lost84

So after 2 months of not knowing if my ex was lying or not, it was confirmed through a friend he IS seeing a new girl.. and im oppisite of this girl in every way. This girl is a huge partier and very skinny, looks dirty to me.. (but jelousy does suck)
I guess im posting because all hope literally just came crashing down and its obvious this time my ex isnt coming back.. ive been battling emotions of happy and sad for quite some time and im ready for them just to go away now.
I really just hate thinking shes getting the best of him and he is treating her how i wished i was treated.. i have been told so many times thats not the case yet my mind doesnt let it sink in.

So many thoughts run through my head and it hurts so bad...

Today was really hard for me, when i found out forshure i just want to call him. I didnt make the call.

Thanks SR for being here for me through this

28Days

Hi lost...I too feel that sting too.

If he is still in active addiction, then trust me when I saw, if he is treating her better, it will end. What I have been telling myself, now that there's a hint of a new girl, is that if he's treating her well, it's just so he can suck her in, and then take her for all she's worth. Use her just like he used me. It also helps that I know she's into the drug scene too, and clearly won't bother him about his use. That's all addicts want.

I'm glad you didn't call him. I'm really sorry that this is happening..but the day was bound to come right? Just remember, if he's in active addiction, nothing has changed. You don't want all that again. And don't let thoughts of "oh well it's not that bad. it wasn't that bad" creep in (as I have let happen...).

I know it stings a lot, but it's nothing to do with you. More than likely it's not that he doesn't care, or that he doesn't want you back or anything like that. Those thoughts haven't even crossed his mind, more than likely. I'll bet the only thought is supporting his habit.

Freedom1990

Who of us hasn't been on our best behavior when we first start seeing someone? I'm guilty as charged.

Then at some point the 'honeymoon' is over, and we get to see some of perhaps the more irritating, or even uglier side of someone, and of ourselves.

I can't expect others to treat me with respect, caring, and dignity if I'm not even doing that for myself.

I spent years in relationships trying to fill that void inside, and with a dysfunctional man every time. The results were less than spectacular. As a matter of fact, they were extremely painful.

Filling that void was an inside job, and I finally understood that. Here I am at age 51, in my last year of college, and I feel soooo good about that! There isn't a man on earth that can make me feel that good because baby, I did it by myself, and for me!

They say the best revenge is living well. Get out and start doing things for yourself that will boost your self-esteem. Challenge yourself and step out of your comfort zone.

He doesn't give a rat's butt how long you sit around being miserable and fantasizing about how great it is with the new GF, guaranteed.

teke

i feel basically the same way about my ah. it only gets worse and if my ah had someone to treat better, it won't last forever because he won't be able to hide his addiction and destructive behavior for long. either she'll get worse and he leave, he'll get worse and she leave or they will both get worse and both leave and more than likely turn back to a previous comfort zone it its still open for more of his drama and pain.

i think you are doing really good even if it don't feel like it right now to you. you will get through this and be really proud you tough it out.

splendra

((((lost84))))

Years ago I threw my H out of the house he immediately started seeing someone else. It hurt me so bad and I did not have this forum here to help me see I was better off. My alanon sponcer tried to help me see that it was for the best but she did not have the time to give me the support I needed to let him go. I got him back and God I wish I hadn't it has been a terrible journey and he is still here 9 years later of an 12 year relationship.

I know the pain you are feeling I really do but he is not worth it. Don't be like me. Feel the fear and keep walking I am sure it will become less the farther away you walk.

truthhurts

The imagination is a powerful thing.

I can almost guarantee you that whatever imagined "good times" that your mind is convincing you that your ex-addict and his newest victim are enjoying are just that...figments of your imagination.

Honestly, when my ex-addict hooked up with his last girlfriend, I mostly felt pity for her. Keep working on you, don't let your imagination get the best of you, put one foot in front of the other, "fake it till you make it," and I assure you that someday, you will pity any new "friends" that your ex-addict sinks his claws into.

Butterfly14

Lost,,

In my experience, an addict is in love with only one girl...and that would be the the drink or the drug. everything else and i do mean everything else is used as a means to that end.

I know your hurting but Let's Reframe this and put you in the power seat. YOU were not willing to be a part of the addict lifestyle,,,you said NO. He did what addicts do, find someone willing to go along with and partipate in that life.

You took the high road now stay the course. I am rooting for you!!!

lost84

thanks i am hurting but i knew this was coming and now i know 100% its true. i just see the difference between me and his new girl and wonder how he doesnt... i do know he likes people who are "fun to party with" and because i dont do cocaine nor drink days in a row without sleep IM the depressing one? hahaa.. i just ned my mind to stop playing fairytale with his new relationship... 2 people who party in a relationship can only work for so long right?

truthhurts

I am certain that they have a "relationship" in the very loose-est possible terms. Addiction destroys all relationships, given enough time.

What exactly are his redeeming qualities again? What exactly does he have to offer someone who is whole, healthy, and fulfilled? Probably not very much.

Water seeks its own level, my dear. Always remember that.

rayofsunshine

Although I was the one who asked my ex to get out, It did still hurt when I found out he not only had a new GF, he was living with her at the drug dealers. It hurt, but it also gave me a resolve to NEVER take him back. I needed that because I was weak.

I did ask him about it later... he said she wasn't GF, she was a companion, because he had no one in this world who loved him. (He had a wonderful wife, 3 kids who he abandoned for the drug .. but once I set boundaries and he continued to use I had to let him go... he stole gas from his parents cars so they were done with him too, but he did all that to himself.) I didn't even feel sorry for him when he said that.

Your ex probably feels more comfortable being able to use his DOC and not have anyone complain about it or nag him to quit... it's not really personal it just is what it is. (Sad and hurtful.)

It's lonely at times, but it is SO much better than living with the front row seat to addiction. Just continue to work on YOU, do nice things for yourself... bubble baths, get your nails or hair done... or a nice latte etc, and keep posting!

IPT

These people have said great things already. Man, I understand how much learning that can hurt. Then our minds go crazy all over the place. We get all worked up about what may or may not even be happening in reality.

Like people said put the focus back on you. I sort of had a hard time getting that…I do now though. I was “doing things” for me but all the while my mind was focused on her and what she was doing, what I did wrong, etc, etc. I have now learned that what that really means is keep your mind in the moment and in your world. As soon as your thoughts drift to him, or what he is doing repeat “it doesn’t matter” three times and get back in YOUR MOMENT in YOUR WORLD, not a distant one in your head that may or may not even be happening in the real world.

Once I thought my exagf lied and went to a hockey game with her family when she told me she was home sick. I almost paid the $20 to go and just see if she was there. I WISH I DID. Seeing her there and HAVING THAT CONFIRMATION would have helped me tremendously. No more limbo, questions, or reason to wonder. It would have hurt like hell, but it also would have pushed me over the edge and TREMENDOUSLY helped my ability to heal and move on. Maybe try and see that new information from a different perspective…..

nytepassion

He has a new girl friend now, but the truth is he has been cheating on you all along.

We don't tend to think of drug addiction/alcoholism as cheating, but imho it is very much like it.

He stays out all night with her (her=his drug of choice) he can't wait to see, touch, smell, taste her, spends all kinds of money on her, takes her with him wherever he goes, adores her, talks to/with his friends about her, leaves you at home to go be with her, lies about being with her, guards and protects her, hides her from you, brings her home with him, the list goes on and on and on.....

For those of you who don't know Scott he was my husband who lost his life to his addiction - Google his whole name if you'd like to read his story. If google leads you to his myspace page you will find a link to his official online memorial site that tells his story in detail.

Lost, I know you are hurting and I know you are confused, however I would like to encourage you to take that energy that you are wasting on thinking about how she must be getting the best of him and you lost out on more someone more important and that someone is YOU.

YOU have started your journey into recovery and I hope you will continue reading and learning about enabling, codependency, detaching with love, maybe hit a nar-anon meeting in your area. YOU deserve better and he isn't capable of giving you what you deserve, but you can give yourself the gift of recovery that will bring you into health and wholeness of the mind, heart and soul if you just keep walking the path before you.

Hugs,
Passion

Learn2Live

The way I feel now about my "ex" and any new person in his life?

She can have him!

Lost84, you'll get there, don't fret girl, you'll get there.

lost84

okay so a guy who i have been blowing off because of being heartbroken over my ex abf i finaaaaaly decided F this, i am young i am beautiful I AM GOING OUT ON A DATE, ahhh so nervous i cant explain it but so excited, it was a gorgeous day and im so sick of staying home SAD like what a waist of life. he has a new gf so wtf am i doing staying in im the one whose going somewhere in life so i am GOING OUT!!

LOVE SR and my supporters xox

Blackrose56

that's still my biggest problem 4 years after I threw my ex out. A month later he ended up with an old gf. And it hurt. She was nothing like me. And a rehab counselor told me something I will never forget. "An addict in active addiction does NOT love, they take hostages." But I kept wondering if she had the life we had when he was clean and sober...before his relapses. Because at one time I had a good, kind, loving man who I have known since he was a child. But crack and booze took him away. And I kept praying that some day he'd find his way back to clean and sober. 2 years later he called me. His daughter had died at 19 of a drug overdose. The old gf had finally thrown him out for the last time. As for his life the last 2 years...he's gone steadily downhill. His drinking and drugging has progressed. We talked for several months and one day he told me he met this wonderful girl. Two months later he called and told me the truth. She was a girl he picked up in a crackhouse..druggie with severe mental issues. And he asked if he got clean again, could he come out here. And one month later, he married the woman. But he says it's not like I think and he can't figure out why it hurt me. And I said...What's wrong with me...that he'd want that?? My therapist said to me.."What's wrong with him that he doesn't want to be with the woman he loves?" And lastly, I was told...LOVE has nothing to do with why he married her....it's survival..it's someone who condones what he's doing. And she's in the gutter just like him. Right now...I'm too good for him and he knows I would NEVER let him use around me again. With me..he has to get clean...with her he can drink, drug and manipulate her. And that's what addicts do?

28Days

Good for you lost!

I'm proud of this attitude. You are 100% right. You are gorgeous and you are heading somewhere in life! Let us know how the date goes!!

teke

lost. you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!

Butterfly14

Cynical one,,,Wow, what a great post!!! Thank you for sharing this. I found myself nodding my heard yes, yes and yes the whole way thru reading it!!!!

Lost, You go girl!!! I hope you enjoy your date, you deserve it!!!!

nytepassion

Cynical,

I love reading your post. Though they aren't always easy to swallow *especially* for the newcomers. However, they are right on target and one would be wise to heed the advise therein.

Thank you for what you bring to the table.

Much respect,
Passion

Limiya

good luck on your date Lost
Let us know how it went and how you are feeling.

~Limiya~