bossybrunette

Hello all. I'm new to this site and I'm looking for advice. I've found myself in a relationship with a recovering addict (cocaine and oxyand benzos). After being caught with weed last year he has been on probation and receives routine drug tests. He stopped using oxy and benzos on his own and tells me that he has control over his addiction. Although he has not used prescription drugs in a long time now, he snorted cocaine and took a bunch of ecstasy pills the other week while on probation. I can't help but feel that he has a problem since he is willing to risk so much for another high. He claims he isn't addicted and just enjoys being high. In addition, to deal with the severe withdrawal from the prescription drugs he turned to alcohol. He went to one AA meeting because he recognized that he has a problem, but doesn't think AA is for him. He thinks he has the will-power to stop whenever he wants. I don't know what to do. I have not ever used illegal substances and want to believe the things he says but I'm scared. I think he needs a lot of help and I don't know what to do. I feel like by agreeing to a relationship with him I have accepted his dangerous behavior. I don't want to end the relationship, but I feel stupid for letting myself become attached to someone so unstable.
I like him, but something inside me keeps telling me that I know better.
I would appreciated any advice or general comments. I don't know anywhere else to go for help. Thank you, whoever you are. xx

outtolunch

He is a classic poly-substance abuser/addict.

Sounds like his choices are a problem for you. Listen to this voice and let it override the emotional aspects and do what's best for you. You cannot control or cure this.

smacked

Sorry, that jumped out at me too.. and I literally LOL'd.

I'm a recovering addict, whatever you want to call it, and I used to be a drunk too.

Like Anvil said, that is CLASSIC addict speak. Just like when alcoholics in denial say "I don't need it, I want it".. yah ok.

I went to AA too, and decided it wasn't for me. So what did I do? Well I sure as hell didn't drink, or use any drugs. I marched my ass into the nearest addiction counselors' office and had willingness to try anything to stay stopped, and so far, I have.

Are you ok with dating an active addict/alcoholic? If so, maybe you found the guy for you.. but if not.. (run).

28Days

I will say what anvil wants to.

RUN. Fast. Run run run.

It took me a long time to run. And now...I'm a wreck. I tortured myself and destroyed myself trying to HELP him. We can't. All we can do is let them fall. When the people here first told me that I told myself "well my situation is different. I can help him see that something needs to change". No. Don't think like that. It leads to heartache and pain.

Every broken promise. Every let down. Every chance you give, they ruin. Every lie they tell...every lie you catch them in. Breaks a little more of your heart, your trust, and your hope.

Yup. Mine said the same d-mn thing. Forget that he lost his friends, was flunking out of college, almost kicked out of his dorm room (he has now been evicted, by the way. And has dropped out of school and lost MORE friends). But ya know, it's not an addiction, it's his life and we should all accept it, right?

I suggested NA for mine. He said that he wouldn't be comfortable because he's not an addict. He just doesn't want to stop yet 'cause he likes it. Here's the kicker, these words came after hanging with his 'friends'. Before he hung with them he admitted he was an addict that wanted to quit. He wanted help. The haze of the drug was more powerful than his feelings for me.

That fear, only gets worse. As you watch things progress, or the more lies you hear...the fear becomes more consuming. It is not fun. I have stayed up all night worrying before. More than once. Of course it's clear to you that he needs help, but he does not see it that way. Why? Who knows. That question I'm still trying to answer for myself. Please don't feel stupid. It's not your fault. You can't control your heart. I really loved my guy too. But answer this...Is he the person you felt for in the first place? Is he there for you, as much as you're there for him? Is he putting as much pain and thought into getting better as you are?

We can't tell you what to do, at all. All I can do is share what I went through with mine.

atalose

Yes you do know better, listen to that voice inside of you.

Abundance

If you aren't listening to that voice inside of you........... that is where you need to start. I had that same voice... I heard it - but didn't honor it. NOW... years later I am working on figuring out why or how I ended up NOT honoring it. It's there for a reason. So, from my experience, the fact that you have that voice ... and then if you're not listening to it, too - then really - THAT is where you start! Either listen and respect that voice OR... figure out just why the heck you aren't.... and save yourself a LOT of pain in the meantime!

Seren

Respect your hesitation to become further involved.

hugs, HG

IPT

My plight is well documented in these forums. You are playing a game of russian roulett.... the price is high. Sorry to be so blunt, but in hindsight I can be. It is so easy to be pulled into these relationships, have grand hopes and dreams, get your heart torn out time and time again. it gets harder and harder to let go... if you want to go thru lots of painful times, stay. In the end you'll learn about yourself,,but there is a tremendous price to pay for it. Better off leaving and exporing what draws you to this relationship in the first place. You are looking at the red flags but not altering your course, why?

teke

HI,welcome. i agree with all the others above. i'm a recovering addict, married but seperated to an addict. it took me 21 yrs to figure out i should have ran as soon as i figured out he had a problem. an addict is known to lie, steal and cheat. take care of you and protect your finances and other valuables you don't want sold or pawn for drugs.

i got sober a few yrs ago but it took for my family to cut me out of their lives so that i could suffer the consequences of my bad choices, then and only then was i able to see a need to seek help. there is nothing you can do to help him, thats something he has to do for himself.

bottom line is, focus more on you and leave his addiction for him to deal with. i'll be praying for the both of you

imallright

Welcome Bossy.... Amen to all that has been said. Please take care of you and listen to what you are telling yourself. This is not a road you want to travel. Trust us. Best.

Butterfly14

I was recently in your shoes (read my posts from last week) I can only tell you how i wish i would have listened to my intuition and backed away. I had the exact same thoughts you did 6 months ago and my BF said the same things your guy is saying. He said he could drink with no problem as that was not his drug of choice and he had no problems controling drinking...What he failed to say is that when he starts drinking it makes him crave his drug of choice, cocaine. So after a night of drinking he started going out using coke. Trust yourself and your feelings!!! If you dont' feel comfortable with this slow waaay down with him now and please dont' wait like I did and let it go on for months and months you will only end up hurt and having to walk away when he starts treating you badly and choosing the drugs over you.....his first priority and love will be the drug and not your relationship. Trust me you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg!!!!! Stick around and there will be more pain and heartache to come...or step out now and tell him your not comfortable with his drug use and you need to back away. This is honoring yourself and your feelings.....and you deserve that. Unless he gets into a recoevery program and really working it....he won't be any good to you or anybody else.

lost84

Oh girl walk away now!!!!!!!!!!! Run away before you get in further! Trust me this only gets worse and you donnnnt even want to put yourself through the pain your about too.. You should step back try and be a friend, but thats all you can do..

Callie

RUN fast and run Hard the other way. RUN RUN RUN.

littlebird77

So tell him to go to NA

Seriously, he is an addict and needs help.

truthhurts

Please read the thread in this forum that I began a few days ago, entitled "I Want To Share My Story."

There are 6.2 billion people on this planet....surely you can find someone to get into a relationship with other than this guy. The good folks on this forum are NOT lying or exaggerating, even a little bit, about getting out now before you get in any deeper. There is nothing that this guy is telling you that any of us haven't heard before from our addicts. Haven't you heard the old joke (as cliched and tired as it is) before....

Q: How do you know an active addict is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.

Another good thing to remember always is watch their actions...don't listen to their words. If he says he doesn't have a problem, but his actions tell you otherwise...well, there's your answer.

Glad you're here. Read as much as you can and please, think long and hard before continuing down this path.

rahsue

he's what some would call a garbage can addict. He'll take anything to be high.
My advice, stop seeing him. One day you may be with him when he gets caught, and that makes you an accomplice and you could find yourself in trouble with the law. And that will be the "least" of your problems.

Freedom1990

Bossybrunette, how are you doing today? Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and I pray you are taking some of the experience, strength, and hope shared here and are processing it.

:ghug2

lightseeker

whenever I read a post from someone that is on the cusp on "jumping in" with an addict I pray that they may avoid the pain and anguish that has become a major portion of my life. The best way to avoid the pain is to jump out instead of in. The heart can overrule reason in these situations (which is what happened to me) so I definitely understand the pull and the allure to remain connected.

5 years later I deeply regret that I didn't run.....that was the advice that was given to me on this forum. My addict has obtained sobriety but not recovery. I am married to him but I no longer love him or even like him for the most part. That's because he is simply the same addict but not actively using. He was superficially charming and engaging and that snowed me originally. The closeness, the specialness, the everything.....it was a joke, an illusion.

For those of us that are not addicts it's a world that we don't understand. In our wildest dreams we can't begin to understand the lying, choices, and behaviors. It's always worse than what we know...the tip of the iceberg. I truly did not understand that. I know what I used to think and then through the years my addict has filled me in on more of the story....if only I had understood the depth of the issue. He lied and covered up to maintain our relationship. Because I don't lie and cover up I never assumed that he would either. How wrong I was.

I can't tell you what to do but I sure can share my experience and tell you what I wish that I had done. It sure would have been easier for me to leave the relationship then than it is now. The economy has me tied into a housing situation that makes it difficult to leave. I could have avoided all of this misery by dealing with the short term pain of ending a relationship that I deeply desired but was frought with issues and problems. I played and now I pay.

nytepassion

These are the things us addicts tell ourselves and anyone who might question our behavior.
This is called D E N I A L = it is a place addicts go to in order to protect their addiction and it is a place that you will find yourself living in so that you don't have to face the truth that he is truly addicted. Don't let him take you to that place and don't let yourself go there on your own.

He speaks classic addict language, has classic addict behavior.
If it looks like a duck - It is a duck. Don't let him other wise. Don't let your heart reason with your head (visa versa) and blindfold yourself to the truth.

It is what it is = Addiction

Listen to your gut instinct - It is right on target

Passion
Recovering Addict

sojourner

well my dear, i think there is a good possibility you read these posts and say, "hmmm, i'm different - i'm stronger, i'm smarter, i can be that one person who gets their guy clean. Those other posters on there, they maybe did something wrong, or didn't do it long enough, or didn't like/love their boyfriend as much as i love/like mine." I also think you're reading this stuff and thinking, "But my guy is different. He really likes/loves me a lot, he has integrity, i can just see it oozing from him. And because of that, he wouldn't treat me as bad as what those people are writing about." I think you just might want this rollercoaster ride. If so, welcome. We are a strange group of people with unusual tales of survival and sometimes show a really bizarre sense of humor. And if you survive your rollercoaster ride with your "recovering" addict, you'll be able to come back and tell us all about the fun you had at that amusement park.

You won't find any of us giving you the green light to jump into this with abandon telling you that everything will turn out all right. It just plain won't.

But please know this, you are always welcome here. Whether you go on that ride with your current boyfriend or not, there is a lot of comfort, wisdom, knowledge, and acceptance here for anybody who wants it, you and me included.