Just checking in...
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Just checking in...
Hi everyone. The support on this board has been so instrumental in helping me finally get out of my relationship with XABF, and in putting the pieces back together slowly.
As I posted recently, things have been moving very quickly. I've now got a job, to start next week (well, a 'trial day', but I'm pretty confident it'll go OK, and I'm made other applications if it doesn't!), which has totally flexible hours and I won't have to use childcare (which I really didn't want to do) for more than 4 hours at a time, twice a week. SO relieved. And the pay is good too, and it's walking distance. SO...it will be such a good feeling to earn my own money again and not be financially dependent completely on my X. Now I just need to find a place to live, or figure out how to stay where I am (which will involve getting the right roommate)... I feel more trust now that that will happen, that the right living situation will evolve. My mom suggested I just carry on living with my X until I can get govt benefits and therefore afford to keep the house,and I can't quite get her to understand that living with active alcoholism is really not worth it to me any longer, even for money. It just is...so...toxic.
But things have improved in that my X is being less volatile, more 'normal' (still drinking and smoking loads though), and not aggro to me at the moment. So it's a lot more bearable at home. I've been having weird dreams about him, some in which we're still in love, others more disturbing - guess I'm just processing the end of it all. But I still, unbelievably, have moments where I think 'oh he's not so bad' and feel some of the love still there. Not often, but enough to be quite painful.
As I posted recently, things have been moving very quickly. I've now got a job, to start next week (well, a 'trial day', but I'm pretty confident it'll go OK, and I'm made other applications if it doesn't!), which has totally flexible hours and I won't have to use childcare (which I really didn't want to do) for more than 4 hours at a time, twice a week. SO relieved. And the pay is good too, and it's walking distance. SO...it will be such a good feeling to earn my own money again and not be financially dependent completely on my X. Now I just need to find a place to live, or figure out how to stay where I am (which will involve getting the right roommate)... I feel more trust now that that will happen, that the right living situation will evolve. My mom suggested I just carry on living with my X until I can get govt benefits and therefore afford to keep the house,and I can't quite get her to understand that living with active alcoholism is really not worth it to me any longer, even for money. It just is...so...toxic.
But things have improved in that my X is being less volatile, more 'normal' (still drinking and smoking loads though), and not aggro to me at the moment. So it's a lot more bearable at home. I've been having weird dreams about him, some in which we're still in love, others more disturbing - guess I'm just processing the end of it all. But I still, unbelievably, have moments where I think 'oh he's not so bad' and feel some of the love still there. Not often, but enough to be quite painful.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey TakingTime!
I'm so glad to hear you are doing well. Congrats on the 'trial day' for the new job!
Please disregard your Mom's suggestion of staying with your X for financial reasons as you have done. I stayed in my relationship as well and have to admit that the main reason why was due to not being able to financially support myself or so I thought.
I realize now, that with support of a friend who has taken me in until I can find housing, I am able to devote a focus to working that I wasn't able to before. I find it is much easier to support myself than I had thought it would be. I, too, hope to continue building on my new-found freedom.
I wish you the best!!!
Alice
I'm so glad to hear you are doing well. Congrats on the 'trial day' for the new job!
Please disregard your Mom's suggestion of staying with your X for financial reasons as you have done. I stayed in my relationship as well and have to admit that the main reason why was due to not being able to financially support myself or so I thought.
I realize now, that with support of a friend who has taken me in until I can find housing, I am able to devote a focus to working that I wasn't able to before. I find it is much easier to support myself than I had thought it would be. I, too, hope to continue building on my new-found freedom.
I wish you the best!!!
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thanks everyone! Although I'm getting myself together, things are now volatile again with my X - last night he really started to scare me. My previous tentative plan to stay with a friend in another town doesn't seem to be working out, and I'd then have to travel too far for work anyway, so I've now taken up another friend's offer to sleep on her pull-out couch for a little while. She lives closer to us and also has a little one. We aren't really friends as much as acquaintances, and have a lot of differences in parenting style, so I'm a bit nervous but she's very 'nice' so I hope it'll be ok.
It's just hectic how I can't rely on XABF being any one way for any length of time, since we broke up - he really seemed fine ,and civil to me, only yesterday morning - then last night, as soon as he's hanging out with his alcoholic friends, he starts being mean, came home and chucked all my stuff out of 'his' room (as far as I'm concerned, it's half my room too although we no longer share it sleep-wise...I still sit in there and read when he's not around etc) and just had a very threatening demeanour about him. Actually it's ridiculous the way I'm sharing the much smaller bedroom with my son (and the bed) while he has the whole massive master bedroom to himself. I also started having obsessive thoughts about contacting his parents again and telling them the score, but I know it's only my way of resisting Step 1 and admitting my powerlessness - like, I'm powerless over XABF, but maybe I can not be powerless over his parents, have some influence over them - rubbish really.
Anyway thanks for listening!
It's just hectic how I can't rely on XABF being any one way for any length of time, since we broke up - he really seemed fine ,and civil to me, only yesterday morning - then last night, as soon as he's hanging out with his alcoholic friends, he starts being mean, came home and chucked all my stuff out of 'his' room (as far as I'm concerned, it's half my room too although we no longer share it sleep-wise...I still sit in there and read when he's not around etc) and just had a very threatening demeanour about him. Actually it's ridiculous the way I'm sharing the much smaller bedroom with my son (and the bed) while he has the whole massive master bedroom to himself. I also started having obsessive thoughts about contacting his parents again and telling them the score, but I know it's only my way of resisting Step 1 and admitting my powerlessness - like, I'm powerless over XABF, but maybe I can not be powerless over his parents, have some influence over them - rubbish really.
Anyway thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi takingtime-
gee, i really will be relieved when you are out of that environment. it puts you under so much stress.
i guess my feeling is very much lie low until you can get out. he sounds a bit menacing and after my experience, i guess i feel a a bit of caution might spare you what i've been through (as i sit here with a fractured shoulder which three months later still prevents me from pulling a sweater over my head or going for a swim.)
he is still actively drinking so that means he can be unpredictable..
if i was you, i would bite my tongue regarding him having the bigger room. it's obvious, isn't it that the two of you should have the bigger space, but i guess its not obvious to him. alcoholics can be unbelievably selfish.
not exactly how one expects one's partner and father to their child to behave, is it?
i hope you get out soon, before this situation escalates.
take good care of yourself.
naive
gee, i really will be relieved when you are out of that environment. it puts you under so much stress.
i guess my feeling is very much lie low until you can get out. he sounds a bit menacing and after my experience, i guess i feel a a bit of caution might spare you what i've been through (as i sit here with a fractured shoulder which three months later still prevents me from pulling a sweater over my head or going for a swim.)
he is still actively drinking so that means he can be unpredictable..
if i was you, i would bite my tongue regarding him having the bigger room. it's obvious, isn't it that the two of you should have the bigger space, but i guess its not obvious to him. alcoholics can be unbelievably selfish.
not exactly how one expects one's partner and father to their child to behave, is it?
i hope you get out soon, before this situation escalates.
take good care of yourself.
naive
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thanks, Naive. I guess I'd never seen this side of him so much when we were still together and I was still enabling him... so it is scary. I take your words of caution to heart. I won't mention the room situation..it's going to be irrelevant soon anyway. Looks like tomorrow night I'll be staying at my friend's. I told him I'll be doing so, and he said it would be better for us both. We actually had quite a civil phone conversation (initiated by him) just now where he said he was really heartbroken, etc, and was sorry for the way he'd behaved. Still, that all goes out the window when he's drunk and stoned.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well, it's said over and over in these rooms,
don't listen to what they say but listen to what they do....
if i was a man and my woman and child wanted to leave because of me, i would step aside and leave my family in the shelter of their home. and i myself would go. i certainly wouldn't take the larger room for myself, throw all of my families things out of it and then make noise about how sorry i am.
actions speak louder than words. is he sorry enough to stop drinking the family food money?
don't listen to what they say but listen to what they do....
if i was a man and my woman and child wanted to leave because of me, i would step aside and leave my family in the shelter of their home. and i myself would go. i certainly wouldn't take the larger room for myself, throw all of my families things out of it and then make noise about how sorry i am.
actions speak louder than words. is he sorry enough to stop drinking the family food money?
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Yes. I know! Actions indeed. I'm feeling rather sick to the stomach right now b/c pop-ups keep appearing on my PC for 'sex in ___ (name of city we live in)' and the results of searches for sexual partners in our city. That has never happened before today, and as I posted recently, a few days ago I saw one of the same things on the screen when he was quickly running to it and pressing buttons. I don't think it could be an accident.
It's just awful b/c it reminds me of my previous ex, also dysfunctional in his ways, who was a porn addict and swore he'd stopped, and then I found all this stuff without even looking,on our PC (just on the drop-down list). That feeling of...I don't know...and the thing is he's always said he HATES porn and hates people who use it, and it's so degrading, he's a feminist blah blah. Guess it's prob just more of his bull talking. I don't know whether to confront him about it or not - I mean, we're not a couple anymore, but I feel physically disgusted seeing those images and words coming up on the screen, and I shouldn't have to put up with it. Ugh.
It's just awful b/c it reminds me of my previous ex, also dysfunctional in his ways, who was a porn addict and swore he'd stopped, and then I found all this stuff without even looking,on our PC (just on the drop-down list). That feeling of...I don't know...and the thing is he's always said he HATES porn and hates people who use it, and it's so degrading, he's a feminist blah blah. Guess it's prob just more of his bull talking. I don't know whether to confront him about it or not - I mean, we're not a couple anymore, but I feel physically disgusted seeing those images and words coming up on the screen, and I shouldn't have to put up with it. Ugh.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi taking time-
yuck.
is it worth confronting him? play it all the way through in your head...will it upset him? will it cause a fight? what if he's been drinking?
if you're leaving anyway, is there any point in causing an argument about this?
perhaps best to chalk it up to further evidence that it's time to go...
yuck.
is it worth confronting him? play it all the way through in your head...will it upset him? will it cause a fight? what if he's been drinking?
if you're leaving anyway, is there any point in causing an argument about this?
perhaps best to chalk it up to further evidence that it's time to go...
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Well I did send him a text in the end but was fairly 'light' about it, and he of course denied it. And when I thought about it, it is possible it was just pop-ups happening, as other stuff started to pop up apart from sex stuff...
I'm going to be at my friend's from tonight, till the end of August if all goes well. Then her partner comes back from being away and I'd need to find somewhere else, or ask X to go somewhere. It is ridiculous that he's not the one moving - but he sees it as, he's the victim, poor him, etc etc...
I'm going to be at my friend's from tonight, till the end of August if all goes well. Then her partner comes back from being away and I'd need to find somewhere else, or ask X to go somewhere. It is ridiculous that he's not the one moving - but he sees it as, he's the victim, poor him, etc etc...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm so happy for you! Tonight you will be able to wipe the eggshells off the bottom of your feet!
Yippeeeeee! Enjoy your peace and serenity tonight and tomorrow, and the next day, etc....
Keep us posted, we care about you!
Yippeeeeee! Enjoy your peace and serenity tonight and tomorrow, and the next day, etc....
Keep us posted, we care about you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thank you for the support! It feels a million times better at my friend's house, though of course there is stuff to deal with there (why do I always live with people that are anal about housework??), but she is kind and I feel at home. I had my first trial shift at my new job last Thurs, it went ok but typical people-pleasing stuff came up for me in an inability to assert myself when my potential boss was unclear in his communication and then critical when my work wasn't quite up to scratch (b/c he hadn't explained something properly). I find stuff like that so hard. I have another trial shift next Thurs and the childcare stuff is slowly coming together.
It's weird how being out of 'the space' has allowed emotions to come forth that I wasn't even aware of when still in the house with him. Guess I didn't feel safe to explore them. Waves of emptiness, sadness, grief, really really low self-esteem, almost self-hatred, all sorts of things. Trying to just ride it, it's hard. Also feel absolutely and totally shattered and exhausted. XABF sent me a text in the middle of the night to say he was all alone, etc etc, and wondered if we might still be together, 'pride and judgements put aside' (i.e. my judgments, his pride), as if it's that easy.
ANyway X is still being an ass but at least I dont have to see him daily. I'm out of my friend's on Thurs night so after that will be back at the house...ugh. I hope he finds somewhere. I have to phone my landlady on MOnday and tell her what is happening. I don't even know yet what is happening i.e. whether I'll stay here with a housemate, or move elsewhere. I have a feeling I'll move out, maybe with some friends who are thinking of getting a big house to share.
Oh and I saw the family lawyer and it was helpful. Looks like the ball's really in my court with deciding when to leave my son with his dad, I do have to let him see him but can refuse evening and overnight visits on the grounds of the alcohol use. If he wants to challenge it he will have to go through lengthy court procedures (and pay for it, ha ha! I don't have to pay b/c I have no money so get legal aid). He may do that but he is a famous procrastinator and I doubt it would happen in a hurry. As long as I can show I'm being reasonable, etc, and keeping dialogue open, keeping written logs of everything, and that I'm doing what's in my son's best interests, I should be fine. Apparently they now have sophisticated procedures to tell how much a person is drinking on an ongoing basis, not just in the last 24 hours or whatever, like hair strand tests, liver function tests etc, so he would be up against all of that if he chose to challenge my decision to restrict his access.
Well gotta go, my little one is calling!
It's weird how being out of 'the space' has allowed emotions to come forth that I wasn't even aware of when still in the house with him. Guess I didn't feel safe to explore them. Waves of emptiness, sadness, grief, really really low self-esteem, almost self-hatred, all sorts of things. Trying to just ride it, it's hard. Also feel absolutely and totally shattered and exhausted. XABF sent me a text in the middle of the night to say he was all alone, etc etc, and wondered if we might still be together, 'pride and judgements put aside' (i.e. my judgments, his pride), as if it's that easy.
ANyway X is still being an ass but at least I dont have to see him daily. I'm out of my friend's on Thurs night so after that will be back at the house...ugh. I hope he finds somewhere. I have to phone my landlady on MOnday and tell her what is happening. I don't even know yet what is happening i.e. whether I'll stay here with a housemate, or move elsewhere. I have a feeling I'll move out, maybe with some friends who are thinking of getting a big house to share.
Oh and I saw the family lawyer and it was helpful. Looks like the ball's really in my court with deciding when to leave my son with his dad, I do have to let him see him but can refuse evening and overnight visits on the grounds of the alcohol use. If he wants to challenge it he will have to go through lengthy court procedures (and pay for it, ha ha! I don't have to pay b/c I have no money so get legal aid). He may do that but he is a famous procrastinator and I doubt it would happen in a hurry. As long as I can show I'm being reasonable, etc, and keeping dialogue open, keeping written logs of everything, and that I'm doing what's in my son's best interests, I should be fine. Apparently they now have sophisticated procedures to tell how much a person is drinking on an ongoing basis, not just in the last 24 hours or whatever, like hair strand tests, liver function tests etc, so he would be up against all of that if he chose to challenge my decision to restrict his access.
Well gotta go, my little one is calling!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
Waves of emptiness, sadness, grief, really really low self-esteem, almost self-hatred, all sorts of things. Trying to just ride it, it's hard. Also feel absolutely and totally shattered and exhausted.
why not go no contact while you are at your friends? and give yourself a bit of air space to let your emotions come up to the surface without him pulling at you?
i am relieved to hear that you and your child are safe, even if it is with a fussy housekeeper. my hat's off to the woman who received you. well done takingcharge. bravo!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thank you , Naive. Actually more HP stuff : another friend who's just returned from a 2 week holiday, offered me her spare room for the next month (which is the period until I can get my own place), today. So I'll be going there after I leave here (on Fri). ..I"m so grateful. But nervous, b/c this is a close friend and i"m worried about living together affecting our friendship negatively. I have so many issues of vulnerability around this stuff. But it's a journey.
Ex is suddenly in contact a lot, and I think your suggestion of perhaps no contact might be a good one to consider. He is being all 'nice' now all of a sudden (always on his terms of course), texting me saying I'm welcome back at the house (which he most assuredly made me NOT feel when I was there), with concern about how our son is doing and how I'm coping with 'full time care' (as if I didnt have full time care of him when he WAS supposedly around!), and wanting to be involved in decisons w.r.t what nursery I put him in, etc. I'm being neutral, polite but firm. But I feel he's trying to control me and suck me in with all this contact.
Well I'm just amazed at how I don't miss him one little bit. I feel grief for the lost 'dream' and the family I envisioned I wanted to have....for my own choices at getting pregnant with the guy who just happened to be saying the right things at that time, just b/c I so badly wanted to have a baby, a family and be safe and ended up in the opposite of a secure and happy situation....but I don't miss him or anything about him (at least not yet). It helps being distracted by my son. I'm so grateful for the love I've been shown by friends and family. And by people on here! Thank you.
Ex is suddenly in contact a lot, and I think your suggestion of perhaps no contact might be a good one to consider. He is being all 'nice' now all of a sudden (always on his terms of course), texting me saying I'm welcome back at the house (which he most assuredly made me NOT feel when I was there), with concern about how our son is doing and how I'm coping with 'full time care' (as if I didnt have full time care of him when he WAS supposedly around!), and wanting to be involved in decisons w.r.t what nursery I put him in, etc. I'm being neutral, polite but firm. But I feel he's trying to control me and suck me in with all this contact.
Well I'm just amazed at how I don't miss him one little bit. I feel grief for the lost 'dream' and the family I envisioned I wanted to have....for my own choices at getting pregnant with the guy who just happened to be saying the right things at that time, just b/c I so badly wanted to have a baby, a family and be safe and ended up in the opposite of a secure and happy situation....but I don't miss him or anything about him (at least not yet). It helps being distracted by my son. I'm so grateful for the love I've been shown by friends and family. And by people on here! Thank you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for the update Taking Time!
Your positive steps are being met with open doors from your HP! Awesome to see that happening for you and your son.
I want to share this nugget of wisdom with you for your roommate and work relationships:
Ask for what you need,
and offer what you can.
Your positive steps are being met with open doors from your HP! Awesome to see that happening for you and your son.
I want to share this nugget of wisdom with you for your roommate and work relationships:
Ask for what you need,
and offer what you can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thanks Pelican. I love stuff like that, it's easy to remember.
Well it looks like I'm back in the thick of it again from tomorrow eve. My friend changed her mind about me moving to hers for the month. She had really good reasons and I don't hold it against her. She is going through a lot of change in her family right now and doesn't need further disruption. And I 'd actually been feeling funny about it myself, before she said no, and I'm learning to go with my gut more. I had a feeling I didn't want to fit in with the rigid routines she was describing she'd have to do, to prepare her daughter for starting school. I just don' t need that right now, you know? i need to just be able to follow my son and my needs and flow at the moment.
So, I'm back in the house tomorrow. I feel ok about it though. I think having the break has been very good for me. I cannot control his behaviour but I can work on my own calm and not reacting to him. He sounds a lot more sane lately but yeah, who knows how it will go, things change with him all the time. I'm looking at a house to live in from Oct, next week, with another single mom who I've never met before but is looking for a set up like what I want. Also putting lots of ads up for what I'm looking for...just pray it will all fall into place at the right time. Surprisingly not worried about it though! Really helps hugely that my new al-anon sponsor is really there for me and meeting with me regularly - my last one was so unavailable and didn't really nurture the relationship. I just hope I can keep my serenity now...
Well it looks like I'm back in the thick of it again from tomorrow eve. My friend changed her mind about me moving to hers for the month. She had really good reasons and I don't hold it against her. She is going through a lot of change in her family right now and doesn't need further disruption. And I 'd actually been feeling funny about it myself, before she said no, and I'm learning to go with my gut more. I had a feeling I didn't want to fit in with the rigid routines she was describing she'd have to do, to prepare her daughter for starting school. I just don' t need that right now, you know? i need to just be able to follow my son and my needs and flow at the moment.
So, I'm back in the house tomorrow. I feel ok about it though. I think having the break has been very good for me. I cannot control his behaviour but I can work on my own calm and not reacting to him. He sounds a lot more sane lately but yeah, who knows how it will go, things change with him all the time. I'm looking at a house to live in from Oct, next week, with another single mom who I've never met before but is looking for a set up like what I want. Also putting lots of ads up for what I'm looking for...just pray it will all fall into place at the right time. Surprisingly not worried about it though! Really helps hugely that my new al-anon sponsor is really there for me and meeting with me regularly - my last one was so unavailable and didn't really nurture the relationship. I just hope I can keep my serenity now...
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