What's wrong with our daughter? Could it be substance abuse?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
What's wrong with our daughter? Could it be substance abuse?
Hello:
I'm new to this site, and am hoping for some feedback from others on this forum as to whether I'm on the right track with my suspicions about our adult daughter.
My husband and I have watched in dismay as our 27 year old seems to have regressed on so many levels (emotionally, morally, intellectually) over the past several years. It's as though she's aged in reverse rather than what would be normally expected, and certainly what we'd hoped and expected.
When she graduated from college four years ago (with a degree in History), she declined to go to graduate school, saying she didn't know what she wanted to do, career-wise, and wanted to try out the work-world for a while before committing to graduate school and a specific career. At the time, we appreciated what seemed a wise and logical decision on her part. We weren't troubled by her decision as she'd always seemed to be a responsible, motivated, focused, level-headed girl.
With help from us, she established herself in San Jose, got a job in marketing, bought a car, furniture for her rental house, and managed her money appropriately, establishing good credit with regular car payments. She began dating a young man, an engineer, who she introduced to us. She continued to be engaged with us as she'd always been close to us and expressed her gratitude for the good relations our little family had always shared.
Then, things began to change.
She dropped her boyfriend (too boring), began a volatile relationship with a new boyfriend. That relationship ended in acrimony after some physical and emotional altercations. But before this relationship ended, she began smoking cigarettes, picking up her boyfriend's habit, at the ripe age of 23!
She was laid off from her job, as the economy began to sour (or so we thought). Then she moved to San Francisco, and began to establish friends in the gay community, immersing herself in the gay nightclub scene and becoming involved as an activist. She found a new marketing job there, and started a pattern of wild partying after work hours, literally every night. One night, she fell down a flight of stairs, drunk, and sustained a significant head injury that landed her in the hospital and kept her out of work for two weeks. She went back to work, and began a six-month relationship with one of her co-workers, a married man who had a young child, and, as well, a serious cocaine habit.
Finally, she broke off with her co-worker, telling us she knew the relationship was morally wrong. She dated several more men, all these relationships ending because they were "untrustworthy". Finally, she "came out", announcing to family and friends she was bi-sexual. She began dating a troubled young woman who is an alcoholic and poly-drug user (meth, cocaine, etc) . Soon after she embarked on this relationship, she was fired from her job, literally marched out the door of her company by her supervisor the very afternoon she was fired. She tried to find work, but couldn't, and went on unemployment. She and her girl-friend partied heavily. One night, they were mugged outside a nightclub as they were drunk and presented as easy targets.
After several months of looking, she did land a job, working part-time, in a child-care company. She never did find a full time job in her previous field of marketing. (Not surprising, given the economy).
She began having trouble financially, with creditors hounding her, even trying to reach her at our house. She and her girlfriend broke up, after the girlfriend, following an intervention arranged by our daughter, went into a recovery program in a distant city. There was brief reconciliation between the women, but it did not last.
Then, her car was broken into, and she could no longer drive it. We gave her some money to repair the car window, but she failed to get the car repaired and used the money for something else. Because she didn't repair it, and could no longer pay insurance on it, we took it down to our house for safe-keeping. When it came to time renew the registration, we found she'd racked up nearly $1,000 in multiple parking fines which she'd never paid.
After the car incident, we realized we could no longer trust her financially, so we stopped giving her ANY money. While she no longer had a source of money from us, it did not stop her from cajoling money from other people, friends, mostly, but also her cousin. A troubling pattern of reliance on (sponging off of) other people was beginning to become evident.
Things continued to go downhill for her financially. Most recently, her part-time employment has been reduced to just a few hours a week. As her unemployment has run out, she was no longer able to continue to rent the house she shared with two roomates and announced to us she'd be moving out. We hoped she'd move back to her home town, and enroll in a graduate program (nursing) as she'd expressed an interest in furthering her education and achieving a career position in the field of health care. We offered to set her up in an apartment in our home town, get her enrolled in a graduate school, and help her financially with furthering her education. She did not take us up on this offer, but instead just moved in with a friend of hers, a wealthy lesbian, age 40, who is very attracted to our daughter and has been trying (successfully as it turns out) to buy her companionship with expensive electronics, clothes, and other accoutrements. Although our daughter has by now identified herself as a lesbian rather than a bisexual, she does not find this older woman attractive, has no romantic interest in her, but is quite comfortable perceiving this woman to be a dear friend (who also happens to be paying all the bills).
Because of our daughter's penchant for wild partying, her financial irresponsibility (she is always "borrowing" money from friends to get out of financial scrapes she seems unable to avoid) because she has become so dependent on others for transportation, food, and now even lodging, and particularly because her social group consists of drug users, I've concluded she is either alcoholic, and/or a poly substance abuser like her companions.
My husband, her father, is slowly coming around to the recognition that something is seriously wrong with our daughter, although at this point he is unwilling or unable to identify what the problem is. She and he communicate regularly, and until very recently, he has allowed himself to be reassured by her promises that she's "doing better" "going to get back into school", "doesn't do drugs, just drinks alcohol", is "cooperating with her creditors to pay off her debts" and the like.
Within our immediate family (aunt, uncle, cousins) our daughter claims the problems between her and her parents are primarily due to "homophobia". This claim has never washed particularly well, as we have close friends who are gay. But it is a useful dodge for our daughter, and one that she clings to as her rationale for her current situation.
I've decided there's not much I can do right now than wait for our daughter's continued dysfunction to finally penetrate fully past her father's defenses. Unfortunately, she has not yet hit bottom, due to the enabling new "friend" she is currently living with. My plan is to maintain a watch-and-wait stance, hoping that the inevitable tensions will arise between the two women, creating such distress that we may have an opening to confront our daughter.
Any suggestions? Warnings? Am I on the wrong track here? Deluding myself?
I'd love to hear from some of you!
I'm new to this site, and am hoping for some feedback from others on this forum as to whether I'm on the right track with my suspicions about our adult daughter.
My husband and I have watched in dismay as our 27 year old seems to have regressed on so many levels (emotionally, morally, intellectually) over the past several years. It's as though she's aged in reverse rather than what would be normally expected, and certainly what we'd hoped and expected.
When she graduated from college four years ago (with a degree in History), she declined to go to graduate school, saying she didn't know what she wanted to do, career-wise, and wanted to try out the work-world for a while before committing to graduate school and a specific career. At the time, we appreciated what seemed a wise and logical decision on her part. We weren't troubled by her decision as she'd always seemed to be a responsible, motivated, focused, level-headed girl.
With help from us, she established herself in San Jose, got a job in marketing, bought a car, furniture for her rental house, and managed her money appropriately, establishing good credit with regular car payments. She began dating a young man, an engineer, who she introduced to us. She continued to be engaged with us as she'd always been close to us and expressed her gratitude for the good relations our little family had always shared.
Then, things began to change.
She dropped her boyfriend (too boring), began a volatile relationship with a new boyfriend. That relationship ended in acrimony after some physical and emotional altercations. But before this relationship ended, she began smoking cigarettes, picking up her boyfriend's habit, at the ripe age of 23!
She was laid off from her job, as the economy began to sour (or so we thought). Then she moved to San Francisco, and began to establish friends in the gay community, immersing herself in the gay nightclub scene and becoming involved as an activist. She found a new marketing job there, and started a pattern of wild partying after work hours, literally every night. One night, she fell down a flight of stairs, drunk, and sustained a significant head injury that landed her in the hospital and kept her out of work for two weeks. She went back to work, and began a six-month relationship with one of her co-workers, a married man who had a young child, and, as well, a serious cocaine habit.
Finally, she broke off with her co-worker, telling us she knew the relationship was morally wrong. She dated several more men, all these relationships ending because they were "untrustworthy". Finally, she "came out", announcing to family and friends she was bi-sexual. She began dating a troubled young woman who is an alcoholic and poly-drug user (meth, cocaine, etc) . Soon after she embarked on this relationship, she was fired from her job, literally marched out the door of her company by her supervisor the very afternoon she was fired. She tried to find work, but couldn't, and went on unemployment. She and her girl-friend partied heavily. One night, they were mugged outside a nightclub as they were drunk and presented as easy targets.
After several months of looking, she did land a job, working part-time, in a child-care company. She never did find a full time job in her previous field of marketing. (Not surprising, given the economy).
She began having trouble financially, with creditors hounding her, even trying to reach her at our house. She and her girlfriend broke up, after the girlfriend, following an intervention arranged by our daughter, went into a recovery program in a distant city. There was brief reconciliation between the women, but it did not last.
Then, her car was broken into, and she could no longer drive it. We gave her some money to repair the car window, but she failed to get the car repaired and used the money for something else. Because she didn't repair it, and could no longer pay insurance on it, we took it down to our house for safe-keeping. When it came to time renew the registration, we found she'd racked up nearly $1,000 in multiple parking fines which she'd never paid.
After the car incident, we realized we could no longer trust her financially, so we stopped giving her ANY money. While she no longer had a source of money from us, it did not stop her from cajoling money from other people, friends, mostly, but also her cousin. A troubling pattern of reliance on (sponging off of) other people was beginning to become evident.
Things continued to go downhill for her financially. Most recently, her part-time employment has been reduced to just a few hours a week. As her unemployment has run out, she was no longer able to continue to rent the house she shared with two roomates and announced to us she'd be moving out. We hoped she'd move back to her home town, and enroll in a graduate program (nursing) as she'd expressed an interest in furthering her education and achieving a career position in the field of health care. We offered to set her up in an apartment in our home town, get her enrolled in a graduate school, and help her financially with furthering her education. She did not take us up on this offer, but instead just moved in with a friend of hers, a wealthy lesbian, age 40, who is very attracted to our daughter and has been trying (successfully as it turns out) to buy her companionship with expensive electronics, clothes, and other accoutrements. Although our daughter has by now identified herself as a lesbian rather than a bisexual, she does not find this older woman attractive, has no romantic interest in her, but is quite comfortable perceiving this woman to be a dear friend (who also happens to be paying all the bills).
Because of our daughter's penchant for wild partying, her financial irresponsibility (she is always "borrowing" money from friends to get out of financial scrapes she seems unable to avoid) because she has become so dependent on others for transportation, food, and now even lodging, and particularly because her social group consists of drug users, I've concluded she is either alcoholic, and/or a poly substance abuser like her companions.
My husband, her father, is slowly coming around to the recognition that something is seriously wrong with our daughter, although at this point he is unwilling or unable to identify what the problem is. She and he communicate regularly, and until very recently, he has allowed himself to be reassured by her promises that she's "doing better" "going to get back into school", "doesn't do drugs, just drinks alcohol", is "cooperating with her creditors to pay off her debts" and the like.
Within our immediate family (aunt, uncle, cousins) our daughter claims the problems between her and her parents are primarily due to "homophobia". This claim has never washed particularly well, as we have close friends who are gay. But it is a useful dodge for our daughter, and one that she clings to as her rationale for her current situation.
I've decided there's not much I can do right now than wait for our daughter's continued dysfunction to finally penetrate fully past her father's defenses. Unfortunately, she has not yet hit bottom, due to the enabling new "friend" she is currently living with. My plan is to maintain a watch-and-wait stance, hoping that the inevitable tensions will arise between the two women, creating such distress that we may have an opening to confront our daughter.
Any suggestions? Warnings? Am I on the wrong track here? Deluding myself?
I'd love to hear from some of you!
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hello, Electa. I want to welcome you to SR.
Check out the Friends and Family section here...they offer great support and they may be able to help.
It certainly sounds as though your daughter is going through a heck of a time. She could have substance abuse issues...I don't know.
I'm a lesbian with an alcohol addiction who also has depression and anxiety. I self-medicated my depression....and the drinking quickly turned into addiction.
Does she have depression or bipolar or anything like that?
Welcome again and read and post as much as you like.
Check out the Friends and Family section here...they offer great support and they may be able to help.
It certainly sounds as though your daughter is going through a heck of a time. She could have substance abuse issues...I don't know.
I'm a lesbian with an alcohol addiction who also has depression and anxiety. I self-medicated my depression....and the drinking quickly turned into addiction.
Does she have depression or bipolar or anything like that?
Welcome again and read and post as much as you like.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Electa
Welcome to SR.
I'm not a parent so, in this case, I'm gonna step back and let some of our more knowlegeable parents here have a say.
Keep in mind the weekend can be a relatively slow time for replies, so don't get discouraged
Like Bamboozle said, if you haven't already checked out our Family and Friends forums, I recommend them:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know you'll find support here @SR, I hope you find some answers too
D
Welcome to SR.
I'm not a parent so, in this case, I'm gonna step back and let some of our more knowlegeable parents here have a say.
Keep in mind the weekend can be a relatively slow time for replies, so don't get discouraged
Like Bamboozle said, if you haven't already checked out our Family and Friends forums, I recommend them:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know you'll find support here @SR, I hope you find some answers too
D
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Hi Electra, welcome to SR
I'm the wife of an alcoholic/addict.
I'd say, at this point, that your daughters destiny is her own. It is regardless of how much you would like to help and fix her. You're right on track refusing her any money, she has to bear full responsibility for her decisions.
There are a lot of unknowns for you..you don't really know what she's doing, or what the cause of her irrational behavior is. Odds are, you are correct that she's under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Both Al-anon and nar-anon would be quite helpful for you and your husband, to get support and to learn that #1 you cannot change her and #2 you cannot allow her decisions to make your life miserable.
Detachment with love is an important part of Al-anon - and with that I'll let other parents continue this, as I think dealing with this in a child is so much more devastating that it is for me with my alcoholic husband.
I'm the wife of an alcoholic/addict.
I'd say, at this point, that your daughters destiny is her own. It is regardless of how much you would like to help and fix her. You're right on track refusing her any money, she has to bear full responsibility for her decisions.
There are a lot of unknowns for you..you don't really know what she's doing, or what the cause of her irrational behavior is. Odds are, you are correct that she's under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Both Al-anon and nar-anon would be quite helpful for you and your husband, to get support and to learn that #1 you cannot change her and #2 you cannot allow her decisions to make your life miserable.
Detachment with love is an important part of Al-anon - and with that I'll let other parents continue this, as I think dealing with this in a child is so much more devastating that it is for me with my alcoholic husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Thanks to all of you who responded
I appreciate your comments and observations. My suspicions about my daughter have been with me for over two years now, and in some way, if it is true (and it probably IS true) that she's become addicted, it at least sheds some light on her baffling behavior.
Electa
Electa
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 367
I have a 29 year old daughter.
And a 10 year old grand daughter.
My daughter got hooked on heroin by going to a Narcanon meeting.
She had smoked an awful lot of crack, had people after her for money, and
came home to hide out.
She literally hid in the living room, with the blinds drawn for days. We had weird phone calls which we screened out for her.
She met a really nice boy there at the Narcanon meetings we took her to.
"Here babe,, try this"....
He introduced her to smoking heroin.
Much better than crack...swifter, better, and she was a goner.
Scared the daylights out of us.
The downfall was remarkable, and swift.
A young attractive woman can always get money.
She had no problems.
It broke my heart.
My darling daughter, robbed us blind....
Stole our pin #'s and emptied about three accounts in one evening.
I'm surprised she is still alive, and sane, really.
But she is, and she is clean now, in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man, who I am proud to call my 'son'.
I still love her with all my heart.
I feel your pain electa.
I have no advice for you, other than a warm welcome.
And a 10 year old grand daughter.
My daughter got hooked on heroin by going to a Narcanon meeting.
She had smoked an awful lot of crack, had people after her for money, and
came home to hide out.
She literally hid in the living room, with the blinds drawn for days. We had weird phone calls which we screened out for her.
She met a really nice boy there at the Narcanon meetings we took her to.
"Here babe,, try this"....
He introduced her to smoking heroin.
Much better than crack...swifter, better, and she was a goner.
Scared the daylights out of us.
The downfall was remarkable, and swift.
A young attractive woman can always get money.
She had no problems.
It broke my heart.
My darling daughter, robbed us blind....
Stole our pin #'s and emptied about three accounts in one evening.
I'm surprised she is still alive, and sane, really.
But she is, and she is clean now, in a healthy relationship with a wonderful man, who I am proud to call my 'son'.
I still love her with all my heart.
I feel your pain electa.
I have no advice for you, other than a warm welcome.
Last edited by Richard54; 08-16-2009 at 11:21 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
I give it a 99% probability she is a substance abuser.
I am the same age as your daughter. I also live in SF so perhaps while I read your post that is why I felt a kinship to her. There are a couple things I want to say— hopefully one or two of them will be helpful. I am speaking from the point of view of a daughter who has gone through similar issues of trying to figure out her life, suffering from alcoholism, etc. I see you really concerned with the direction of your daughter's life. Your daughter might easily share the same concerns. The thing about substance abuse and alcoholism is that it wreaks havoc on your insides. So while all this destruction seems to be happening around her and she is making these poor choices, inside she is probably suffering more than you can imagine and much more than it shows on the outside. She might not even be able to tie that suffering to her substance use or the unmanageability of her life.
So I think there are two things here. One, I think it is a difficult task for you to intervene effectively because you need to make sure that you aren't perceived as just wanting her to get better to look better for the world. As in you don't want her to feel like you just want her to have the "right" job and the "right" friends and be "good." What is much more important to convey is that you love her no matter what and that you want to end her suffering that you imagine must be suffering and you don't care what she ends up doing with her life as long as she is happy. I also don't necessarily agree with not intervening at all and waiting until she hits a bottom. I don't believe in waiting until people dig themselves into the worst of holes. Recovery in my mind is easier if you get in there earlier.
But you don't have to do it alone. There are interventionists in the Bay Area who do family interventions (nothing like you see on A&E— no surprise aspect, educational part, etc) and maybe you could talk to them about what they do or what they recommend for you to do. Otherwise Family section prob has advice. A link to a book is The Lost Years - Surviving a Mother and Daughter's Worst Nightmare - Book published by Jeffers Press — I have never read it but it is by a mother and a daughter so it might apply. The daughter runs the intervention company Full Circle Intervention
Full Circle Intervention: Professional Addiction Intervention
who you might want to talk to
Amazon.com: The Lost Years: Surviving a Mother and Daughter's Worst Nightmare (9780977761814): Kristina Wandzilak, Constance Curry: Books
I am the same age as your daughter. I also live in SF so perhaps while I read your post that is why I felt a kinship to her. There are a couple things I want to say— hopefully one or two of them will be helpful. I am speaking from the point of view of a daughter who has gone through similar issues of trying to figure out her life, suffering from alcoholism, etc. I see you really concerned with the direction of your daughter's life. Your daughter might easily share the same concerns. The thing about substance abuse and alcoholism is that it wreaks havoc on your insides. So while all this destruction seems to be happening around her and she is making these poor choices, inside she is probably suffering more than you can imagine and much more than it shows on the outside. She might not even be able to tie that suffering to her substance use or the unmanageability of her life.
So I think there are two things here. One, I think it is a difficult task for you to intervene effectively because you need to make sure that you aren't perceived as just wanting her to get better to look better for the world. As in you don't want her to feel like you just want her to have the "right" job and the "right" friends and be "good." What is much more important to convey is that you love her no matter what and that you want to end her suffering that you imagine must be suffering and you don't care what she ends up doing with her life as long as she is happy. I also don't necessarily agree with not intervening at all and waiting until she hits a bottom. I don't believe in waiting until people dig themselves into the worst of holes. Recovery in my mind is easier if you get in there earlier.
But you don't have to do it alone. There are interventionists in the Bay Area who do family interventions (nothing like you see on A&E— no surprise aspect, educational part, etc) and maybe you could talk to them about what they do or what they recommend for you to do. Otherwise Family section prob has advice. A link to a book is The Lost Years - Surviving a Mother and Daughter's Worst Nightmare - Book published by Jeffers Press — I have never read it but it is by a mother and a daughter so it might apply. The daughter runs the intervention company Full Circle Intervention
Full Circle Intervention: Professional Addiction Intervention
who you might want to talk to
Amazon.com: The Lost Years: Surviving a Mother and Daughter's Worst Nightmare (9780977761814): Kristina Wandzilak, Constance Curry: Books
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
I don't think you're deluded at all. The fact that she's still young I'm thinking in her mind she may still be justifying all of this as to just having fun or maybe still finding herself?
I was in a treatment center for women for ten months. And a lot of the girls your daughters age did a lot of the same things. I remember my 20's and I know nothing could have stopped me from having a "good time" then. I don't think people in their 20's are yet wise enough for "life" however it seems to find us in devastating ways eventually.
I think you're smart to lay low and wait. In the meantime I would educate myself on what to do if and when she's ready to do something for herself.......if you want to do that for her. There are so many options. The treatment center I went to was great, I had no money, no insurance, paid what I could which was required and I got my life back.
No one goes out wanting this life for themselves, hopefully she'll come around and realize this is no way to live before it's too late. Good luck to you all.
I was in a treatment center for women for ten months. And a lot of the girls your daughters age did a lot of the same things. I remember my 20's and I know nothing could have stopped me from having a "good time" then. I don't think people in their 20's are yet wise enough for "life" however it seems to find us in devastating ways eventually.
I think you're smart to lay low and wait. In the meantime I would educate myself on what to do if and when she's ready to do something for herself.......if you want to do that for her. There are so many options. The treatment center I went to was great, I had no money, no insurance, paid what I could which was required and I got my life back.
No one goes out wanting this life for themselves, hopefully she'll come around and realize this is no way to live before it's too late. Good luck to you all.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Both Al-anon and nar-anon would be quite helpful for you and your husband, to get support and to learn that #1 you cannot change her and #2 you cannot allow her decisions to make your life miserable.
Please take care of your self and you husband, the 2 of you need to be well in order to be well enough to stop any enableing and to be able to help her when SHE decides she wants to get clean and sober.
You can not help her UNTIL she asks you to take her to detox/rehab or to AA/NA meetings.
If you are doing anything beyond taking her to detox/rehab or AA/NA you are enableing her. She needs to feel the pain she is causing herself FULLY. She can not feel that pain if daddy or mommy is giving her money, food, clothes, or shelter.
BTW her whole issue may be alcohol, it may be both drugs and alcohol, but an alcoholic can sink just as low as an addict...... but in reality it does not matter if it is alcohol, drugs or both, if she does have a problem she has a problem.
BTW what happened to Richards daughter is an anomoly, normally addicts do not attend Narc-anon meeting unless they are clean and have a friend or relative that are still using.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Although on the surface Taz and sfgirl's posts seem to be mutually exclusive.... they are not. Taz's point that anything more than help getting to detox and meetings would be enabling is something I agree with. I am also in agreement with sfgirl's desire to see some type of attempt, intervention, to offer a way out before she digs the hole deeper.
My input would be to make sure she knows absolutely and completely that as her parents you are VERY concerned.... that there is a way out.... and that you love her unconditionally. Then either help as is appropriate to get her into recovery or step back and detach completely.
I have 4 kids, 2 in college... This must be very difficult for you and I offer my prayers for the best possible outcome....
Mark
My input would be to make sure she knows absolutely and completely that as her parents you are VERY concerned.... that there is a way out.... and that you love her unconditionally. Then either help as is appropriate to get her into recovery or step back and detach completely.
I have 4 kids, 2 in college... This must be very difficult for you and I offer my prayers for the best possible outcome....
Mark
Too far from the beach
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 387
Could it be substance abuse? I think you already know the answer to that question. Alcohol and drugs are a great escape so we don't have to face life's truths. Get her butt in rehab right now. I would not lay low and just do research. This ain't rocket science. You need to act now and do an intervention. Judging from your story, she is already crying out for help in many ways. Good luck.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
My daughter got hooked on heroin by going to a Narcanon meeting.
ANYWAYS (sorry, OP). I think you have been given som great advice, Electa. She may or may not be using/abusing drugs. She may or may not be abusing alcoho or dependent on alcohol. As hard as it is, there is nothing YOU can do. You can't throw her into rehab, that's her call. You dont even know IF she's using. Maybe she has some mental health issues that have been unaddressed? Maybe she has health problems? Maybe there's absolutely nothing "wrong" and she's living how she chooses to? If she's addicted to anything, she'll stop when and if she wants to. Like other posters said, your job is to take care of you, and stay healthy.. and hopefully she will find her way soon, it IS truly up to her. If you were to attend a Narcanon or Alanon meeting, I can assure you it's unlikely you'll come out a heroin addict. You might find them helpful to learn how to establish boundaries, detach "with love" and some other concepts that help out family and friends of addicts. Sounds like none of us know if addiction is the issue here though.. tread lightly with yourself. Be well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Originally Posted by Classical 
I'm gay myself, and coming out to oneself or family is a very traumatic life event - much more so than a straight person can comprehend. The gay community is notorious for its party scene and welcomes newcomers with open arms; the entire "subculture" can drastically derail even a well educated individual's career or life choices during their efforts to adjust. Compound that with becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol which abound and all kinds of tragic things can happen.
Originally Posted by Classical
I would approach your daughter with the exact tone and precision with which you've composed your opening post here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Taz and sfgirl make some good points, as do everyone else. I personally would be hesitant to try an intervention unless I was absolutely certain of the nature of your daughter's problems. An intervention requires an "unless/then" ultimatum, and you can't require an "unless" until you're certain about what's going on. But even an intervention is no guarantee. As sad as it must seem, there's absolutely nothing you can do if your daughter is an addict/alcoholic. She's the only person who can make the decision to get well.
Faerie
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Australia
Posts: 396
Hi,
You sound like a really lovely Mum.
I am a 27 yr old addict in the very early stages of recovery living with my parents.
I am currently weaning myself off of codeine.
My parents knew I was an addict but could not 'make' me quit, I was not able to start the tapering until I made up my own mind to do so. This only happened when I finally faced the REASONS I was using.
I have since been honest with my doctor, parents and psychologist and joined SR and have found the strength to start recovery.
I don't know if your daughter is abusing drugs or alcohol for sure bit she sounds like she has issues. The only advise I can give you is to take care of yourself, set boundaries for her, but ALWAYS make sure she knows you love her.
My parent's love is one of the most important things to me in the whole world.
Much love,
Faerie
You sound like a really lovely Mum.
I am a 27 yr old addict in the very early stages of recovery living with my parents.
I am currently weaning myself off of codeine.
My parents knew I was an addict but could not 'make' me quit, I was not able to start the tapering until I made up my own mind to do so. This only happened when I finally faced the REASONS I was using.
I have since been honest with my doctor, parents and psychologist and joined SR and have found the strength to start recovery.
I don't know if your daughter is abusing drugs or alcohol for sure bit she sounds like she has issues. The only advise I can give you is to take care of yourself, set boundaries for her, but ALWAYS make sure she knows you love her.
My parent's love is one of the most important things to me in the whole world.
Much love,
Faerie
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