NEOMARXIST

I think that this is one of the main things that is helping me in my sobriety. I feel that mastering this skill has lifted much of the weight of guilt, shame, remorse, regret, fear that I felt as a result of my drinking and thus made “happy/peaceful” sobriety a much more realistic prospect, one which I can try to live ‘one day at a time’.

I had thoughts today that maybe the depression that I suffered from around the age of 18+ was my alcoholism being crafty and causing depression so that I would self-medicate with more booze. I had never really looked at it like that before but instead had such regret and anger that I had to suffer from this great emotional pain at such a crucial age and consequently drop-out of University and generally make decisions which would ultimately fuel the depression more and get me to drink greater amounts.

I heard today that my cousin, who has just came out of a top University and gained the highest degree grade (1st) possible that he has landed a job with a great salary and company car etc. Previously I used to cringe when I heard of my peers doing well and succeeding in life as my life was seemingly going down the toilet and there was nothing I could seem to do to stop it. I was hopelessly trying to clutch at straws and try to scrape my way out of problems that I was creating for myself. I was in a mental and emotional black hole in which the only way I could hope to see a glimmer of light, if only for a few hours, was to get utterly obliterated so I couldn’t comprehend what my name was, let alone even think about mistakes I had made.

Today I did not feel sadness and resentment at my current situation, but instead I felt hope and positivity that I have finally accepted that I am an alcoholic and that no-matter what I could have done over the past 5 years, the result and outcome would have been the same; alcoholism.
I am so glad that I have finally accepted this in my own mind and I feel like I can now try to look to the future with hope and excitement rather than fear and apprehension.

Peace and Love xx

Hudstar

That's a really thought-provoking and encouraging post. Thanks, Neo!

Tazman53

Accepting myself warts and all as an overall okay guy makes a huge difference for me. Looking honestly at myself I do see the warts and I work towards putting on Compound W where I need to as best I can, but I also see a lot of good in me as well. Some of that good was there all through my drinking, but all I could see then was every single thing real or imagined that was wrong with me.

Good post Neo, acceptance is one of the keys to peace and serenity I have found, not just of my own flaws, but also of others as well, being able to see the good in me also allows me to see the good in others which makes the flaws lessen.

MycoolFitz

Acceptance is so powerful and empowering. Some people confuse acceptance with apathy or giving up but it is more closely alligned with surrender, as in the serenity prayer "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." I've heard it said that "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” Thanks for the thought provoking post.

Hevyn

I completely agree - I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to come to that conclusion. (Wait....I'm supposed to be "accepting" ) I held myself back by staying stuck on trying to control my drinking and then regretting the past. Thankfully, that's over now - and I know what you mean about cringing when you hear how well others are doing. I no longer covet what my peers have. I find many of them rather shallow. I like the person I'm becoming. Thanks, Neo.

killingmesmalls

Thanks Neo. I'm new and some days I am doing well with accepting it and just moving forward, and then there are other days that I just feel like the last 15 years have been such a waste. I get caught up in the I could have this and that and on and on. I just started going to AA and last night the topic was about responsibility and the speaker had a really great way to look at it.
He said life is like a bus, where ever you find yourself now - ultimately you drove yourself there, you are responsible for being there. If you don't like where you are at - move the bus, all the reasons why you think you can't are coming from you - you put up your own road blocks. I don't know if it was because it was so visual and I could just see myself all these years not being able to find reverse, killing the clutch, being lost and not knowing which way to go - I could go on and on; anyway I really liked this metaphor. It's helping me see things for what they are and the part I took in them - I used to love using the excuse of being a victim of circumstance, or for that matter any excuse for drinking.
I am glad you are doing well in recovery. I am on day 9, and have talked with my husband about seeking help with recovery/alcoholism - but am very hesitant to tell anyone else. I don't know all the steps yet, but I figure it is one of them for the future. I am still working on accepting myself and the fact that I am alcoholic - I am just not ready to be judged by others yet. I just don't know when the right time to tell anyone else would be, so I am holding out & working on myself. Thanks for the post - it was a good way to start the day.

tallcactus

Thanks Neo for that post, yes, I agree, .

Tried of that hole and using denial.

Mycool.., That was what I wanted to say, Surrender! Now, U get out of my head..LOL
I have learned that surrender works for me...
Stay strong everyone.

Mark75

As an aside killingme...

You'll know the right time, place, person... for me, acceptance has had nothing to do with whom I discuss it with...

Good post neo