traderjane

Hi... just wanted to let everyone know I'm okay. Have not checked in here in a couple of weeks. I was too embarrassed after my last idea (starting smoking) that I wanted to stay away for a bit. No, I did not start smoking ... and my "relationship" with this guy turned out to be a disaster. It's actually good it did not work out (he lives in Italy, just not going to work unless one of us can move), he is addicted to smoking, and he drinks too much (bad influence on me). Well, I'm sad and happy... you know, emotions all mixed up about everything. It's very hard being mid-40's and divorced and feeling like my soulmate may never come around. Sometimes I wonder how many disappointments one person can take. But this is all stuff for my therapist to help me sort out. I have an individual therapist and an alcohol counselor helping me, so I'm working on everything I need to work on. Life is hard, though --- and I have a lot of good things in my life, but it's just hard getting it all together and being happy.

I'm going for a run now... see you around

sfgirl

Have I mentioned that therapy is so much better sober?

Anna

Hi,

Just focus on yourself and your sobriety and I hope you find some peace.

vegibean

Hey Girl, hang in there. I totally feel ya on the relationship thing. Right now I'm still trying to recollect myself from the horrid marriage I was in. So for now I'm happy single!!!

Keep it up, you'll get there.

thirtybubba

Jane, don't even worry about being embarrassed about your question. Odds are, someone else in here had the same question. I know I have heard people in real life ask it.

Glad you're back, real glad you found out early that relationship was a no-go.

40 & divorced sounds suspiciously like 29 & divorced. I don't even like to think about soul mates, I might be happy with anyone who didn't beat me. Don't have a clue, nobody's asked me out in years. Although guys say I'm hot, most are married or in long term relationships that are near my age. I just feel like I missed out somehow, and I've actually been looking forward to being 40 or so, I reckon by then more men will be divorced. Isn't that a sad thought.

traderjane

Thanks everyone

I feel better after my run. If only we could exercise every time we feel bad instead of reaching for a drink, right?

Vegi -- I know what you mean. Being single and happy is not the worst thing in the world!

Thirty -- I totally relate. I always thought that by the time I got to my 40's relationships/dating would be so much easier, all of that game playing would be gone, etc. No such luck. It's just as hard at 45 as it was at 25. The only thing that is easier now for me is that I have no pressure to have kids anymore (since I have three of them). But still all of that relationship stuff and game playing is still there. Maybe we just both need to be patient and have faith that things are unfolding as they should...

traderjane

Oh yes, and this guy from Italy thought I was "hot", too ... but that is not enough in a relationship. There has to be respect (first and foremost) and it wasn't there on his end. I'm glad I didn't wait too long to realize that. Now that I have gotten rid of the "deadwood" in my life, maybe now I can focus on some positive steps for me.

yeahgr8

Welcome back, remember that the thread on smoking was going to be read by people who have not signed up to SR yet so a lot of the responses are based on what you have written and not a personal attack on you....important to remember:-)

I won't harp on anymore about AA, but i can tell you that i have a new bunch of sober friends now and life would suck balls without them...maybe a thought to keep busy and to make some new like minded friends?

Dee74

good to see you back L!
hows that pesky sobriety thing going?

D

CarolD

Geez! I had so many "soul mates" when I was a drinker
I completely lost my soul and core values.
Drown in alcohol....I truly believe....

When I began AA recovery....I decided to take a man break
to concentrate on improveing myself. Wow! that was
tremendously rewarding.

God fills my soul with overflowing joy.

I too have found understanding....companionship
and just fun with my AA friendships.

I'm hot too...it's summertime in Dixieland

thirtybubba

Relationships... I had one long term boyfriend in high school and one short term husband shortly after. That was over before I could legally buy alcohol. I don't know about adult relationships.

I thought (at 23) that if I didn't find somebody else I never would, and I found the only one who wasn't married to (to a woman--last I heard he's still drinking). We spent the entire time drinking, me working and him, well, breaking the law. He went to prison, came back and at 24 I realized I was better off without him, thankful he didn't take more from me than a year of my life. Now I don't know what I'm meant to do, but it seems having somebody share my life is not going to be part of it.

My only regret is no children.

Dee74

I gave up too - I had my first relationship at twenty nine, then another after that...then I got *really* involved with a long necked love -'Amber' - to help me get over those two LOL

I found someone after finding recovery - aged 40 plus. I'm hoping this ones a keeper

I think it happened because I worked on myself first, y'know?

no matter what age you are - if you're comfortable with who you are, I think that goes a long way to attracting like minded souls, and soulmates

D

Gypsy Feet

I like myself so much now its hard for me to find a guy who measures up. I'm ok with that though, because if and when I do meet someone I am going in with my eyes wide open this time.

plus, I live at 2 houses right now. In one is a married couple, in the other is a dating couple. the drama and fighting in both is enough to remind me that going in my room alone, lighting a candle and reading a good book can be utter bliss=)

traderjane

Yeah, I can relate to all the comments. I thought I had found my soulmate -- the guy I married. We were married for 11 years. I can't pin point when things started going wrong between us, and I still don't understand why. As I said, I think some real therapy is in order for me to try to make sense of it all. At times, it seems senseless that I got divorced, and yet on some level, I know there was something missing.

I can't help but hope that I won't be alone for the rest of my life. I have plenty of interested guys -- that is not the issue. The issue is finding the all too rare "connection" where you both feel it and know that you are in love. I thought I found it with this guy from Italy. We had been communicating online for about 8 months and seemingly had so much in common (divorced, a little lonely, kids about the same age, common interests, easy conversation, etc.) How disappointing that when we finally meet (though there was physical chemistry) he fell really short of my expectations. Well, again... I need some help professionally trying to understand it.

I know this is a recovery website, so I won't dwell on this anymore. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Most everyone I know is married (seemingly happily) and it gets a little lonely at times.

And Dee, to answer your question, I'm taking everything day to day at this point... sober today. And happy about it.

dabears34

That's the best thing you can do, is work with a therapist and investigate some of the underlying reasons why you drink. It's a process and there are no guarentees, but working with them to make sense of base feelings and making connections between thoughts, feelings and behaviors, will help you get a less distorted view of yourself... and all that, in all likelyhood, will have a trickledown effect where you wont need alcohol as much, or at all, to make you feel good. You'll be able to feel good yourself, and about yourself. Keep at it, and commit yourself to the process! Don't be afraid of admitting even the darkest and evilest and most shameful of thoughts or feelings, they exist and the only way they can go away, or at least allow you to involve them in a helthy self-concept, is to admit them and talk about them and then you can process them and move on. Good luck!