you think less of some one if you heard they were drunk at a Washington social function then you would to be surprised to learn that some one you had known for years in a high position or married to someone in a high position was in AA?

I know I am an alcoholic, I know that if I simply did not drink I would not have a solution because for many years I knew only one real solution to life and that was to drink to escape life..... today I know that is not a solution, it is a problem.

I have found a solution, a solution that works, that solution allows me to look the world in the eye and hold my head high, it allows me to be comfortable in my own sking and not having a drink in my hand.
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:14 AM
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When I drank, I drank to get away from "me". I've learned the "me" I drank to get away from was the "drunk me".....I was a miserable drunk. After several months of sobriety now, I've come to see "me" as a "sober me".......I like that "me" and I don't need to escape from that person anymore. Since turning that corner, it has made my daily struggles with drinking much easier. Looking at a future with no alcohol doesn't scare me as much as it used to. I realize now that I've gained so much more in comparison to what I gave up. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:33 AM
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I can identify with so much of what you wrote.

It was hard for me to discover that I was emotionally immature. I had not learned the art of caring for myself. So, I thought if I drank, and took care of all of my responsibilities as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, executive that made it ok.

I could reward myself with the prize of escaping, Hurray for me!

Unfortunately though, as time went on, the price I paid for what turned out to be the illusion of escaping was too great.

I feel what I feel, good or bad, and that is ok.

I am not perfect, but, I am trying my best, and that is ok.

My children have a sober parent, and that in itself is the most important choice I have made as their mother.

Hang in there.
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:33 AM
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I definitely felt like you in the beginning. It was so hard to stay in the "now." I was constantly struggling with those forever thoughts and they would always rock my world to almost caving in. How I did it in the beginning -

I white knuckled it. I had a reason and he, that reason, is in 1st grade. I had to find reasons outside of myself because I didn't like myself enough to want it to make ME better. I can honestly say I now like myself enough to know that I want to be sober because I want to live and not die. I don't want to punish my mind or body in that way any more. I am grateful that I was provided with any reason in the beginning because the longer I was away from the stuff the stronger and clearer my thinking became. I also used the 24 hour method. There is a thread called "Don't Quit" and I like to post my 24 hour promise there.

Have a back up plan and use whatever you have until it becomes a new way of life. No more hangovers, no more black outs, no more arguments over stupid stuff, and no more loss of dignity. That's what sobriety has given back to me. Hope this has helped in some small way.
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Old 08-28-2009, 09:43 AM
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I too was so where you are. However I sort of backed myself into rehab so I did have that over my head. I did 8 days inpatient and 2 months IOP. That gave me some time. I was told to give it a year and if you still wanted to have a drink then do it. My husband refused to let me go to AA. He is an active abusive drinker. So I read everything I could and joined this site after 2 months. So far it has been doable. My hardest part was trying to get through Christmas but I told myself I just had to get through one Christmas and maybe next year I can have a glass of wine. It takes awhile and I listen to everyone. Here is the thing- What is drinking moderately (1 or 2 drinks) going to do for you? It would either make me want more or make me tired. I don't think I would even enjoy one drink now after 13 months. I think it takes 90 days to get out of your system. I loved drinking. It made me happy. The only harm I was doing was killing my insides (my tolerance was through the roof) and occasionally embarressing my family. My adult children saw me drunk. Hopefully my grandchildren will never see it. Blackouts started coming. Looking back now I can see the progression of the disease. Good luck and keep reading and posting. I don't know what I would have done since I don't attend AA without this site.
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Old 08-28-2009, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by effortjoy View Post
I am in the middle of seeing what it is like to be sober for 30 days. It's my third week, and it's been okay. I know I will make it to my thirty day mark. But I'm not sure what to do after that. Because here is what is becoming clearer to me every day: I hate not drinking. I hate coping with life "normally" without ever having an escape. And the truth is that I realized that despite all that I do for my family and for my work, my deepest yearning is simply to get away from myself. I don't trust myself because I think that I am selfish and manipulative; almost as immature as my own children even though I will go to great lengths to cover it up. And here is the scariest part for me as I contemplate drinking again: I don't think that I can change because I can't stand being so uncomfortable and "real" all the time. I can do it all day, but I want my escape at night. How did any of you do this for longer than a month?
For me, I wasn't able to quit for longer than a month, until I made a committment to quit for longer than a month. That sounds facetious but I promise that's not my intent. Once I was done playing the games with myself that I'll take a 'break', quit for a month, 6 months, a year.. and got rid of the option for me to EVER drink again, it forced me to find other ways to live my life. Thank goodness.

Not everyone quits drinking. Some people drink well past losing relationships with loved ones (husband.. children..) damaging health. A lot of people ARE selfish and manipulative, drunks or not. A lot of people drink until they die. That's a choice. Fortunately I made other choices with my life, and maybe one day you will too.

Absitnence form alcohol has very very little to do with recovery... recovery has a lot to do with long term sobriety.
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Old 08-28-2009, 10:17 AM
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The limitations and weaknesses of abstinence typically do not show up until sometime later-on in the recovery process, when the now sober mind starts to realize that only a few things get better while most “life challenges” go on. They begin to recognize that most of the slogans they heard were simply not true or were gross exaggerations. One such slogan is; “just don’t drink, go to meetings and life will get better”. Your parole officer might think your life is better but he is looking at the situation from the perspective of a baby-sitter who is responsible for cleaning up your mess. The reality is that if you can’t sleep at night because of worries and fears, your life may in fact get worse and the 4 horseman of the Apocalypse may even move in with you. Peace of mind is a precious commodity to the soul living a sober life. Drugs and alcohol may have been a “rock” comfort-wise, but life without them may prove to be the “hard place” for the person who was caught in the middle and must now choose one side or the other. Now where does he or she find refuge?
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Oatmeal View Post
When I drank, I drank to get away from "me". I've learned the "me" I drank to get away from was the "drunk me".....I was a miserable drunk. After several months of sobriety now, I've come to see "me" as a "sober me".......
Very well said, OM! It seemed for some time that my personality had split in two - a Jekyll and Hyde comparison is cliched, but cliches exist for a reason...

One example of this is that I remember several occasions where I would be completely trashed, and suddenly a seemingly important thought would pop into my head - something I wanted to do the next day, a phone call I wanted to make, etc. I knew that there was no way that I would remember the thought the next day (since I was usually on the verge of passing out by this time), so I would quickly write little reminder notes to myself on whatever I could find lying around.

The notes would usually consist of content like, "Sober me - don't forget to buy sandwich meat tomorrow for the kids' lunches," and I would hastily scrawl these thoughts down as quickly as I could so that I wouldn't forget them. Often times, I'd be unable to find paper and would write them (in black Sharpie, no less) on my arm or the back of my hand. The following morning, I, as "Sober me", would wake up and shake my head in disgust when I would find and read these notes that had been scattered around the house, often written illegibly with such "urgent" messages as, "Let's keep this system free!" (whatever that means) and other such nonsense. I would actually become angry at "Drunk Me" as if he were another person entirely. In short, I didn't/don't like "Drunk Me".

I do now, however, love "Sober me". "Drunk Me" was always a crazy idiot that "Sober Me" likely wouldn't even be friends with or even admit to knowing.

In short, I like the fact that after almost two weeks sober, I have begun to reconnect to the person I was before my decent into this madness.

To "Drunk Me", I'm saying,

I'll do without you very well. It's time to live my life.

--Signed, "Sober Me".
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Old 08-28-2009, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by effortjoy View Post
...Because here is what is becoming clearer to me every day: I hate not drinking. I hate coping with life "normally" without ever having an escape. And the truth is that I realized that despite all that I do for my family and for my work, my deepest yearning is simply to get away from myself...
Congratulations. You are now beginning to see why Recovery involves so much more than not drinking/using. Now that you have the substance out of your body you need to move on to getting it out of your mind. What you need now is new coping skills that allow you to feel "comfortable in your own skin".

A daily program of action will allow you to escape from the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" without the need of a substance.
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Old 08-28-2009, 12:51 PM
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One main reason that I didn't want to stop drinking was because I did NOT like myself and when I drank I escaped ME, and I was a blackout drunk so I didn't totally realize that I hated me even more drunk. The last night I drank I wanted so much to escape me that I nearly killed myself and wound up in the hospital with a hole in my liver. I did not like living life sober because I did NOT like ME. Over the course of 12-18 months I learned to forgive myself and others who had harmed me and I learned to love ME. I have no desire to drink alcohol anymore because I do not want to miss 1 more second of this beautiful gift of life that God has given us.
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