killingmesmalls

For a long time I have let myself believe that I have control over what happens in my life and around me. If something wasn't working right I always thought that it was up to me to fix it. Granted this is true sometimes, there are things that can be fixed - but I guess I am learning that a lot in life that is served up to you - you simply have to deal with the best you can. It would start with the little stuff, that I would just work and work and work on to fix - really it was a lot of stupid stuff now that I think back. Trying to fix it made me feel like I was having some impact on the outcome, made me feel like I was going to make everything alright. But it never ends - there is always something else that needs fixing and it is exausting. Most times I was just spinning my wheels about stuff in the future that hadn't even happened yet. The what if's were consuming me, and I liked to think of life like a chess game planning my next five moves before I even made the first. Which usually meant I never made the first since I was so busy thinking about what to do after the 5th and 6th, like I could out smart life and it's problems.

A lot of it was simply a waste of time, and there were also times that no matter how hard I tried or what I did the problems seemed unfixable. I never really learned to cope with that, which led to a lot of drinking and trying to escape. Maybe I was an over achiever that can't handle failure. This year in particular have been rough, it has been so completely obvious that there was nothing for me to do in some situations or problems, that I just had to accept them for what they were and try to move on, in other words surrender. So here I am waving my white flag to all of you. Writing and reading, writing and reading some more & it helps. It helps to finally know that I can't control everything and am not expected to. That I can talk to complete strangers about my inner most thoughts and fears, stuff I wouldn't share with those closest to me out of fear of exposure. I sound really neurotic to myself, I'm not really glad about that - but at least I have found some people to talk about it with and work through it. Thank you all!

Taking5

In AA we are taught that we have to surrender to win. You have just taken a very important and necessary step to recovery IMHO.

Anna

Oh yes, I can relate to that.

I was definitely a control-freak, though I denied it and would tell myself I was just 'organized' or whatever. Anyways, it occupied more and more of my life, especially as my children got older. I worked so hard to keep all the balls in the air, and denied the effect it was having on me physically - insomnia, headaches, etc. Eventually my kids reached their teens, one of them began to rebel dangerously, my job was stressful, my husband travelled a lot. I simply couldn't hold it all together anymore. I started having a drink to sleep at night, and then two and it was amazing to me how quickly I became addicted.

Recovery has been the most freeing experience for me, because I had to let go of all of it. I had to recognize that there was very little that I could control, and that I could begin to live my life in peace.