Sweets79

Hi everyone,

I don't normally post in this forum, but I just felt like sharing. Here's a little background.

I joined this site in April of this year and I've been sober almost 4 months now. I was drinking heavily for 5 years.

My father is an alcoholic. I never knew his side of the family. My grandfather (his father) suffered from Alcoholism also, but until recently I did not know the extent of it. My father also never knew his biological mother. He had a stepmother. My grandfather told him all along that his stepmother was his real mother until he was 14 years old. He also found out later on in life he had a biological brother who was given up for adoption. His father gave one son away and kept the other son (my father). His stepmother and father (biological) both abused my dad physically and mentally throughout his childhood (very bad beatings, etc). My grandfather died around 40 years old. My father was on the street when he was 15 yrs old.

I was verbally and mentally abused by my father growing up. Now that I am an adult, I see how much it has affected the person I am. My personality, the way I look at life and handle things. I held alot of resentment towards my father. I always feel things are forced instead of being true. Saying "I love you" and giving him gifts on Father's Day always felt forced.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior throughout my childhood by any means, but I understand how bad his childhood was and how much torment he had to deal with, and how that shaped him as an adult.

Today I just ran over to him and gave him a big hug and started crying and I told him "I forgive you and I love you" and I meant it. He told me he regrets being a bad father and he started crying. It really is sad what a vicious cycle alcoholism and abuse can be.

I just felt like sharing this. And for all of you that grew up with Alcoholism in the family, I know how tough it is, and how much resentment can be held inside. Today, it felt good to let that go.

Iwanttoheal

I am pleased for you


I have a long, long way to go before I am you. I am just beginning to touch, feel and explore the anger and resentment in me AND accept that I have every right and justification to feel this anger.

So I will celebrate with you. Today you forgave your father. Today I can finally feel anger.

Sweets79

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. It took me awhile to get to this point. I know we will never have a close father/daughter relationship. There was too much abuse in the past. When you weren't close as a child, there really is no way to get that later in life. Sure, you can be civil to eachother and get along but the past will always be there, and I will always harbor some resentment. I am just glad I let go of some of that today.

Please take your time with this. Forgiving and letting some resentment go does not happen overnight. Be angry, feel what you need to, and when you are ready, you will be able to forgive. And that doesn't mean having the perfect parent/child relationship. It means getting some of that resentment out, and if you're lucky trying to build some sort of relationship with the alcoholic parent/parents. I haven't attempted to do that with him. That would take me alot more time. It took alot for me to take this step today and I'm glad I did. Take your time with it

worthyoflove

Thanks for the cry. I was bawling my eyes out after reading this. So, so happy for you and your Dad. What a beautiful gift you gave to both of you.

Sweets79

Aww thank you for your reply, very sweet

Flowerholic

Thank you for sharing this personal story of how you are moving forward. And the reminder that you have forgiven but that doesn't mean you have to have a close relationship with one who has hurt you in the past. You have given me food for thought tonight.

Flower(holic)

Sweets79

You have worded it perfectly

takincareome

What a nice story. It made me tear up too. I'm so proud of you for getting to this point. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I say imagine because I'm not there yet with my father. I hope I will be one day. I'm getting closer all the time.

mikefreak

That's a great post, sweets. I am just beginning the forgiveness process for my aunt, who raised me, & was a raving alcoholic. As was Dad. As was uncle Al. As was Aunt jean, etc etc... I HATED her, up until recently. Then I started to think what kind of world she came from. Depression-era Oklahoma. The dust bowls. Being treated like garbage. A emotional distant mother that she felt never loved her. A Depression that REALLY tramatized her- I remember dimly that she would salvage stuff from the junkyard, and she would NEVER throw anything away. Thankfully she finally snapped out of that. (!) There where 7 kids from her family- five became alcoholics, while the other two moved away to escape their insanity.
She was angry, raging, neurotic,cruel, and above all MISERABLE nearly her entire life.And As you said, the way I was raised had a profoundly negative impact on my life. Talk about a nightmare!!
I'm going to run of a LOT of people off right now, but it's the truth. Out of NOWHERE I had a spiritual awakening last November & got sober after 33 years. Then, I joined a church. This Church is BIG on learning forgiveness, & I think it's starting to finally sink in.
It will be a LONG road, but I've decided to start walking it. It's time I learned to love her. She meant well in her little sick, bizarre way. She mellowed out towards the end of her life, about my age right now.
What's done is done.
But seriously, sweets, I am so happy you made peace with your dad, especially when he's alive. I waited too long.................................:horse