The first place I ever felt like I belong
Some_Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Michigan, US
Posts: 16
The first place I ever felt like I belong
So I've been around SR off and on for the past few years. I use to post in the substance abuse forums, and I just started chatting with members in the chat room. Although I have struggled with drugs, I never felt like the drugs were the root of my problems. There's always been something wrong with me that caused me to do the drugs. When I was going on about my life and feelings, one day in the chat room, a woman and advised me to get in touch with Adult Children of Alcoholics, because many of my feelings resembled theirs. It seemed so ironic that I hadn't even mentioned my alcoholic parents, and yet she could tell that was where I needed to go.
I've always thought my parents, childhood, and upbringing were the cause of all the problems I face now. I have all these characteristics about myself I hate and find impossible to change. I've always felt so alone and I thought no one would ever get it. Come to find out these characteristics are extremely common in adult children.
It all makes a lot more sense now. It makes me hate my parents more than myself though and that's not going to help. But now that I know that I am not alone, and I belong to a group of many others, I don't think I'm just a nut case. I know this can be beat.
I don't believe we have ACOA meetings here and I don't like the idea of Al-anon. I'm not religious and I don't like the religious basis of it. I keep trying therapy but it's doesn't feel like its helping. I can never find a therapist I like.
Basically I'm hear for the help and motivation of others like me. I need something to convince me that I can do this and that there is life after the misery. I'm losing hope and I' afraid if things don't change soon I'm going to spiral downhill.
I feel crazy all the time and it makes me wish I weren't alive.
I've always thought my parents, childhood, and upbringing were the cause of all the problems I face now. I have all these characteristics about myself I hate and find impossible to change. I've always felt so alone and I thought no one would ever get it. Come to find out these characteristics are extremely common in adult children.
It all makes a lot more sense now. It makes me hate my parents more than myself though and that's not going to help. But now that I know that I am not alone, and I belong to a group of many others, I don't think I'm just a nut case. I know this can be beat.
I don't believe we have ACOA meetings here and I don't like the idea of Al-anon. I'm not religious and I don't like the religious basis of it. I keep trying therapy but it's doesn't feel like its helping. I can never find a therapist I like.
Basically I'm hear for the help and motivation of others like me. I need something to convince me that I can do this and that there is life after the misery. I'm losing hope and I' afraid if things don't change soon I'm going to spiral downhill.
I feel crazy all the time and it makes me wish I weren't alive.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Welcome to SR, SuicideDoll! Even though this forum is slow at times, you'll find a lot of great stuff here 
First: you're going to feel crazier the more aware you become. At times it will feel overwhelming - especially the anger (in my experience).
But it's also the first step to change. It's almost like someone flipped on a light switch, and now you can finally see the mess in your head. It will be a lot of work to clean up and sort through, but it will be worth it.
Let yourself feel the anger. Write it down - just writing it will help your thoughts organize. I've struggled a lot with my anger towards my parents - especially just the sheer bullsh*t that could have so easily been avoided had they straightened themselves up. I grew up racing around trying to make them happy so that they could be happy with me, and would want to get to know me as more than an extension of their own issues. As a teenager I became very depressed, felt like no matter how hard I worked I was never going to fix what was wrong with my family. I literally could not picture my life in five years. I imagined somehow that everything was going to implode. My world was going to just collapse. I had many suicidal thoughts about the most peaceful way to do it, because deep down I knew that if something - just something - didn't change, I wasn't going to make it. I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore... the pressure that only I seemed to feel, and so was left dealing with on my own.
Then I found ACoA and I started reading. Reading other people's stories, the advice on these forums, the great books out there. I also saw a therapist who helped me un-learn and re-learn some of the bad habits I learned from my parents. I especially learned to deal with the guilt of wanting my own life, but feeling responsible for their happiness. I can't say that everything ended happily ever after, but today I'm in a much healthier place and far beyond what I ever thought I could achieve in my life. I can happily say that I can see a happy future for myself. That I am successful and I am worth it.
Depending on your parents and your role in it all, figuring out how you've been affected is the first step. I posted a while ago about roles in dysfunctional families. It was very eye-opening to read these descriptions because my siblings and I played all of these roles growing up. It really helped me improve my relationships with them as well, because I could finally understand where they were coming from and how they had been affected. What role did you play?
First: you're going to feel crazier the more aware you become. At times it will feel overwhelming - especially the anger (in my experience).
But it's also the first step to change. It's almost like someone flipped on a light switch, and now you can finally see the mess in your head. It will be a lot of work to clean up and sort through, but it will be worth it.
Let yourself feel the anger. Write it down - just writing it will help your thoughts organize. I've struggled a lot with my anger towards my parents - especially just the sheer bullsh*t that could have so easily been avoided had they straightened themselves up. I grew up racing around trying to make them happy so that they could be happy with me, and would want to get to know me as more than an extension of their own issues. As a teenager I became very depressed, felt like no matter how hard I worked I was never going to fix what was wrong with my family. I literally could not picture my life in five years. I imagined somehow that everything was going to implode. My world was going to just collapse. I had many suicidal thoughts about the most peaceful way to do it, because deep down I knew that if something - just something - didn't change, I wasn't going to make it. I just couldn't handle the pressure anymore... the pressure that only I seemed to feel, and so was left dealing with on my own.
Then I found ACoA and I started reading. Reading other people's stories, the advice on these forums, the great books out there. I also saw a therapist who helped me un-learn and re-learn some of the bad habits I learned from my parents. I especially learned to deal with the guilt of wanting my own life, but feeling responsible for their happiness. I can't say that everything ended happily ever after, but today I'm in a much healthier place and far beyond what I ever thought I could achieve in my life. I can happily say that I can see a happy future for myself. That I am successful and I am worth it.
Depending on your parents and your role in it all, figuring out how you've been affected is the first step. I posted a while ago about roles in dysfunctional families. It was very eye-opening to read these descriptions because my siblings and I played all of these roles growing up. It really helped me improve my relationships with them as well, because I could finally understand where they were coming from and how they had been affected. What role did you play?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by SuicideDoll 
I don't believe we have ACOA meetings here and I don't like the idea of Al-anon. I'm not religious and I don't like the religious basis of it.
We do have AA and Al-anon though. I have to be honest however that I have issues with AA and Al-anon and the religious aspects. I saw them both abused in my childhood. My late AF attended AA and my codie mother went to Al-anon.
When my Dad was out his skull he would sit crying, reading the bible or he would quote it at us and tell us that we should be praying. When sober he would never touch a bible, let alone read it.
My Mum abused the first step - she gladly accepted she was powerless. It gave her the excuse to take to her bed and abdicate her responsibilities to her children. Poor her, it wasn't her fault, she did the best she could.
BS / Cr*p - her best was NOT good enough, she failed her children by not getting them out of that craziness. She failed her children by NOT seeking treatment for herself. Guess what - she still does not accept her part in all this.
I guess all I am saying is I too am reticent about Al-anon.
Sending you good luck on your journey, IWTH xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Hi there
I get what you guys are saying (and so many of your experiences ring true for me! It's so amazing to me). I'm in Al-anon. I've been to about 7 meetings. Truthfully, I'm undecided as to whether or not it's for me. The group I attend has a long of long-timers. They all know each other and they have not been very welcoming to newcomers. I am not the only newcomer who feels that way in that group. I'm sticking with it for now and hoping things change, but I completely understand others' reticence.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Hi, I am a newcomer to SR but not to Al-Anon. I am so glad to hear you say this...I went to Al-anon meetings about 2 years ago for a year,,regularly 1 or 2x a week and I too have mixed feelings about it..thought i was the only one,,LOL!! Anyway, I have not gone in awile now as I got disgusted with the clicks in the group and the way everyone talked about one another behind each others back...I was at times appalled listening to this. I myself was welcomed by the group but many newcomers were not so welcome and i felt bad at times for the way some of them were treated or should i say ignored. Anyway,,my fustration grew and eventually i just didn't feel safe to share my inner thoughts and feelings with the group for fear it would be repeated as i had heard done so many times. It made me uncomfortable and I eventually stopped going. I can say that i did meet a few really wonderful people but for the most part i wasn't all that impressed.
I would like to try ACOA and we do have a few meetings in my area. I will be checking out a meeting or two in the coming weeks.
I would like to try ACOA and we do have a few meetings in my area. I will be checking out a meeting or two in the coming weeks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
SuicideDoll, it does get better, but it's not easy.
My mother is the product of an alcoholic family, and is completely unstable. She would throw irrational, threatening tantrums, say awful things to us, even take all our pictures down in the house when she was mad at us. She really damaged my inner self. I got to the point 15 years ago where I said "enough"! and left my family without telling anyone where I went. I was completely on my own, and have been for the last 15 years. I have always fell alone inside and never quite felt I fit in anywhere. I just learned to deal with it, but it was hard. But I worked on myself and choose to live my life with as much happiness as possible. I had to remind myself I was out of the dysfunction and abuse, and that was a better thing. It gave me a chance to change for a better life.
Through the magic of Facebook, I have just recently gotten back in touch with my sisters, aunt/uncle (mom's sister), cousin, and my 3 nieces. It's been overwhelming and wonderful at the same time. We've all done our own growth over the past decade and now talk to each other with very open, honest communication. I never dreamed I would have my family back or that we would be able to talk like we do. My Mom has tried several suicide attempts for attention over the past years, but none of us are paying attention anymore.
I know how you feel. For years, I've always felt different from everyone else. I didn't think anyone would understand me. But through some miracle, I now have people back in my life that truly understand me.
While everyone can't understand you, if you do what's right for you, I feel it will lead you down the right path and to the people who do understand you.
Hang in there.
My mother is the product of an alcoholic family, and is completely unstable. She would throw irrational, threatening tantrums, say awful things to us, even take all our pictures down in the house when she was mad at us. She really damaged my inner self. I got to the point 15 years ago where I said "enough"! and left my family without telling anyone where I went. I was completely on my own, and have been for the last 15 years. I have always fell alone inside and never quite felt I fit in anywhere. I just learned to deal with it, but it was hard. But I worked on myself and choose to live my life with as much happiness as possible. I had to remind myself I was out of the dysfunction and abuse, and that was a better thing. It gave me a chance to change for a better life.
Through the magic of Facebook, I have just recently gotten back in touch with my sisters, aunt/uncle (mom's sister), cousin, and my 3 nieces. It's been overwhelming and wonderful at the same time. We've all done our own growth over the past decade and now talk to each other with very open, honest communication. I never dreamed I would have my family back or that we would be able to talk like we do. My Mom has tried several suicide attempts for attention over the past years, but none of us are paying attention anymore.
I know how you feel. For years, I've always felt different from everyone else. I didn't think anyone would understand me. But through some miracle, I now have people back in my life that truly understand me.
While everyone can't understand you, if you do what's right for you, I feel it will lead you down the right path and to the people who do understand you.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
It makes me so sad to hear that all you guys have a negative feeling about alanon. There is no excuse for any group member to not treat all other members with mutual respect and love.
I'm 52 and my daughter is a member of NA. I think maybe you guys are quite a bit younger than me. IMO, AA and alanon are generally an older crowd. Have you guys ever thought of checking to see if there's a Nar-anon group close by? It's based on the exact same principle (12 step) and I bet they'd welcome you even if your parents' problem wasn't narcotics. As a general rule, the NA/Nar-anon groups tend to be a younger crowd.
There's also the possibility that you could start your own group if you are aware of some other people in your area that are not happy with your current group. You can go to the AA website to get information on that.
As far as the religious aspect goes, I am agnostic. I was taught from the beginning in Al-anon that your Higher Power doesn't have to be "God" as the Christian religion teaches it. Your higher power can be anything that gives you inspiration when times get tough or you need help. For many people, their NA/AA group is their higher power.
I wish you all luck and am so glad that you found this site since you are having problems with meetings. You can attend meetings here and it's there for you 24 hours a day. I don't know how I would have made it through the last couple of months without this site.
I'm 52 and my daughter is a member of NA. I think maybe you guys are quite a bit younger than me. IMO, AA and alanon are generally an older crowd. Have you guys ever thought of checking to see if there's a Nar-anon group close by? It's based on the exact same principle (12 step) and I bet they'd welcome you even if your parents' problem wasn't narcotics. As a general rule, the NA/Nar-anon groups tend to be a younger crowd.
There's also the possibility that you could start your own group if you are aware of some other people in your area that are not happy with your current group. You can go to the AA website to get information on that.
As far as the religious aspect goes, I am agnostic. I was taught from the beginning in Al-anon that your Higher Power doesn't have to be "God" as the Christian religion teaches it. Your higher power can be anything that gives you inspiration when times get tough or you need help. For many people, their NA/AA group is their higher power.
I wish you all luck and am so glad that you found this site since you are having problems with meetings. You can attend meetings here and it's there for you 24 hours a day. I don't know how I would have made it through the last couple of months without this site.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia (the state, not the country!)
Posts: 108
Thanks
Hi Leelee!
I'm glad I found this group too. I do plan to stick with al-anon for now ... I'm hoping that if I become more of a "known" member of the group I might gain more acceptance. And to do that, I just have to continue to go back. But I think this site and group can be helpful for me, too.
I do like your NA suggestion, though. I hadn't thought about that. If I decide to stop going to al-anon, that might be a good option for me. Thank you!:ghug2
I'm glad I found this group too. I do plan to stick with al-anon for now ... I'm hoping that if I become more of a "known" member of the group I might gain more acceptance. And to do that, I just have to continue to go back. But I think this site and group can be helpful for me, too.
I do like your NA suggestion, though. I hadn't thought about that. If I decide to stop going to al-anon, that might be a good option for me. Thank you!
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Interesting you should say that ALANON is generally an older crowd...You are right about that at least that was my experience with the groups here. There were some younger people but for the most part it was an older crowd. I have been to 1 NarAnon meeting years ago i went with a friend as she was having problems with her son and i do remember it being a younger crowd.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
I just remember when I first went to Alanon (I was in my mid-twenties), I was the youngest member there. Everyone was very loving and accepting of me, but I had a hard time finding someone in the group to relate to. They were mainly wives of alcoholics, and I was the daughter of one. There are some very different issues to deal with between the two.
Addicts are addicts, no matter their drug of choice. Be it alcohol, meth or heroine, etc. they have the same thought processes and they create the same chaos in our lives.
I just hate to see anyone not get the help and support for what they are going through. It is a very painful existence being codependent alone.
Addicts are addicts, no matter their drug of choice. Be it alcohol, meth or heroine, etc. they have the same thought processes and they create the same chaos in our lives.
I just hate to see anyone not get the help and support for what they are going through. It is a very painful existence being codependent alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Hi Leelee, I agree most of the folks at ALANON were the wives of alcholics and like you i am also the daughter of an alcoholic. I was in my mid-30s when i first went to ALANON I found it hard to relate....being the child and being raised by an alcholic is different than marrying one...a child cannot escape the craziness but a spouse can. The issues are much deeper when you are raised with a parent who is alcholic...it affects your whole life and all your relaitonships as an ACOA. Anyway, There is an ACOA meeting in my area that i intend to check out soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
