I would like to tell you about my past
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 54
I would like to tell you about my past
HI!
I’ve been reading threads on here like crazy and so many stories have gave me answers that I was looking for. So maybe if I share my story about when I was partying and into drugs, it can help some of you find answers.
*My Addiction*
What is a drug of choice? I truly think it takes a while to find what ruffles your feathers. Over 12 years, I happened to dabble in every drug there was. However, I had always found that I loved alcohol, cocaine, and pills the best. Why? Because alcohol gave me the courage to be the person I wanted to be, cocaine gave me the confidence of the person that I wished I could be, and Xanax gave me the peace of mind and the relaxation of the person that I wished I had.
*My Habits*
Lying-
I am truly one of the most upfront and honest person that you may ever meet. However, when I was drinking and doing drugs, I would lie about everything. Why? Because I knew what I was doing was morally wrong and self destructive. I lied about being sick from work, I lied about how much I drank, and I would lie about stealing stuff. I never would steal your money. Only your liquor and beer and drugs because that was what I wanted immediately. Money did me no good at 4am when the bars are closed.
Cheating-
I joined this forum to seek support because my ex addict has moved on. Well, the first two years we were together, I cheated on him with at least 30 people…multiple times…even with his best friend..and I would brag to him about him. But you have to know 2 things. Did I truly love him? Yes. Yes because he was the only person that I cared about throughout the time. But my way of loving him did not constitute consummate love. I couldn’t feel love so I really didn’t know what it was. But I did care about him. I just didn’t care about his feelings because I was too messed up to even acknowledge my own. And why did I cheat? Well, I would cheat to feel better about myself. What was that? Yes, I would be all depressed, he would be mean to me (usually because I was drinking too much), so I would go make out or hook up with guy. At that moment, I would feel in control. Because deep down, I had none. Then, I would cheat because in my head, if you go out and use and you don’t “get some,” then it wasn’t a good night. You see, I would feel awful at 2am because I was now broke and knew I was not making it to work that day. So why not get in control and do something constructive with my time- cheating- because I already knew that I was going to have a bad tomorrow. But when the hook up was over, I would want to get away from them. I had my bf that I cared about. The hook up was only a temporary fix to pass the time until the alcohol wore off. As for the bragging about it- really dumb move! But, I was so insecure that I thought if he knew so many other guys wanted me, he would want me more. Only an idiot would thing like this. But I was an addict, and every thought I had was idiotic and irrational. And one more thing, if I was drinking and doing coke, I would never hook up. Why? Because I was too busy talking a mile a minute about how wonderful I was that hooking up would interfere with my rambling on about fantasized accomplishments and goals.
Hurting You-
I hurt a lot of people. Mostly the people who truly cared about me. But when I would hurt you, it was not personal. It was being selfish and wanting my alcohol and drugs. When I would promise to meet you at 5 for dinner and I never showed, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see you. It was because I had stopped at the bar for 1 drink, and now I was buzzed, lost my appetite, the regulars had now shown, and I was having a grand old time just drinking. Yeah, I would feel bad. But another shot or two of whiskey immediately numbed those feelings. So for the time being, I was just going to enjoy myself.
Why Didn’t I just Stop-
Because I couldn’t. I can’t explain these thoughts in my head and these urges. When I was young, it was all about being cool and having fun. But by my mid 20’s, these thoughts were consuming me. I would plan my day and my week around drinking. That’s seriously all I thought about. Except when I was hungover. When I wake up still drunk, I would still be oblivious to everything . But when the hangover would kick it, that’s when all of the consequences would hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I felt like crap. Yes, I was ruining my life. Yes, I had nothing to show, my life is a mess, and blah blah blah. I ask everyone now, “Why didn’t you tell me I was so bad back then?” Their reply “We told you 100 times.” Sadly, I didn’t hear them because you are telling me what you want, and not what I want. Remember now, this is my addiction and it’s all about my wants.
My Irrational Thoughts-
Back then, I would tell everyone that alcohol and pills and at one time Special K, was my best friend. It was always there for me, it never let me down, it did not put me down, and it always made me feel better about myself. It took months of sobriety to see that my best friend was actually my worst enemy and the cause of most of my problems. I say most because I have some other issues in the past that were causing my addiction. But my best friend did not make me acknowledge these. My best friend just consumed my time, and as a good best friend, I was so loyal to him.
*Me*
How did I Really Feel?
When I was 23, my boyfriend (the ex I’m still crying over) taught me a new word. It’s façade. Please google this word until your fingers get numb. I was a walking façade. On the outside, I made it seem like I was this tough , carefree, person who had it all together. But inside, I was like cottage cheese. I always say I looked like a Mercedes on the outside but I had an old broken down beat up VW engine in the inside. And it was. I was so upset, depressed, and miserable. My self esteem was as high as a freshly cut blade of grass. And I would cry and cry and cry. Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t tell anyone how many times I thought about killing myself. Ironically, every time I was going to, something would happen to change my mind….like a friend would call and invite me to a bar and I would perk up and go. You gotta know that deep down, I truly wanted to live. I loved life. But not my own.
I’ve been reading threads on here like crazy and so many stories have gave me answers that I was looking for. So maybe if I share my story about when I was partying and into drugs, it can help some of you find answers.
*My Addiction*
What is a drug of choice? I truly think it takes a while to find what ruffles your feathers. Over 12 years, I happened to dabble in every drug there was. However, I had always found that I loved alcohol, cocaine, and pills the best. Why? Because alcohol gave me the courage to be the person I wanted to be, cocaine gave me the confidence of the person that I wished I could be, and Xanax gave me the peace of mind and the relaxation of the person that I wished I had.
*My Habits*
Lying-
I am truly one of the most upfront and honest person that you may ever meet. However, when I was drinking and doing drugs, I would lie about everything. Why? Because I knew what I was doing was morally wrong and self destructive. I lied about being sick from work, I lied about how much I drank, and I would lie about stealing stuff. I never would steal your money. Only your liquor and beer and drugs because that was what I wanted immediately. Money did me no good at 4am when the bars are closed.
Cheating-
I joined this forum to seek support because my ex addict has moved on. Well, the first two years we were together, I cheated on him with at least 30 people…multiple times…even with his best friend..and I would brag to him about him. But you have to know 2 things. Did I truly love him? Yes. Yes because he was the only person that I cared about throughout the time. But my way of loving him did not constitute consummate love. I couldn’t feel love so I really didn’t know what it was. But I did care about him. I just didn’t care about his feelings because I was too messed up to even acknowledge my own. And why did I cheat? Well, I would cheat to feel better about myself. What was that? Yes, I would be all depressed, he would be mean to me (usually because I was drinking too much), so I would go make out or hook up with guy. At that moment, I would feel in control. Because deep down, I had none. Then, I would cheat because in my head, if you go out and use and you don’t “get some,” then it wasn’t a good night. You see, I would feel awful at 2am because I was now broke and knew I was not making it to work that day. So why not get in control and do something constructive with my time- cheating- because I already knew that I was going to have a bad tomorrow. But when the hook up was over, I would want to get away from them. I had my bf that I cared about. The hook up was only a temporary fix to pass the time until the alcohol wore off. As for the bragging about it- really dumb move! But, I was so insecure that I thought if he knew so many other guys wanted me, he would want me more. Only an idiot would thing like this. But I was an addict, and every thought I had was idiotic and irrational. And one more thing, if I was drinking and doing coke, I would never hook up. Why? Because I was too busy talking a mile a minute about how wonderful I was that hooking up would interfere with my rambling on about fantasized accomplishments and goals.
Hurting You-
I hurt a lot of people. Mostly the people who truly cared about me. But when I would hurt you, it was not personal. It was being selfish and wanting my alcohol and drugs. When I would promise to meet you at 5 for dinner and I never showed, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to see you. It was because I had stopped at the bar for 1 drink, and now I was buzzed, lost my appetite, the regulars had now shown, and I was having a grand old time just drinking. Yeah, I would feel bad. But another shot or two of whiskey immediately numbed those feelings. So for the time being, I was just going to enjoy myself.
Why Didn’t I just Stop-
Because I couldn’t. I can’t explain these thoughts in my head and these urges. When I was young, it was all about being cool and having fun. But by my mid 20’s, these thoughts were consuming me. I would plan my day and my week around drinking. That’s seriously all I thought about. Except when I was hungover. When I wake up still drunk, I would still be oblivious to everything . But when the hangover would kick it, that’s when all of the consequences would hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I felt like crap. Yes, I was ruining my life. Yes, I had nothing to show, my life is a mess, and blah blah blah. I ask everyone now, “Why didn’t you tell me I was so bad back then?” Their reply “We told you 100 times.” Sadly, I didn’t hear them because you are telling me what you want, and not what I want. Remember now, this is my addiction and it’s all about my wants.
My Irrational Thoughts-
Back then, I would tell everyone that alcohol and pills and at one time Special K, was my best friend. It was always there for me, it never let me down, it did not put me down, and it always made me feel better about myself. It took months of sobriety to see that my best friend was actually my worst enemy and the cause of most of my problems. I say most because I have some other issues in the past that were causing my addiction. But my best friend did not make me acknowledge these. My best friend just consumed my time, and as a good best friend, I was so loyal to him.
*Me*
How did I Really Feel?
When I was 23, my boyfriend (the ex I’m still crying over) taught me a new word. It’s façade. Please google this word until your fingers get numb. I was a walking façade. On the outside, I made it seem like I was this tough , carefree, person who had it all together. But inside, I was like cottage cheese. I always say I looked like a Mercedes on the outside but I had an old broken down beat up VW engine in the inside. And it was. I was so upset, depressed, and miserable. My self esteem was as high as a freshly cut blade of grass. And I would cry and cry and cry. Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t tell anyone how many times I thought about killing myself. Ironically, every time I was going to, something would happen to change my mind….like a friend would call and invite me to a bar and I would perk up and go. You gotta know that deep down, I truly wanted to live. I loved life. But not my own.
Last edited by flipfloplover; 08-25-2009 at 11:18 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by flipfloplover 
inside, I was like cottage cheese. I always say I looked like a Mercedes on the outside but I had an old broken down beat up VW engine in the inside. And it was. I was so upset, depressed, and miserable. My self esteem was as high as a freshly cut blade of grass. And I would cry and cry and cry. Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone. I wouldn’t tell anyone how many times I thought about killing myself. Ironically, every time I was going to, something would happen to change my mind….like a friend would call and invite me to a bar and I would perk up and go. You gotta know that deep down, I truly wanted to live. I loved life. But not my own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
It takes courage to be so authentic.
Thank you for your inspiring honesty. I think your story will bring tremendous healing to many people. You are living a beautiful recovery, flipflop. And you sound like a beautiful person inside, not cottage cheese. Shining like a perfect child of God.
Stay well, carry the message xx
love,
Bluejay
Thank you for your inspiring honesty. I think your story will bring tremendous healing to many people. You are living a beautiful recovery, flipflop. And you sound like a beautiful person inside, not cottage cheese. Shining like a perfect child of God.
Stay well, carry the message xx
love,
Bluejay
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 54
Hi guys and gals!
Thanks for the nice reponses. I realized that the last 4 years of my sobriety has been spent on codependent behaviors and now it's turn to focus on fully healing myself. So I figured the first part to focusing on me would be to write about me! So thanks for letting me share
Thanks for the nice reponses. I realized that the last 4 years of my sobriety has been spent on codependent behaviors and now it's turn to focus on fully healing myself. So I figured the first part to focusing on me would be to write about me! So thanks for letting me share
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Thanks flipfloplover for sharing your story with us here. It does help me to get a better understanding of how my addict/alcoholic son thinks sometimes. I appreciate you being willing to share so honestly with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 54
Hi NinaKay!
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I will say that my thoughts did change as the years went on and I got deeper into my hole of addiction. But they changed for the worse because by that point, I just no longer cared about anything.
And there is still a lot of stuff that I did that I cannot share because I honestly cannot admit even them to myself. I am still ashamed and in disbelief that I did these things.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I will say that my thoughts did change as the years went on and I got deeper into my hole of addiction. But they changed for the worse because by that point, I just no longer cared about anything.
And there is still a lot of stuff that I did that I cannot share because I honestly cannot admit even them to myself. I am still ashamed and in disbelief that I did these things.
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