killingmesmalls

I am still new to recovery little over 2 weeks now, and I have just not been able to stop thinking about all the awful stuff I have done over the years as a drunk. I'm not trying to live in the past, but I get a lot of flashes lately - I don't know what to do about it. I think about my relationship with my parents in particular - they are the ones that had to endure my addictions the longest, and how really distant we are. I think I hurt them enough that they finally had to put up boundaries and cut off most of their feelings in order to deal with me. Neither of them know that I am in recovery - and I don't intend to tell them until I have had at least 90 days.
They are good parents - don't get me wrong, but it seems like the emotional ties were cut long, long ago. Now that I am not drinking, it really really bothers me. It actually really bothered me when I was drinking too - but I would just drink until I forgot about it or wind up crying about it. I feel like I quit growing in a way, especially emotionally, when I started drinking as a teenager. I just don't know if sobriety is going to help me in that. I feel like an awful person that doesn't deserve anything from anyone. In a lot of ways it was so much easier to hide in a bottle away from this.
I am looking in the mirror and don't like what I see, and wondering how much of it is really changeable. What if I am just an a**hole? I'd like to think that I'm not, but am also in some ways afraid to find out that it wasn't just the drinking. Like I am giving up a scapegoat - if that makes any sense. I need help!

bugsworth

Early sobriety is very hard...these emotions are natural and is part of the journey to becoming healthy. Try not to focus so much attention on the past but rather the mending that you can do today and in the future. People who love you always will....time does indeed heal wounds. Stay focused on the task at hand things have a way of falling into place.

Dee74

It really important for me to realise yesterday is gone...I can't do a thing about anything that happened then. Focusing my energy on that is a lot like the energy I used to focus on attaining oblivion through drink and drugs...pointless, futile and utterly consuming.

I want to make amends tho, sure - I did some terrible things and thoughtless things and some of them are not specific enough that I can apologise to anyone in particular.

For me, actions really speak louder than words - living the way I see as right is the main thing - hopefully I do some good along the way as well....and make some kind of karmic amends into the bargain, maybe

It'd be nice if those I've hurt with my past behaviour pick up on the changes in me and I do end up making more amends that way - that has happened to me with a lot of people.

A few it hasn't...it's a cost I bear...and a reminder of what I'm in recovery for.

I just have to figure I'm doing my best now....and thats what counts

D

Anna

Yes, early sobriety is really hard.

All the things that I had been avoiding thinking about and dealing with just hit me and it would come in waves, over and over again. The upside of that was that I stayed focused on the day because I felt overwhelmed thinking beyond that, and I knew I would never go back to drinking again.

killingmesmalls

Thank you Bug, Dee and Anna. I am crying reading your posts - just some days it feels like the damn has broken open and it is hard to plug it up again. I guess it is good to hear this is normal - I just didn't realize that it would be like this. Like I have lost all composure and sense of myself - I don't know how to deal. At least that is what this moment is about, tomorrow will be better I hope.

bugsworth

Keep your eyes focused on the truth....consuming alcohol was destroying you. You will get past this and you are not alone. You are stronger than you think.

yeahgr8

AA works for me, the steps are designed to help you! Same situation with my parents, looking back they did nothing wrong...won't it be nice for them to see the new sober you and me in the future:-)

As i said AA, up to you, i lasted 5 months not drinking by myself and didn't solve a thing...this time round i have had an email from my mum and my brother, it's amazing how they can pick up that you are different in such a short space of time.

You can finally leave the past in the past and start again with a fresh sheet, it's up to you though.

ElegantlyWasted

Welcome Killing. I have 28 days myself... All I can say is don't rush things. Setting up the 90 days thing may be a good thing, but don't let a deadline stress you out to the point you feel compelled to get a fix. Just stay sober and figure out a way to get at the junk you were self medicating for. "I feel like I quit growing in a way, especially emotionally, when I started drinking as a teenager". I know I did. Now 37 yo and know I have work to do to catch up with and relate to normal "sane" people around my age. Best of luck!!! It does get better. Mayby try focusing on the positive thing that not drinking will do for you.

mikel60

Hi killingmesmalls,

You're two weeks into what will eventually be the best thing you've ever done. Try and take it easier on yourself. Things will get better.

As for your parents- I didn't tell mine at first but it was obvious to them even though we had no real relationship at the time.

Bugsworth, Dee, Anna,yeahgr8, and EW are right. Time can heal lots of stuff. Take care of yourself, keep doing the right thing, and eventually you'll be at the point where you can see that all will be well.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Mike

Reese321

You need to remake yourself-- evolve a little bit. That can only really happen by exposing yourself to the world and finding out what kind of person you are when sober. I'm sure it's been too long for you to remember before all this began. But that was the past anyway, it is dead. Reinvent and go find out who you are. Try to enjoy the process. Interpret this as you may, because it will mean different things to different people.

Congrats on two weeks! Good luck!