AS Is Chaos!

Thread Tools
 
Old 08-23-2009, 04:47 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
AS Is Chaos!

22 AS has been living on his own for 2 years. His choice of drug crack. He came up with this bright idea 3 weeks ago he would give up his place and move in with a friend who is an alcoholic and older.Friend is on disability and has used the system most of his life. My family has know him for 18 years. Not until the last couple of years did I realize this guy plays simple most of the time its an act. Anyhow AS moved in paid him a months rent and had the phone turned on. I believe AS moved in there out of lonliness and monetary reasons. We told him it wouldnt work. Well Tuesday I get a call at work from G's superintendent. Turns out AS cant live there as the goverment pays for this apartment. She also said G was quite aware of this and told him AS could only stay 2 weeks. G told him he could live there 3 months and then go on the lease. I swore I would never let AS back in the house. Well after hours of begging us and saying he would stick to the boundaries we agreed to one week. He has been working on and off for a temp agency. He was supposed to get his ID replaced this week ( lost again) among other things. He did nothing but make a mess of my home.
Friday I could see he was really uptight, said he was going to a friends. 4:00 he shaking me to wake up. There is a taxi driver and two police in my driveway turns out he was going to stiff the cab driver. He was high and drunk. The police requested I pay the driver 26.00. Stupid me I did. I let him back in to the house. It was horrible he was running up and down the stairs, locking himself in the bathroom, turning lights on and off. No use talking to him like he slept for a mfew hours. Yesterday when He got up spouse and I told him get out he broke the boundaries. What an argument that was. I dropped him off at a detox centre.
I listened to him whine where will he go when he get out? I have his cat here he shouldnt even have a pet he cant take cae of his self. Then I check my work messages, turns out while he was out getting high he tried to get some women that frequents his favorite bar to cash his paycheck from my company. This women is drunker then a skunk didnt cash it. Again he stole one of my company cheques, couldnt try to cash it at one of those cheque cashing places with no ID. Its like a let a hurricane in to the house this week and he justifies his behaviour. I listened to him cry that hes going to be homeless. Then he tells me hes smoking heroin. After detox he will be on the street. It breaks my heart. When will it ever change.
katie44 is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 04:55 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by katie44 View Post
It breaks my heart. When will it ever change.
Sweetie, it will change when YOU are ready for it to change and not a moment before. He continues the dance of addiction and you continue the dance of codependency (and I say this with love because I danced for years and years).

What helped me was to consider that if I disappeared off the face of the earth tomorrow, my son would still use or find recover and could survive (or not) just fine without me. What helped me was to just get sick of phone calls, police at my door, cheques missing and misused and being lied to and stolen from. It helped me because it brought me to my "enough" point faster and that was when I finally gave my son to God and began taking care of my own health.

Meetings helped me too, they literally saved my life. There are a lot of terrific meetings where you live so maybe you could give them a try and see of they don't help you too.

Keeping you and your son in my prayers because it's painful being the mom of an addict.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 05:06 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Thankyou for your reply Anne. Went to church last week for the first time in many years. going again this morning. I just keep praying for peace. I hate my codie behaviour. I was doing okay then lo and behold I let him back in. he is the master of manipulation. Truth is I knew in my heart not to help him agin, but the tears and threat of suicide broke me. He used this lap top while he was here and just this morning I checked the history he was on a site how to tie a noose.
he is so cunning did he look this up so I would see it, or was he really trying to figure out a way to commit suicide.
katie44 is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 06:00 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Katie)))
My heart hurts for you.

I am the mom of 2 addict sons, one, who is 35 y.o. and currently serving 2 years in prison, and hoping (always hoping, and praying) that his life will change when he is released.
My other son, age 31, "appears" sober for today. lol

The part that amazes me is even though the sons can be using, their brains can manipulate in such devious ways, and I generally was too naive to realize I was being manipulated. (duh) Hopefully, I catch on a little quicker now. (?)

Coming to SR and attending meetings saved my sanity, and also, like you atttending church.


Hugs.
mooselips is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 06:20 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by katie44 View Post
he is so cunning did he look this up so I would see it, or was he really trying to figure out a way to commit suicide.
My son has done similar things... leaving 'suicide notes' not very well hidden. He's more blatant now and I really feel in my gut that he is manipulating. In any case, I know I have to hand it over to HP.

Most recently my son was here for one night as he was looking for a sober house (thankfully found one). In the span of our 2-hour conversation he mentioned suicide probably 3-4 times. He was shocked that I would respond by saying, "If you commit suicide, that is your choice and I have no control over that. I will be heartbroken that you chose it but I will not blame myself! I know in my heart that I did everything I could for you every day of your life. I've given you the best of everything I have to offer. I will not blame myself. If you are threatening suicide only to try to manipulate me, then I tell you I don't deserve this kind of heartache. You have had more opportunities than 99% of the population of this earth and it is up to you now. I also tell you that the next time you mention suicide, I WILL call 9-1-1."

I'm not sure, but I think I saw a lightbulb switch on.

My heart aches for you, katie. I might very well be in the same position a year or two down the road. I pray to God that I am not. I guess the answer is to just keep praying for serenity. :praying
tjp613 is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 06:23 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Truly until addiction affects ones family, it is so hard to relate. people that meet my son think he is charming and oh so honest. The truth is he generally is telling them what they want to hear. Not much truth comes from his mouth. It is to the point we never believe him, so letting him back in the house was not am smart idea. this is a terrible thing to say because I love him but I wish he would just move far away, or end up in jail. At least I would know he was safe and hopefully clean.
Yesterday all I could think was he is like listening to a broken record. On the way to detox he called me a cold b....!. As soon as I let him out of the car I broke down all the way home. I am so sick of his wining and broken promises, I just dont want to hear it anymore.
is that so wrong?
katie44 is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 06:42 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Of course it's not wrong!!! Actually it's a healthy attitude and perhaps one that will move you one step closer to detachment. Nothing at all is gained by being sucked down with him.

I was just reviewing this article this morning.... it helped me.Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM
tjp613 is offline  
Old 08-23-2009, 10:57 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Against my better judgment, I allowed my AD back into my home after she served a lengthy sentence on felony drug charges.

The first two weeks she did a good job of pulling the wool over my eyes. Then the red flags started popping up and I got that sick feeling in my gut.

I kicked her to the curb in a month's time. It was ugly.

I won't ever put myself in that position again.

She's survived quite well on her own, and that was 6 years ago when I kicked her out.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 01:44 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Thankyou for the link on detatchment. printed that off constantly need to remind myself. This codie behaviour is a constant battle. I was doing quite well so I thought until I let him back in to the house. This is not the son I raised he threatened to bring me down with him, he has justified his stealing from us eg. his grandmother left him a large estate fund my spouse and i spent it. My MIL had no money. Told the police and courts he worked for me for a year and I never gave him a paycheque, that is why he stole company cheques. He has told my employees that my spouse and I are nearly broke the list goes on. He is toxic anyone and everything around him he is bent on destroying. I told him I would not be emotionally blackmailed do whatever he has to do. he told my spouse for years i have been banking money behind spouses back.
I knew he was sick but I had no idea he would go to the extent he has gone to destroy us too. He will not be welcome in my home until he is in recovery. As for detox once he is out he is on his own. My nerves cant take much more of this.
katie44 is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 04:35 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
gosh Katie44:

To be honest, i'm jealous of your situation. My 23 AS is living a comfortable life in a house on a lake with a drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend that I'm sure all his guy-friends are envious of. She has a job. Living on the lake is a better lifestyle than he had growing up - that's for sure. So he has absolutely no crises where he is reaching out for help which is what i am waiting for in order to "influence" him into accepting help for his drug/alcohol problem. And probably if he does have a crisis, it is early enough in this relationship with girlfriend that she will bail him out somehow someway.

Katie, try changing your angle of sight here. Your son is a mess, he knows he's a mess, he's desperate, he's vulnerable. This is what hitting a wall can look like.

You did GREAT dropping him off at the rehab - keep that up. Try bargaining - "Gee, honey, we'll talk about what kind of help i can offer you once you are in rehab for your problem. First do that, and then we can start the conversation of my helping you. If you need a ride to rehab, i'd be happy to take you."

Hang in there sweetie, you've come a long way - can you see that in yourself, too?
sojourner is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 12:08 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Truth is I knew in my heart not to help him agin, but the tears and threat of suicide broke me. He used this lap top while he was here and just this morning I checked the history he was on a site how to tie a noose.
This was a bit of an argument here on SR a few weeks ago. Some people (including SR) say always take a suicide threat seriously and dial 911. My brother threatened suicide constantly for years. We got really sick of it. He never killed himself.

Addicts know your wildest dreams and your darkest fears. And they will play them against you; like you said, "emotional blackmail." Sick way of relating to others.

It is my humble opinion that once a child reaches 13, you have done all you can do. They still need guidance and steering for a couple more years, but there's not much you can do to change them after that age. Of course I'm not a child development professional or anything, just my opinion based on past experience, observations, etc. What's my point? My point is this: You are that person's mother and you did your job. You raised him to adulthood, you ensured his personal safety, he was clothed and fed, and as the Mom, you're done. He is a grown adult now. It is not your responsibility to take him into your home.

The reason you are taking him into your home and allowing him to blow through like a tornado and wreak havoc and destruction on your life is because of your OWN fears and your OWN wants. Face and accept your fears, then Let Go and Let God. Face and accept your wants and then Let Go and Let God. Getting what you want will not make you happy. His childhood is over, let it go.

Hang tough. Thanks for sharing.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 12:53 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Katie,
My heart goes out to you right now. I too, was exactly in your position a year ago. As a mother, it has to be the hardest fight we experience as parents.
At this point, i just want to offer you some support and advice.
Everyone is correct here in that you have to draw the line. Whether they chose to obey or cross is now their decision, therefore their consequences.
Unfortunately your son has not reached rock bottom yet. I think this is the hardest part for us, knowing it will happen, it has to happen, but dreading the consequences.
When we allowed our son back home, this time there were no confrontations, no lies, no more covering up for his actions. I never acknowledged any blame for his addiction, as their seemed to be plenty of it to go around.
As i tried to comprehend and understand this demon of addiction, i realized that my son felt as terrible about himself as we felt of him. I also realized i had not touched my son or really listened to him in a very long time. We actually become so guarded in our confrontations, that we miss what they are really trying to tell us. The lies, the manipulations, the blame game, etc. But do we really listen to what they are crying out?
My son has been clean for over 4 months now, has a fantastic job, works out every day, and truly amazes me. There is hope Katie, just want you to re-think your approach.
You will find a wealth of information here, but you alone know your son. Use this knowledge to your advantage. And don't forget, touch your son, and listen to him....
dslalonde is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 01:14 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
stefanie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
Katie,
I have also been in your position with my oldest As (who is in jail now.)He used to threaten suicide and it usually was because I refused to loan him my car or give him money. The last time he did this I grabbed the phone and called 911. The police came within minutes.He never made any suicidal threats after that.
He was also having dealers drop off his heroin at the house..he would meet them at the back of my property. After watching the local evening news and seeing all of the drug related home invasions and violence I realized he had to leave for good since at least one drug dealer knew where I lived!
stefanie is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 03:52 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
He called tonite from detox, he is out on Friday. Again asked to come to our home. I said absolutely not. I dont beleive he is ready for recovery. he told me he is sitting outside the detox and all the college kids are driving by in there cars he said " if he had a license ( lost his ) and an apartment he could start to put his life together. Is that rational thinking? Oh and he could enter a day programme no use in going back to rehab again. my thought is who is going to pay all this? as for the license he has been caught twice street racing so no one will insure him? Then he tells me not to tell his sister he has relapsed ( she is moving back to province in 2 weeks) He has progressively gotten worse in the last year. He drinks all the time, choice of drug crack, and told me the other day he is smoking heroine. mentally he seems off the wall when he is not using. Things that used to come simple seem to have fried his brain. I have a business that is suffering horribly due to the economy, i have been chosen for an audit next week, my daughter is coming home with her BF in 2 weeks to work on her masters and live with us. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. i can not take much more of this i know what I need to do. It is so hard and I know he is playing on me they seem to get you at your weekest point. Is it normal for an addict even when there straight to seem so out to lunch?
katie44 is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 04:11 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Katie,
This is a post from one of the most phenominal women I have had the pleasure knowing.
It is as if she would write these posts directly to me, yet i realize everyone around her benefits from her phenominal insight.
Read this and let it soak in....................




Do you know me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look like someone you used to know. You recongize my voice, but do you know me?

I will lie to you without blinking .. I will steal from you without a second thought ... I will con you out of whatever I deem I want or need from you and I am skilled in the art of manipulation and I know how to work you and get exactly what I want from you. I know all the buttons to push .. all the faces to make .. all the heart strings to pull ..right down to knowing just how to breath around you. Do you know me?

I will take and take and take some more .. as long as you are willing to give I will let you ... and I will do it in such a way that you will think you are offering .. I will have you insisting on helping me ... Thats how good of a con I am. Do you know me?

I am your husband, your son, your wife, your daughter, your mother, your father .. I come in all colors, races and creeds .. I am rich, middle class, poor and homeless .. (different faces in different phases) all headed in the same direction. Do you know me?

Seen at my best .. my worst is yet to come. I'm on top of the world (at least in my world I am) Do you know me?

One minute I will smile in your face and the next I'll verbally cut your heart out. Do you know me?

I am very creative and can condure up elborate stories that will blow you away. I should be a star .. I could win the award for best actress/actor of the year .. year after year.... Do you know me?

I can make you love or hate me in an instant and then take you from hating me to loving me in less time then that. Do you know me?

You will threaten me, throw me out and take me back so many times that you won't know whether you are coming or going. Do you know me?

I can stay gone for hours, days, weeks, months at a time .. and walk back in like I've been home all along ... Do you know me?

I will drain you financially, emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually .. yet you love me. Do you know me?

Let me introduce myself....

I am your addict.

You may not know me, but I know you.
dslalonde is offline  
Old 08-25-2009, 04:53 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
he said " if he had a license ( lost his ) and an apartment he could start to put his life together. Is that rational thinking?
No, that is not rational thinking. And it has nothing to do with Recovery. A person does not NEED a license (and therefore a car) and an apartment to get their life together. PERIOD. A person needs air to breathe, food to eat, and a shelter over his head. Air is free, and food and shelter are availabile to him for free also. If he wants it, he will go and get it. This is a "hook" or a "trigger" for you. Your trigger causes you to react automatically and in the SAME way you have been reacting. Keep reminding yourself, every second if you have to, that you are not going to react to that trigger.

Oh and he could enter a day programme no use in going back to rehab again. my thought is who is going to pay all this?
You. Because you think, "OH, my baby wants to get better! I'll just..." fill in the blank. Tell yourself every second if you have to that you will not react to what this person brings to you, or says to you.

NOTE: ALL of his problems and difficulties are caused by his continued drug and alcohol use. He may really believe that "all he needs is..." and that "outpatient is best for me at this time." But I'm willing to bet a large sum of money that the choice of outpatient is so that he can continue to feed the addiction. If you support him in any way (especially by thinking, OH! Yes, him agreeing to outpatient means he wants to get better, address his problem, etc...) you are ONLY supporting the continuance of the addiction and the addictive behavior and your hell.

as for the license he has been caught twice street racing so no one will insure him?
"OH, my baby can't get insurance but he NEEDS a car! Any normal person HAS a car! Let me put him on MY insurance policy"

choice of drug crack
DANGEROUS (to EVERYONE who comes in contact with him) and ILLEGAL.

mentally he seems off the wall when he is not using.
Because he is. Crack use does not just affect the person while he is using and while he is high. It CHANGES their brain and therefore, changes THEM, their thinking, and their brain. And will continue to do so until they stop completely.

Is it normal for an addict even when there straight to seem so out to lunch?
Yes. And everyone a human being allows into their life is affected by the other person. If he is out to lunch, it will make you out to lunch. Bite the bullet, cry your heart out for weeks, but make the choice you know you need to make in order to save yourself. This is NOT your baby, NOT your son, this is a disease that you cannot fight and win. None of us can.

I'm sorry.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 01:23 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
AS called Wed. from Detox. We told him he would have to go to a shelter. He said he would commit suicide before going there. I said " I love you, but if that is the choice you have made for yourself there is nothing I can do" he was very angry. My spouse gave him the phone number to a pastor we have been speaking to AS response was " I am going to phone the idiot and blast him" AS is very angry because his so called plans for day recovery etc. are not going to happen. I told him it was his choice what he wanted to do with his life. After many swear words he hung up on me. He called last nite, turns out he did call the pastor and asked him for help to get in to a long term program.
Its a start, I dont know where he will go tonite. One day at a time.
There is no way I will let him stay with us, or help him in any way. not until I see he is helping himself.
katie44 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 02:17 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Katie, as I have often said here, WE are not their only option, in fact, we are far from being even a good option.

Rehabs cost nothing here/there, and the longer the rehab the better their odds of finding a better path, especially if they are using crack or meth because those drugs cause so much mental illness that need to be worked on at the same time. Rehabs are focusing more and more on what is called Concurrent Disorders meaning mental health and addiction, and at the point where the person is already addicted, it doesn't matter much which came first, both need to be treated.

About Mental Health : Canadian Mental Health Association, Ontario

My point is that there IS help available for your son, when he is ready. Finding treatment at a place that is long term and addresses these issues will help him more than you ever could on your own.

Know this, provide him with phone numbers, and then leave the rest between him and God. It just may save YOUR life as it saved mine.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 03:51 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Katie, if he is 'willing' this is free:

The Salvation Army in Canada| Ontario Great Lakes Locations by Services

You are doing the correct thing for you and your H.

If he wants rehab it is out there for him.

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:20 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
grateful rca
 
teke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with the others, i think your decision maybe be a life saver for you and for him. ong term does sound like a better idea than a day program. i also think the longer the stay the better the chance. if your son is desperate enough to not be homeless, he find somewhere to go,even ifs it a halfway house or something. good to see you are taking care of you first and i pray that your son find his way soon
teke is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off





All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:50 PM.