28Days

So...my addicted ex and I are now connected more than I wanted to be. I found out this past week that I am pregnant, with his child. I don't know what to do with this. He doesn't know yet, 'cause he wants me to text him the test results. I don't think I should text him that. I want to talk about options and all that, but because I'm currently pressing charges against him, it makes it much harder. He refuses to waiver on this. He was treating me really well for a day through texts, and then as soon as I mentioned talking, he shut down 100%.

If I choose to keep and raise it...I don't want him involved in the childs life at all. Not even enough to be introduced to them. But I can't raise and support a child on my own. Is it even possible to have it so he pays child support and has ZERO visitation rights?

What am I going to do!? I'm 18...almost 19...I'm alone. With a child who's father is a drug addict, with no place to live right now, a job that probably won't last, that comes and goes as he pleases, and may end up in prison shortly for sexual assault because I'm pressing charges...How on EARTH is this all going to work out?

28Days

It wouldn't be case dismissed. I had cleared it with the Constable. I have contact with him because I'm having problems with it.

And potheads aren't smart. Period. He wouldn't have saved a thing. And in no way could they be used to his favour. Almost every text I've sent him includes how hurt I am, how I can't sleep because of what he did. How much this has affected me. How I've contemplated drastic measures.

If you don't have something constructive to say, or helpful in someway, why bother? I'm not in a good and happy place right now...I don't have the patience to deal with that.

Done_With_It

As said above your choice is a very personal one.
Personally with what you said above I wouldn't be able to
bring a child into this world with that much going on in my
own life, but that is 'me'.

I would make a trip to planned parenthood or something similar and
let them help you figure it out.
Here are a few links.

Planned Parenthood Assn Of Bc - 604-530-8155 - Langley, British Columbia (BC) V3A 2E6 | iBegin

Clinical Services | Options for Sexual Health

Planned Parenthood - British Columbia - Langley - (604) 530-8155 > 411.ca

I would also look into some counseling for yourself to help you
with all you are going through. This is a lot of traumatic stuff.
Good luck and big hugs to you.

:ghug2

28Days

For the child-to-be, I have removed my feelings of dread and pain and betrayel and fear..to deal with it. Whether I like it or not..it's HIS child too. He has a right to have a voice. Even if he is nothing but a criminal drug addict. I know what options exist..I just...don't know how to make this decision, that affects more than just me..on my own. I just don't know if I could do the adoption thing..personally...But you are right. Which is why this is all so hard.

cynical - I shouldn't be talking to him, but because it's the matter of a child, I seem to be okay since I am trying to better this childs chances..and my mental capacity has been absolutely crushed right now

done - I don't know how I couldnt bring a child into that either. I just...don't know if I could bring myself to...terminate..It's like..how do I raise a child from a sexual assault...with a guy that isn't even similar to the man I loved?
I will be contacting victim services soon and hopefully that will offer some help....
Thank you Done...

Done_With_It

Good luck sweetie. I think talking to someone will really help you with all the stuff going on in your head also. Just hearing it feels like an awful lot, let alone being in your shoes.
Can you go talk to them on Monday? Can you talk to your parents about this? or any relatives maybe? to help you also?

28Days

I have made the choice to not tell really anyone about it yet. I have been pregnant before, and the stress of what was going on caused a miscarriage. It devestated my boy..I figure it's possible to happen again, so why freak everyone out...right?

This time around, I have so much more going on. Each week I work 40 hours, do 30 hours of homework, 20 hours of class, 20 hours on transit. I've been dealing with police and doctors non stop. Plus I'm trying to deal with the aftermath of the assault, knowing that the man I love is gone, that he has gotten so much worse lately. I am 600 miles away from my friends, and in my last semester of college. I almost feel like it would be easiest if I miscarried again. I have high chances...I know it sounds horible but...

I honestly haven't stopped crying since the assault happened...I just wish it had been a bad dream ya know?

ventuhome

Hey 28 I just left you a mesage on the Substance Abuse page too. About the adoption thing - a few years back at least, the birthdad did not have to sign off on an adoption in Canada. If you dont think you can go thru with an abortion, then dont do it. But its your decision, not his or anyone else's. If you decide to continue the pregnany to term, there are plenty of groups out there to help, even Planned Parenthood will support you there. If I was your mom, I would tell you to continue with pressing the assault charges. Actions have consequences. Its just the same as if he beat you up. Even though your family is 600 miles away, they still care about you and want to help you out. I know with my 17 year old daughter I would want to know if she was going thru such a hard time. You can PM me anytime, I feel a little connected to you beause I have about 30 relatives in the Vancouver area and spent a lot of my time there when growing up.
:praying

28Days

Thanks ventu. I'm hoping that if he did have to sign off, that we could get around that considering all the circumstances. I know it's my decision in the end, but I really..wanted to make it with him. I guess it just kills me to see how different it is now. Before, when we'd talk about the possibility (we always had a plan just in case. we were at least smart about it) he would always get so excited about the idea of a family with me. Abortion..I had always kinda leaned that way. He was 100% against it. I admired his morals (of which he has none left). I began thinking similarly. We always built plans around keeping the child.

His plan used to be he would drop out of school, start working to support the child and let me finish school. We would find a place together and get ready to start a family, even if we didn't get married first. We would tell parents and the like later, not right away.
My plan...to be honest..I didn't have one. I pressed for one from him, mainly so I knew if I ever had to tell him...that he would still be there. My plan was more...Him finishing school so he can get a good job, me going through school as long as I can in that condition. Not telling parents right away. Trying to find a place together. Possibly being at the very least common-law with each other.

Now? He won't even get to see a child, and doesn't want to say anything otherwise. I think that's what makes it so hard. He wants to tell everyone immediatly. Not discuss options. Not even talk to me.

I appreciate what you've had to say =)

123bubblegum123

My heart goes out to you. First thought: who can you go to (preferably a close adult or authority figure in your life) who can help you through this and lend you support? Immediately call them and confide in them.

Also, I would certainly hold off on telling your ex about this news, as it is YOUR body and YOUR choice - in my opinion..

Please feel free to PM me if you need to vent/a shoulder to cry on.

Hugs & support,
Rachel

catlovermi

Don't forget that OPEN adoptions exist, where YOU pick the adoptive family and YOU have an ongoing relationship with them and your baby as agreed upon with them.

Just another option.

CLMI

28Days

Rachel - Thank you. I don't really have anyone to go to. I have been talking to a friend of ours, but she seems to have stopped talking to me..Probably 'cause it's hard for her. I know it was unfair to go to her, but she was the first one to really care. Otherwise, I'm probably going to be dealing with Victim Services shortly.

Ya, I've decided it's best to hold off. He knows that I have results, but refuses to do anything but text. That's his choice. Not mine. I think I've decided that now, I will only tell him once he actually has solid ground to stand on, even if that's in prison...

You will more than likely hear from me quite a bit..I find myself following old habits and patterns...I'm not sure where to go from here...

Catlovermi - That is true. That is the most likely course of action if it ends in adoption. I'm just afraid that he'd have to sign off on it as well. I'm contemplating a family member even adopting and waiting until I am able to support a child myself.

kj3880

Because you need help. You just do. You aren't expected to deal with this alone. And are you 100% sure you are pregnant? I can't tell you how many scares I had when I was young. And I would freak right out, then find out it was for nothing. Not that that is true for you. If you are pregnant, you will need help.


It does sound horrible. If you want to terminate, then do it, my dear. Don't leave it to chance. That isn't fair to you or your potential child. Because you may not miscarry. The stress and lack of medical maternity care may cause other problems with the birth, or the baby, or with your health, and surely you don't want that. So make an informed decision about what you want to do, and get the help you need to do that.

But it wasn't, was it? It really happened, and now you have to grow up in a hurry and face some very real, very adult, problems. But you don't have to do it alone. You can get through this, and make the best of a bad situation. Let us know how it goes, and please, talk to someone in your life about what's going on, even if it is at a clinic.

Love,:praying
KJ

alwaysthinking2

"Whether I like it or not..it's HIS child too."

I do not know the back story on this, but it sounds like this pregnancy is the result of sexual assault (rape)? I believe that strips him of any paternal rights, regardless of any previous consensual relationship.

28Days

I am currently making a doctors appointment to confirm beyond any doubt. But two pregnancy tests have come back positive..I probably will end up in a termination...unfortunately...I dunno yet...But now that I know what his new little plan is...I think that's the best plan now.

I've dealt with the adult things a lot. It's just another one on the list I'm afraid.


Always - I'm hoping that you're right there.

Cynical - I have been looking through their site a lot. Thanks.

24Years

I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in and the delicacy of your situation. *Termination* may bring short term relief but if you are like me it won't bring long term relief. I have always regretted having a hand in the *death* of my child and I didn't look at it that way until after the abortion (reality set in later). I know everyone means well with their advice, as do I. Yes, it is your choice. Although adoption may be more work, I believe you will never regret it. I also believe the child will be grateful to be alive even if he/she is raised through adoptive parents. If you believe there is any chance you will regret your abortion, then choose adoption. You'll be in my prayers.

teke

i hope i'm not over stepping and if i am, i'm sorry but to me, it kind of sound like you are maybe trying to base your decisions on his actions. maybe its time for you to get gut level honest with yourself and decide what you want to do for YOU. maybe you could check your motives before you make any decisions concerning your situation.

what would you do about the pregnancy or about pressing charges if he was talking to you? i know you are hurting and is afraid and i do understand but you do have to do whats best for you. i personally believe that adoption would be a better choice but its your decision to make. either way, i think that you deserve better and regardless of what you decide, we are here for you.

.

Done_With_It

Adoption, Termination, whatever your choice is, no one's feelings here or how we feel here on the matter here are not what matter. This has to be your choice and what is the best choice for you. This is your body, and your life and I think the best place to get medical advice and counseling on something like this is somewhere like Cynical One gave you or Planned Parenthood.
We can only share with you are E,S,H.
We are here for you sweetie but what you decide to do with this is completely up to you and we will support any decision you make.
Good luck with your doctors apt. and let us know how it goes okay?
We're all thinking about you.
:ghug2