Do we give him the money?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 17
Do we give him the money?
I found this site the other day and you guys gave me a lot of great encouragement. I have a question about how to move forward with my brother.
When he left here, he was working for my husband (mechanic work). He was being paid per job and when he left, he was in the middle of one job and just finished another but wanted to leave right away rather than wait to be paid.
Now he's emailing me asking where his money is. Do we pay him for this work? I'm so afraid the $250 we send him is going to pay for the drugs that kill him. Also, he wrote out hundreds of dollars in bad checks before he left, and the bank is sending letters to our house. Do we pay some of those instead? We also had to pay money to break the contract on his cell phone. Then there are all the weeks he was supposed to pay us for "rent" that he didn't pay.
My husband is saying no way are we sending him money, but this is just one more thing I'm unsure about. I know my brother is flat broke right now and will probably continue to write bad checks.
When does all of this stop being a roller coaster???? There's always something new to think about.
Thanks,
Kristy
When he left here, he was working for my husband (mechanic work). He was being paid per job and when he left, he was in the middle of one job and just finished another but wanted to leave right away rather than wait to be paid.
Now he's emailing me asking where his money is. Do we pay him for this work? I'm so afraid the $250 we send him is going to pay for the drugs that kill him. Also, he wrote out hundreds of dollars in bad checks before he left, and the bank is sending letters to our house. Do we pay some of those instead? We also had to pay money to break the contract on his cell phone. Then there are all the weeks he was supposed to pay us for "rent" that he didn't pay.
My husband is saying no way are we sending him money, but this is just one more thing I'm unsure about. I know my brother is flat broke right now and will probably continue to write bad checks.
When does all of this stop being a roller coaster???? There's always something new to think about.
Thanks,
Kristy
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I agree with your husband, it's not your responsibility that your brother is broke and making bad decisions. I wouldn't send him the money because it is already owed to you.
I wouldn't pay his bills for him, use the money towards the rent or the phone bill. I know it's hard but don't make his drug like easier for him.
He needs consequences for his choices.
I wouldn't pay his bills for him, use the money towards the rent or the phone bill. I know it's hard but don't make his drug like easier for him.
He needs consequences for his choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Austin Tx
Posts: 1
If he did half a job payhalf the money and noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo do not pay his hot checks, He is a big boy let him take care of his own problems. Sounds mean and cruel but he will not get better until he realizes he has a problem.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Send him an 'itemized' statement totaling up the rent and cell phone costs and deduct what he earned. In all likelihood there will still be a balance owing.
That will also CYA you on payroll.
As to the bank, give them whatever current contact info you have for him and inform them "he is no longer at your address, here is where you can contact him." That is between him and the bank.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
That will also CYA you on payroll.
As to the bank, give them whatever current contact info you have for him and inform them "he is no longer at your address, here is where you can contact him." That is between him and the bank.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
I would ask myself- if this was any other employee who did this, how would you handle it?
To me, I would use the money to pay debts there are (such as rent owed, cell phone) and IF there is anything left over, send it to him along with an itemized statement of where the money went.
I agree that you should also let the bank know where he is to send the bank statements.
If you use the money to pay some of those bad checks to the bank, or to me, even use it to pay some of his current bills-like rent, water, etc- then in a way, you are making it ok for him to continue his behavior.
As long as he doesn't have to make changes (because someone is fixing it for him), he won't make changes.
I had to learn that with my dad. It was very hard, and at times I thought it was mean of me to do. But in reality, it was the most loving thing I could do, and once he knew I was no longer going to take care of him, and no longer going to make everything ok for him, he had to make those changes.
To me, I would use the money to pay debts there are (such as rent owed, cell phone) and IF there is anything left over, send it to him along with an itemized statement of where the money went.
I agree that you should also let the bank know where he is to send the bank statements.
If you use the money to pay some of those bad checks to the bank, or to me, even use it to pay some of his current bills-like rent, water, etc- then in a way, you are making it ok for him to continue his behavior.
As long as he doesn't have to make changes (because someone is fixing it for him), he won't make changes.
I had to learn that with my dad. It was very hard, and at times I thought it was mean of me to do. But in reality, it was the most loving thing I could do, and once he knew I was no longer going to take care of him, and no longer going to make everything ok for him, he had to make those changes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 17
How long did it take you guys to be so strong???? Because I feel like I'm on the verge of caving everyday.
That's a good idea about the itemized statement. I couldn't even begin to put one together though. We weren't very firm on our rent expectations because we thought he was catching up on credit card bills, child support, etc... Turns out, he wasn't. Ugh.
Thanks again for the input! I really appreciate it.
That's a good idea about the itemized statement. I couldn't even begin to put one together though. We weren't very firm on our rent expectations because we thought he was catching up on credit card bills, child support, etc... Turns out, he wasn't. Ugh.
Thanks again for the input! I really appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
How long did it take you guys to be so strong???? Because I feel like I'm on the verge of caving everyday.
LOL, I hear ya!! For me, it's a day by day thing.
I put up with a lot from my dad, who lived with me for about 6 to 9 months after he lost his job and his house from drinking, and then was kicked out of a friend's home and my brother's home.
He was very depressed at the time, and I thought I was doing the right thing by taking him in. The only rule I had was that he could not drink in the house.
Well, he would drink in the house. When I would confront him, he would talk about being so depressed and on and on. Saying exactly what he knew would get to me, because of having dealt with my own depression, and so I would feel bad and give him another chance.
I began posting here, and over time everyone helped me to realize that he wasn't going to make changes while I kept fixing his mistakes for him.
The next time I caught him drinking in the house, I mean totally out of it, I left the house to calm down. I came back and told him he had 24 hours to either leave my house or go into rehab.
While it was probally the hardest thing I ever had to do, I was also very much at peace with the decision because I knew it was the right thing to do. If he ended up homeless, it would be because that was the choice he made.
He tried to guilt me and say 'why are you kicking me out', but I stayed firm and calm. I reminded him I wasn't kicking him out, I was giving him a choice and it was up to him. I could no longer just sit by and support him while he was slowly killing himself.
I came on here ALOT. The people here really and truly helped me keep my sanity, especially when I began to doubt my decision.
My dad did end up going to rehab. He stayed for almost a year, learning better coping skills for his mental health issues (which he never sought treatment for) and learning, basically how to live.
He has had a few set backs, but fortunatly when he began to see the signs he was slipping, he got the help he needed.
Hang in there and keep posting here!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kristyk1 
How long did it take you guys to be so strong????
I had to become a piece of emotional toast before I was truly ready to let go and let God with my now 31 year old AD.
It takes stepping out of your comfort zone and sticking to your guns.
The more you practice it, the easier it becomes. I promise!
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
While it was probally the hardest thing I ever had to do, I was also very much at peace with the decision because I knew it was the right thing to do. If he ended up homeless, it would be because that was the choice he made.
I love what Jessica said here, because it really sums up surviving codependency and thriving in life while still being the loved one of an addict or alcoholic. Once I truly admitted that NOTHING I had done or didn't do would change the behaviors of my A's, that I was powerless over their addictions, that I didn't cause them, could not control them, and couldn't cure them, I truly felt that same relief and peace at heart. Giving my A's up to their own higher powers and letting my A's make the choices they did of their own accord, without my help (and without my money
) helped ME achieve the strength I needed to deal with their abusive and attacking calls. I suddenly KNEW I was doing the right thing by NOT helping them. And the double-bonus was that I felt better about myself as well, immediately, like a weight had been lifted.
If you don't understand how to let go of your brother's addiction and how to keep the focus on you, try reading the stickies above, or some codependency books, or al-anon support books or groups. It's a simple first step: I admit I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, that my life has become unmanageable.... As I admitted to myself that my loved ones were addicts/alcoholics, I admitted to myself that they were out of my control, that I could love them, but was allowed to stop sheltering them from the lessons they needed to learn to realize their own addictions, their own powerlessness. By stopping helping them, I was getting myself out of the way of THEM learning how to deal with their own problems, how to face their own realities, how to make their own choices. And freeing up myself to make my own choices as well.
It's a beautiful thing, admitting you are powerless. It's not scary at all.
I love what Jessica said here, because it really sums up surviving codependency and thriving in life while still being the loved one of an addict or alcoholic. Once I truly admitted that NOTHING I had done or didn't do would change the behaviors of my A's, that I was powerless over their addictions, that I didn't cause them, could not control them, and couldn't cure them, I truly felt that same relief and peace at heart. Giving my A's up to their own higher powers and letting my A's make the choices they did of their own accord, without my help (and without my money
) helped ME achieve the strength I needed to deal with their abusive and attacking calls. I suddenly KNEW I was doing the right thing by NOT helping them. And the double-bonus was that I felt better about myself as well, immediately, like a weight had been lifted.If you don't understand how to let go of your brother's addiction and how to keep the focus on you, try reading the stickies above, or some codependency books, or al-anon support books or groups. It's a simple first step: I admit I am powerless over alcohol and drugs, that my life has become unmanageable.... As I admitted to myself that my loved ones were addicts/alcoholics, I admitted to myself that they were out of my control, that I could love them, but was allowed to stop sheltering them from the lessons they needed to learn to realize their own addictions, their own powerlessness. By stopping helping them, I was getting myself out of the way of THEM learning how to deal with their own problems, how to face their own realities, how to make their own choices. And freeing up myself to make my own choices as well.
It's a beautiful thing, admitting you are powerless. It's not scary at all.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
By stopping helping them, I was getting myself out of the way of THEM learning how to deal with their own problems, how to face their own realities, how to make their own choices.
Because I feel like I'm on the verge of caving everyday.
He'll be okay. Just keep believing that, and keep telling him that you love him.
JMO
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Im sorry you are going through this. it takes a very long time and constantly having to work on our own recovery. I thought a year ago that I had finally hardened to my codie behaviour, but if you read my recent postings again i relasped. When you love an addict it is not easy to watch them spiral out of control, it is devestating. Too learn not to pick-up there pieces is a long process. There are no set rules. SR has truly been a blessing to me. All the wonderful and knowledgable people here are here to listen and offer there advice and stories. It amazes me how much we all have in common. At one point in my life I felt as if there was no one they onlu judged my son the junky. They are our family , our friends people whom we love and care about. The problem is if we dont learn to detatch they will take us down that chaotic lifestyle. glad your here!
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