Misable Newcomer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1
Misable Newcomer
My story:
I've always been a drinker, but I didn't drink every day and sometimes would go for a year without a drink. Pretty much drank only beer when I did drink. Then a woman happened. Lost 60lbs and quit smoking only to fail with her. Part of the losing weight was switching from beer to vodka. I continued social drinking but started drinking alone.
In Sept. of last year we had a bad windstorm and lost power for over a week. I started staying with the only people with power in the neighborhood. They were drinkers and I was drinking from the moment I woke until I passed out. This started a bad cycle.
I continued drinking every night. Mostly 8 ounces of Vodka mixed with some diet coke. It was the weekend that I really started pumping them out. I'd wake up and started drinking and stayed pretty drunk all day. If I wasn't drunk I didn't feel good. I drank around 3 1.75L per week toward the end.
Eventually I got to the point that I had to drink around the clock to function. I'd try to keep my BAL around 0.05 when at work or I was hurting (go home for lunch - have a drink). I tried cold turkey, but that didn't work. Soon came eye-openers. Then I started sneaking vodka in coffee cups into the office.
Finally in March I had my first, and only, black out. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think I went to bathroom in the middle of the night and fell. I woke up with blood on the floor and on my sheets. I was late for work and made the call for help. A co-worker came and took me the ER.
The Dr. did the usual triage and said we'd have to next do an MRI, X-ray, etc. I asked the co-worker to leave the room and told her I believe I had AWS. She said that was her guess. She wanted to admit me, but I refused (needed family or someone to watch the house and pets). I did need 15 stitches on my chin. She told me my BAL was 0.40 and it was the first time she'd seen it that high without being near death. In fact she said she could barely tell I’d been drinking.
I had my sis drive up and stay with me. I did drink that night. I called it my "last bender" and checked in on the next day. They did the standard stuff, blood tests, pee tests, vitals, CIWA, and Ativan. I was out in three days. Only two days later I was drinking again. Not to the same level, maybe 4 to 6 ounces and I swore off the weekend benders.
That didn’t last long. I slowly ramped back up to same level, thinking I could do a controlled taper down and quit. I was able to taper down and could have quit with only a day of minor AWS…but I didn’t. I was put under a lot stress at work and, sure enough, went on a bender. This time I passed out and didn’t call into work. I was awakened by a policeman saying work wanted to know where I was. I was back in the hospital again.
This time AWS was worse. I was in an extra day and may have had hallucinations. I thought they were dreams, but I’d wake up trying to perform some action (answering a phone) or speaking to someone not there.
On the day they released me (yesterday) the Dr said I have severe liver damage. I was either just on the brink of cirrhosis or had cirrhosis. I definitely have jaundice and feel that I have ascites (which I believe confirms cirrhosis). He said if I binged again, I’d end up needing a liver transplant.
I’m about an hour away from heading for therapy interview and I’m scared as hell. If this is cirrhosis and I won’t feel any better, ever, I’m going to pull one last bender.
I've always been a drinker, but I didn't drink every day and sometimes would go for a year without a drink. Pretty much drank only beer when I did drink. Then a woman happened. Lost 60lbs and quit smoking only to fail with her. Part of the losing weight was switching from beer to vodka. I continued social drinking but started drinking alone.
In Sept. of last year we had a bad windstorm and lost power for over a week. I started staying with the only people with power in the neighborhood. They were drinkers and I was drinking from the moment I woke until I passed out. This started a bad cycle.
I continued drinking every night. Mostly 8 ounces of Vodka mixed with some diet coke. It was the weekend that I really started pumping them out. I'd wake up and started drinking and stayed pretty drunk all day. If I wasn't drunk I didn't feel good. I drank around 3 1.75L per week toward the end.
Eventually I got to the point that I had to drink around the clock to function. I'd try to keep my BAL around 0.05 when at work or I was hurting (go home for lunch - have a drink). I tried cold turkey, but that didn't work. Soon came eye-openers. Then I started sneaking vodka in coffee cups into the office.
Finally in March I had my first, and only, black out. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think I went to bathroom in the middle of the night and fell. I woke up with blood on the floor and on my sheets. I was late for work and made the call for help. A co-worker came and took me the ER.
The Dr. did the usual triage and said we'd have to next do an MRI, X-ray, etc. I asked the co-worker to leave the room and told her I believe I had AWS. She said that was her guess. She wanted to admit me, but I refused (needed family or someone to watch the house and pets). I did need 15 stitches on my chin. She told me my BAL was 0.40 and it was the first time she'd seen it that high without being near death. In fact she said she could barely tell I’d been drinking.
I had my sis drive up and stay with me. I did drink that night. I called it my "last bender" and checked in on the next day. They did the standard stuff, blood tests, pee tests, vitals, CIWA, and Ativan. I was out in three days. Only two days later I was drinking again. Not to the same level, maybe 4 to 6 ounces and I swore off the weekend benders.
That didn’t last long. I slowly ramped back up to same level, thinking I could do a controlled taper down and quit. I was able to taper down and could have quit with only a day of minor AWS…but I didn’t. I was put under a lot stress at work and, sure enough, went on a bender. This time I passed out and didn’t call into work. I was awakened by a policeman saying work wanted to know where I was. I was back in the hospital again.
This time AWS was worse. I was in an extra day and may have had hallucinations. I thought they were dreams, but I’d wake up trying to perform some action (answering a phone) or speaking to someone not there.
On the day they released me (yesterday) the Dr said I have severe liver damage. I was either just on the brink of cirrhosis or had cirrhosis. I definitely have jaundice and feel that I have ascites (which I believe confirms cirrhosis). He said if I binged again, I’d end up needing a liver transplant.
I’m about an hour away from heading for therapy interview and I’m scared as hell. If this is cirrhosis and I won’t feel any better, ever, I’m going to pull one last bender.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
For the love of God the next neder may be the last one man!!!!
I know a man in AA with over 25 years sobriety who has cirrosis of the liver, he is getting on in years now, but he has had a very good life and his health up until recently has been very good. Cirrosis if caught early is not a death sentence, total abstinance arrest the progress of cirrosis and the parts of the liver that have not been destroyed by the cirrosis heal and function more then well enough for a good life.
Make sure you tell the therapist the entire truth, please get detoxed ASAP & start to working on recovery, I can tell you for a fact that there is a sober life beyond your wildest dreams in sobriety.
I know a man in AA with over 25 years sobriety who has cirrosis of the liver, he is getting on in years now, but he has had a very good life and his health up until recently has been very good. Cirrosis if caught early is not a death sentence, total abstinance arrest the progress of cirrosis and the parts of the liver that have not been destroyed by the cirrosis heal and function more then well enough for a good life.
Make sure you tell the therapist the entire truth, please get detoxed ASAP & start to working on recovery, I can tell you for a fact that there is a sober life beyond your wildest dreams in sobriety.
and 
here.Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Chepstow
Posts: 359
Welcome to recovery!
Originally Posted by onthebrink 
If this is cirrhosis and I won’t feel any better, ever, I’m going to pull one last bender.
Recovery for me has been better than excellent - a real positive life-changing experience - though it did take the removal of the obsession to drink to begin to get happy, and that happened quickly since I had to start obsessing about the programme of AA; which works.
Anyway, when I stopped drinking I had to do something pretty much straight away, otherwise I would've started drinking pretty much straight away; so I found a local AA meeting and went there with an open mind (it took a little longer to go with an honest and willing mind).
Welcome to the journey to a new life.
Last edited by Tosh; 08-18-2009 at 10:08 AM. Reason: Clarity
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You can't bring back the liver cells you killed, but the ones that are just damaged can regenerate. If you stop drinking there is an excellent chance your ascites will go away, your skin color will improve...
If you have ascites, you may have esophageal varicies... swollen veins at the top of your stomach... they can break open without warning... and kill you. Please don't go on that last bender... the stress of all that alcohol may be all they need to blow apart.
All bleeding stops. Sometimes it's because there is no more blood left.
Save your own life man, get help. When you are done with your detox, rehab, whatever, we will still be here. We'd like to have you here too....
Mark
If you have ascites, you may have esophageal varicies... swollen veins at the top of your stomach... they can break open without warning... and kill you. Please don't go on that last bender... the stress of all that alcohol may be all they need to blow apart.
All bleeding stops. Sometimes it's because there is no more blood left.
Save your own life man, get help. When you are done with your detox, rehab, whatever, we will still be here. We'd like to have you here too....
Mark
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by onthebrink
This time AWS was worse. I was in an extra day and may have had hallucinations. I thought they were dreams, but I’d wake up trying to perform some action (answering a phone) or speaking to someone not there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
hi onthebrink.
it sounds very scary, and thank you for sharing your story. hopefully you will get on the recovery track now.
"you never have to take another drink".....I used to think that was refreshing to hear when i was in and out of AA. some things i often didn't relate to, but that one made me feel hope.
You are a miraculous being at the center of your heart, but there is fear, anger, and pain within you that is so uncomfortable that you'll do anything to try and relieve the discomfort.
try, try try
it sounds very scary, and thank you for sharing your story. hopefully you will get on the recovery track now.
"you never have to take another drink".....I used to think that was refreshing to hear when i was in and out of AA. some things i often didn't relate to, but that one made me feel hope.
You are a miraculous being at the center of your heart, but there is fear, anger, and pain within you that is so uncomfortable that you'll do anything to try and relieve the discomfort.
try, try try
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 542
Dear Onthebrink, ((((huge Large HUGS))))
OMG! Brink!!! PLEASE....PLEASE....PLEASE!!!!! DO NOT DRINK again. Listen friend...my Dolly, my HUSBAND DIED from alcohol! He was much too young only 56!!! He didn't have to DIE he could have stopped the booze and straightened up but he went on a massive last bender and got pneumonia!
ASK ME...how much it hurts to lose your husband??? The One you LOVE in LIFE!!! PLEASE take the help that is been offered to you brink and LIVE! Yah...Guess who went on a nearly 2 year drunk after there husband died??? Yup me. Well, at least I realized what I was doing to myself I pray before it got too late. Your life is in the balance friend! Accept the help and all the love and support of us hear on Sober Recovery!! We really MEAN IT!
Love and Prayers, Pancake xo
OMG! Brink!!! PLEASE....PLEASE....PLEASE!!!!! DO NOT DRINK again. Listen friend...my Dolly, my HUSBAND DIED from alcohol! He was much too young only 56!!! He didn't have to DIE he could have stopped the booze and straightened up but he went on a massive last bender and got pneumonia!
ASK ME...how much it hurts to lose your husband??? The One you LOVE in LIFE!!! PLEASE take the help that is been offered to you brink and LIVE! Yah...Guess who went on a nearly 2 year drunk after there husband died??? Yup me. Well, at least I realized what I was doing to myself I pray before it got too late. Your life is in the balance friend! Accept the help and all the love and support of us hear on Sober Recovery!! We really MEAN IT!
Love and Prayers, Pancake xo
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
welcome to SR onthebrink
I hope things went better than you expected. Please let us know.
And - please don't go on that bender.
As others have said, don't throw in the towel.
If there's ever a time to reevaluate the effect of alcohol in your life, and start to do things differently, now is that time.
D
I hope things went better than you expected. Please let us know.
And - please don't go on that bender.
As others have said, don't throw in the towel.
If there's ever a time to reevaluate the effect of alcohol in your life, and start to do things differently, now is that time.
D
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
i hope that you will heal spiritually, emotionally,
mentally, and physically. Prayers for your potential
recovery from alcoholism & self destructive behaviors.
i hope that you will heal spiritually, emotionally,
mentally, and physically. Prayers for your potential
recovery from alcoholism & self destructive behaviors.
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