Am I right? I'd like some other perspectives.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1
Am I right? I'd like some other perspectives. My sister is an alcoholic and also smokes and takes pills and compulsively buys lottery tickets if she happens to have a few extra dollars.
She doesn't work and gets only enough in welfare to cover her habits and groceries.
She can't pay her rent or utilities.
She has a ten-year-old daughter who lives with her and an eighteen-year-old
daughter who lives elsewhere.
She had a six-year-old son who died three years ago and she says that is the reason she needs to drink etc. and why she is too depressed to work. But she has been drinking since long before she even had children.
She's waiting and hoping to be accepted for disability social security, but has already been turned down twice. It will probably be years before she can get it.
Two years ago my husband and I helped my mother buy a house, and my other sister and her family are benefitting from it because they live there too, and share the expenses. Now my alcoholic sister wonders why we won't also
help her. But we only did this for our mothers (we helped his mother buy a
house too). We figure we owe this only to them for raising us. We don't have
children, and so we need to think about providing for our own old age. We
could afford to pay her bills now, but then who would help us later if we were
short of money ourselves? Probably no one.
My other sister has also had addiction problems, but is now doing well in her
recovery. She got into a treatment program that includes methadone, regular
drug tests, and twice-weekly meetings. She has tried to get our other sister
to consider this, but she doesn't want to hear about it. Our mom and I have
helped her with rent and utilities once in awhile. She could live in the house with Mom and the others, but she doesn't want to leave her neighborhood that she feels comfortable in. Plus she is often mean and abusive when she drinks and it would cause a lot of trouble.
Her landlady has been kind and tolerant of her for a long time. But now she
has finally been evicted and is desperate for money to get a new place.
I haven't been answering her calls lately. I'm just tired of it, because she
tries to make me feel guilty, and I don't have any reason to be. I've always made decisions about things with the thought of staying out of any kind of trouble, and she's always been more impulsive and does what she wants at that moment. When we were young, she would never tolerate my concern that she might be heading for a difficult life by the choices she was making, and in fact ridiculed me as if I didn't know what I was talking about. Now it has resulted in this, and she wants me to bail her out of it. She seems to feel that she is entitled because of her tragedy.
She was a very pretty, intelligent, and likable young woman, and because of that, had several prestigious jobs. She's had many, many chances to make a good life for herself, and thrown them all away. She's been married three times, and her current husband is not much help. He comes and goes and has the same sort of habits. Our mom went broke long ago getting her out of various kinds of trouble.
I go over and over in my mind what I should do, if anything.
I've seen what it does to someone who an alcoholic becomes dependent on. So I will not put myself in that situation. After her boy passed away, I wore
myself out helping her, mostly just listening to her ramble on the phone for
hours late at night. This was really stressful for me, but I was heartbroken too, and felt so much compassion for her, and I knew that's what she needed. Then I spent a lot of time researching things on the Internet for her, and helping her fill out various forms. We also helped her with bills pretty regularly. It started to seem that the more I helped, the more help she needed. Finally, I had sort of a 'physical breakdown'. I got to the point where it was too much effort for me to even sit up straight. I just had to rest for a week or two, and finally got my energy back, but it really scared me. Nothing like that has happened before. At my worst point, she called and asked me if I would call a distant cousin of ours to see if she would give her some money. That's when I finally said 'No'. I told her what was happening with me, but she didn't seem to care. Her response was 'Well, now you know what I feel like every day, except that I don't have financial security!' Then she started cursing and began to cry and hung up the phone. Manipulation? That was over a year ago, and she didn't call anymore for awhile. I have only talked to her a few times since. I feel like she is trying to pull the life energy out of me whenever I do.
I believe if our positions were reversed she would have written me out of her
life long ago. My news about her now mostly comes from our mom. Mom and our other sister can't help her much. We have always been close and her state makes me so sad (and mad) because we just can't have a casual conversation now (she always needs something from me). I just don't want to get involved anymore in her problems. And ongoing financial help would only make me resent her and feel worse. Do you think this is right? What do you think I should do? What is the best way to think about this? I guess I just want understanding and justification in my own mind. Would anything else make any difference here? Can someone stop drinking after thirty years?
She doesn't work and gets only enough in welfare to cover her habits and groceries.
She can't pay her rent or utilities.
She has a ten-year-old daughter who lives with her and an eighteen-year-old
daughter who lives elsewhere.
She had a six-year-old son who died three years ago and she says that is the reason she needs to drink etc. and why she is too depressed to work. But she has been drinking since long before she even had children.
She's waiting and hoping to be accepted for disability social security, but has already been turned down twice. It will probably be years before she can get it.
Two years ago my husband and I helped my mother buy a house, and my other sister and her family are benefitting from it because they live there too, and share the expenses. Now my alcoholic sister wonders why we won't also
help her. But we only did this for our mothers (we helped his mother buy a
house too). We figure we owe this only to them for raising us. We don't have
children, and so we need to think about providing for our own old age. We
could afford to pay her bills now, but then who would help us later if we were
short of money ourselves? Probably no one.
My other sister has also had addiction problems, but is now doing well in her
recovery. She got into a treatment program that includes methadone, regular
drug tests, and twice-weekly meetings. She has tried to get our other sister
to consider this, but she doesn't want to hear about it. Our mom and I have
helped her with rent and utilities once in awhile. She could live in the house with Mom and the others, but she doesn't want to leave her neighborhood that she feels comfortable in. Plus she is often mean and abusive when she drinks and it would cause a lot of trouble.
Her landlady has been kind and tolerant of her for a long time. But now she
has finally been evicted and is desperate for money to get a new place.
I haven't been answering her calls lately. I'm just tired of it, because she
tries to make me feel guilty, and I don't have any reason to be. I've always made decisions about things with the thought of staying out of any kind of trouble, and she's always been more impulsive and does what she wants at that moment. When we were young, she would never tolerate my concern that she might be heading for a difficult life by the choices she was making, and in fact ridiculed me as if I didn't know what I was talking about. Now it has resulted in this, and she wants me to bail her out of it. She seems to feel that she is entitled because of her tragedy.
She was a very pretty, intelligent, and likable young woman, and because of that, had several prestigious jobs. She's had many, many chances to make a good life for herself, and thrown them all away. She's been married three times, and her current husband is not much help. He comes and goes and has the same sort of habits. Our mom went broke long ago getting her out of various kinds of trouble.
I go over and over in my mind what I should do, if anything.
I've seen what it does to someone who an alcoholic becomes dependent on. So I will not put myself in that situation. After her boy passed away, I wore
myself out helping her, mostly just listening to her ramble on the phone for
hours late at night. This was really stressful for me, but I was heartbroken too, and felt so much compassion for her, and I knew that's what she needed. Then I spent a lot of time researching things on the Internet for her, and helping her fill out various forms. We also helped her with bills pretty regularly. It started to seem that the more I helped, the more help she needed. Finally, I had sort of a 'physical breakdown'. I got to the point where it was too much effort for me to even sit up straight. I just had to rest for a week or two, and finally got my energy back, but it really scared me. Nothing like that has happened before. At my worst point, she called and asked me if I would call a distant cousin of ours to see if she would give her some money. That's when I finally said 'No'. I told her what was happening with me, but she didn't seem to care. Her response was 'Well, now you know what I feel like every day, except that I don't have financial security!' Then she started cursing and began to cry and hung up the phone. Manipulation? That was over a year ago, and she didn't call anymore for awhile. I have only talked to her a few times since. I feel like she is trying to pull the life energy out of me whenever I do.
I believe if our positions were reversed she would have written me out of her
life long ago. My news about her now mostly comes from our mom. Mom and our other sister can't help her much. We have always been close and her state makes me so sad (and mad) because we just can't have a casual conversation now (she always needs something from me). I just don't want to get involved anymore in her problems. And ongoing financial help would only make me resent her and feel worse. Do you think this is right? What do you think I should do? What is the best way to think about this? I guess I just want understanding and justification in my own mind. Would anything else make any difference here? Can someone stop drinking after thirty years?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family violets!
To your last question: Yes! After 30 years she can find recovery and sobriety (they are seperate issues). But you, your mom, your other sister, her children or her husband can't get her to find recovery and sobriety. She has to find it for herself!
Have you ever attended Alanon meetings? They are based on the 12 step principles of AA, but they are for the friends and family members of alcoholics. I think you will find them helpful.
I learned the 3 c's of addiction at Alanon meetings:
You didn't cause the addiction
You can't control the addiction
You can't cure the addiction
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to protect yourself from getting sucked into her drama. That's great.
Stick around, make yourself at home and read and post as often as you need!
To your last question: Yes! After 30 years she can find recovery and sobriety (they are seperate issues). But you, your mom, your other sister, her children or her husband can't get her to find recovery and sobriety. She has to find it for herself!
Have you ever attended Alanon meetings? They are based on the 12 step principles of AA, but they are for the friends and family members of alcoholics. I think you will find them helpful.
I learned the 3 c's of addiction at Alanon meetings:
You didn't cause the addiction
You can't control the addiction
You can't cure the addiction
It sounds like you are doing all the right things to protect yourself from getting sucked into her drama. That's great.
Stick around, make yourself at home and read and post as often as you need!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, Violets.
Your sister is behaving in all the classic addict ways: blaming you for her situation, expecting you to bail her out of all her messes, manipulating you by trying to get you to feel sorry for her, punishing you with the silent treatment, pouting, whining, accusing, and REFUSING TO CHANGE.
As you point out, she apparently was an addict before her child died. Her addiction has progressed since he died. Addiction gets worse over time as does the addict's behavior. And sad to say, she seems to be using his death as a hook to try to get people to feel sorry for her and enable her to go on staying drugged out of her mind.
Her daughter is in a terrible home, and the only reason ever to step in at any time would be if you thought the child should be removed by Children's Protective Services if she was suffering apparent abuse and neglect.
I think you are doing all the right things. Keeping your distance from someone who wants only to use you so she does not have to grow up, be a responsible parent and adult, and do the work of cleaning up the wreckage of her life. Nothing you say is going to sink in with her, so your distance is probably best.
If you read the "stickies" up at the top of the page, you will learn about enabling and you will feel strengthened by knowing that any help you give her ultimately hurts her.
Her consequences will be of her own making and nothing you do or say can control what those will be.
Bluejay
Your sister is behaving in all the classic addict ways: blaming you for her situation, expecting you to bail her out of all her messes, manipulating you by trying to get you to feel sorry for her, punishing you with the silent treatment, pouting, whining, accusing, and REFUSING TO CHANGE.
As you point out, she apparently was an addict before her child died. Her addiction has progressed since he died. Addiction gets worse over time as does the addict's behavior. And sad to say, she seems to be using his death as a hook to try to get people to feel sorry for her and enable her to go on staying drugged out of her mind.
Her daughter is in a terrible home, and the only reason ever to step in at any time would be if you thought the child should be removed by Children's Protective Services if she was suffering apparent abuse and neglect.
I think you are doing all the right things. Keeping your distance from someone who wants only to use you so she does not have to grow up, be a responsible parent and adult, and do the work of cleaning up the wreckage of her life. Nothing you say is going to sink in with her, so your distance is probably best.
If you read the "stickies" up at the top of the page, you will learn about enabling and you will feel strengthened by knowing that any help you give her ultimately hurts her.
Her consequences will be of her own making and nothing you do or say can control what those will be.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
There's a great post on here-maybe it's a stickie? About "if you love me, let me fall." Would be good reading for you and everyone in your family who provides any monetary or other help to your sister-you'll realize you're actually not helping her at all. Instead you're enabling her to keep drinking.
It's pretty much accepted on this forum that until the consequences of drinking become worse than the consequences of not drinking, the person won't find a bottom and seek help.
It's pretty much accepted on this forum that until the consequences of drinking become worse than the consequences of not drinking, the person won't find a bottom and seek help.
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