cessy68

Hi guys.... wanted to get some feedback from people who have been down this road.

I told you all about how 'dispondent' I have been towards my abf.... and his 'pill issues'.

The abf has had a talk with me 'again' about getting 'clean', takeing 'another' week off from work, getting off the pills... (again), and wanting me to 'help him' -- 'can't do it without me', etc................

Tells me he wants to be authentically 'happy' with us, the way it used to be -- etc.

I don't know what to do or think.

I feel that there are so many 'tries' and 'promises' that ended up broken. I don't feel the 'need' or the 'energy' to try and 'help' him again.........

in addition, I have been reading from the recovered addicts on this site--- that 'true recovery' takes so long........ and it changes people. I don't know if I'm ready for those 'changes' or if it will change him so much.....that he won't even understand why I held on for so long.... in the name of believeing in him.

I hope I'm makeing sense............ I was so ready to let go of him, and tell him I can't do this dance anymore, and NOW, he's ready to supposebly get clean, and wants MY help.......................

I don't know anymore.

I really don't.

This has been too long, and too hard.

Love,
Cess

teke

hi, he says he can't do it without you but the truth is, you can't help him, he has to help himself for himself. i know how hard it is, i tried to be there for my ah for 21yrs and the last i heard, he was still making and breaking promises and still addicted.i really hope that he is serious about seeking help but i think its time for you to do whats best for you.

Freedom1990

My favorite quote from Dr. Phil..."The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

:ghug2 :ghug2

barblsn

What I've learned is that you can only go by what people do, not what they say. While I think that with addiction, you have to be very cautious, I don't like "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." People can make changes. I have. And that's what you look for...change. What will he do differently this time? What will you?????

Callie

Aww Cessy - I'm sorry he's trying to drag you in again. You can try it if you want, but as Anvil said he's pulling out all of the stops. That is the one 'hook' that he knows will draw you in. The I can's, I wills, I wants that the addict spews - that is a codies drug. That is all we ever wanted right, them to be on the same page reading the same story with us.

lost84

wow cessy, what a tough call id love to be in your position but from studying and reading it looks like the recovery road is LONG AND HARD. it may be worse than dealing with them using in my opinion... I think if your ready to let go you should. Staying longer makes things SO much worse as we all know.. unless you believe and his actions speak loder than words this time their may be no point.... I hope all works out for you. i really HATE drugs.

kj3880

Lost,
Whyever would you want to be in Cessy's difficult position? I think that the best thing someone in active addiction can do for a partner is to leave them alone until they get clean. Cessy's AH is putting her on the spot, trying to drag her back into the codie trap again. Trying to get Cessy to allow him to hold her hostage to his addiction. That's a nightmare, nothing to be jealous of at all. Play your cards right, Lost, and you may stay out of this painful life permanently.

And Cessy? As I've said before, you are a very intelligent woman, and you know something about the codie dance now. If you were your own best friend, what would you tell you to do?

Be your own best friend.

Love,
KJ

Callie

Great advice though it's very hard to do. My bff's are shocked at what I've tolerated. *I* am shocked at what I've tolerated. I often think of my dd and what would I do if when she gets married and someone does to her what my H has done to me. It wouldn't be pretty!

rose

Callie,

He says he needs your help...just what is he expecting you to help him with? He got himself into this mess, he can get himself out.

My exah played this little one with me too, he was going to wean himself off crack, wanted me to keep the crack and just give him a bit here and there...."honey it is time for your 3:00 dose of crack, I have it already for you"! Unreal! The real sick thing about it was his dad thought it was a great idea. I said well take him to your place and dole the crack out if you think is such a great idea!

Rose

teke

sorry but i thought this one was kind of funny. boy! the stuff we addicts can come up with.

Limiya

What a difficult decision. I've heard it before too. "i don't want the drugs anymore, blah blah" then a few days later it's too difficult and goes back to it.
I would wait and see if he takes the initiative himself, and sets the ball rolling himself.

Good luck.
~Limiya~

cassandra2

Cess at this point those are just words. Really thats all they are. His actions keep telling you he is going to continue to use. Trust me when I say you will know when he is "done" and you will also know when he ISNT.

As far as changes in real recovery yes they are huge drastic changes but in many ways they are all for the GOOD.

I still see some of the addictive actions and probably will for a really long time but I think for the most part all of the real changes have been positive.

Personally I think your concerns about the way you think your abf will see you if and when he seeks recovery is wrapped up in codieism......That is just my opinion. Too often we as codies PERSONALIZE to much of everyone else's crap.

My RABF and I speak ALOT about addiction and the way you think when you are on substances and then when your thinking becomes clearer when you are off of them. When he first got clean he said that he was VERY upset that he could no longer do drugs. He wasnt ready to quit. He hated the whole WORLD because he couldnt do drugs anymore AT ALL for the rest of his life.

I am using that example to illustrate how much their addictions OWN them and how screwed up their thinking is. When they REALLY want to get clean their attitudes completely CHANGE.

My RABF never says that he will NEVER do drugs again. He says that just for today he is drug free. He TOTALLY lives by the one day at a time theme. FOR EVERYTHING. He said that if he thinks about not using for the rest of his life right now that it overwhelms him and brings on the cravings and the thought patterns that lead to relapse.

So when you hear people talk about recovering addicts changing, its their THOUGHT PROCESSES that are changing. He is still the same guy, same sense of humor, same honorable man, same family man, same guy that wants to honor the committment he made to our kids he was before the drugs except that he is a little wiser. I would say that he is a better man today and with each day of sobriety he is getting even better. Recovery is a process that starts with really truly wanting to change.

One more thing as far as the words that come out of peoples mouths. When I decided I was gonna go back to school, yes I told people, but I followed it up with action. I went and got my transcripts, took the testing I had to take, enrolled did all the steps (actions) that I needed to do to go back to school. So if someone says that they are gonna do something the next thing to do is watch what they do......

I hope that that offers a little something for you. I am here you know that. Keep us updated......

wuzzled

I agree with this. Freedom, I don't understand why "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." How did your past behavior affect your future behavior? I have read many things you've written on this board, and have for the most part found them to be encouraging. It's great to know that long term recovery is possible. You are an inspiration to many.

People can and do make changes, you being a great example of such. Obviously, your past behavior didn't affect your future behavior, or at least in a negative way. Perhaps your past behavior "changed" your future behavior, and for the best. This can happen to others too. Affecting behavior in a more positive way. IMHO.

Freedom1990

Yes, people can and do change. For me, the longer I was in recovery, the better my chances looked for the future.

My early years I was struggling a lot. If I were a betting person, I would have bet that long-term recovery wasn't going to happen!

So, for me, with 19 years in recovery now, I'd say my future looks bright if I continue to do the things I have done to stay clean/sober that long.

Make any sense?

MrsMagoo

If he wants to quit using drugs, he will move heaven and earth to get off drugs and stay off drugs. You being in the picture is just the addicts way of keeping you around. They need a person they can manipulate around as urgently as they need their DOC.

When my AH was using, I thought that I surely couldn't kick him when he was down - it was inhumane and definately not what a good wife should do. He "needed" me to support him and encourage him is what I told myself - several times in fact, after several detoxes and several break-ups and rehab.

It's all a lie. I lied to myself and he lied to me over and over again every time he reeled me back in because he knew the magic words, he knew me and my need to take care of him and everybody else. An addict can sniff out another addict just was well as they can sniff out an enabler and a co-dependant. An addict is not stupid and should never be underestimated.

I just walked away recently. I finally figured out that I was the one who kept determining when AH had surely had enough. I kept deciding where his rock bottom was and I kept opening my door after some clean time because I just knew if I didn't, the streets would call his name again - that he didn't stand a chance without me.

I walked away and I'm not sorry this time. I've done all I can. I've wore all the hats and cleaned up all the messes. When AH wants to get clean, he will. He knows what he needs to do but HE HAS TO WANT IT. He can't do it for me or our family. IF he does, it's for the WRONG reasons.

IF he can one day show me solid clean time and clean time that he's gotten for himself and without my help, I may consider letting him be a part of our daughter's life but he has to SHOW me, for at least one solid year, that he can do this for him and not for me and not for our little girl.

I'm ready to live my life for me and quit giving him everything I had. I need to find my identity outside of HIS addiction and so do you sweetie. We loose ourselves in all this. Not on purpose of course but when it defines us, we loose who we are, who we once were and who we are destined to become.

Take this addiction and what you've learned and put it into practice. It's scarey!! Terrifying. You must have faith that you are where you are right now for a reason. Reach out to God or whatever is your higher power and reach out to friends, accountability partners, sponsors, SR and allow yourself to live your life for you. Living in fear and distrust and without respect for your partner sucks. There is freedom when you walk away and turn your back on all you've known for years and you begin to do things differently, for you and because it makes you feel good and happy.

I'm just so excited about what's happened in my life over the past month that I want to shout to everybody, "RUN, RUN, RUN!!!" I know, however, from experience, that it rarely happens quickly for us, I surely did not with me. The pieces WILL fall into place. You are here. If they don't, it's not because you weren't given the tools. You will live your life as you choose to live it. You have choices and free will and nobody here will dog you out if you haven't reached YOUR bottom today. You have to figure out when you've had enough, not when he's had enough. You can still love him and walk away. The truest expression of love is to walk away. You can help him the most by walking away and getting you healthy. You first! For us codies, that is very unfamiliar territory and extremly uncomfortable.

MrsMagoo

Wow Freedom! 19 YEARS!! That is so cool. Good job girl!!

PurpleWilder

I am sorry you are going through all of this.

One thing I have found to be helpful is this:

When my ex starts with his alkie crap, I visualize that he is shouting or saying those same things from the window of an insane asylum. It sure helps put it into perspective.

Don't let him drag you into the asylum with him. He has chosen his world; let him live in it.

Abundance

Shut Up... JUST Shut UP~!

I WISH that I knew of this song months if not years ago!

YouTube - Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up [With Lyrics!]

Cessy.... if he's "talking" .... you start a walking! Cause ... unless he is "walking the walk" ........ his words are QUACK!

JUST SHUT UP!

(just got back from a long road trip .... lots of Black Eyed Peas - all 3 albums in rotation..... and WOW.... this song could not have been more dead on- I wish I would have used "shut up"~!

itisatruth

Aww, Cess....what's the saying....reading between the lines. I think that's what you have to do....and I'm not talking about his "lines" (words), I'm talking about yours! I read your post and I hear it in your "voice"....you said it yourself....it has been too long and too hard.

Do both of yourselves a favor....do what you have to for YOU and let him do what he needs to do for himself. If he really and truly wants it, he should be ready to do it on his own because if he doesn't, he'll end up on his own....and alone. That's his lesson to learn - and he won't learn it with you helping him. Sorry....I know how hard it is to feel pulled in that way,
I feel for you.....your post could have been written by me at one time...

Hugs~

Freedom1990

Oh...my...gawd...I LOVE that song!!!!!!!!!!