EveningRose

We are now in the midst of two dramas with my father and sister-- one in which a sister wants my kids to babysit, but recently didn't bring my daughter home at all, and got angry when I asked for a phone call in such a situation. She now wants a babysitter again, and is going to be angry when I set a time at which they must be home (and btw, that time will be noon THE NEXT DAY, pretty darn generous, but I know her; she'll be angry.) My daughter doesn't seem to quite get why I would have told her no more overnights, in light of the issue of my sister blowing up over being asked for a phone call.

With my dad, I have finally quit going to family holidays because of abusive behavior from family members, including him. I'm now regarded as 'ruining a good family' by doing so. Before this, though, he had offered to pay for a private school on which my daughter has her heart set. He now wants us to go to his house to pick up the check. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to try to force me to come back to family holidays under threat of withdrawing his offer, in which case, of course, they'll all tell my daughter it's my fault she can't go to the school, just days before the year starts.

So, my kids don't really understand why I have a problem with my parents and sisters. They don't know all the history or verbal abuse, manipulation, even some outright physical abuse, bullying and tantrums from sisters, and so on. They didn't witness the blow-out that motivated my decision to quit going to holidays, nor did they read the e-mails in which my sister 'apologized' but let me know her temper was all really my fault, anyway. They don't know these things because I don't like to be the kind who badmouths people. I have always just walked away from it, lived my own life, done my own thing, and when they're nice again, I'm welcoming and forgiving. Unfortunately, this time, we live very close to them, and my kids are feeling it that we no longer go there for holidays.

To make matters difficult, my dad is a 'dry drunk.' The kids have never seen him drunk and never will. It's not something they can SEE. I am without a doubt the typical second child scapegoat of an alcoholic family, and have finally realized that all my hoop-jumping is never going to change that. But I feel that to say that to my kids will sound whiny and as if I'm making excuses.

I can't be the only person facing this issue. What have others told their children about their alcoholic families and why they keep their distance?

ranae1221

Well I don't have kids, but I have been one of those kids. My grandmother has a very long history-like 40 years- of abusing medications. I never really knew it growing up. She also has a seizure disorder, and so any 'weird' behavior was often chalked up to that. I remember once grandma was so out of it she fell and grandpa couldn't get her up. Grandpa called my mom, who woke me up and asked me to go along with her to help. Still, I had no clue. They told me she had a seizure.

When I was 18, she went to the hospital to find out what was causing her seizures. At least, that was what I was told. Years later I found out she really was detoxing, they were trying to get her off all the meds (this after she had pills lying around and a 1 year old grandbaby ate one and had to be hospitalized, something again I didn't know about until years later).

My mom also had issues with my grandmother, which at the time I didn't really understand. (Now, I know it's cause of the medication and stuff)

How old are your kids? I think what you decide to tell your kids depends largely on how old they are.

EveningRose

I have kids in their upper teens. I've told a bit to the older ones, but try to keep it to a minimum. I have middle and younger kids to whom I've said little. Today, I did tell some details to my 10 year old, some of the ugly things that have been said to me, to explain why we no longer go for holidays.

GingerM

I was one of those kids.

In regards to your sister, I would use the situation as an example in "common courtesy" - you expect a phone call if your daughter is going to be later than X time, and you're going to ask your sister for that, but you expect, for whatever reason, that your sister is going to be angry at being asked to let you know what's going on with your own daughter (maybe your daughter will see the common courtesy angle, maybe not).

In regards to your father, I'd take the daughter with me to pick up the check. Again, I'd use this as a learning session. Before going over there, I would have a discussion about how some people use money to attempt to control other people, and that no matter how tempting the money is, allowing people to control you with "gifts-with-strings" is never a good idea and will only end in heartache. Then let her observe what he does. If he uses the check as a means to try to force you to attend family events, then she'll see what he's doing. If she's there and he therefore doesn't try to pull anything, then your daughter should deposit the check on the drive home so he can't cancel it.

The next discussion to have with her is that a gift does not entitle the giver to control the recipient. When the attempts to guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do start happening, the pat reply is "You gave me a gift, not a loan. It was freely given by your own offer. Once a gift is given, it is the recipient's to do with as they see fit."

This conversation is not a bad conversation to have with a young woman about to head off to college - the number of times I had males say "but I bought you dinner" as a means of trying to get me to do something I didn't want to do was innumerable. It isn't just her family that she needs to learn this with