Iwanttoheal

Confession time.

Last night I ran away from Sober Recovery, I deleted all my bookmarks and all my links. I threw away my Toxic Parents book in disgust. Enough, I thought, I don't want this, I don't need this. Quiet little corner of recovery - hah, I thought, it ain't quiet in my head, more like wild chaos and uncontrolled bedlam.

Well, I'm back, whatever I've unleashed, I can't get it back in its box, it ain't going. TBH after a good night's sleep, I'm a lot more balanced. I don't think, even if I wanted, I could go back into denial.

I accept I was abused as a child and continue to be abused as an adult, I accept that I am a co-dependent and addicted to my alcoholic family, I accept that I am so enmeshed in my family of origin that I do not know who I am, I accept that my relationship with my codie mother and brother is unhealthy and not good for me.

I want to heal. I want to be healthy and to have healthy, happy relationships with myself and other people.

I'd like to share a healing moment. Apologies to the pacifists amongst you.

My dh was a neglected and deprived child. He takes great care of this inner child and buys it lots and lots of toys lol. Well his latest purchase was a toy NERF machine-gun. He asked me if I wanted to play with his new toy - my usual reaction is to roll my eyes and say no thanks. Well yesterday I thought, h*ll yes, I want to play. Well running about the house, I WAS the female soldier in Aliens .

It gets better - I spotted a picture of my late AF and codie mother on the wall - well, I let them have it, unleashed the whole magazine of foam bullets on them. Oh the power, the blessed power, I gloried in it - yep I'm crazy, but oh how I enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading, IWTH xxx

takincareome

It's funny, isn't it, how it "won't go back in the box." Once it's out, it's out. And once we start changing the way we think, the way we look at things ... we can't go back into denial.

I know how you feel. Sometimes it just seems easier for me to fall back into my old patterns of behavior. But I can't do it, and I won't do it, because I know myself and my marriage will pay the price if I continue to be my mother's caretaker. (My father is the alcoholic but she is and continues to be profoundly affected by it. I've been her caretaker since I knew how to be.) And frankly, nothing is worth my life; my self-respect; and my marriage. You're worth it too. You know you are.

I laughed when I saw you had the Toxic Parents book. I'm re-reading it, again, now.

Hang in there. I'm new here but I plan to be around often.

worthyoflove

ROTFLMBO!!! That was absolutely priceless! Loved your post. Feels good to allow that inner child to come out and let loose!

dothi

Ditto

Also found that once it couldn't go back in the box - that I couldn't go back into the role which my family had preened me for. It was time to feel able to express myself and be treated with respect.

I have spent a lot of time going back and forth, however, between trying to wedge "it" back into the box while I'm looking the other way. Every time I learn the answer is still no. But those habits are so strong that I can't seem to help myself. So right now my answer is to stay away from the damn box (toxic people in all forms), and let myself just be.

Don't think you took too many steps back. You sound like you're doing really well to me