Wantthatfeeling

First of all...thank you to all of those members that watch these sites and help. I don't respond but I do reach out here (and should start responding more) but you have all helped me on several occasions including a seven day trip with no AA meetings in VERY early sobriety(which I am still in) that I MADE it through with all of your helps and suggestions...and God, of course.

My question deals with my Mother. She "triggers" me more than anyone else. She loves me so very much and loves to do passive guilt and it KILLS ME. She wants so desperately to be my best friend and seems to love my life...even envy me at times, which puts distance, in my mind between us. My best friend position is full and I really just need her unconditional love.

I actually "raised" my mother growing up. I did a lot of the care taking when she went through man problems OVER and OVER and OVER again. My Mother has enough baggage to fill the American Airlines fleet. When I tell her about my life she often says..."I wish I could do that...I wish I was going xyz...it makes me feel guilty and makes me want to push her away...I don't share much with her about my life. She does not know about my sobriety bc she loves drama and will make my sobriety about her and begin to try and feed off of what is going on in my life. HOWEVER...the woman LOVES ME SO VERY MUCH...she always tells me how much she loves me, misses me, wants me to come visit her, etc...and I really never say the same bc I just don't have the same desire--which makes me feel bad about myself.

So...I shared in a meeting today (it was a LARGE mtg and I felt rushed) and called my sponsor about it but I value this website and I know you all are so helpful...

How can use the program (I am in AA), stay sober and work through this relationship? It hurts my heart and takes me to a bad place. I would love some peace.

Thanks so much for reading and sharing.

Jomey

In early sobriety, sometimes we have to be "selfish" - we have to put ourselves first and avoid "triggers". Maybe take some more time to get into the groove of recovery before trying to improve your relationship with your mom. You don't have to tell her you are working on recovery if you don't want to, but IMO, it's ok to tell her that you are busy with a new project right now, so a visit is out of the question and you may not have a bunch of time for phone calls, etc. for a while. Take care of yourself, get into a good and steady place in your recovery, then deal with mom. I'm sure your sponsor and AA and the steps will be a big help there.

Good luck!
Jomey

Pelican

Congratulations on your sobriety and your recovery program! Awesome!

I'm a recovering alcoholic and a recovering codependent. There are other members here with experience in more than one 12 step program. I like they way they put it: "AA taught them coping skills for life, and Al Anon was fine tuning the skills" (something like that).

Today, your sobriety is Job 1. This has to be your priority in life right now! You are handling your relationship with mom as best as you can at this point in your life. Good on you! You will gain new skills as you continue your recovery journey. You don't have to have all the answers by 3:00 p.m. today, right?

One Day at a Time!

Your care taking of mom sounds like my life saving, fix it, solve it all codependent recovering self. Melodie Beattie wrote a great book (codpendent bible) called "Codependent No More". You might want to pick up a copy from the library.

Congratulations on your sobriety! Keep on keeping on!

Anna

Yes, it really is important to focus on yourself and to do just what you need to do to get through the early sobriety. It's not being selfish, it's necessary. It sounds like you need to deal with boundary issues regarding your mother. She could be looking for something very different out of the relationship than you are. In other words, she wants a best friend, and you want a mother, and those are very different.

Skeeter2

Whatthatfeeling -- Gotta love family! My two-bits: Family dynamics are very complicated as they have developed over a long time and tend to be fraught with emotion. Things that would roll off our backs with friends and aquaintances can go right to the heart when they come from Mom or siblings. It seems like it would be helpful for you to talk with a counselor or read up on family dynamics, so you can break down your relationship and identify why certain topics/buttons that send you into the red. Intellectualizing it gives some emotional distance (boundaries) so rather than responding to the hot buttons, you can see them for what they are and not take the bait. It will take retraining on your part ... It might be that your mom will never be able to give you that "unconditional love" in a way you want it to be, but you might be able to see more clearly what she is able to give you and why that is so. Then you are not expecting something and constantly feeling disappointed. It also might help you identify what you are able to give her right now. It might be she seems to be asking for something that no one can provide her, yet you're feeling guilty about it.

I love my family dearly, which is not to say that we don't have our emotional dances! (Oh my!) But when things get so twisted -- and I've been there -- that the result is misery, things need to change. I really wish you well.

Mark75

One way I look at the 12 steps and the AA program is that it is an intense journey of self discovery... it's a tough road, and that's why there is the fellowship, and of course, your sponsor...

My mother, oh God... I've had to avoid her in my early recovery... She figures prominently in my 4th step and 8th and 9th...

As my recovery progresses I get better prepared to deal with the "mom" issue. She doesn't live close and I don't see her often... When I'm ready, I'll make my amends... not quite yet though.

I'm just working on me right now, trying not to dig any new holes... Her health is decent and there is no rush, but neither do I want to put it off too long.

Easy does it wantthatfeeling... get strong within yourself, then you can better take on the issue of that relationship.

Mark

Freedom1990

I have been exactly where you are at. I love my mother dearly, but she is an untreated codependent who loves to use the passive guilt thing fairly frequently.

Although it still can hurt from time to time, it's much less often when I finally accepted that my mother will never ever be the mother I'd like her to be (ie capable of unconditional love).

Essentially, I've learned to parent myself by getting in touch with that little girl inside who so desperately wanted/wants to be loved, and be gentle and kind with her.

I've definitely done some therapy in the past to work with this issue, and am very active in my recovery through AA.

Please feel free to PM me anytime you'd like to talk! :ghug2

sfgirl

I don't know if this is going to sound crazy because I haven't quite fleshed it out myself but sometimes when I hear people talk about fixing a relationship it almost sounds to me like they (or me) is talking about a separate entity, as in a relationship stands on its own. The reality is a relationship is actually just two people who come together. So if your aim is to change the relationship, the only thing you can actually change is yourself which by default will change how you relate to your mother. Unfortunately, you cannot change her. You cannot expect her to suddenly act differently and often I think that people expect that partly when they aim to change a "relationship". I am not sure if you do, I am just mentioning that.

That being said you can change yourself. And what I mean by changing yourself is not acting on your guilt and placating your mother but instead listening to that inner voice that says you don't want to do something, that you want to push her away, and actually do that. It might not seem like you should do it but for me early recovery was all about getting rid of all of those things I was doing that I thought I should be doing and instead doing the things I wanted deep down to do. Boundary work is really important. And after awhile of pushing her away, when you are stronger inside, after doing step work, you will naturally probably feel drawn to talk and connect with her again because you will be able to notice her passive guilt moves and not have them affect you as much. So yeah, it really is about boundaries. And I think that if your inner voice is telling you to push her away, you should do it. I spent the first six months of recovery "hermitting" (my word for sort of holing away from everyone)— part of me worried I would never be social again but the reality was I was just going through so much inner self change that that is what I needed. When I was ready, I started to crave and enjoy company again. I have found your body knows better than your mind what you need.

CarolD

For resentments ....please look on page 552 in your BB.
It's helped me get thru relationship problems....

Good to know you are moving forward in recovery

mistycshore

Echo SFGirl. You are only one half of the relationship. Your ability to change that is very limited, but you can change you. It sounds like you already are, having pulled away - in a healthy way.

Work the steps or whatever, but you can't make her be different.

killingmesmalls

Mother issues! There is this joke -
So I went to my doctor to talk about my new anti-anxiety medication that comes as a patch like the nicotine patch. He asked if it helping, and I said yes at first it was great! But it suddenly quit working as soon as I took it off my mother's mouth.
whhhaaa - whhhhaaaa.

Joking aside, I really do empathize with you. The last time my mom came out I had a break down, I just could not handle her constant intensity and jealousy of anything and everyone else that I am close to or care about. It's always been a competition to her, and she has made me feel repeatedly like if I don't put her needs and wants above all else that means that I don't love her at all. I mean she would be mad at me if I stopped in mid sentence to take care of one of my kids. They could have run around with their hair on fire & she would have been upset if I looked in there direction. And the simple fact is yes mom - my kids are more important to me - they need me not out of emotional hang-ups, but out of the fact that they can not care for themselves and I am their mother.

It was really too much & I had not yet quit drinking. When she left I decided to set up boundaries in our relationship - it has always been something I struggled with. I know longer was willing to talk with her on the phone because words always got twisted, things taken out of context, feelings hurt, backlash on an on. Instead I was only willing to communicate to her through letters in the mail. That way I could say what I really wanted to say without interruptions, wouldn't say something I didn't mean, and I could always get something off my chest and just not send it - I had a pile. Also it provided a form of proof in what I told her - this sounds bad, but honestly I got accused so many times for saying things I hadn't that I felt like I needed some form of proof. It gave me enough distance from the badness of the relationship, and honestly our relationship was better on paper than in person. She didn't like the idea at first and was very hurt by the fact that I had made that decision, but she got over it when she realized that our relationship had not ended, it just had limitations. We also were able to open up to eachother through letters in a way we hadn't been able to in person or in conversation.

I wish you luck - I know how hard it can be.

Wantthatfeeling

Thanks everyone. I needed to hear all of this...I will take it one day at a time and pray a lot in the mean time.

THANKS SO MUCH! BLESS YOU ALL!

igottobesober

I have the same issues with my mother. My parents are still together, but I have always been the one to hear all there personal problems. She vents to me way to much about there problems. She is also very jealous of the relationship I have with my dad. All my life she would get upset if he told me something before her or showed me any attention.
I hate that I dont enjoy her company, it is always all about her. She has no idea that I am an alcholic.

I am glad you posted this, knowing that there is someone else with these issues makes me feel better.