rochadad

Is it normal to seek approval from others I hurt after quitting drinking? I have 22 days now but I'm having a hard time feeling good becuase I don't feel that others believe me. I know I only need to prove it to myself, but I can't seem to stop obsessing about what others think. Is this a form of codendency? I'm unsure of what I could do stop this obsession.

yeahgr8

I totally know where you are coming from in previous attempts to stop drinking, this time is a bit different for me...sure you will get some more information here though:-)

smacked

compared to how long you might have been drinking, 22 days is just a drop in the proverbial bucket. The way I get through this stuff is helped by seeing a counselor, and living in a way that assures people that nothing I did in the past (getting drunk and acting like a jackass) will ever happen again. Takes a very short time to lose faith and trust, and a long time to rebuild it.

Tazman53

rochadad most folks who are not alcoholics do not understand that for some of us even one day is an accomplishment. I found not only approval and encouragement, but also experience, strength, & hope for my sobriety in the rooms of AA.

The folks in AA and the program of AA saved my life. Rooms full of alcoholics who know how to stay sober, but not only how to stay sober, but to live life on lifes terms one day at a time.

A none alcoholic has no idea what it is like to NEED another drink, they have no idea what it is like to have one drink and before one is even finished with that one to be thinking about the next one. They have no idea what it is like being at work and spending the last couple of hours at work just thinking about having that first drink. They do not understand what it is like to reach the point of having to drink even when you do not want to drink. The folks in AA do, the folks in AA had a solution that they freely shared with me for thier alcoholism and it worked for me and millions of others.

Anna

When I first stopped drinking, I desperatedly wanted my family to understand what had happened to me and to forgive me. They didn't want that. They wanted me to get better, but had no interest in talking about my issues. It was very hard, but I had recognize that this was my journey and it was up to me to move forward and to begin to forgive myself.

shaun00

taz raised something worth remembering...

temperate drinkers dont understand why alcholics drink like they do.

alcoholics dont understand why temperate drinkers drink like they do...

try spending more time with alcoholics in recovery...AA or sr or other programs of recovery...

the benefits of one alcoholic talking to another..is beyond measure imo

in fact i believe it to be vital.

McGowdog

If you want my experience on this, it's free of charge. Go to the 12 Step support forum or just go to each of the steps 1 through 12 ^ above on the left side there and you'll see at least one of my threads in all 12 of those steps.

You'll see a way to not only get rid of the guilt, but to get rid of the behaviors that will lead you to the next drink and maybe even clean up some nasty behaviors that you have stone-cold sober.

We in A.A. do not believe that alcohol is the problem.

We also believe that our troubles are of our own making and that's where hope starts.

Like I said, feel free to agree or disagree accordingly.

jamdls

When I stopped drinking the one person whose approval I wanted was my daughters' and it didn't come easy. I had apparently said many times that I wasn't going to drink anymore (funny I don't remember that) so it took her over a year before I got her trust and approval and she wasn't even the one to tell me, both her husband and her step-daughter told me on separate occassions how proud she was of me. So be patient, work on yourself others will follow.

joedris

Don't feel too badly because others may not believe you're quitting drinking. Can you really blame them? As Taz and McDog have already said, give AA a try. It took a long time for you to lose your credibility and it'll take you a while to regain it. Happens to all of us. You've shown you're capable of physical sobriety by not drinking. AA will teach you how to stay that way. People will start believing in you because you show them, not because you tell them.

penny74

In the first place you stop drinking for YOURSELF.
So you will recover.
As you said "l know l only have to prove it to myself."
These things take time..
Be patient and good luck.

How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. ~Zall's Second Law

Firehazard

That's natural and I made that mistake as well once. Keep it to yourself

though as much as possible. Many people are stronger in their disease than we

are in our recovery. This is especially true of friends and loved ones. They can

bring us down quick. Keep it secret, Keep it Safe.

Wolfchild

It wasn't so much that i wanted others approval throughout my life as it was an effort to escape the shame & guilt i felt. i desperatly looked to people, places, and things to 'fix' me and change the way i felt about myself. When reality resurfaced and i realized they could not or would not do what i wanted, i blamed those people, places, and things for my problems. i got to a point where i blamed myself for not being able to live the kind of life that others seemed to have no problem living & enjoying. i had the belief that i was worthless, hopeless, and destitute. My sense of personal responsibility became warped the more i looked outside of myself for that instant gratification of "pain relief". It wasn't until the drugs and alcohol stopped working before i became willing enough to do something different. Someone said that i had to stop using before i could stop causing myself so much agony. This appealed to my intellectual understanding of 'cause and effect'! As i continued to stay clean & sober, the pain began to subside. When i began a proces of recovery thru the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, i found the emotional, mental, and spiritual relief of all those things that i had kept bottled up for so long. Honesty, Open mindedness, & Willingness has helped me in ways that i could not help myself. Asking for help with "What do i do now?" allowed others to become part of my life which removed the destructive attitudes of self obsession. As i continue to surrender my will and my life to the God of my understanding each day, i can keep moving forward in this process of living clean and sober. The blessings of life are limitless, but one that always takes my breath away is the overwhelming gratitude in my heart that God has provided a simple & spiritual program of recovery for me.

i wonder if you have a sponsor, are attending meetings, and being of service...
It seems that you are finding out that abstinence alone is half of the solution.
i hope that you find a way of living that enables you to freely live & enjoy life.

rochadad

Thanks. Yes, I started with a sponsor and I am attending meetings. I spoke about my situation at a meeting, and was given some good perspective. Mainly I was told that I didn't become alcoholic overnight, so recovery takes time as well. Staying in the now and focusing on only the things I can control is what I'm working on. Working the steps is controllable! Thanks for the suggestions and sharing your experience.

Horselover

I haven't read all the posts in this thread so if I repeat something that has been said maybe it will just mean it must be true then. LOL! I did just read your post above this one and I believe it is all about control and believe me I know about control. It is just one of my many weaknesses. I have always tried to control people sub consciously and sometimes consciously as well. I have worked my son and my husband over many times through this area.

I have finally learned that I can't control what people's reactions are or what they think, but I can control my reaction to life and my thoughts and feelings. We do have power in the areas of self. Good question by the way.

stephnc

...thanks for the topic, it's a great one and has been a sore spot for me lately. I'll echo what others have already said about AA - you're going to find support there that you just can't find anywhere else (or at least most anywhere else.) Non-alcoholics just generally can't relate to our situation, and I think you also need to remember that those family members and friends whose approval you'd like are probably not the most objective to begin with...it sucks, but from what I can tell most people with some time in recovery come to a sense of peace about their relationships/past/failures/whatever eventually. Hope that helps.