Letting go and setting boundaries
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Letting go and setting boundaries
I have made some amazing and courageous steps in the last three days - yes Gifted Love, GingerM and DesertLove, this is me feeling and believing that I am amazing and courageous. I can feel it and it feels true.
I have taken step by tiny step, I have been physically sick with fear but I have kept strong and kept moving forward.
I know what I want, I want to extricate myself from my unhealthy alcoholic family. I do not want to be a co-dependent and I want to define who I am, I am 44, half way through my life and I don't know who I am.
So what's been happening...
I started by phoning co-dependent mother and telling her that this year she would not be coming to our house for Christmas Day. She has come to my house for Christmas for the last 20 years (expected to come and I have grudgingly agreed) and I have said NO for the very first time.
Next I told her that I would no longer be sending Christmas or Birthday presents. The next time that I sent her a gift would be when I wanted to. I explained that I no longer wanted any gifts from her because they always have strings attached eg she could not have gone on holiday if I had not looked after her cat; I have to come to her house to collect my birthday present; ya de ya da
On the phone she was understanding and 100% in agreement (red flag, red flag, warning, warning!!!)
I then repeated the phone call with my brother. I had to keep pushing and pushing to get my boundaries set. He kept pushing and pushing back to try to dump all his anger, rage and bitterness about our childhood on my shoulders. In the past, I have always let him, I have always been available at the drop of a hat to bolster him emotionally. I have never said no and I have always given him as long as he needed. In this phone call I gave him an hour, I stuck to it, it went him talking 55 mins, me 5 mins but I set boundaries mostly in the last three minutes of the phone call.
The phone call ended with my brother saying you call me if you need any support when dealing with mother and I'll do the same. Ehh NO!!!! (red flag, red flag, warning, warning!!!)
Phew, done it, time to rest, recoup and gather my strength for the upcoming escalation. Surprisingly I got a good night's sleep, by God I needed it.
The next morning brought the phone call from codie Mother. I need you to come to see me tomorrow afternoon, I think there is something you need to say to me. WTF, how dare you try to fix me, I'm not broken. I stayed calm and said I am not ready to talk about this, I'm going to put the phone down, the phone went down. (I have accepted there is nothing more to be said, nothing that hasn't been said 100s of times before. There is no point trying to reason with the unreasonable and no point trying to change her, she will never change now, even if she did I am no longer interested)
Out come the big guns - codie mother spent the rest of the day hounding my brother at work. There is something wrong with your sister, we need to talk and get this sorted. I'm ill, I can't take this anymore, I think I'm having a heart attack - you all understand, a lot of you will have been there. This ended up with a massive telephone argument between my mother and my brother.
How do I know this, surprise, surprise, let's escalate the game, my brother phones me in the evening to tell me. Time to hammer in some more boundaries - I tell my brother that when he phones me I am no longer willing to discuss my mother, end of, period. He does not respect my boundary and I cave in and let him talk. Then he tells me that I and my two children should get together with him and his three children next week. Again, I agree, I cave in.
Okay, time to rest, recuperate, see what I have learnt and decide what my next move is. Surprisingly, yet another good night's sleep follows. I realise that I can say no and state what I want to my mother and brother (that's a first) but my brother has chosen to override my wants with his needs. Time to remove myself as much as I can from the game. I still don't know where I found the strength to do this. I have changed my phone number to an ex-directory number. I have written to my mother and brother and asked them not to contact me, my husband or my children in person, by phone, email, letter or in any other way. I have said that I will contact them when I am ready to re-establish contact. I have asked them to respect my wishes.
I have low expectations that they will comply - I am preparing for the end-game. If they do not respect my wishes I am willing to involve the law and file against them for harassment. I am fighting for my sanity, my health and my happiness.
I do not feel vengeful or vindictive. I feel immense sadness that it has come to this, relief over the steps I have taken and calm and resolute that I am taking the correct course of action. The cycle of abuse ends here.
My next steps are to carry on healing me, to learn to love me, to define who I am and to look after me, my children and my husband, in that order.
No advice please but thank you for reading, IWTH xxx
I have taken step by tiny step, I have been physically sick with fear but I have kept strong and kept moving forward.
I know what I want, I want to extricate myself from my unhealthy alcoholic family. I do not want to be a co-dependent and I want to define who I am, I am 44, half way through my life and I don't know who I am.
So what's been happening...
I started by phoning co-dependent mother and telling her that this year she would not be coming to our house for Christmas Day. She has come to my house for Christmas for the last 20 years (expected to come and I have grudgingly agreed) and I have said NO for the very first time.
Next I told her that I would no longer be sending Christmas or Birthday presents. The next time that I sent her a gift would be when I wanted to. I explained that I no longer wanted any gifts from her because they always have strings attached eg she could not have gone on holiday if I had not looked after her cat; I have to come to her house to collect my birthday present; ya de ya da
On the phone she was understanding and 100% in agreement (red flag, red flag, warning, warning!!!)
I then repeated the phone call with my brother. I had to keep pushing and pushing to get my boundaries set. He kept pushing and pushing back to try to dump all his anger, rage and bitterness about our childhood on my shoulders. In the past, I have always let him, I have always been available at the drop of a hat to bolster him emotionally. I have never said no and I have always given him as long as he needed. In this phone call I gave him an hour, I stuck to it, it went him talking 55 mins, me 5 mins but I set boundaries mostly in the last three minutes of the phone call.
The phone call ended with my brother saying you call me if you need any support when dealing with mother and I'll do the same. Ehh NO!!!! (red flag, red flag, warning, warning!!!)
Phew, done it, time to rest, recoup and gather my strength for the upcoming escalation. Surprisingly I got a good night's sleep, by God I needed it.
The next morning brought the phone call from codie Mother. I need you to come to see me tomorrow afternoon, I think there is something you need to say to me. WTF, how dare you try to fix me, I'm not broken. I stayed calm and said I am not ready to talk about this, I'm going to put the phone down, the phone went down. (I have accepted there is nothing more to be said, nothing that hasn't been said 100s of times before. There is no point trying to reason with the unreasonable and no point trying to change her, she will never change now, even if she did I am no longer interested)
Out come the big guns - codie mother spent the rest of the day hounding my brother at work. There is something wrong with your sister, we need to talk and get this sorted. I'm ill, I can't take this anymore, I think I'm having a heart attack - you all understand, a lot of you will have been there. This ended up with a massive telephone argument between my mother and my brother.
How do I know this, surprise, surprise, let's escalate the game, my brother phones me in the evening to tell me. Time to hammer in some more boundaries - I tell my brother that when he phones me I am no longer willing to discuss my mother, end of, period. He does not respect my boundary and I cave in and let him talk. Then he tells me that I and my two children should get together with him and his three children next week. Again, I agree, I cave in.
Okay, time to rest, recuperate, see what I have learnt and decide what my next move is. Surprisingly, yet another good night's sleep follows. I realise that I can say no and state what I want to my mother and brother (that's a first) but my brother has chosen to override my wants with his needs. Time to remove myself as much as I can from the game. I still don't know where I found the strength to do this. I have changed my phone number to an ex-directory number. I have written to my mother and brother and asked them not to contact me, my husband or my children in person, by phone, email, letter or in any other way. I have said that I will contact them when I am ready to re-establish contact. I have asked them to respect my wishes.
I have low expectations that they will comply - I am preparing for the end-game. If they do not respect my wishes I am willing to involve the law and file against them for harassment. I am fighting for my sanity, my health and my happiness.
I do not feel vengeful or vindictive. I feel immense sadness that it has come to this, relief over the steps I have taken and calm and resolute that I am taking the correct course of action. The cycle of abuse ends here.
My next steps are to carry on healing me, to learn to love me, to define who I am and to look after me, my children and my husband, in that order.
No advice please but thank you for reading, IWTH xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Good for you
I won't give advice, just tell you that I know how you feel and I know how very hard it is to do this! As you know I recently had to say "no" to my mom and like I told you, it was like stepping off a cliff!
So yes, you are flapping your wings right there beside me. Sounds like you were aware of the consequences and handled them well when they came. Cheers to you for putting yourself first and making sure you are the priority.
I'm here if you need me.
On my front, things sort of quiet. Mom is still being weird but I think I've convinced her that I'm not cutting her out of my life. Not yet, anyway. I'm not really running after her, however, either. Holding pattern.
Hugs to you
:ghug3
So yes, you are flapping your wings right there beside me. Sounds like you were aware of the consequences and handled them well when they came. Cheers to you for putting yourself first and making sure you are the priority.
I'm here if you need me.
On my front, things sort of quiet. Mom is still being weird but I think I've convinced her that I'm not cutting her out of my life. Not yet, anyway. I'm not really running after her, however, either. Holding pattern.
Hugs to you
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
No advice, but a lot of support and respect for how well you are working your recovery. I particularly like
I'm not very good at that, so I appreciate the reminder that I need to do more in my own life.
Now _that_ is awesome. Took me years to get to that point in my own life. Good for you.
Mike
Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal 
... Okay, time to rest, recuperate, see what I have learnt and ...
Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal
... I do not feel vengeful or vindictive. I feel immense sadness that it has come to this, relief over the steps I have taken and calm and resolute that I am taking the correct course of action. The cycle of abuse ends here....
Mike
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I do not feel vengeful or vindictive. I feel immense sadness that it has come to this, relief over the steps I have taken and calm and resolute that I am taking the correct course of action. The cycle of abuse ends here.
This stuck out at me too, my friend, for the same reasons. It took me quite a long time to feel that "rightness" in my actions. Since the time when it did come, though, it has rarely left me. Once you hear that particular resonant chord for the first time, it is hard to get out of your spirit -- congratulations!
Rest, tenderness for the self, quiet, and laughter are the antidotes to having to handle this kind of poison. I am glad you're using these tools and doing well. Beaming pride and admiration at you from out here!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: canada
Posts: 63
I sometimes wish I could cut off my AF like that,
but I still live at home and need to finish high school.
I realized how much better is was when my dad left to visit his brother and am trilled to learn he's (planning on) enrolling to become a trucker
therefore: he'll be away from home more
then again, soon as I expressed my gratitude to mom, I immediately burnt my mouth on a drink and took that as a celestial warning against that line of thinking.
I guess I should work out my problems and not try to cut off my family
but damn! that'd be great: cutting off from my family
... then again, I need a source of healthy emotional support
but I still live at home and need to finish high school.
I realized how much better is was when my dad left to visit his brother and am trilled to learn he's (planning on) enrolling to become a trucker
therefore: he'll be away from home more
then again, soon as I expressed my gratitude to mom, I immediately burnt my mouth on a drink and took that as a celestial warning against that line of thinking.
I guess I should work out my problems and not try to cut off my family
but damn! that'd be great: cutting off from my family
... then again, I need a source of healthy emotional support
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