queenie88

so i've been going back through the archives and reading SOOOOOO many old posts. i feel like i could do this for a lifetime, there is just such a wealth of information here, every day i stumble across something that just makes so much sense and i think to myself, what would i have done without the advice of all these amazing people??

this exchange seemed to really stick out at me:

and the response by the OP...

this thread really stuck with me. especially cynay's quote "It did not occur to me to sit down and figure out what I wanted.... and then see if he fit. The most loving thing I did for him was no contact because as he was he would not have been the man I wanted to spend my life with ... he just could not .... and because he could not be that man I would have made his life miserable by trying to always change him." and then deax's response about not being able to see past the present and into the future.

WOW. that's exactly where i am right now. i've been so wrapped up in dealing with xabf and his life and his problems and his reality that i have no idea who i am or what i want out of life. maybe that's why i got into this situation in the first place - i have no boundaries for myself, and i don't even know myself well enough to know what kind of a man i want to be with. so i put myself in a situation in which i had no power, no life of my own - it was xabf's reality. that seemed ok to me at the time, but now i'm wondering how i even got into that mess in the first place. i'm struggling with establishing independence, financially and emotionally, figuring out a career, where i want to live, etc. where do i begin? i feel like everyone else around me, my friends, everyone has it all figured out, and i've just been in this fog that seems to have been stretching on endlessly, and now i don't know where to turn.

so my question is: how have you figured yourself out? figured out what you want out of life, out of a relationship, who you think you are. was it a magic "aha" moment, or the result of countless hours of self-reflection?

GiveLove

I don't know how it worked for anyone else, but for me it was a constant series of small efforts. Not just sitting and reflecting, but actually getting out and doing things, exploring, asking for help.

SR, Al-Anon, counseling, coaching, lots of journaling, reading things by Barbara Sher (WishCraft...Google her "perfect day exercise"), Martha Beck (The Joy Diet was absolutely life-changing for me), Jennifer James (Women and the Blues)....exploring what I believed in spiritually.....exploring what I was capable of physically, and what I loved to do......just lots of small actions that taught me more and more and more about what I wanted.

Not saying it was easy, but it wasn't hard either, most of the time. At first I was so anxious to arrive, to finally be great and healed, that it was frustrating sometimes. But even right now, I look around and see that I'M STILL FIGURING MYSELF OUT and learning great new things every day about what I want, what I love, what I feel.

It can be a really beautiful journey.

Good luck to you on yours!!!!

bookwyrm

I still haven't figured out the 'big picture' but I do have a series of small goals to get to. I want to explore who I am and what I really want to do, take my time over it and not set anything in stone.

I remember a couple of years ago not being able to even think about what life without STBXAH would be like - it was too much for me to contemplate. But here I am, separated for a year, about to move to my own place and anticipating getting on with my life! I want to take a few night classes, try new things and do things I've never done before! the image I have in my head that helped me was sitting on a bench in a garden with a book surrounded by my cats. I'll need to wait till next summer for that but its within reach!

My 'career' has been stuck for years - too busy focusing on STBXAH. Once I have home settled, its where I'll be looking at next.

Its all baby steps though - there is no need to work it all out at once! I think the whole 'finding out who you are' thing is a continuous process. You never stop working on it. You never stop changing, never stop growing. As you encounter new situations/new people/new things you find out a little bit more about yourself. You can do this - and it can be fun!

peaceteach

Good for you, Queenie, to keep on reading and finding these "aha" moments! Life is full of them. You are well on your way to taking care of YOU, girl. I loved this post!

brundle

Great post!!! I often struggle with this. I do small things but I feel the big picture is missing. I wonder if that's because I have an AH and he never sees the future so I've given up on one while here. Or did I never really know me and that's how I ended up with him!

Hummmm.......

silkspin

wow, that post was powerful! Thanks for posting it queenie. I felt the same way - I always knew he wasn't living up to his potential, and selfishly, I wanted to be the one to propel him into greatness like I knew he could be. How horribly wrong that ended up!

Al-Anon was really where my thinking started to change. I was all about him, and barely about me. Just attending and listening started to subtly change how I felt. And detachment was most important for me. At first it was tough - I felt like I was just ignoring him. But one member put it really well for herself - she said she had to stop living in her husband's head, and start living in her own. That really resonated with me!

I often say and have posted here that I had my hands around the neck of my relationship, trying to force things to what I wanted them to be. Instead, I cut off the air flow and slowly killed it. I realized how much my behaviour had affected how things got to be. I figuratively let my hands go, and magically our relationship took a breath. I actively detached from him - meaning whenever opportunity came to tell him to do something, give him an opinion about how things should be done etc etc, I kept my mouth shut. Stopped. Repeated 'it's none of my business' until the feeling passed. Occupied myself with something else - a walk, housework, a hobby, reading, anything. And slowly, those other things became more interesting for me than to constantly comment and worry about what he was doing. What a feeling of relief that I didn't have to live for 2 people, only for me! I have so much more time for me now!

I'm not sure where many of us get these 'saviour' feelings from. When did I ever learn that my job in life was to fix those I got involved with? Why couldn't I join a relationship and be a true equal to another and enjoy them for who they were? Instead I'd attach myself like a leech and started figuring out how I could make them even better (like I knew better than they!!!???). At first every day it was a struggle, and now after 8 months of sobriety from him (yes, after I stopped my insanity he actually got help!) I can't imagine ever going back to how I was. It was exhausting, unhealthy, unproductive. Nowadays I practice al anon teachings with everyone around me - including my parents. And if I find myself budding into a situation because I think I know better, I stop myself with the 'it's none of my business' phrase. That had been a saving grace for me.

Thumper

I totally agree with you on reading the old posts. This was a good one.

I find myself in the opposite spot. I've spent so long being consumed with being apart from my ah that I just can't seem to see him in my future now. I try and picture a happy home type future - and he just isn't there.

I did not issue an ultimatum - I'd done that already to no avail. I just filed for divorce and said I was done. I didn't expect him to go to treatment so I'm completing unprepared emotionally and intellectually to deal with this.

He is in treatment right now and wants to do marriage counseling. I've agreed but I'm just not accepting this with love and hope. My problem is that when I think of taking my children away from a *sober* father I am crushed by feelings of guilt and shame. I'll do the counseling and maybe I'll find a way in my heart to accept this and move forward, or he'll start drinking again.

Jazzman

I know me. I've known me for a long time. I have learned a few lessons in my lifetime, some I've had to learn more than once The most important lesson I learned was to relax. I've actually gotten pretty darn good at relaxing over the years and consider myself to be a pro. That's simply all I want out of life, a relaxing life with no drama or mayhem.

I've also learned to NOT make someone a priority if all you are to them is an option. I've learned what type of person to avoid at all costs for relationship potential. Still dunno what I want to be when I grow up, but it's on my list of things to figure out as long as it doesn't interrupt my relaxation. I'll wager you've already learned a lot of these too but just need to focus on yourself and relax, then you'll see the forest.

brundle

I must also agree with Thumper... Whenever I see the future I want it's always without my AH. It's like seeing him in it just means more of the same and well then what would be the point; I guess.

I wish I could be more like Thumper and just file for divorce. I don't say anything to him or anything like that. But I do stay; just waiting for the time when things line up for me to leave. Maybe I need less wishbone and more backbone!!!!

Even without him; I would still have plenty of work when it came to "figuring myself out"....

PS... Thumper: I'm really sorry for what your going through... My first husband did that. I felt the same. Then he started using again and I remember thinking "thankfully, I'm free." I couldn't ever say that to anyone. I figured they would think I was crazy. I was just so happy to be able to divorce him. I'll be prayin' for you!

Stung

I'm really struggling with the concept of figuring out who I am.

I read a post on the alcoholism side the other day about personality types, the OP said that she was an introvert but trying not to isolate herself by default of her personality. I think I am actually an extrovert but have suffocated myself to fit into other people's lives by being quiet, smart and in the background. Much like the Wizard of Oz. I'm the woman behind the curtain, trying to control everything but destined for failure in attempting control.

I really like the idea of figuring yourself out through small acts. I want to just have some grand "aha" moment and just realize who I am and what I want but it's probably not really realistic.

OnawaMiniya

"so my question is: how have you figured yourself out? figured out what you want out of life, out of a relationship, who you think you are. was it a magic "aha" moment, or the result of countless hours of self-reflection?"

What an interesting topic to bring up, because I'm sure the answers will be so varied yet similar in many ways. I think there are a lot of methods you can use to understand who you really are, and what you want out of life.

As far as it being a magic "aha" moment, vs countless hours of self-reflection: I would say it's an ongoing process throughout one's lifetime. So, I think the answer to that (for me, anyway) would be "both". As in, there are those "aha!" moments when a major realization hits you, and something becomes crystal clear. But also, I feel like those moments happen when we grow strong and wise enough to handle those truths, to be able to handle those insights. So, in that way, countless hours of self-reflection lead up to those points.

Also, since we continuously evolve and change throughout life, we have to pause every so often and reassess, so for that reason I think getting to know your true self is a process that goes on over the course of our entire lifetime.

There have been many things in the past that have helped me gain some good, deep insight into myself. I would say some of the more effective methods of gaining insight into oneself would be to first, permit yourself to be honest with yourself, knowing that no one else has to know or hear your thoughts. I think people can lie to themselves, because facing something is too hard or embarrassing, and we don't want others to know what's really going on within. We don't want to be seen a certain way by others, so we wear a mask to hide our vulnerabilities.

When we give ourselves permission to be honest with our own self, we open big, heavy doors that have a LOT behind them, and now we have the opportunity to sort through it all. Until we are honest with ourselves, we cannot access the content behind those doors, and we deal with it on a superficial level, where we try to get through the present unscathed instead of really sorting through the mess and updating things.

Most of what you will find behind those doors is made of pure fear, shame, and guilt.

Once we can openly admit to ourselves what we are so afraid of, or ashamed of, or feel so guilty about, we have the chance to ask ourselves why. We have the chance to ask ourselves what our motivations truly are.

We can become so deeply involved in putting on a tough exterior, where no one would ever guess our fears, that after a while, we believe the lie. We believe we are just "doing what we have to do", rather than the truth, which is we are doing what we are too afraid not to do lest we be exposed for what we really are.

So, when seeking out what your true motivations are for things, it can be a long process. At first we may not even want to admit something to our own self, despite the fact that no one else can hear what you are thinking.

Often, we would be horrified if we actually knew consciously what we are trying to do!

For example, the way we treat another person, telling ourselves it is because they are xyz, when really it is because we are abc!

When you get to the bottom of your true motives, it becomes harder and harder to make excuses for yourself that stick in your own mind/to make up lies that we believe after repeating them for a while. It becomes harder and harder to hide behind the fears, anxieties, guilty feelings, and shame. Because once we uncover a little bit of our truth, face it, and come out OK, you see that .....it really is OK! No one is perfect! No one is without fear!

And it feels so much better to just be yourself.

When you're just being yourself, it is so much easier to then reach your goals, be they professional, personal, romantic, etc.

When you are authentic, you are then attracting people and situations to your AUTHENTIC self, who you truly are at the heart of it all, versus who you are when acting out of fear/anxiety/guilt/shame, etc, so they are a better match for you.

And things begin to become more simple.

I could go on and on, listing other ways and methods and things that have been good tools and experiences for learning about who I am inside, truly. Maybe in another post. This is long enough lol.

Peace.

spia

I'm new here and am getting all this info playing through my brain too. I read a quote yesterday that explains exactly what I want out of my relationship and I still hope my husband and I can work it out.

I am willing to wait for a healthy and loving relationship in which I am fully supported.

I am struggling to figure out a lot about what I want. I feel like I've lost so much of myself to my relationship and I'm learning to get myself back.

That quote shows me a reminder of what I deserve and not to accept anything less.

I also know that I've become more timid and submissive and I used to be very outspoken and "sassy"as my sister calls it. I know I want that part of me back. The part that demands respect from others and doesn't take no for an answer.

I am also learning to "treat"myself. It's like I've been so focused on serving my husband and my child that I feel guilty for serving myself. This might sound silly but I went and bought a new hair straightener. I desperately needed a new one and at first I felt guilty for spending the money on myself instead of something for my kid. But I am learning to give my self little gifts and not be apologetic for them. My family has what they need and its okay to give myself what I need.

Anyhow that's how I'm working on myself right now. I know all these are small things (and Might not mean much to others) but I'm starting to see clearer.

Oh I'm also doing a bible study on contentment. Learning to be positive!

honeypig

Looking back at the date of the original post here, almost exactly 5 years ago. I guess we all struggle w/the same questions, don't we?

So many more similarities than differences...

smc92va

Both of those quotes made me cry. I can soooo relate to both of them. While it's somewhat bittersweet, I am so comforted by the fact that others are confused and make the same mistakes I do.

mfanch

When I quit focusing on AH and started focusing myself, there was a palpable void. I was SO used to doing that....that I was missing out on me. the 12 steps of AA and Alanon made all the difference for me. It held up the mirror for me to see my true self. Then I could act my way into correct thinking (ie correct the cognitive dissonance that I had been suffering all these years) and finally life as a truly free and happy person.

In my case, thankfully, AH did the same. He worked the 12 steps and we are still happily married, and doing better than ever. But were not going to make it five years ago. Not until be both disengaged and each worked on our recoveries from chemicals and from codependency.