staysober

Hi everybody.

I've recently joined AA. Everybody there keep on talking about how important it is to get a sponsor and go through the steps and I believe they are right because I feel that just going to the meetings won't be keeping me from alcohol the rest of my life.

I have some issues though. I can't seem to bring myself to approach someone to be my sponsor. I'm not sure if it's because I get so shy around new people or because there is something holding me back. I somehow also have this crazy thought that I'm not worthy of their time and effort to help me. I also feel that because my progression of alcoholism hasn't reached the level that some of those people have reached that I don't belong there and they might not think I need as much help as other people.

Does anyone have any comments that could help me get through this and work up the courage to get a sponsor and start working on the steps?

Blake'sTyger

Hi Staysober!

I know exactly what you mean. My resistance to getting a real sponsor led me to a) sponsor myself, then b) co-sponsor with another newcomer on this site. Though that other newcomer is now gone and I miss my correspondence with her, both attempts at quasi-sponsorship were HORRIBLE ideas.

It's important to get a sponsor-- mine is sometimes the only thing that keeps me in the program.

I have two suggestions/ideas for you:

a) Share in a meeting about how you're feeling. By that I mean say just what you said here-- SHARE that you're looking for a sponsor, but have a tough time approaching people. SHARE that you're worried about wasting someone's time. If you put yourself out there even that much, and people know you're looking for a sponsor; a willing and able person just might show themselves. Just put it out there that you need a sponsor.

b) Read the twelfth step carefully. Now, I'm not nearly there; but it has been explained to me that helping another alcoholic isn't just meant to help the helpee stay sober- it helps the helper to stay sober as well. Helping others is just part of the program. Being of service, as they say.

I think if you are open and honest, you'll find a lot of the people in the rooms are more friendly, willing, and available than we shy people are initially apt to realize.

Good luck! I hope you find someone great to work the steps with.

All the best,

David

Pancake

Dear Staysober, (((hugs)))

Nice to meet you friend!

Well, I felt you like you did about getting a sponsor! It took me a good while Staysober...I was so scared of being told "no"?!

Also, folks told me NOT to rush!! Take your time and feel sure that you think the sponsor you choose is a "good match" to your personality. This makes a ton of sense to me now! It took me about 4 months to decide and I'm in a small group with few ladies in it. Get a sponsor of the 'same sex'. We state that adamantly in our group!

You are going to tell your sponsor your WORST FEARS and the awful things you've done in life Staysober so that's why you want someone who understands YOU. My sponsor and I are doing the steps together which I really appreciate alot. I feel were a team not me doin' this all on my own!!

As alcoholics, we have so many fears and inhibitions Staysober. These are just a few of our 'character defects' which you will hear lots about in AA. I am the same as you friend! The steps help us to work on our character defects and grow past them and enjoy to be as they say "happy, joyous and free"! That is how I'm feeling already (for the most part) and I'm only 7 + months sober. LOL

It's great to have you with us Staysober and all the very best. I hope this helps a little.

Love Pancake xo

PS If you'd like a meeting there's one this afternoon at 5:00 pm EST hosted by me. LOL
We'd love to have you!!! xo

Charmie

hi staysober.PRAY! i couldnt find anyone i wanted to be my sponsor in the area i live in (we only have 15 meetings a week and probs about 40 women) so i prayed and prayed.it didnt take long and a lady was visiting one of my regular meetings,she lives 50 miles away.i heard her share and immediatly i identified and more importantly i thought "i want what she has,i could tell her anything!:" it was attractive.dont for one minute think about other folk giving their time up for you.our primary purpose and the 12th step is to help the still suffering alcoholic.so anybody with a good programme will be just delighted to help you! let us know how you get on.listen and see who has what you want,look for that sparkle in their eyes and true conviction.and like i said,,,,PRAY ON IT!

louis

Hey.....

I feel exactly like you do... i was advised time after time to get a sponsor... i kept saying i wanted a male sponsor... i could relate better... but i was too nervous to approach anyone... i am still too nervous to let anyone get to know me... i still travel round from meeting to meeting... never settling anywhere...
I have this fear that i need to keep some of me to myself... letting anyone in totally is hard...

Anyway... it ended up that there was a woman that i wantd to sponsor me... and although we never said it... she said she couldnt sponsor me (didnt have the time).... we spent alot of time talking.... she was going through the bigbook with me.... and in the end... last week she said "I know i said i wouldn't sponsor you but" and now she is... i already did my step 1.....

Maybe try it that way.... instead of asking for a sponsor... ask if someone could go through the bigbook with you... you learn alot about eachother that way... its just another suggestion....

I like the idea of sharing it in a meeting too...

good luck anyway.... and welcome to SR

Believe808

Hi Staysober, when I came into the rooms of AA, I was frightened and felt really funny asking someone to sponsor me too. I thought, why do they want to bother with me. What worked for me was, I raised my hand in the beginning of meeting and stated that I was trying to stay sober and I needed a sponsor. After the meeting I stayed behind and a woman came up to me and said I will be your Temp sponsor, here's my phone number, if you are serious about your recovery, call me every day at 8:15 am. She also said if the time came when I felt I wanted someone else that it would not be a problem. I did exactly what she asked, the next morning I phoned her exactly 8:15 and she was delighted to talk to me. Heck, I even asked her WHY she would want to talk to me and be my sponsor, her reply, because that's what the program is all about, helping another to stay sober and she even said, you are helping me with my recovery. I couldn't believe it, I WAS HELPING HER. We started right away working on Steps, and I am so grateful for that. Today I do exactly what she did for me, when a newcomer raises their hand asking for a sponsor, I give her my phone number and ask her to call me in the am if she wants to stay sober. That's how this program works. Good luck.

tommyk

"Does anyone have any comments that could help me get through this and work up the courage to get a sponsor and start working on the steps?"

My own biggest problem was in 'getting over myself'.

Did I have to much 'ego' to ask another to be my sponsor? What if they said 'no'...?

I know it's a worn out Nike phrase... but... just do it.

You can always change sponsors later. Get one for now and get started with the steps.

littlebluedog

A sponsor will help you work the steps, and that will keep you sober. Just ask someone(of the same sex) you feel comfortable with.

CarolD

Before finding a sponsor....I suggest you read the
official AA guideline....found in most meetings

Questions and Answers on Sponsorship

I can also share that when I began my Step work
I felt a shift ....from sobriety into recovery....

All my best as you move forward

Firehazard

Hi staysober, I can see why it would be hard to find a sponor for some. My

best luck in finding one for myself happened when I shared that I needed help.

This can happen in your homegroup or one that you can see yourself attending

consistently. When the student is ready...........GOOD LUCK

shaun00

fear of rejection maybe?
try to remember that sponsors need sponsees as much as you need a sponsor.

try not to put sponsors on pedestals.....they are drunks like you and me but
that have found a solution in the program of recovery laid out in the big book.
l didn't stay sober by just not drinking and going to meetings.....

the fellowship is great for alot of people but for me the program ie the 12 steps was what got me to sustained contented sobriety...
it might suit you to get a temporary sponsor first?

its important IMO to get a same sex sponsor....carol has posted a link.
check it out.

and good luck to you.

Rusty Zipper

SS

how to find a good sponsor...

"Listen for one!"

also,

find one thats not a Jackass,

one that will not tell you what you want to hear,

one that will tell you what you need to hear...

keep listening,

and one will come...

good wishes SS

Wolfchild

It's possible that a sponsor is already there waiting for you to ask them.

Many of the solutions to my problems and the help necessary to solve them
were always right there in front of me. i just refused to see it and accept it.
The more consistent effort i make to move forward, the more progress i have.
My life & my recovery become a shared responsibility
as i surrender daily to a power greater than myself.

Best wishes for many, many sucessful attempts to follow direction!

joedris

The easiest way to handle this is to simply announce at a meeting that you're new to AA and looking for a sponsor. More than likely you'll be approached by several people. Just pick one as you wouldn't know a good sponsor at this point anyway. After you've worked with this person for a while you'll both be able to make a good evaluation of the relationship. If it's working well, stay with it. If not, move on to a new sponsor. There should be no hard feelings if you change sponsors, as your sobriety is paramount here, not the personalities involved. But is any event, the sooner you latch on to a sponsor the better off you'll be. The AA program is meaningless without someone to guide you through it.

Dee74

Hi staysober

I'm not in AA - just wanted to welcome you to SR!

keep posting

D

staysober

Thanks everyone for your feedback and nice to meet all of you!

I think it's a good idea to begin by looking for a temporary sponsor and see how it goes. I really want someone I can connect with and how can I know if I connect to someone without getting to know them.

Tosh

People die procrastinating over getting the 'right' sponsor. Just get one whose got a strong message and is into the Big Book; who'll take you quickly through the programme and get you better. You won't go far wrong with this.

You don't need to 'conect' with a sponsor; it's really not therepy; it's a programme of action; you need to act.

I hope I haven't come across 'holier than thou', but really, you need to get started on the programme ASP.

vegibean

stay--go get yourself a sponsor!! Don't worry about them and what they think. Being a sponsor is part of the program and being a sponsor helps them to stay sober. I have had a sponsee and she keeps me sober because how do I set an example by NOT doing the right thing?

I also wouldn't worry to much on the relating thing either. Most of what you two will be relating about it going to be sobriety.

If there is anything I repeatedly say on this board to the new comer it's "get a sponsor and work the steps." The steps will become part of your everyday tools in being sober. Good Luck!!!

BenMacdui

Staysober, there is no rush with these things. I was actually told at my first meeting to just come to meetings in the first three months and get used to the routine of it - and once you have decided on a home meeting you like and got used to the people around you, then go and look for a sponsor.

Charmie

Benmacdui,,,im from the UK too and this seems to be the general consensus at a lot of meetings,especially where i am in north east scotland.but im sorry i have to disagree with you.untreated alcoholism can be fatal wether the alcoholic is drinking or not.i was lucky i had been in AA 4 yrs ago so knew what i had to do.i have seen very unhappy and sick people that are told to not rush getting a sponsor.if you suffered from another illness would you not go to the doctor and get medicine?,,with all due respect Benmacdui i have seen what "not rushing" can do to folk,and i personally do not think it is a good idea.Staysober,i wish you wel with finding a sponsor.