is this guy AB crazy, abusive HELP?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
is this guy AB crazy, abusive HELP?
#36 (permalink)
Deb42
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 6
How does one react to THIS crazy stuff?
Thank God I found this site. .. these two quotes below resinated with me.
I thought it was me, the first quote below. . .when the guy can't or
doesn't ever say (I feel, or I think) what kind of a person is this?
emtionally unavailable? sick? abusive? (besides the alcohol of course)
I never realized after 11 months of dating this guy who drinks too much
when he does drink . until I read this he has never said "I think or I feel"
what kind of human being is this? . . . .
Also after 11 months 2nd quote below, I have been the same exact
thing, I have been breaking it off frequently and having to explain
how to be considerate and respectful. .. . .
Also there's something else I read on here that said that Quote "when you
try to ask him a question or talk to him when he's drinking, he says
you're trying to start an argument" . . I've been putting up with this
for 11 months also . . .
Sorry this might be long but HE doesn't get it and now (I) don't get it.
He'll say something really hurtful or stupid when he drinks and then
(next day says that I remind him of his X )that I was egging him on
or looking to start an argument. . .like WHAT? . .I'm just looking for
"clarity". He shuts down , rolls over, tells me "STOP, SHUT UP, or the other nite, he said "SHUT UP and ROLL over , go to bed"
stop asking questions, ENOUGH", he tells me "I don't want to HEAR it,
I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear about that, I didn't
need to hear that, STOP, you're repeating yourself". I ask him why
don't you ever tell me you love me, he says "becuase that means
that I will have to move in and/or marry you, I'm like WHAT?
but he says next day, he was just joking, but he said it another
time when he was drinking. He says I double talk and half the time
he doesn't listen to my voice messages becuase he says "why should
I"? . . you repeat yourself in person anyway, so why should I listen
to them? . .like
sorryto go into detail here but I told him DON"T wake me up in the middle of the nite
to have s*x .(only when he drinks) .I said I have a hard time getting to sleep as it is and
he keeps doing it. I feel like it's a form of date rape. .he wont
respect my wishes.. .When I ask him something when he drinks
and he shuts down, next day I'll break it off and tell him I can't
deal with this crap, he won't call for days and then call and
say he's sorry or some dumb excuse and I'll ask why didn't
you call and he'll say "well, I didn't want to ARGUE"!!!!!!!!! Why is
asking questions considered "starting an argument or egging him on?
I don't understand . . . I don't start arguments, I used to be
a counselor , I have very good communication skills, I don't
even know what it means to start an argument!
When I ask him quesitons,(when he's drinking) 5 times in the last
2 weeks he has gotten up and got dressed ready to go home?
(he doesn't live with me, he has his own place)
Like I think he can't deal with reality! But what he says
that I'm the sweetest person he know and the LAST person
he wants to hurt, but I'm repeatedly getting "shut out emotionally
from him" he runs, tells me STOP, or shut up...
I broke it off due to reading on this support forum becuase he
never asks me what I think or how I feel and he doesn't
ever say "I think or I feel" . . . so I'm wasting my time ..
no investment, no relationship, but he's the politest guy
in the world when he's sober (most of the time) but
when he gets mad when he drinks and says ALL the above
the next day, it's all MY fault. . .then he contradicts himself
and GET THIS ? for months he has told me "dont listen to me
when I drink, you have to take me with a grain of salt, take
it in stride" . .it's the ALCOHOL talking NOT me, he says
it's all HIM , then other times he says it's ME"
HElp? . .. I don't want to take him back a 10th time .
What kind of person am I describing? . . ... ..
one more thing . . this really hurt . . . a couple weeks ago, his mom
called while he was at my house and she was upset and crying
and before he hung up, he told her "I love you" , i said " you tell
your mother you love her? never heard that before" . .do you do
that often? . .he said "occasionally when I see someone ABUSING
her, but he abused me verbally (I think) and he never tells me
he loves me?
HELP, am I an instigator? am I asking too many questions?
Is this guy wacko?
thanks for listening, any input would be helpful
what kind of a person am I dealing with? .. .I am cognitively
intact and very intelligent and counseled abused women
myself .. ..I'm burned out from this guy. .. .he's never gotten
physical with me and is the politest guy when he's sober (for the
most part).
What's wrong with him or what's wrong with me?
thanks
Qoute 1
. I got a lot out of it. I have struggled to recognise the manipulation and verbal abuse because, as described in the article, XABF is SO skilled at using words to twist things, is very 'emotionally literate' (yet can never say 'I feel' or 'I think', instead presents everything he says as 'the truth') and to most people, appears a very nice, calm, kind and helpful person.while..
[QUOTE=KMMK;2317076]If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.[/B] [/I]
Deb42
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 6
How does one react to THIS crazy stuff?
Thank God I found this site. .. these two quotes below resinated with me.
I thought it was me, the first quote below. . .when the guy can't or
doesn't ever say (I feel, or I think) what kind of a person is this?
emtionally unavailable? sick? abusive? (besides the alcohol of course)
I never realized after 11 months of dating this guy who drinks too much
when he does drink . until I read this he has never said "I think or I feel"
what kind of human being is this? . . . .
Also after 11 months 2nd quote below, I have been the same exact
thing, I have been breaking it off frequently and having to explain
how to be considerate and respectful. .. . .
Also there's something else I read on here that said that Quote "when you
try to ask him a question or talk to him when he's drinking, he says
you're trying to start an argument" . . I've been putting up with this
for 11 months also . . .
Sorry this might be long but HE doesn't get it and now (I) don't get it.
He'll say something really hurtful or stupid when he drinks and then
(next day says that I remind him of his X )that I was egging him on
or looking to start an argument. . .like WHAT? . .I'm just looking for
"clarity". He shuts down , rolls over, tells me "STOP, SHUT UP, or the other nite, he said "SHUT UP and ROLL over , go to bed"
stop asking questions, ENOUGH", he tells me "I don't want to HEAR it,
I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear about that, I didn't
need to hear that, STOP, you're repeating yourself". I ask him why
don't you ever tell me you love me, he says "becuase that means
that I will have to move in and/or marry you, I'm like WHAT?
but he says next day, he was just joking, but he said it another
time when he was drinking. He says I double talk and half the time
he doesn't listen to my voice messages becuase he says "why should
I"? . . you repeat yourself in person anyway, so why should I listen
to them? . .like
sorryto go into detail here but I told him DON"T wake me up in the middle of the nite
to have s*x .(only when he drinks) .I said I have a hard time getting to sleep as it is and
he keeps doing it. I feel like it's a form of date rape. .he wont
respect my wishes.. .When I ask him something when he drinks
and he shuts down, next day I'll break it off and tell him I can't
deal with this crap, he won't call for days and then call and
say he's sorry or some dumb excuse and I'll ask why didn't
you call and he'll say "well, I didn't want to ARGUE"!!!!!!!!! Why is
asking questions considered "starting an argument or egging him on?
I don't understand . . . I don't start arguments, I used to be
a counselor , I have very good communication skills, I don't
even know what it means to start an argument!
When I ask him quesitons,(when he's drinking) 5 times in the last
2 weeks he has gotten up and got dressed ready to go home?
(he doesn't live with me, he has his own place)
Like I think he can't deal with reality! But what he says
that I'm the sweetest person he know and the LAST person
he wants to hurt, but I'm repeatedly getting "shut out emotionally
from him" he runs, tells me STOP, or shut up...
I broke it off due to reading on this support forum becuase he
never asks me what I think or how I feel and he doesn't
ever say "I think or I feel" . . . so I'm wasting my time ..
no investment, no relationship, but he's the politest guy
in the world when he's sober (most of the time) but
when he gets mad when he drinks and says ALL the above
the next day, it's all MY fault. . .then he contradicts himself
and GET THIS ? for months he has told me "dont listen to me
when I drink, you have to take me with a grain of salt, take
it in stride" . .it's the ALCOHOL talking NOT me, he says
it's all HIM , then other times he says it's ME"
HElp? . .. I don't want to take him back a 10th time .
What kind of person am I describing? . . ... ..
one more thing . . this really hurt . . . a couple weeks ago, his mom
called while he was at my house and she was upset and crying
and before he hung up, he told her "I love you" , i said " you tell
your mother you love her? never heard that before" . .do you do
that often? . .he said "occasionally when I see someone ABUSING
her, but he abused me verbally (I think) and he never tells me
he loves me?
HELP, am I an instigator? am I asking too many questions?
Is this guy wacko?
thanks for listening, any input would be helpful
what kind of a person am I dealing with? .. .I am cognitively
intact and very intelligent and counseled abused women
myself .. ..I'm burned out from this guy. .. .he's never gotten
physical with me and is the politest guy when he's sober (for the
most part).
What's wrong with him or what's wrong with me?
thanks
Qoute 1
. I got a lot out of it. I have struggled to recognise the manipulation and verbal abuse because, as described in the article, XABF is SO skilled at using words to twist things, is very 'emotionally literate' (yet can never say 'I feel' or 'I think', instead presents everything he says as 'the truth') and to most people, appears a very nice, calm, kind and helpful person.while..
[QUOTE=KMMK;2317076]If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.[/B] [/I]
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Deb42 
What's wrong with him or what's wrong with me?
He drinks, to the point of neurological dysfunction. When he puts a toxic substance into his body and it interrupts/damages his physiology, including his brain functions, then his brain ceases to be rational.
You are trying to apply logic to this. You cannot.
You cannot control what he does (drinks, or not; treats you as you deserve to be treated, or not). You can control what you will accept in your life.
Do you want to live with an often irrational person? Do you want the chaos of that irrationality to rule your life?
What are you willing to do for yourself, to create a life that is healthy for you?
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
what kind of a person am I dealing with? .. .I am cognitively
intact and very intelligent and counseled abused women
myself .. ..I'm burned out from this guy. .. .he's never gotten
physical with me and is the politest guy when he's sober (for the
most part).
intact and very intelligent and counseled abused women
myself .. ..I'm burned out from this guy. .. .he's never gotten
physical with me and is the politest guy when he's sober (for the
most part).
Abuse can take all kinds of forms. It is not just physical. It can also be emotional and verbal.
Here's a link to an article in the stickies at the top of this forum on verbal abuse:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ening-you.html
For years I lowered my bar of standards while I was still with my EXAH, and for years after I left him, I continued to settle for relationships that were unhealthy and dysfunctional.
I am intelligent too, but that didn't ensure in any way, shape, or form that I made intelligent choices with men.
I'd suggest you get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I'd also suggest you find Alanon meetings in your area and start attending on a regular basis for face-to-face support so you can start healing.
You can't change a single thing he does, but you can take charge of your life and start setting your standards high!
:ghug2 :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
It's crazy how abuse takes hold of you without you even realising it. I was one of those people who would see stories of abuse in the media and wonder why anyone would put up with it. I wondered how you would lose yourself to the extent that you would accept such treatment. I shook my head and said 'I'm a strong and intelligent woman, I'd never in a million years put up with that rubbish'.
Yet, here I am, a survivor of abuse. I was in an abusive relationship for nearly three years. It doesn't happen quickly.. it's stealthy and insidious.. it creeps up on you. Your boundaries become blurred and eventually rubbed out. Your standards.. those you have for yourself.. get lowered. You learn to accept less.. you learn to expect less. It's a vicious cycle.
It took an event of extreme physical violence to get out. It took speaking to a trained professional to understand quite what happened and how. It took talking to people who understand abuse for me to even accept that what happened was abuse.. it is that surreptitious and sneaky that it (abuse) becomes difficult to separate from 'normal'. I don't think I've shared this on SR before, but I was treated, particularly in the last 6 months of that relationship, like an animal.. to the point that I was forced to sleep like an animal in a make-shift bed on the floor. I was talked to like I was nothing and my feelings were ignored or laughed at or a source for his anger. My de-humanisation was complete.
I have said this before.. but sometimes alcohol is a convenient excuse for unacceptable behaviour.. and being dry, not consuming alcohol, does not always mean that what makes them abusive is dealt with. The question is.. do you want to be around, your self slowly being eroded and that light that attracted him to you in the first place slowly dimming while he figures himself out (that's if he ever figures himself out). You can't do anything to change him.. only he can do that and only he is responsible for that.. but you can do something for you.
Yet, here I am, a survivor of abuse. I was in an abusive relationship for nearly three years. It doesn't happen quickly.. it's stealthy and insidious.. it creeps up on you. Your boundaries become blurred and eventually rubbed out. Your standards.. those you have for yourself.. get lowered. You learn to accept less.. you learn to expect less. It's a vicious cycle.
It took an event of extreme physical violence to get out. It took speaking to a trained professional to understand quite what happened and how. It took talking to people who understand abuse for me to even accept that what happened was abuse.. it is that surreptitious and sneaky that it (abuse) becomes difficult to separate from 'normal'. I don't think I've shared this on SR before, but I was treated, particularly in the last 6 months of that relationship, like an animal.. to the point that I was forced to sleep like an animal in a make-shift bed on the floor. I was talked to like I was nothing and my feelings were ignored or laughed at or a source for his anger. My de-humanisation was complete.
I have said this before.. but sometimes alcohol is a convenient excuse for unacceptable behaviour.. and being dry, not consuming alcohol, does not always mean that what makes them abusive is dealt with. The question is.. do you want to be around, your self slowly being eroded and that light that attracted him to you in the first place slowly dimming while he figures himself out (that's if he ever figures himself out). You can't do anything to change him.. only he can do that and only he is responsible for that.. but you can do something for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
""I don't want to take him back a 10th time."
Then don't.
It doesn't matter that you once counseled abused women. Your thinking is now chaotic, irrational, and thick with denial.
You have yourself been made sick by an abusive man...just like the women you used to help.
My hope is that you see a counselor for yourself, to unravel what you cannot see. And my hope is that you don't go back that tenth time.
Bluejay
Then don't.
It doesn't matter that you once counseled abused women. Your thinking is now chaotic, irrational, and thick with denial.
You have yourself been made sick by an abusive man...just like the women you used to help.
My hope is that you see a counselor for yourself, to unravel what you cannot see. And my hope is that you don't go back that tenth time.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear deb-
it really doesn't sound as if your emotional needs are being met in this relationship.
i agree with bluejay, a counselor might help you sort out your feelings.
it took me one month away from my abf to start thinking clearly about what was really happening. i needed to decompress.
naive
it really doesn't sound as if your emotional needs are being met in this relationship.
i agree with bluejay, a counselor might help you sort out your feelings.
it took me one month away from my abf to start thinking clearly about what was really happening. i needed to decompress.
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
Dear Naive,
BINGO! You hit the nail on the head. I told him this the other nite
when I broke it off on his voicemail. . he shows it physically and
I NEED it emotionally. He has admitted this months ago that he
doesns't show it that way. BINGO!
I need out! I got my needs met by you, Naive, because you validated
what I thought all along! I just needed someone to point it out
to me. (before the verbal abuse he was unemotionally available and
I saw the red flag way back in the beginning, that's why I detached
a couple months ago when we broke up for 3 weeks. I'm not taking
him back. . .I looked up emotional needs and out of ALL that were
listed , I wrote down 30 (thirty) that I don't get from him that i NEED
for it to work. I have to make him history becuase a leopard doesnt
change his spots, I know I'm right becuase his X used to tell
him the same exact thing.. .thank you for validating me and
meeting my most important emotional need of the day!
Debs
BINGO! You hit the nail on the head. I told him this the other nite
when I broke it off on his voicemail. . he shows it physically and
I NEED it emotionally. He has admitted this months ago that he
doesns't show it that way. BINGO!
I need out! I got my needs met by you, Naive, because you validated
what I thought all along! I just needed someone to point it out
to me. (before the verbal abuse he was unemotionally available and
I saw the red flag way back in the beginning, that's why I detached
a couple months ago when we broke up for 3 weeks. I'm not taking
him back. . .I looked up emotional needs and out of ALL that were
listed , I wrote down 30 (thirty) that I don't get from him that i NEED
for it to work. I have to make him history becuase a leopard doesnt
change his spots, I know I'm right becuase his X used to tell
him the same exact thing.. .thank you for validating me and
meeting my most important emotional need of the day!
Debs
Originally Posted by naive
dear deb-
it really doesn't sound as if your emotional needs are being met in this relationship.
i agree with bluejay, a counselor might help you sort out your feelings.
it took me one month away from my abf to start thinking clearly about what was really happening. i needed to decompress.
naive
it really doesn't sound as if your emotional needs are being met in this relationship.
i agree with bluejay, a counselor might help you sort out your feelings.
it took me one month away from my abf to start thinking clearly about what was really happening. i needed to decompress.
naive
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Deb, my axbf and I did the dance of chaos for nearly 3 years. He would leave me EVERY 3 months, nearly TO THE DAY!. Same scenario, same verbal abuse, same.. same.. same.. I have to admit the damage that was done to me psychologically and emotionally was more severe then being with my xhusband who was abusive physically. I have been through a war, make that two and I am still shell shocked. I am actually having difficulty attaching to anyone and find little or no interest in creating a 'love' relationship. I have men coming at me in all directions (including the axbf still texting me daily, and trying to call after 14 months) and I keep them at arms length. So, the long and short of it is, you are being damaged beyond your current concept of abuse. This takes hold deep at the core and is hard to bypass later down the road... I say... RUN RUN RUN... AWAY!.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
Freedom1990,
I tried replying 20 minutes ago and the system woudlnt' let me and I don't
know why.
short . ..i have the book codependent no more and have been to Nar-anon
Ala-non and have been with a pathological liar, survived that, married
a major CON and left him after 6 months and once I reach out for help
I usually come to my senses . . thanks for the suggestions. ..
been there, done that, read the books, attended the meetings.
and hopefully this message will go through.
thank YOU and thanks to everyone else for their insight!
sincerely
Debs
I tried replying 20 minutes ago and the system woudlnt' let me and I don't
know why.
short . ..i have the book codependent no more and have been to Nar-anon
Ala-non and have been with a pathological liar, survived that, married
a major CON and left him after 6 months and once I reach out for help
I usually come to my senses . . thanks for the suggestions. ..
been there, done that, read the books, attended the meetings.
and hopefully this message will go through.
thank YOU and thanks to everyone else for their insight!
sincerely
Debs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 18
Freedom1990,
forgot to tell you this. I found this sight when I was 42 .. .that's why my user name
is Deb42, at THAT time I was devastated by a heroin addict I got involved with.
I joined Nar-anon on here .. I am not new to this website. .but here's the strange
part, . . that guy is my soul mate and treats me with respect and is there
for me emotionally. .. forgot to mention that in the last post .. not new to
addiction, not new to drama ( have a high tolerance for it from my childhood)
now I am 47 and am back trying to get rid of this new abusive drunk!
thanks for the suggestions . .. .
Naive hit the spot ..... I am not getting my emotional needs met .
I WILL get better and move on .. I have healthy guys that want to be
with me , but I won't jump into another anything .. .I need 6 months (at least)
to myself . .this guy I just deleted isn't that good "wolf in sheep's clothing"
I'm too smart for abuse. . . I know the problem that my expectations
of him are too high...he admitted that I deserve better from day 1 and
that one day he would say the wrong thing and it would be over.
he has no self-esteem and hates himself . . but I also told him from
day one that "what your X did to you , I didn't cause and WON"T fix
and I found myself trying to compensate for her and it BLEW up.
I was lying to myself thinking that (I) could make a difference
and in hindsight I know better. I have detached from him 2 months
ago when we broke up for 3 weeks. ..he has admitted that he drinks
too much, he doesn't cheat, doesn't flirt . and I am the first girl that
got his approval ( or was up to his standards) since his X died 3 years
ago . . he told me in the year we were just friends that I was "differnet"
than most girls. . I carry myself well, I'm intelligent, I don't sleep
around, I don't flirt, He let me to believe and TOLD me (I) was different
and "special" . . .what happend up to this point, dunno . .
don't care . . .true colors came out, combination w/ alcohol ..don't
care . .I WANT ME and I told him , I really like you, BUT I LOVE ME MORE!
DONE! leave me alone
thanks for the wisdom!
sincerely
Debs
forgot to tell you this. I found this sight when I was 42 .. .that's why my user name
is Deb42, at THAT time I was devastated by a heroin addict I got involved with.
I joined Nar-anon on here .. I am not new to this website. .but here's the strange
part, . . that guy is my soul mate and treats me with respect and is there
for me emotionally. .. forgot to mention that in the last post .. not new to
addiction, not new to drama ( have a high tolerance for it from my childhood)
now I am 47 and am back trying to get rid of this new abusive drunk!
thanks for the suggestions . .. .
Naive hit the spot ..... I am not getting my emotional needs met .
I WILL get better and move on .. I have healthy guys that want to be
with me , but I won't jump into another anything .. .I need 6 months (at least)
to myself . .this guy I just deleted isn't that good "wolf in sheep's clothing"
I'm too smart for abuse. . . I know the problem that my expectations
of him are too high...he admitted that I deserve better from day 1 and
that one day he would say the wrong thing and it would be over.
he has no self-esteem and hates himself . . but I also told him from
day one that "what your X did to you , I didn't cause and WON"T fix
and I found myself trying to compensate for her and it BLEW up.
I was lying to myself thinking that (I) could make a difference
and in hindsight I know better. I have detached from him 2 months
ago when we broke up for 3 weeks. ..he has admitted that he drinks
too much, he doesn't cheat, doesn't flirt . and I am the first girl that
got his approval ( or was up to his standards) since his X died 3 years
ago . . he told me in the year we were just friends that I was "differnet"
than most girls. . I carry myself well, I'm intelligent, I don't sleep
around, I don't flirt, He let me to believe and TOLD me (I) was different
and "special" . . .what happend up to this point, dunno . .
don't care . . .true colors came out, combination w/ alcohol ..don't
care . .I WANT ME and I told him , I really like you, BUT I LOVE ME MORE!
DONE! leave me alone
thanks for the wisdom!
sincerely
Debs
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi Deb,
I don't know how to highlight so I'll write in between paragraphs.
[QUOTE=Deb42;2340682]#36 (permalink)
Deb42
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 6
How does one react to THIS crazy stuff?
Thank God I found this site. .. these two quotes below resinated with me.
I thought it was me, the first quote below. . .when the guy can't or
doesn't ever say (I feel, or I think) what kind of a person is this?
emtionally unavailable?
He's an emotionally unavailable alcoholic.
sick? abusive? (besides the alcohol of course)
I never realized after 11 months of dating this guy who drinks too much
when he does drink . until I read this he has never said "I think or I feel"
what kind of human being is this? . . . .
Also after 11 months 2nd quote below, I have been the same exact
thing, I have been breaking it off frequently and having to explain
how to be considerate and respectful. .. . .
We shouldn't have to explain how to be considerate or respectful. If they don't know that, then run,run,run.
Also there's something else I read on here that said that Quote "when you
try to ask him a question or talk to him when he's drinking, he says
you're trying to start an argument" . . I've been putting up with this
for 11 months also . . .
Sorry this might be long but HE doesn't get it and now (I) don't get it.
He'll say something really hurtful or stupid when he drinks and then
(next day says that I remind him of his X )that I was egging him on
or looking to start an argument. . .like WHAT? . .I'm just looking for
"clarity". He shuts down , rolls over, tells me "STOP, SHUT UP, or the other nite, he said "SHUT UP and ROLL over , go to bed"
Well first of all he does mean what he says the alcohol just helps him say it. Telling you yo "shut-up and roll over" Are you the family dog? Sounds like a woman hater and abusive to me.
stop asking questions, ENOUGH", he tells me "I don't want to HEAR it,
I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear about that, I didn't
need to hear that, STOP, you're repeating yourself". I ask him why
don't you ever tell me you love me, he says "becuase that means
that I will have to move in and/or marry you, I'm like WHAT?
but he says next day, he was just joking, but he said it another
time when he was drinking. He says I double talk and half the time
he doesn't listen to my voice messages becuase he says "why should
I"? . . you repeat yourself in person anyway, so why should I listen
to them? . .like
This whole previous paragraph is full of put downs and verbal abuse towards you. No respect at all. And what he says about he's just joking "bullcrap" it's his way of not taking responsibility for being a jerk.
sorryto go into detail here but I told him DON"T wake me up in the middle of the nite
to have s*x .(only when he drinks) .I said I have a hard time getting to sleep as it is and
he keeps doing it. I feel like it's a form of date rape. .he wont
respect my wishes..
He's not respecting your wishes about waking you up to have sex. That's disrespectful and abusive.
.When I ask him something when he drinks
and he shuts down, next day I'll break it off and tell him I can't
deal with this crap, he won't call for days and then call and
say he's sorry or some dumb excuse and I'll ask why didn't
you call and he'll say "well, I didn't want to ARGUE"!!!!!!!!! Why is
asking questions considered "starting an argument or egging him on?
About what he says about the arguing, he's try to put the blame and responsibility on you because he's an a##!
I don't understand . . . I don't start arguments, I used to be
a counselor , I have very good communication skills, I don't
even know what it means to start an argument!
When I ask him quesitons,(when he's drinking) 5 times in the last
2 weeks he has gotten up and got dressed ready to go home?
Sorry but he just plain is in it for himself.
(he doesn't live with me, he has his own place)
Like I think he can't deal with reality! But what he says
that I'm the sweetest person he know and the LAST person
he wants to hurt, but I'm repeatedly getting "shut out emotionally
from him" he runs, tells me STOP, or shut up...
I broke it off due to reading on this support forum becuase he
never asks me what I think or how I feel and he doesn't
ever say "I think or I feel" . . . so I'm wasting my time ..
no investment, no relationship, but he's the politest guy
in the world when he's sober (most of the time) but
when he gets mad when he drinks and says ALL the above
the next day, it's all MY fault.
Of course it's all your fault. He's not going to take responsibility for anything. Blaming someone all the time is a form of abuse.
. .then he contradicts himself
and GET THIS ? for months he has told me "dont listen to me
when I drink, you have to take me with a grain of salt, take
it in stride" . .it's the ALCOHOL talking NOT me, he says
it's all HIM , then other times he says it's ME"
HElp? . .. I don't want to take him back a 10th time .
What kind of person am I describing? . . ... ..
one more thing . . this really hurt . . . a couple weeks ago, his mom
called while he was at my house and she was upset and crying
and before he hung up, he told her "I love you" , i said " you tell
your mother you love her? never heard that before" . .do you do
that often? . .he said "occasionally when I see someone ABUSING
her, but he abused me verbally (I think) and he never tells me
he loves me?
And he's not going to tell you he loves you because he's playing the withholding game, he keeps you wanting and he has all the power.
HELP, am I an instigator? am I asking too many questions?
Is this guy wacko?
No you are not and instigator and are not asking too many questions. He's an abusive drunk who is out for himself.
thanks for listening, any input would be helpful
what kind of a person am I dealing with? .. .I am cognitively
intact and very intelligent and counseled abused women
myself .. ..I'm burned out from this guy. .. .he's never gotten
physical with me and is the politest guy when he's sober (for the
most part).
What's wrong with him or what's wrong with me?
thanks
You are dealing with an active alcoholic and you are co-dependent that is what is wrong.
Hope this is helpful.
Ngaire
Qoute 1
. I got a lot out of it. I have struggled to recognise the manipulation and verbal abuse because, as described in the article, XABF is SO skilled at using words to twist things, is very 'emotionally literate' (yet can never say 'I feel' or 'I think', instead presents everything he says as 'the truth') and to most people, appears a very nice, calm, kind and helpful person.while..
I don't know how to highlight so I'll write in between paragraphs.
[QUOTE=Deb42;2340682]#36 (permalink)
Deb42
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Powerless, Pa
Posts: 6
How does one react to THIS crazy stuff?
Thank God I found this site. .. these two quotes below resinated with me.
I thought it was me, the first quote below. . .when the guy can't or
doesn't ever say (I feel, or I think) what kind of a person is this?
emtionally unavailable?
He's an emotionally unavailable alcoholic.
sick? abusive? (besides the alcohol of course)
I never realized after 11 months of dating this guy who drinks too much
when he does drink . until I read this he has never said "I think or I feel"
what kind of human being is this? . . . .
Also after 11 months 2nd quote below, I have been the same exact
thing, I have been breaking it off frequently and having to explain
how to be considerate and respectful. .. . .
We shouldn't have to explain how to be considerate or respectful. If they don't know that, then run,run,run.
Also there's something else I read on here that said that Quote "when you
try to ask him a question or talk to him when he's drinking, he says
you're trying to start an argument" . . I've been putting up with this
for 11 months also . . .
Sorry this might be long but HE doesn't get it and now (I) don't get it.
He'll say something really hurtful or stupid when he drinks and then
(next day says that I remind him of his X )that I was egging him on
or looking to start an argument. . .like WHAT? . .I'm just looking for
"clarity". He shuts down , rolls over, tells me "STOP, SHUT UP, or the other nite, he said "SHUT UP and ROLL over , go to bed"
Well first of all he does mean what he says the alcohol just helps him say it. Telling you yo "shut-up and roll over" Are you the family dog? Sounds like a woman hater and abusive to me.
stop asking questions, ENOUGH", he tells me "I don't want to HEAR it,
I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear about that, I didn't
need to hear that, STOP, you're repeating yourself". I ask him why
don't you ever tell me you love me, he says "becuase that means
that I will have to move in and/or marry you, I'm like WHAT?
but he says next day, he was just joking, but he said it another
time when he was drinking. He says I double talk and half the time
he doesn't listen to my voice messages becuase he says "why should
I"? . . you repeat yourself in person anyway, so why should I listen
to them? . .like
This whole previous paragraph is full of put downs and verbal abuse towards you. No respect at all. And what he says about he's just joking "bullcrap" it's his way of not taking responsibility for being a jerk.
sorryto go into detail here but I told him DON"T wake me up in the middle of the nite
to have s*x .(only when he drinks) .I said I have a hard time getting to sleep as it is and
he keeps doing it. I feel like it's a form of date rape. .he wont
respect my wishes..
He's not respecting your wishes about waking you up to have sex. That's disrespectful and abusive.
.When I ask him something when he drinks
and he shuts down, next day I'll break it off and tell him I can't
deal with this crap, he won't call for days and then call and
say he's sorry or some dumb excuse and I'll ask why didn't
you call and he'll say "well, I didn't want to ARGUE"!!!!!!!!! Why is
asking questions considered "starting an argument or egging him on?
About what he says about the arguing, he's try to put the blame and responsibility on you because he's an a##!
I don't understand . . . I don't start arguments, I used to be
a counselor , I have very good communication skills, I don't
even know what it means to start an argument!
When I ask him quesitons,(when he's drinking) 5 times in the last
2 weeks he has gotten up and got dressed ready to go home?
Sorry but he just plain is in it for himself.
(he doesn't live with me, he has his own place)
Like I think he can't deal with reality! But what he says
that I'm the sweetest person he know and the LAST person
he wants to hurt, but I'm repeatedly getting "shut out emotionally
from him" he runs, tells me STOP, or shut up...
I broke it off due to reading on this support forum becuase he
never asks me what I think or how I feel and he doesn't
ever say "I think or I feel" . . . so I'm wasting my time ..
no investment, no relationship, but he's the politest guy
in the world when he's sober (most of the time) but
when he gets mad when he drinks and says ALL the above
the next day, it's all MY fault.
Of course it's all your fault. He's not going to take responsibility for anything. Blaming someone all the time is a form of abuse.
. .then he contradicts himself
and GET THIS ? for months he has told me "dont listen to me
when I drink, you have to take me with a grain of salt, take
it in stride" . .it's the ALCOHOL talking NOT me, he says
it's all HIM , then other times he says it's ME"
HElp? . .. I don't want to take him back a 10th time .
What kind of person am I describing? . . ... ..
one more thing . . this really hurt . . . a couple weeks ago, his mom
called while he was at my house and she was upset and crying
and before he hung up, he told her "I love you" , i said " you tell
your mother you love her? never heard that before" . .do you do
that often? . .he said "occasionally when I see someone ABUSING
her, but he abused me verbally (I think) and he never tells me
he loves me?
And he's not going to tell you he loves you because he's playing the withholding game, he keeps you wanting and he has all the power.
HELP, am I an instigator? am I asking too many questions?
Is this guy wacko?
No you are not and instigator and are not asking too many questions. He's an abusive drunk who is out for himself.
thanks for listening, any input would be helpful
what kind of a person am I dealing with? .. .I am cognitively
intact and very intelligent and counseled abused women
myself .. ..I'm burned out from this guy. .. .he's never gotten
physical with me and is the politest guy when he's sober (for the
most part).
What's wrong with him or what's wrong with me?
thanks
You are dealing with an active alcoholic and you are co-dependent that is what is wrong.
Hope this is helpful.
Ngaire
Qoute 1
. I got a lot out of it. I have struggled to recognise the manipulation and verbal abuse because, as described in the article, XABF is SO skilled at using words to twist things, is very 'emotionally literate' (yet can never say 'I feel' or 'I think', instead presents everything he says as 'the truth') and to most people, appears a very nice, calm, kind and helpful person.while..
Originally Posted by KMMK
If you find that you are having to explain the basics of respect and courtesy to a partner - if you are finding that he just DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT, when you try to explain why his behavior or actions were disrespectful - run far and run fast. People who are capable of maintaining and contributing to a loving, supportive, healthy relationship, DON'T need to constantly have the concepts of respect, compassion, and consideration explained to them.[/B] [/I]
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
