catlady61

It seems like we move one step forward & 10 steps back .....when dealing with an A. My abf(he has started telling people roommate) of 14 and a half years is seriously driving me crazy. We still live together and share the household bills. I moved out of the bedroom 2 years ago for the simple reason that I had no idea if it was even me in his drunk mind that he was making love to when he came home drunk....... I thought my moving out of the room would serve a purpose....yeah sure it did.....it gave him one more thing to blame on me ......he blurted out 3 months ago that he has a girlfriend ....then later says she is a friend........ hurts soooo bad to think that I have been replaced so easily with a girl 20 years younger than me ......with a college education, and a law degree...not to mention that it was obviously sooooooo easy to just start something new without even trying to make an effort with the old........ He got a DUI a year & some months ago, went thru all the motions of therapy stopped drinking considerably .......so what angers me the most is that I thought maybe getting the DUI & the therapy would help him realize that the DRINKING strained our relationship.......then I was told no it wasn't the drinking .......come on .....I am not stupid!! Now here I sit ....he still lies alot, I never know what to believe anymore...I dont even know when he is working anymore....if I call his job & they say he is off...he says he was at another store .....if I call his cell phone & get no answer for up to 12 hours ...he was busy....if I ask how its possible that he works 16 to 18 or more hours a day for a 10 our day salary ....all managers have to do it .....bullllllllll
I know that anyone who reads this will say, WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE? And the truth is that I have loved him for almost 15 years ....... I think he has deeper mental issues ....again WHY ARE YOU THERE screams out. He has no family that cares for him other than me & my kids (they are starting to resent him for his actions toward me) and truthfully I dont know how to let him go!!!!Now he just goes on with his life as if he is some single guy. His counselor for the DUI wrote him a glowing evaluation....... proving to me that he totally snowed her & the system, now I guess he is using the same snowing tactic on the new girl/friend in his life.........meanwhile telling me that he is not sure what HE wants to do with his life, and that he does not know if he wants to start an intimate realtionship with me again......wtf does that even mean after almost 15 years ...7 of which we have lived together. Sorry, I had to vent all that ...there are so many details I left out. I am just so frustrated emotionally, physically and sexually

bluejay6

I'm so sorry, catlady. You seem paralyzed for now, unable to take any constructive action. In those scenarios it usually takes a major crisis for change to happen. Change happens to you, rather than you creating change.

So....given your description of the situation, if you "sit" long enough, Life is going to pick you up and move you forward anyway. It's usually messier that way. But life cannot sustain long a toxic situation, as you are living. Life seeks equilibrium and health, and it tries to get there one way or another.

You are in need of some serious counseling. Hoping you are getting some help. Your relationship is painful and poisonous. You need support.

Love,
Bluejay

ItsmeAlice

I have to agree with BlueJay.

I understand you have had feelings for this man for 15 years and that is not something that shuts off with a click. Your other reasons, however, are all codependency holding you back. You say he has no one but you. Clearly he has someone in his life that means a lot to him. That's where you believe he is when he is out, right? He has a job to go to and money coming in. He's a grown man capable of fending for himself. Your children have recoiled from him because of his drinking and yet you place importance on them being in your ABF's life for his sake because he has no family. Now would be the time to put them, and you, in the forefront and make those tough decisions about how you want to live.

Love and happiness are out there waiting for you. You can sit in the stew you've been a part of for so long, or you can get on with your life. Your feelings of love and loss for him will have to be dealt with, but you will not be able to deal with them until you get some inner strength and peace for yourself.

I think he has made it clear that he is ready to move on. You have the power to move on as well, you just need to tap into it. Counseling may help you to do that more readily.

Best to you.

Alice

GiveLove

catlady, I agree with our wise friends above.

I stayed in such a relationship for far too long, mostly because I was wired that way. It had been so many years that I couldn't envision a life without him, even though life WITH him was killing me.

Personal counseling helped me to unravel all the knots, start dreaming of something better, STOP putting someone else's happiness/wellbeing ahead of my own.

I hope you'll choose that. You will be amazed at the life that is out here waiting for you, if you'll just let loose your grip of the (terrible) one you have.

Love
GL

Freedom1990

Analysis paralysis-that is exactly what I got caught up in many years ago when I had a roommate/BF.

He was wonderful while I was going to tech school, helped with the bills, was attentive, and yet something wasn't quite right.

When I graduated and got a job that paid almost as much as he was making, things changed drastically.

He was emotionally abusive, and extremely cold to my then 7 year old daughter. I spent all my time obsessing over what he was/wasn't doing, and didn't do a thing to improve my own life.

The proverbial crap hit the fan when I got a call at work that my oldest daughter had been in a car accident and I rushed to the hospital.

While she was in xray, I phone home to let the BF know what was going on, I'd be late getting home, and could he please make sure my 7 year would get fed? He said "That little b*tch had better not give me any sh*t."

That was it! When I got home, we had a huge blowout, and I ended up hitting him in the face and breaking his glasses after he called me the c word. All those months of anger building up absolutely spewed out of me.

He was out of the house that night.

I don't feel good about how I handled it, especially the fact I lost my temper so bad that I hit him.

Staying in toxic relationships is so harmful to us, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Catlady, you are a child of God, and I know he has wondrous things in store for you if you trust him and start the process of recovery for yourself. :ghug2

catlady61

Thank you all for the replys, You are all right about the whole situation, I know I did hope that our relationship would be important enough to work on. And its pretty much obvious that he has "someone" out there that cares for him and he just does not want to be with me anymore. I get all that I understand it, and no I am not trying to change him...I guess what I meant by saying in my header "I am sooo tired of trying" is that I am tired of trying to make this life "comfortable" and a place HE wants to be, clearly he has moved on as stated...... I never had the notion that he has nothing without me because I know he can fend for himself. I just dont understand how after so many years of saying I love you every single day he has just thrown our love in the trash.

KLC11

I know this may sound like a boozy thing to ask but how does anyone start a new thread here? I can't figure it out. I might have wanted to say that so many of us are brilliant, sensitive, giving, exceptional people that we should not kill ourselves. But I could not find how to start a link and there was no way to respond to anyone elses to say that I am worth having lived.....where do we write that on this website? I lived and I want to live.

sandrawg

Because he's an alcoholic. And alcoholics don't love anything or anyone as much as they love the drink. And because he doesn't even love himself, so how could he love you? Could you really call what you had "love"?

And because he's probably realizing that you're hitting your tolerance limit, and he needs to find another enabler.

sesh

So sorry to hear what you are going though. Change few details and your story is mine, as all our stories are same in the essence.
For me the breaking point was when it suddenly downed to me that I really turned into studip person, and spent my time analyzing his behavior, and hoping he'd change, and he'd finally see it, and miracously become that person I've married 11 years ago, while I did nothing for myself, and nothing for my kids which is far worse. wasn't it bad enough they have one parent who's not responsible and drinking, and never there, do they really need a mother who is miserable all the time, crying, living the day with an effort to breath? What am I teaching them? What kind of life am I enabling them for? What kind of people will they become growing up like this?
And that was my braking point. I've realized I'm only responsible for myself and my kids!!!
And if not for my own sake than I have to do some serious changes for them, as by allowing this lifestyle am I as bad parent as he is.
For me than the only option was to ask him to leave, which he did (17 days ago) without a word. We spoke few times since, and all I hear from him is the same old stories: he is sorry, I deserve better. Why? he can't really elaborate on that...
But you know what nothing he says anymore matters, as I realized it doesn't really mean anything - I'm looking at my life as it is happening to someone else (takes an effort, but I'm getting better) and I can see things for what they are...
I know now my problem was making excuses for him, wanting the marriage to last: but it takes two for a marriage to work.
And also everything I did before, every single action I did was done to provoke a response from him, to make him realize... And than I realized: Is this really all I am and all I can be???

I kicked myself in the a**, and took the responsibility for my own actions and responsibilities, and he left. And it is hard, harder than I can begin to explain, but at least I'm finally honest with myself, I'm a person I deserve respect...

Saying all this I'm not telling you to leave him or to stay, I'm just asking you to try have an honest conversation with yourself, about you and your kids (after all that's all your responsible for), without getting into emotions, just sticking to the facts: his actions and your actions, without excuses for any of you ( no more yes, but...)... I did say at the beginning all our stories are same, but we are all different people. This has worked for me, so feeling your hurt, I wanted to share it, hoping it could help you at least a little bit...

And re: his trowing your love into trash... I've been asking myself the same thing too many times, and than it hit me: who cares!!! He most certanly doesn't, or at least not enough (which is same thing)... I want to be a grownup independant person, and not spend my time crying: he doesn't love me.... Regardless of whether he loves me or not he is not good husband!!! And that's were the story ends for me. It is always that simple then we think of somone else's life, now i'm trying to use some of that wisdom into my own...

Sorry if this seems harsh to you...
Hope it helps...

catlady61

Sesh, Thank you so much for sharing, I feel so much the same as you. I feel like I have become some a stupid person, trying to get a response from him all the time, trying to get him to respond to anything just to see if there is some sign that he cares that I exist...... this is very stressful and ultimately a waste of time since he is only focused on what he wants and how to obtain it. Looks like he has no concern what-so-ever for me, our home, (except financially, he still helps) or anything else that concerns me. So, I guess I am just trying to gather the strengh within my own mind to say goodbye.
I have begun to feel like such a worthless person simply because he does not love me......and I know that this is totally wrong, and it is abusive for him to continue to live here if he has no intention of having a life with me. He comes in every night and says hi, then goes right to the room that I guess has become "his" room ...he only interacts with the family on his days off ..if we/ I seek him out.....he has closed himself off to be alone. He stays in that room all day on his day off watching tv and sleeping, it drives me crazy, because I have all the memories of the things we used to do together ...and he treats me like a stranger......if we bump into each other or our arms brush he acts like a total stranger and apologizes or as if he were lit on fire he jumps. Its so sad.....I know its part of his detachment strategy but why go thur all that trouble? Why not just leave? Is he waiting to see if his new relationship works out before leaving?
I seriously thank all of you for everything you have said to me, I know I am not alone.

sesh

I don't know, dear, it is very hard to figure out why people do things they do. I don't bother myself anymore with thoughts why my AH did what he did, he did it and that is all it matters. If I were you I wouldn't be asking myself why doesn't he leave I'd ask myself why do I stay...I figured out that any other line of thinking is just driving me to insanity... thinking only of my own actions and reasons, gave the feeling I've missed for such a long time: being in control of my own life, not depending on others... and it made me feel alive again, and regardless of the pain it feels good....