holdfold

Made it..... this has been a long journey and all I have achieved is to finally say those magic words 'I am an alcoholic'... I sit with tears in my eyes and realize it is time to surrender... I cannot do this by myself as strong and tenacious that I am. I have fought my whole life and was unafraid of anything, but somewhere I lost the strength = in the bottom of every bottle. I graduated from social drinking to providing hospitality at an executive level for company A listers looking to spend a lot of money with my firm and lately I find myself looking at the clock at 8 am asking myself when is too early too early? Vodka is the poison.... like a snake that writhes through me, leeching any energy or interest that I might have had. I have family and a prestige career and so far I have been able to hide it. I choose not to hide it anymore... so here I am looking down the cliff and ready for hope and help. I have no interest in the christian healing, I align my thinking more with Buddha and there is an irony as we are to be pure of body and spirit (!) Stiffen the sinews and summon the blood..... any and all support is welcome, particularly to cure me of these constant need to apologize ! Thank you all for what has long been written down in this resource it has given me the strength to teeter onto the right path..... I feel like I am in the Mel Brook's movie High Anxiety and can still remember the song that goes with it!

least

It IS possible to stop drinking and live a sober life. It's simple but not easy, and starts with just not drinking today. No matter what, don't drink today. Each day sober will get a bit easier. You may also want to talk to your doctor about medical help in detoxing. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous so medical supervision is a good idea.

Welcome to SR!

jamdls

Welcome to SR. You've reached a most important step acknowledging to yourself that you are an alcoholic, congratulations! I had been in the hospital for 6 days with a hole in my liver before I could say "I'm an alcoholic" but once I truly accepted that I was on the road to recovery and my life just keeps getting better. You aren't looking "down the cliff" my friend you are looking up it can be a long climb up but it's worth the struggle.

tallcactus

and holdfold,
Yes, that it is a big step as jamdls stated, to admit that U R powerless.
Do whatever U need to do to stay sober. Seeking medical advice is important too for a safe detox. Stick around, read and keep coming back and let all of us know how U R doing.
That song "Hello Darkness," caught my eye.
R U A card player?
Stay strong.

MycoolFitz

Welcome my friend. Self recognition (even if there is no ultimate self) is a great start. Recognizing and admitting may be the hardest part the rest just involves not picking up and finding and utilizing whatever intewrnal and external resources you need. Buddhist make good alcoholics (Alan Watts) also good recoverers. Ther are a number of good books out there including "The 12-Step Buddhist" One Breath at a Time" and "The Zen of REcovery" You'll also find support in the Spirituality forum here. In fact I just posted a thread yesterday on Buddhism and Recovery. All my best to you. Namaste

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Holdfold, man you sound like you are in the same place I was when I finally surrendered!!! Way to many similarities with one exception, you have a leg up on me, you have a grasp on spirituality, I felt spiritually void of all, there was a hole in my sould that I could no longer fill with the booze, it had just quit working.

Have you thought of AA? Please do not jump to conclusions about AA being religous in any manner until you investigat with an open mind. AA is all about spirituality and not religion. In AA you will find it all, aethiest, agnostics, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, Buudists etc. in AA I learned just how spiritual one can be without any religion.

The key for me was simply finding a power greater then myself or alcohol that could help me to solve my problems.

You have taken that first step which is key, one can not rectify a problem unless they admit there is one in the first place. Look if you decide AA is not for you then there are a lot of other fine programs that may be the ticket for you.

As you have said you can not do it alone, most of us can not, we need some form of support and a program. The key to any program is to be willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober, follow the suggestions of the program to the absolute best of your ability. In AA I found additional help in dealing with my alcoholism, a power greater then I of my choosing that I rely on to guide and help me along the path.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

Many of us are winning over our alcoholism
glad you are looking for your solution.

thirtybubba

Welcome, Holdfold.

holdfold

I am humbled that the responses have been so quick and am resting easier knowing that there are strong hands to help pick me up but ultimately I have to stand on my own two feet.
To the most important question from Tall... I used to be a hold em player and kept losing so that was one addiction I managed to avoid!
I will check out the spirituality section later when I have more time as I am still functioning at work (!)
I have an appointment with a consellor next week and it is frustrating knowing what the problem is and seeing what the solution is but not being able to connect the dots.... if you have to eat a sh't sandwich don;t nibble, seems to be the local slang.....
In reading around the subject there seems to be a debate as to whether this is a disease as there is some change to brain chemistry or is it weakness = lack of will... thinking on from that point I think that is why I am so angry with myself which leads to self-loathing etc etc... hop on the merry go around anytime you want! I note in on of the posts, the comment from robin Williams as to why he quit drinking and not liking his car keys in his ass at four in the morning.... the add-on to that line that a grand jury really helps you make better choices too......
I will keep smiling.......

tommyk

"Vodka is the poison.... like a snake that writhes through me, leeching any energy or interest that I might have had."

Never forget that.

Keep coming back.

MycoolFitz

As for disease check out www.addictiondoctor.com

baldjim

welcome to the first step on a journey to a much better life

i never thought i could do nearly 80 days but i have and with the help of these great folks on SR its just possible you could too ...trust me ... i'm not a doctor

Tazman53

holdfold the disease or not deal will go on forever, I side myself with the mainstream scientific and medical community that it is a disease, but the reality of it all is it does not matter if it is a disease or not, if one is an alcoholic and continues to drink they will get worse and worse and they will go to an early grave whether it is a disease or not will not matter.

Solutions are what we really need to focus on.

holdfold

Taz, you are of course right why worry about the definition when the cause/solution is more pressing..... it's an affliction being an engineer.... it is broken, why is it broken, who broke it (that was the management question!)....but really it is ......it shouldn;t be broken.... for me I am making sense of many more things as I look at my family and realize I want to be at my daughter's weddings and share the sense of pride with my son when he has taken an engine apart and has parts left over....I will miss mowing the lawn with a cold beer in hand but hey I like Sprite too and believe it or not the bloody mary mix without the vodka..... a good breakfast drink... I hate to contiminate the vodka with anything ..... I know I am making light but that has been the strength for me in bad times and for me there is no better feeling than enjoying humor and a 'bloody good laugh' at some one else's expense.... not even alcohol can rob you of that!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I think there is a lot of shame involved with addiction and it's hard to get past that.

I try to remember that addiction is not a character defect, it's a disease.

I had to make changes in my life when I began recovery and it was scary and hard, but so worth it. Since then, I have danced at both my children's weddings, have welcomed a gorgeous grandson into the world and am awaiting the birth of a second grandchild. It doesn't get any better than this!

Hevyn

Welcome to the family Holdfold. Self-loathing, remorse & guilt are useless emotions that waste our time and brainpower. I spent plenty of time stuck on square one, frozen due to negative thoughts, and horror at the things I'd allowed to happen. Once I acknowledged what my life had become, and accepted that I couldn't change it, I was able to move on. Our emotions are raw in the beginning, so be kind to yourself. You've been dependent on your "friend" for so long, fallen back on it in all sorts of situations to see you through. (Or so you thought.)

I started out getting buzzed on 2 beers & over time graduated to 100 proof vodka. I was drinking it straight in the end, and always had something by my side (even at work, hidden in my bathroom) because I'd shake so badly without it. What was once fun and relaxing became a living hell. I was enslaved. It took me many years to come to the conclusion that you have - so be proud of yourself, and be kind to yourself as you allow the healing to begin.

holdfold

Thank you all.... Hevyn you struck a chord with Vodka being my lapdog and always within reach whether at work or home and finding a way to disguise the poison. Amazing how there is a pattern with all that have been afflicted.... which is only logical when the sober hat is on.
......do.... there is no try.....

KenL

Welcome to SR. Lots of good folks here to get help and support from.

I was particularly struck by the title of your thread. Those are the first words to Simon and Garfunkel's classic song titled The Sound of Silence. A song that in my opinion has much to do with people in our society who really don't communicate in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

Just a few lines...

People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share

Fools said I you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words like silent raindrops fell
and echoed
In the wells of silence.

To me, these lines apply to much of society in general. But to some of us who suffer from addiction I think they have profound meaning. We see it from both sides. We are sometimes silent and don't ask for help. And then there are times when we shout out but can't be heard.

Dee74

Lots of great advice here holdfold

I remember thinking 'is it too early'? many many times - I eventually gave up asking.

It's never too late to fan that little flame of desire to quit.

This place is a great support


D

whitehorses

Welcome Holdfold, i just joined today, wine is my demon, she tells me she is my friend, wraps me in her velvety embrace, takes my money ,my health , turns me into a screaming banshee at times, but still i like her.. who needs a friend like that?, i am finally ready to get her out of my life, stay strong you are at rock bottom now, the only way now is up.
By the way " Oh what tangled webs we weave, when first we practice to decieve"
dont we think we are clever with our hiding places for drink, how devious can you get, i even hid some in the chicken corn.. of course i was found out.