LT55

I think my AH is using again. When he is using, I become consumed in his addiction...checking his pockets, phone texts and calls. Searching for any hidden pills. I get sick to my stomach. If I find any pills I get scared or so mad I blow up at him. If he is using again, how do I not lose my self in him? How do I handle this if I get confirmation he is using? How do I handle my suspicions he is using? I can't get sucked into being consumed by his addictions and lies. I can't lose myself again.

bluejay6

Welcome, T. The recovering addicts here will have good advice for you. More tomorrow, since it is late. Could you give a little more information about your situation? His DOC, any history of sobriety that has given you reason to believe that--up until now--he is clean? Have you received any help for yourself yet, being married to an addict?

Everyone has different views about the issue of searching for evidence of using or relapse. I think every situation is different, so maybe a bit more information. Do you have children at home?

Hope you will find good help here, more responses to come,

Bluejay

itisatruth

Hi tlb, I noticed it says this is your first post but you've been a member for a while...so first let me say I'm glad you posted and have found SR although I know the circumstances aren't what you want. If you haven't already seen them, the stickies above have some good info.

I wish I had easy answers for you, like 'do this' or 'do that' or I could just say "let go and detach with love" and you could but I know that it's often easier said than done.

I remember days/nights of trying to find pills, checking bank statements for withdrawals, checking phone records, etc, etc. YUCK!! NOT FUN.

When I first reached out for help - I found SR, then Alanon (no naranon in my area), then I got more honest with friends and family. But the best thing I did for myself was....put myself first. I had let his problems and addiction be the center of my life for too long and I desperately needed to put ME back in the center of my own life. Doing that meant trusting my instincts. It meant walking away from the insanity and getting out with friends. It meant taking better care of myself. It meant NOT looking for pills when I wanted to, because....well, what was I going to do if I found them and what difference would that make in the long run. It meant --- as hard as it was --- letting him "go" to deal with his own consequences, even though that meant him being taken to the hospital on an almost overdose among other things.

Bottom line is, no matter how hard I try, I cannot make him stay off drugs or want to be clean - so I had to accept it and let it go as something not in my power to do, and keep going with my life.

I hope you find a way to not let this consume you....thank you for posting this....I worry about getting sucked back in sometimes too.

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you always have" Or something like that....just a little reminder for myself to not go back to searching through shoes for pills.

teke

hi,welcome.sorry for your troubles but glad you are here. i'm a recovering addict, sober a few yrs, married but separated to an addict of 23 yr. i do understand your pain and fear, i've been right where you are many times. sounds like you may already know that there is nothing you can do to help him or convince him to stop using if you find that he is.

they always told me to go with your gut feeling, what is it telling you? except it, set bounderies for you. you decide what you can live with and what would you do if your set bounderies are crossed. its very important to only say what you mean and is willing to back up with set action, otherwise its no good. alanon and nar anon meetings are very good support groups for you, they along with sr, is what helped me to get to a place of peace.

keep the focus on you, let him deal with his own addiction alone, there's nothing you can do other than take care of you, protect your finances and any other valuables that can be sold or pawn.

it took me 21 yrs before i finally realized that i had to separate myself from my ah(addict husband), i was literally going insane. as for as my own addiction, it took for my family to totally cut me off, long enough for me to suffer the consequences of my own bad choices before i was broken and desperate enough to seek help on my own

you know that his addiction has nothing to do with you, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. take care of you. keep reading and post as much as you like. educate yourself on addiction and co dependancy. i will keep you both in my prayers

Chino

Several months back I told my daughter to pack a bag and hit the road until I told her otherwise. I didn't know if she was using or not, I only knew her behavior that moment was unacceptable to me. Probably within 10 minutes of her leaving, I was calm and ready to seize the rest of my day. I let her come back a couple of days later when I felt like it and not because I was worried.

That's a complete 180 from I used to do.

I used to do all the same stuff we've read here and then some. I used to cry so hard I could feel my heart cracking. Then I got mad and the fights started. That was really ugly and I finally stopped when I got disgusted with myself.

I was so sucked into her drama. It was like being in an F5 tornado. I came close to giving up on me but decided to let go of her. It took a little while and a lot of help to get to that starting point. Since then I've learned to slow down and control myself. Personal boundaries are a really big deal and I've also learned to take nothing personally. That was huge for me.

Things and people aren't anywhere near perfect in my life, but my life is a beautiful work in progress. Our family is constantly working through boundary issues and they aren't all the same or at the same pace. Though I backslide every now and then and have to catch myself, I no longer allow others to pull me down and I don't rely on them to pull me up, either.

It's a lot of work and establishing some kind of personal recovery program really helps. It's like eating a balanced healthy diet vs yo-yo dieting. There's so much experience, strength and hope here. My diet consists of occasional 12 step meetings and a therapist, along with a healthy dose of this place, too

Callie

I used to do all the same stuff we've read here and then some. I used to cry so hard I could feel my heart cracking. Then I got mad and the fights started. That was really ugly and I finally stopped when I got disgusted with myself.

Thank you for this chino!

barblsn

"I remember days/nights of trying to find pills, checking bank statements for withdrawals, checking phone records, etc, etc. YUCK!! NOT FUN."


Never again. NEVER.

Callie

The ?? is how do you get to [B}I remember days/nights of trying to find pills, checking bank statements for withdrawals, checking phone records, etc, etc. YUCK!! NOT FUN."

ver again. NEVER. [/B]

I think we ALL want to achieve this if our addicts won't follow behind us. Great quote!