At a loss of what to do in the situation..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
At a loss of what to do in the situation..
Hi all,
I am new to this forum. I'm telling my story because I'm at a loss of what to do, and it helps to know that some will relate to what I am going through.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict. He started using at a young age and used for about 3 years. He then quit and was clean for the past 5 years. However, he started using again a few months ago. I left him because he became mean and belittled me often, I couldn't take it anymore, and I knew he was not willing to give up the drug. He ended up quitting and I went back to him. Long story short he started using again about a month ago. He told me that he was using again and that he wants to be sober. We looked into Methadone programs but he said he wanted to try it cold turkey first. After he decided to quit cold turkey he started avoiding me, I knew this was a sign that he was not doing well. We have been talking and he said that he is no longer doing heroin, but he is using a lot of coke and drinking lots of alcohol. He sees no problem with this. He is not healthy, he is losing weight and skipping work. In his younger years he overdosed, and I know his body cannot take more substance abuse. I'm afraid he is going to hurt himself. I have talked to his roommate about his problem (who is not an addict) and they are concerned as well.
I'm not at a loss of what to do. I know previously he was sincere about being sober, however he was unable to do it. Now when I try to approach the subject he gets angry and says he knows what he is doing. Do I talk to his parents? Do we have an intervention? Or do I just walk away?
If anyone has suggestions I would greatly appreciate them..
I am new to this forum. I'm telling my story because I'm at a loss of what to do, and it helps to know that some will relate to what I am going through.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict. He started using at a young age and used for about 3 years. He then quit and was clean for the past 5 years. However, he started using again a few months ago. I left him because he became mean and belittled me often, I couldn't take it anymore, and I knew he was not willing to give up the drug. He ended up quitting and I went back to him. Long story short he started using again about a month ago. He told me that he was using again and that he wants to be sober. We looked into Methadone programs but he said he wanted to try it cold turkey first. After he decided to quit cold turkey he started avoiding me, I knew this was a sign that he was not doing well. We have been talking and he said that he is no longer doing heroin, but he is using a lot of coke and drinking lots of alcohol. He sees no problem with this. He is not healthy, he is losing weight and skipping work. In his younger years he overdosed, and I know his body cannot take more substance abuse. I'm afraid he is going to hurt himself. I have talked to his roommate about his problem (who is not an addict) and they are concerned as well.
I'm not at a loss of what to do. I know previously he was sincere about being sober, however he was unable to do it. Now when I try to approach the subject he gets angry and says he knows what he is doing. Do I talk to his parents? Do we have an intervention? Or do I just walk away?
If anyone has suggestions I would greatly appreciate them..
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
As kindly as I can, and it hurts to hear this, but I would suggest walking away.
We learn the the 3 c's: We did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it.
We are helpless over their addiction.
He has made it clear that he doesn't want help and he doesn't think he has a problem.
If he doesn't believe he has a problem then he certainly isn't interested in any solutions to a problem he doesn't have. It doesn't matter what anyone else sees or knows.
I would suggest to you that you read the stickies at the top of this forum, they are wise and helpful.
There will be others along soon, you have come to a wonderful place with many caring folks. Welcome.
hugs, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
live
We learn the the 3 c's: We did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it.
We are helpless over their addiction.
He has made it clear that he doesn't want help and he doesn't think he has a problem.
If he doesn't believe he has a problem then he certainly isn't interested in any solutions to a problem he doesn't have. It doesn't matter what anyone else sees or knows.
I would suggest to you that you read the stickies at the top of this forum, they are wise and helpful.
There will be others along soon, you have come to a wonderful place with many caring folks. Welcome.
hugs, (hope, unity, gratitude, serenity)
live
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi welcome, sorry you have to be here but glad you are. sorry to say but there is nothing you can do to help him, he has to help himself. as it is, sounds like he's just not truly ready. when he is, he WILL be willing to got to any lengths to get help.
i think the best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself. he may not be ready but you don't have to live in his world with him. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, get educated about addiction and codependancy. keep reading and posting. others will be along shortly to share their experience strength and hope.
you are not alone here, we all have been or is still where you are right not. we are family and we all care. i'll keep you and yours in my prayers
i think the best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself. he may not be ready but you don't have to live in his world with him. read the stickies at the top of the forum page, get educated about addiction and codependancy. keep reading and posting. others will be along shortly to share their experience strength and hope.
you are not alone here, we all have been or is still where you are right not. we are family and we all care. i'll keep you and yours in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
The selfish, naive side of myself wants to argue with you both. I want to say that I know deep down he wants to be clean and that he was sincere when he told me. However, I know that cannot live suspending in this belief. I'm sure that part of him does want to be sober, however, at the moment it seems that he is unable to make that step for himself.
Thank you, thank you, for your kind replies. It helps an unbelievable amount to know that others are supportive.
I'm going to go read the stickies at the top of the page!
Thank you, thank you, for your kind replies. It helps an unbelievable amount to know that others are supportive.
I'm going to go read the stickies at the top of the page!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You will find support and friendship whatever your choices.
They are yours and yours alone to make.
Many of us have stuck with them for years.
Eventually the pain becomes too great, which is what has brought most of us here.
We also learn that sometimes sticking with them prevents them from getting help, because we rescue them and unwittingly prolong the "success" of the addiction.
They are yours and yours alone to make.
Many of us have stuck with them for years.
Eventually the pain becomes too great, which is what has brought most of us here.
We also learn that sometimes sticking with them prevents them from getting help, because we rescue them and unwittingly prolong the "success" of the addiction.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i am a recovering addict so let me share on that note. when i was actively using, i honestly did want help until i got the drugs, then it was one more time, its never ending. i was always sincere about quitting when the money and drugs were gone and i was crashing and craving.
i'm not saying that he's not sincere but i am asking you if his actions match his words. addiction is very hard to kick, its a life and death fight and it takes a life and death decision to seek help and work a program. it took for my family to totally cut me off long enough for me to lose most everything before i was desperate enough to do what ever i had to do to get help and commit to working a plan of recovery, half stepping just didn't work for me, i tried that too.
all i'm saying is that you can help him more by doing what you need to do to make your own life better. focus on you and allow him to do the same.
i went through what you are going through now for 21yrs with my ah and it almost drove me insane.
i'm not saying that he's not sincere but i am asking you if his actions match his words. addiction is very hard to kick, its a life and death fight and it takes a life and death decision to seek help and work a program. it took for my family to totally cut me off long enough for me to lose most everything before i was desperate enough to do what ever i had to do to get help and commit to working a plan of recovery, half stepping just didn't work for me, i tried that too.
all i'm saying is that you can help him more by doing what you need to do to make your own life better. focus on you and allow him to do the same.
i went through what you are going through now for 21yrs with my ah and it almost drove me insane.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 90
Hi Greenflowers, I can relate. My Ex was clean 8 years from a heroin addiciton when we met we went together for a year and then lived together for 2 years very happily.....then he got sick with shingles and started taking percocets well that was the beigning of the end. He knew he was on a slippery slope taking those pills but he insisted the pain in his head was so bad he had too. Well shortly after he got rid of the shigles but kept the addiction and it quickly escalted to heroin again. I was crazy... I never dealt with a drug addciton before and had no idea what to do... I was frantic. I did exactly the things you thought of i called his family and we had an intervention...well it worked in that he went to rehab for 60 days of treatment and came back to our house after 60 days of treatment got high within 3 hours!!!! I tell you know honey please distance yourself from this before you get in to deep. It took me 2 years to stop the madness and several rehabs, counselors all were futile he didn't want it...we all wanted it more for him than he did. I have not seen him or had any contact now for 6 years but i saw his daughter recently who is 23 now and she told me he is in jail for stealing to get money for drugs....what a waste as this guy was a wonderful drug counselor respected in the community and an unbelievably great guy till he relapsed.....Sadly he was not able to get back on track and i wasted 2 years trying. All I can say to you is walk away...it sounds harsh i know and when i was in your shoes i coudln't do it but looking back i wish i had!!!!
You have come to a good place at SR,,,read all you can, educate yourself and if you need support find a local ALANON or NARANON meeting they will help you a lot....and stay on SR these folks are a wealth of information.
Stay Strong and get some help for you...
You have come to a good place at SR,,,read all you can, educate yourself and if you need support find a local ALANON or NARANON meeting they will help you a lot....and stay on SR these folks are a wealth of information.
Stay Strong and get some help for you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 6
I know at this point in my life it is best for me to leave him. I'm so upset at myself for taking him back in the first place. I was doing so good, weeks with no contact, until he showed up at my house crying for forgiveness. I know this is something that I cannot choose to carry for the rest of my life. I need to accept the fact that I cannot make him healthy and need to focus on myself.
Teke- Congrats on being in recovery. How long has it been?
Butterfly- thanks for sharing your story and experiences.
liveweyerd- thank you for all the words of encouragement!
Also, what does AH stand for?
Teke- Congrats on being in recovery. How long has it been?
Butterfly- thanks for sharing your story and experiences.
liveweyerd- thank you for all the words of encouragement!
Also, what does AH stand for?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by greenflowers 
Teke- Congrats on being in recovery. How long has it been?
r
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
AH=Addict/Alcoholic Husband
As hard as it is now to get out, in my experience in only gets harder with more time.
I can't count how many times I left the finally for all time EXABF over a 5 year period.
I am a slow learner!
As hard as it is now to get out, in my experience in only gets harder with more time.
I can't count how many times I left the finally for all time EXABF over a 5 year period.I am a slow learner!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm a slow learner too. it took me 21 miserable yrs. to leave or not is a decision only you can make. it does help the addict more when they dont have a cushion to break their fall. i had to bottom out before i was desperate enough to seek help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
:codiepolice....We have a cute little thingie that answers that one, let me go find it....oh, there it is, in front....ummmm....in short: NO, not your place to intervene. Sorry. That is trying to manipulate and control the situation. It is out of your hands.
...there, is that what it feels like?
...there, is that what it feels like?
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