New to this forum and at a total loss

Old 08-25-2009, 06:27 PM
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New to this forum and at a total loss

I am new to this forum. I would like to say I am new to this life, but I married an addict seven years ago. Why? Because I made excuses to dance around his addiction and because he said he loved me. The most important reason was, I love him. Yes, he is a great husband. Yes, he is a great father. But when he's in the midst of trying to quit, he's now neither. I have been lied to, and our finances have been depleted. So why do I still love this man and stay by his side? Why do I put my five year old at risk with all of this. Those are the questions I have. My husband has never been physically abusive. He doesn't have it in him. But, I do realize now he has been mentally abusive because he has made me an enabler. He knew that I never was into drugs and barely have a drink. He just made me believe (yes, I said made me) that smoking pot wasn't so bad. He made me believe that his taking my pills from surgery would help his back. I was nieve, no more. My husband finally went into a program last week. It was the hardest week of my life, but it was all about him. Yet why is it that I am the one trying to keep the home front together? Trying to keep my very young, but smart daughter from realizing that her father has a very serious sickness? Why do I feel responsible for all of this? I never took the money away. I never confronted him. I never stopped him. I believed all of his excuses -- "I'm depressed and this is the only way I can handle it." "My mind runs so fast, and pot is the only thing to slow it down and keep me sane and level." I should have realized how bad it was when he sent me to a large city on a train at night to meet someone to buy him pot. Me, his wife, and he was willing to risk my safety for his pleasure. We even had to "find stuff" on vacation. He even tried to suck me in. When I had my daughter, I will never, ever forget when we were in the hospital and I was recovering from a painful and complicated c-section. The nurse would come in and give me two pain pills. He convinced me to slip one aside for him. And the worse part is - I DID IT. To this day, I cannot understand why. I think I would rather he cheated on me with a woman than cheated on me with drugs. I don't know what to do any more. Whenever I talk to him, I end up feeling guilty. He's the one having the problem. He's the one suffering. He's the one trying to battle this. Me, well, I'm the supportive one - have to be there for him. Never once has he ever considered me in all of this. Sure, he's said sorry in tearful words, but then turns around and repeats his actions. I just want to drive off a cliff. Seriously. I have thought about it so many times. However, I have a little girl who depends on me and who I love and adore. I also have a husband who depends on me and who I love and adore. However, that love is being tested over and over again. As I told my father, I am a tough cookie. As my father responded in kind, even the toughest cookie begins to crumble. I have now crumbled and am at a loss. If I ever lost my husband, I would be lost. However, we cannot continue on this path . It is not healthy for anyone, but especially my little girl. Our little girl. The one person I thought would make him change his ways. HELP!!!! I don't know how to go forward any more. I am loosing faith in everything. I am crumbling.

This is my post from yesterday, which someone kindly shared that the thread I wrote this on was old, so to reach out for more advice. Interestingly, I wrote that while my husband was a a meeting. However, after that meeting, he didn't come home until 1 a.m. (it was a 7 p.m. meeting). Being that this is absolutely not like him . . . he's never done this before . . . I was worried. I reached him about 9 p.m. and he said he went to a pool hall with people he met at the meeting and they were exchanging numbers. That led me to believe he'd be home soon. After that, he didn't answer his cell. From 11 p.m. until 1 p.m., I thought he was dead in a ditch or had been arrested. I called the police department, and I called the local hospital. Since he was at neither, I then felt he was in a bad place dead in a ditch. That was the longest two hours of my life! When he came home, he couldn't understand WHY I was concerned. Okay, that was so bad - it means he never once considered my feelings or that I was home with our daughter. Today, he was depressed and withdrawn, and sweating. He swears he didn't do anything other than have a drink . . . he says the sweating is from him taking too much of the medication (Adavan?) from rehab. I just don't know what to do any more or how to react. I feel him slipping away and not wanting to help himself. He did not go to a meeting today. HELP ME! I am at a loss.
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Old 08-25-2009, 07:08 PM
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Welcome to SR, though sorry for why you are here. I was trying to respond to this and my computer froze up so will try to keep this short.

I am a recovering addict (RA) as well as have loved ones who are addicts. I can tell you from the RA side, there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him want to seek recovery..that's got to be his choice.

You may want to check out al-anon or nar-anon meetings, as they will help you with support for the person you CAN help...YOU, which in turn will help your daughter.

You didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it..the 3 c's, though most of us certainly try over, and over before we finally accept our powerlessness against the addiction.

I hope you read the stickies (at the top of this forum) and other posts. The more you learn about addiction and how not to enable him, the faster you will allow him to hit his bottom and maybe seek help. No matter what HE does, you can find out how to live a better life for you and your daughter, without it being ruled by addiction.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:07 PM
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hi welcome, i agree with impurffect, there is nothing you can do to help him or get him to help himself. he has to want it for himself. i'm a recovering addict married but seperated after 21yrs of trying to help and sticking by my husband which by the way, it almost literally drove me insane. many days i wanted to drive off a cliff somewhere but i too had kids (7) who needed me, so i do understand how you feel and i'm truly sorry.

take the focus off him, allow him to suffer the consequences of his action and pray that he finds his bottom soon.

you say you'd be lost without your husband but is he really there when he's there? its the drugs, this behavior that you described above, is just how addicts are. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, keep reading and keep posting. i agree that meeting are very helpful for you. the way you are feeling right now is also common for those who loves an addict and we need to help too.

i think by coming here and reaching out, you are well on your way. its not easy but one day at a time, it will get better even if he decides he's not quite ready to yet. i'll say a special prayer for you and your family.
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:20 PM
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Welcome. Your post is very moving.

You write,
"Whenever I talk to him I feel guilty."

When the addict isolates us...as he always does....our emotions are at his mercy and he will manipulate them to protect his addiction at all costs. So, he has you just where he wants you: feeling too guilty to set a rock hard boundary, a rock hard emotional bottom line about whether you will live with an active drug addict and allow your daughter to be raised by one.

You will be unable to make good decisions or escape this web without help. Alone, isolated from support, we are unable to fight for ourselves and our children. Addicts are too powerful.

I'm glad you reached out. You need some face to face support with people who really understand the mind games of the addict/codependent marriage. I hope you'll seek a counselor with this expertise or find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting (family members of drug addicts will probably be better able to set you on course) and attend every week.

I hope things get better. I hope he works a real program.

Do take care. Protect your child.

Bluejay
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Old 08-25-2009, 09:20 PM
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The stickies at the top REALLY helped me get a better understanding of what I was dealing with. It ultimately helped me make better decisions as well as to see my role in the dance. I am sorry you are having such a dificult time. I TOTALLY understand the confusion, pain, and onslaught of emotions. Hang in there, start reading .
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Old 08-26-2009, 06:50 AM
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I wanted to say that I also understand how you feel. You are not alone. The support offered by the group of people on this forum is amazing and I hope that coming here helps you as much as it's helped me. I felt totally crazy when I first came here because I didn't realize how much of my abfs actions were typical of addiction. It helps to know you're not alone. Give yourself time and give your brain time to process everything you're going through. I've always thought that I was a tough cookie too. But you're dad is right, even the toughest cookie can crumble. And if anything can do it, it's addiction. Take care of yourself.
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Old 08-26-2009, 07:04 AM
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Lostnhurt,

Welcome. I'm sorry for why you posted but I know that the experience, strength and hope you'll find on this forum will help you cope.

My son is the addict in my life, he is 28 yrs old and currently living in a sober house going to out patient treatment 3 days a week.

If you can, check out NarAnon or AlAnon meetings. I attend one meeting of each a week. When I first went to a NarAnon meeting it really depressed me, I didn't even go back for about 3-4 months. But I have been going faithfully for a little over a year now and my fellow meeting attendees are like family to me now. I've been going to AlAnon for about 2 years and am really getting into the groove of the program working for me (I was slow to give up and let go!)

Good luck and stay close to this forum, it helps!
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Old 08-26-2009, 05:00 PM
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Thanks everyone!

I now don't feel alone, and it's really great talking to people who understand. His parents are convincing him to go into a treatment facility long-term (of course, they are not the ones left home with a child, house, full-time job and no support). I don't know if their guilting him to do it will work, or backfire. I am sitting tight and letting him make his own decisions, because only he can do this. I can't. Selfishly, I don't want him gone for that long. But, ultimately, perhaps it will help him. However, he hasn't even started the outpatient program yet. He is just not the type who would ever handle being in a place for that long. He'll literally go insane! He's a very smart guy (yes, dumb choices, but we're talking menses smart here). I just don't know what he should do - but I feel it should be his choice. Not his parents, not mine. Any suggestions?
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Old 08-26-2009, 08:48 PM
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I agree that it should be his choice, but in all honesty, he probably doesn't know what he needs as far as treatment at this point. HE probably thinks he needs very little treatment, can "do it on my own" kind of thing. There are people he can see, intake people, or doctors who deal with addiction (addictionologists) who, if he is HONEST, can guide him as to what kind and what length of treatment he needs. Just be prepared...usually, the longer treatment IS better. We addicts are usually in pretty strong denial of our problem and it takes a while to get through that.

He is perfectly capable of making all the phone calls, appointments and decisions without any help from you or his parents, just as you said. Yes, you will be left at home with all the responsibility but if his addiction progresses, I promise you, that's what's the likely outcome anyway as he may be there physically, but he will be high more and more or he will just start not coming home for periods of time.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 08-27-2009, 07:05 AM
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Lostnhurt,

Your husband needs inpatient help. The problem is he also has to want it. He can go through the motions but if he is not truly ready to stay sober and do the work he will just go back to his old ways. You can not change him but you can take care of yourself and your daughter. You say you love him and don't want him gone that long but do you really want to keep living like this? My son is my addict and I know how hard it is to live with one. The thing is you are being manipulated and you can't see it. We love our addicts and I always hated the term enabling because I felt as a mother I was only helping but I have come to see that my "love/enabling" has helped prolong his addiction. I have just recently been learning to step back, this is his journey not mine(I know it is easier said than done). If he chooses to ruin his life I can no longer let him continue to ruin ours. Rehab is not always the answer (sometimes it takes several tries) but I doubt he could do this on his own. They need all the help they can get. It is not as easy as them saying I will stop. I too do not understand how a child could not make them want to stop but read this forum there are many addicted parents. Hang in there and start putting the focus on you and your daughter. I pray that he decides to focus on his recovery. Best of luck.
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:06 AM
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There are many people who are "forced" into treatment and don't really want to be there. A big part of the treatment process is to work through that and help them to get honest with themselves and everyone around them. After they get honest, they realize they really do need to be there and then begin to work the program. Some people "get it" within a week-10 days. Some it takes a month....or longer. That's why the length of treatment varies from patient to patient. The specialists say ideally it should be at least 90 days! I wish everyone could stay in treatment for 6 months.

I know you don't 'want him gone that long'....but the alternatives are much worse.

Please keep coming back ... SR is a wonderful place to work thru all this stuff you are going thru.

(((Hugs)))
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Old 08-27-2009, 08:53 AM
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As a RA myself, I suggest some therapy or counseling so you can have good tools to deal with your feelings and emotions and set good boundaries. Alanon/narconon can help the family understand and cope with the addict.
Nobody can make a person be an enabler. That comes from not having solid healthy boundaries. But you can learn how to set boundaries and stick to them and a counselor can give you a ton of support through all of this.
I think 90 days in rehab is plenty. Six months maybe for some that are in heavy denial of being ill but the tools are given to the addict in the first 30 days. I personally would have gone screaming mad if I had stayed one more day past 90. But each person is different, unless you've actually been in rehab it is easy to think staying there longer would be helpful. I got what I needed fast and early and the rest seemed punitive and less about the recovery and more about rules.
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Old 08-27-2009, 11:11 AM
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Lostnhurt-Welcome to SR, sorry the pain of dealing with an addict is the reason why you are here.

The folks before me have posted wonderful comments but I do want to add something-you say you selfishly don't want him to be him gone that long in a treatment program. Speaking from experience, when my AH (addict husband) went to rehab it was some of the BEST time for me. I know that sounds horrible, but I actually had PEACE in my life when he was gone. I was not worried about where he was, if he was using, taking money out of our account, etc. etc. etc. I knew exactly where he was and that he was trying to get help. It was a great time for me to focus on ME and not be so consumed with HIM and HIS ADDICTION. I also agree with tjp, I wish all treatment centers would keep addicts for AT LEAST 90 days. My husband has been to impatient twice and he hasn't stayed longer than three weeks, he stays sober for a while and then, he is right back at it.

Try to focus on YOU because the is the only person you can control and take care of that little girl of yours-she is the most important thing. Also, I agree that you should seek counseling for yourself and/or attend a meeting if one is available in your area.

Good luck to you and keep coming back, reading and posting.

-Daisy
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Old 08-28-2009, 07:07 PM
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Welcome to SR, you made the first step in recovering youself. Addicts have a way of deflecting blame and guilt to others. They are very good at it. You can not change him but you can change yourself. It is not easy and a very long process. Your daughter needs you healthy and happy. The addicts in our lives will drain us emotionally and, financially. When we love someone and see they are hurting themselves our first reaction is to want to fix the problem. Only he can do this. You say you dont want him gone that long. I wish all programs were six months or longer. I too believe the longer they stay the more tools they are given to cope with there addiction. Please keep coming back to SR many wonderful, knowledgeable people here who truly care.
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Old 08-30-2009, 06:12 PM
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All, well, the update is he went to a doctor this past week who prescribed the stuff that kills the cravings and, if he takes something, will completely kill the high. The doctor felt that if he stays on this program for well over a year, and goes to intense therapy weekly, he will do well. So far, my husband is committed to make this change in his life, so he is attending meetings, etc. Plus, if you don't see the doctor on a regular basis, he will pull you from the program, so he has no choice. My fingers are crossed that this works and he stays committed to it, otherwise he knows he will have to go into a program long-term away from home. Please keep him in your prayers that this works. I am not stupid enough to believe this is it, I only pray that it is. I will, probably forever, always wonder what he is doing, and all of that, but I realize that is a part of being married to an addict. I will always be fearful and suspicious. I did attend a meeting this past week, but what I didn't like was that nobody can offer advice (you can't tell someone what to do). I was hoping it was a more open, talkative forum. Pherhaps I didn't go to the right one. I am going to go one more time, and then try Al-Anon. Any suggestions on that front would also be helpful.

I'm hanging in there - way too much on my plate right now. My job is a disaster (okay, I HATE IT), my husbands job could be on the line because of this, my parents are not in the best of health and situation, but there is a light - there is always a light. My daughter is healthy, she's happy and she seems to be doing really well through all of this. That is a gift in and of itself.
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Old 08-31-2009, 10:08 AM
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Wow I feel like I am reading about my life, and I feel like my Husband is cheating on me with the pills and lies.

My Husband's family confronted him and told him it had to stop. He went through rehab a few years ago on his own.

I need help with my next step, I have asked mine to leave and he hasn't. Last night after I refused to give him money for his pills (which he steals from me whenever I have surgery) he told me he was going to stab me with his steak knife. I haven't spoken to him since.

I just wish I knew how to pack up his things, the song 50ways to lose your lover goes through my head but those seem way too easy.
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Old 09-05-2009, 04:51 PM
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I am very fortunate in that my husband has never been violent. The only time he yelled at me, enough to scare me, was when he was dealing with his psychotic mother (she's a nut job, to say the least). I tried to force an intervention between them, and he got really mad. Other than that, through it all, he's been very loving. I do realize he has a disease. So far, the Sarboxone treatment is going really well. He is sticking with it, going to his meetings, attending all appointments, etc. He is fully committed to this. He said he has never felt better in his enire life. He knows reality - some day he will need to wean off the Sarboxone, but right now, with therapy, he's doing great. It's the most honest he's been with himself since I've been with him.

I am not stupid to think he's no longer an addict. This will be with us for life, but as committed as he is to making things right, and the fact that his case "wasn't very severe," I am hopeful he will be able to learn to deal with his problems in a much healthier way.

Fingers crossed.
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:21 PM
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Your husband may have addictive disease but he is not, and should never be, the most important person in your family, the one around whom all others orbit.

I'm glad he has started some recovery. Make him accountable as an adult to deal in an adult way with his disease.

But always be careful not to make him #1. With everyone else a distant second.

One of the worst things for an addict is people allowing him to be the center of the universe.

No one wins. Things get worse.

Do take care,
you and your little girl,
Bluejay
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:42 PM
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very well put bluejay. those words are becoming a sort of mantra for me while i'm learning this disease.

lostnhurt - wishing you and your husband the best with his recovery. it's great that he seems to be heading in with a committed attitude. i hope for both of you that it continues!
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Old 09-20-2009, 01:25 PM
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im so sorry to interupt but can someone please tell me how to start a new post off as im new and in dessparete need of advice , thanks emma x
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