Fell again
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Fell again
I was supposed to go to an AA meeting last night. My ex-husband and I got into a huge fight, though, and I was meaner to him than I have ever been to anyone in my life. The guilt of it was eating me up inside, and I had a panic attack in the grocery store. So I ended up buying a 4-pack and getting drunk instead. Horrible.
Why can't I deal with my problems like normal people? I have children to think about, first and foremost. I am now hungover and can't sleep at 2:30 a.m. and feel much more terrible than I did before. I know I'm dealing with a lot (mental illness, wrecked marriage, financial problems, etc.), but I should know better than to deal with it by getting drunk. I didn't even finish my shift last night (I work at home).
All it did was make a bad day worse.
Why can't I deal with my problems like normal people? I have children to think about, first and foremost. I am now hungover and can't sleep at 2:30 a.m. and feel much more terrible than I did before. I know I'm dealing with a lot (mental illness, wrecked marriage, financial problems, etc.), but I should know better than to deal with it by getting drunk. I didn't even finish my shift last night (I work at home).
All it did was make a bad day worse.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Hi again Cath
I think all the things that people told you in the other thread still stand here - maybe even more so. Apologies if I've missed anything - I've only followed your story in this forum.
You need to have your daughter safe and taken care of, and you need to take care of yourself too.
What happening with all the leads the hospital social worker gave you - counseling, day care, health care, etc.?
Have you spoken to anyone in Family Services or whatever the equivalent is there?
Have you looked into rehab?
Meetings can help, but they can only be useful to you if you go to them regularly.
You said so yourself just last week.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, Cath.
I know it's scary but I think you deserve a better life than this - and so do your kids.
D
I think all the things that people told you in the other thread still stand here - maybe even more so. Apologies if I've missed anything - I've only followed your story in this forum.
You need to have your daughter safe and taken care of, and you need to take care of yourself too.
What happening with all the leads the hospital social worker gave you - counseling, day care, health care, etc.?
Have you spoken to anyone in Family Services or whatever the equivalent is there?
Have you looked into rehab?
Meetings can help, but they can only be useful to you if you go to them regularly.
You said so yourself just last week.
Nothing changes if nothing changes, Cath.
I know it's scary but I think you deserve a better life than this - and so do your kids.
D
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
We're still here. We still want to see you get the help you need.
What will you do today to get the help you need for yourself and your daughter?
Do you have a plan for the next time you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT) and want to pick up a drink?
One step at a time, take steps to save yourself. You are worth it!
What will you do today to get the help you need for yourself and your daughter?
Do you have a plan for the next time you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT) and want to pick up a drink?
One step at a time, take steps to save yourself. You are worth it!
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I really hope this all comes out right. I am very sick.
When I had my first child about 11 years ago, I suffered severe postpartum depression, and since then I have had episodes of severe anxiety and depression and mania on and off. My first husband eventually left me over it. I take meds, SSRI and mood stabilizers, but they don't always work; however, now I am addicted to them and suffer horrible withdrawal when I try to stop or run out for a few days.
I have been drinking every day and using drugs whenever I can get them to help combat these episodes, especially the anxiety. I am separated from my second husband, who is a severe alcoholic, but we are still together whenever we can be. Our relationship revolves around drinking heavily a lot of the time. We have a 2-1/2 year old daughter who lives with me and is usually there when we are drinking. Then we put her to bed, and we pass out at some point.
I have two children, boys 11 and 7, from a previous marriage (the one who left me). They live with their dad. I lost custody of them, partially because of the drinking and drugs and partially because my current husband did not treat them well. Also, because of the mental illness, I have had trouble working and caring for them and couldn't afford to raise them even with child support. I see them twice a week, but sometimes I can't because I can't afford to feed them or don't have the gas to pick them up.
I drank very heavily this past weekend, both with my husband and without. Passed out all 3 nights. The worst was on Saturday night. I had all three kids and some friends with me, and we went to a restaurant. I drank so much that I passed out at the table and had to be driven home and put to bed, and my 11-year-old was asked by my friends to watch over my daughter while she slept. My first husband doesn't know yet, but I think my son will probably say something at some point. It's okay, I didn't tell him to keep it secret--that's not fair to a kid.
I have not been able to care for the boys or my daughter. She doesn't get proper nutrition, hygiene or all the things a little girl needs. She hasn't been in for a checkup or to see the dentist. I would take her, but I can't afford it. I could be making decent money, but sometimes I get sick and can't work. It goes in cycles. A friend suggested I put her up for adoption, and another said I should sign over custody for a while, but I don't have anyone who would take her, no family or anything. And obviously her father cannot do it. I fear I am going to lose her anyway though. She could end up in foster care because of all the above.
My ex-husband yelled at me for 15 minutes the other day. He told me to "shape up" and "act like a f**king mother" to the boys. He said they look like sh*t whenever they come home from my house, and I don't help with raising them like homework and stuff. It was upsetting, but I saw his point. My current husband has no contact with the boys. My ex had me sign a document to that effect. I agreed with it because he was not nice to them and is a bad role model, and I wouldn't let the boys around him my own self.
Since I'm trying to be honest here, even though it's really hard, I will also say that I missed my period this month and have started throwing up. I couldn't possibly have another child, no way possible, but I can't afford to terminate the pregnancy financially. I would think about adoption, but I am 41 years old and drink and use drugs. I can't imagine how the baby would end up. I can barely take care of my daughter at this point, and she is suffering, and I can't have any more children ever.
At a friend's suggestion, I did go to an AA meeting yesterday and shared some of the above. Some of the women talked to me afterwards and gave me phone numbers; however, my phone is shut off right now until I can pay for it, so I can't call anybody. I would like to go back, maybe every day, but right now I can't afford the gas and can't use my phone to try and get rides. I used to go to Al-Anon a lot to help with my husband's drinking, but I was never honest about my own substance abuse or didn't realize it was a problem. Al-Anon was wonderful and helped a lot though.
I am in tremendous fear and exhaustion. There is a good chance I will lose my apartment because I can't work and pay rent. There is a good chance I will lose my daughter. I have no insurance to go to a good rehab or sober living house. My boys are growing up without me. I love my husband dearly, but he is as sick as I am. I'm so exhausted and don't know what to do anymore. I admit that suicide has crossed my mind, but honestly I wouldn't cause my children that sort of pain and having to live knowing that, so I would never go through with it.
I hope somebody will read this and know what I should do. My children and I need help badly. Thank you.
When I had my first child about 11 years ago, I suffered severe postpartum depression, and since then I have had episodes of severe anxiety and depression and mania on and off. My first husband eventually left me over it. I take meds, SSRI and mood stabilizers, but they don't always work; however, now I am addicted to them and suffer horrible withdrawal when I try to stop or run out for a few days.
I have been drinking every day and using drugs whenever I can get them to help combat these episodes, especially the anxiety. I am separated from my second husband, who is a severe alcoholic, but we are still together whenever we can be. Our relationship revolves around drinking heavily a lot of the time. We have a 2-1/2 year old daughter who lives with me and is usually there when we are drinking. Then we put her to bed, and we pass out at some point.
I have two children, boys 11 and 7, from a previous marriage (the one who left me). They live with their dad. I lost custody of them, partially because of the drinking and drugs and partially because my current husband did not treat them well. Also, because of the mental illness, I have had trouble working and caring for them and couldn't afford to raise them even with child support. I see them twice a week, but sometimes I can't because I can't afford to feed them or don't have the gas to pick them up.
I drank very heavily this past weekend, both with my husband and without. Passed out all 3 nights. The worst was on Saturday night. I had all three kids and some friends with me, and we went to a restaurant. I drank so much that I passed out at the table and had to be driven home and put to bed, and my 11-year-old was asked by my friends to watch over my daughter while she slept. My first husband doesn't know yet, but I think my son will probably say something at some point. It's okay, I didn't tell him to keep it secret--that's not fair to a kid.
I have not been able to care for the boys or my daughter. She doesn't get proper nutrition, hygiene or all the things a little girl needs. She hasn't been in for a checkup or to see the dentist. I would take her, but I can't afford it. I could be making decent money, but sometimes I get sick and can't work. It goes in cycles. A friend suggested I put her up for adoption, and another said I should sign over custody for a while, but I don't have anyone who would take her, no family or anything. And obviously her father cannot do it. I fear I am going to lose her anyway though. She could end up in foster care because of all the above.
My ex-husband yelled at me for 15 minutes the other day. He told me to "shape up" and "act like a f**king mother" to the boys. He said they look like sh*t whenever they come home from my house, and I don't help with raising them like homework and stuff. It was upsetting, but I saw his point. My current husband has no contact with the boys. My ex had me sign a document to that effect. I agreed with it because he was not nice to them and is a bad role model, and I wouldn't let the boys around him my own self.
Since I'm trying to be honest here, even though it's really hard, I will also say that I missed my period this month and have started throwing up. I couldn't possibly have another child, no way possible, but I can't afford to terminate the pregnancy financially. I would think about adoption, but I am 41 years old and drink and use drugs. I can't imagine how the baby would end up. I can barely take care of my daughter at this point, and she is suffering, and I can't have any more children ever.
At a friend's suggestion, I did go to an AA meeting yesterday and shared some of the above. Some of the women talked to me afterwards and gave me phone numbers; however, my phone is shut off right now until I can pay for it, so I can't call anybody. I would like to go back, maybe every day, but right now I can't afford the gas and can't use my phone to try and get rides. I used to go to Al-Anon a lot to help with my husband's drinking, but I was never honest about my own substance abuse or didn't realize it was a problem. Al-Anon was wonderful and helped a lot though.
I am in tremendous fear and exhaustion. There is a good chance I will lose my apartment because I can't work and pay rent. There is a good chance I will lose my daughter. I have no insurance to go to a good rehab or sober living house. My boys are growing up without me. I love my husband dearly, but he is as sick as I am. I'm so exhausted and don't know what to do anymore. I admit that suicide has crossed my mind, but honestly I wouldn't cause my children that sort of pain and having to live knowing that, so I would never go through with it.
I hope somebody will read this and know what I should do. My children and I need help badly. Thank you.
Sometimes "getting help" is for reasons bigger than us. This is much bigger than going to an AA meeting. I honestly cannot understand why someone hasn't called child protective services on those poor kids. I hope to God you're not pregnant again.
What's next? What happens to the kids that are by your own admission, severely neglected?
I know that was a post from a week ago.. but that's just a week ago.
I'm simply baffled about your situation. I hope someone protects the kids at some point in their lives.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 24
It is easier to give advice than it is to act on it. Further the advice givers don't usually take their own advice and I fit that mould. However, at the risk of preaching to you, meetings are the only available answer for you I believe and plenty of them. AA and not Al Anon. You are unburdening here anonymously but face to face is the go. Honesty will relieve you of some of your burden.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Some may say alcohol is the easiest solution, and no offense to them, but...
Alcohol is NO SOLUTION to any problem.
Remember this latest alcohol incident, ask yourself how the alcohol helped?
Did the alcohol solve anything?
Alcohol as a solution is the lie it tells you.
Don't believe it, it is not true.
Alcohol is NO SOLUTION to any problem.
Remember this latest alcohol incident, ask yourself how the alcohol helped?
Did the alcohol solve anything?
Alcohol as a solution is the lie it tells you.
Don't believe it, it is not true.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Thank you all. I feel a little better right now, but I have started to suffer from horrible panic attacks every day due to the whole situation, and the drinking does not help even though it relieves it temporarily. It is hard to work and sleep and function when this happens.
On Monday I went down to the benefits office and turned in all my paperwork. Once it is approved, I can go the counselor that the hospital suggested and can get some better medical care for myself and my daughter (the boys have their own). While I wait for that, I think the meetings will help. And I have a few really good friends who are keeping me going. I am also breaking away from my AH. Hard to do, but necessary.
It's just been a horrible couple of weeks, but maybe that's necessary as far as hitting bottom and getting some real help. Thank you again.
On Monday I went down to the benefits office and turned in all my paperwork. Once it is approved, I can go the counselor that the hospital suggested and can get some better medical care for myself and my daughter (the boys have their own). While I wait for that, I think the meetings will help. And I have a few really good friends who are keeping me going. I am also breaking away from my AH. Hard to do, but necessary.
It's just been a horrible couple of weeks, but maybe that's necessary as far as hitting bottom and getting some real help. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head...tis dark in here!
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by sickofthewaste 
It is easier to give advice than it is to act on it. Further the advice givers don't usually take their own advice and I fit that mould.
I hope you manage to prioritise the needs of your children (esp your daughter as she is solely in your care) above your own ...don't buy that drink today, instead use the money for the call that you cannot afford and the ride into town for the meeting...
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Cath as TommyK said:
It took me a lot of years to figure out that alcohol solved nothing!!!! It always made things worse!
You know when I get in a mood of any type except a good one I do one of 2 things and many times both, I go to a meeting or I call some one in the program and talk about it, things get better when I do this, if I drank my world as I know it would go to hades in a hand basket.
Have you checked on taking care of your kids? This is one of the rare instances where I say to put the safety of your children ahead of your sobriety. From what you have shared with us your children are in dire need of care.
Do you HONESTLY LOVE your kids?
If you do then you will arrange for some one safe to take care of them.
If you do not do this the state will take them away one day and it will be hell to pay for you to get them back!
Alcohol is NO SOLUTION to any problem.
Remember this latest alcohol incident, ask yourself how the alcohol helped?
Did the alcohol solve anything?
Alcohol as a solution is the lie it tells you.
Don't believe it, it is not true.
Remember this latest alcohol incident, ask yourself how the alcohol helped?
Did the alcohol solve anything?
Alcohol as a solution is the lie it tells you.
Don't believe it, it is not true.
You know when I get in a mood of any type except a good one I do one of 2 things and many times both, I go to a meeting or I call some one in the program and talk about it, things get better when I do this, if I drank my world as I know it would go to hades in a hand basket.
Have you checked on taking care of your kids? This is one of the rare instances where I say to put the safety of your children ahead of your sobriety. From what you have shared with us your children are in dire need of care.
Do you HONESTLY LOVE your kids?
If you do then you will arrange for some one safe to take care of them.
If you do not do this the state will take them away one day and it will be hell to pay for you to get them back!
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