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Do I Need Help?

Old 08-15-2009, 05:15 AM
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Do I Need Help?

I am sorry that this is so long, that was not my intenetion. Sometimes I am a little long winded . . .

I apologize if I should not be here, or if I in any way offend anyone. I am here because I need anyone who is willing to, take a look at me from the outside in and tell me what you see. I do drink, there are nights that I drink to get drunk (and I have passed out cold), there are nights that I just have a glass of wine with dinner. There are also nights (I suppose I should also say days) that I do not drink at all. And this is the majority of the time.
I have a boyfriend, lets call him Gary, who rarely drinks and now has decided he will not drink at all. This is not because he feels he has a problem with alcohol, he simply doesn't enjoy it, and the last time he drank it was excessive for him. He ended up getting sick that night and the next day, which he had never experienced before and does not care to go back to. Since he made this decision, about six weeks ago, he has been very hard on me about my drinking. He has never liked that I sometimes go out with my girlfriends to bars and clubs and drink. But the reason has always been that there are too many people out there that can't be trusted and judgement is always impaired when drinking. Okay, no arguments. I didn't quit drinking when out with friends, but I stick to a close trusted group rather than the girl who would let me get hammered and wonder off with some guy; never noticing if he slipped me something.
Let me get to the point. Tonight Gary and I went to dinner with neighbors; I had sweet tea. On the way home my neighbor Mary and I decided we wanted to pick up a 12 pack and hang out at my house and play cards for the rest of the night. When Gary asks me from the front seat of the car why I needed to go in the store and I replied for beer he rolls his eyes and says he hates when I drink. I reply back that he enjoys things that I am not exactly in love with either and he says 'at least my addictions don't hurt anyone'.
All I heard was 'addictions'. He thinks I am addicted. He just called me an addict.
I got back in the car, shut the door and just told him I was in total shock, I could not believe that he thought that of me. We had many conversations over the next few hours about what addiction actually is. He said that he doesn't believe I can't go a week without having a drink. Again, I am shocked. I can think of many weeks I have gone without a single drop of alcohol. Right now I have a bottle of rum, a bottle of vodka, and a bottle of tequila that I purchased for our house (did I mention we live together) about three months ago, which remain close to untouched since the week I bought them minus one or two nights when we had guests over.
Then he tells me that for the past few weeks I have drank several times each week. This is true. Six weeks ago I bought a 20 pack of beer because he was supposed to have a few guys over. He was called into work that night, so the beers just hung in the fridge. He informed me that I drank all of them; and I had (well 16 or 17 of them) over three or four weeks. But yes, that is several nights per week, 1 - 3 beers a night.
I also have a night out with the girls every few weeks. Last week, Wednesday night: one mixed drink, one beer. A week and a half before that: bachelorette party for a friend: too many drinks (I estimate 6), several shots, tripped in 5 inch heels, fuzzy details at the end of the night. Just this past weekend I had one margarita on Saturday, two glassed of wine on Sunday.
Now I will admit that I have had many nights (although not recent) where I was so drunk I blacked out. For some time when Gary and I were separated I moved in with a recently divorced girlfriend and one other girl. We had the 'party' house and drank several nights per week, sometimes a few beers, sometimes until we just had to go pass out. Drinking has put me in embarrassing situations, but I have never had a tolerance that can keep up with anyone else, and I have drank past being drunk trying to keep up with the crowd. Bad excuse? Yes. Bad Judgements? Yes. When I left that party house and was on my own I had no problem not drinking on a regular basis. I was happy for life to slow down. I typically had 3 - 5 drinks, one night per week.
I have been through a lot in my life, I have lost many members of my immediate family for my age (I am 30 now); father at 13, mother at 24, sister at 26, and many other in between. I have gone through very depressed days; I have been put on anti-anxiety meds, depression meds, blood pressure, etc. I have stopped eating to the point my hair has come out in clumps. But I never stayed on any of the drugs my doctor prescribed because I didn't want a substance ruling my life. I wanted to do better on my own. And I have. No more depression, no more anxiety, normal blood pressure. I have always been able to see when I was doing more harm than good to myself and I have pulled myself up from everything without the help of anyone. So how do I not see that I have a drinking problem. Alcoholism does run in my family. I have seen it ruin relationships and take lives. I just don't see this in myself. But if it is there, I have to know. I have to change.
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Old 08-15-2009, 05:31 AM
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Hi searching4help.

Welcome to SR

The bad news is, in my opinion, noone else - not even yr partner - can diagnose for you whether you have a problem or not.

The burning question is do you think you have a problem?

You've already identified several areas of concern for yourself - you sometimes drink to excess, sometimes black out and pass out, sometimes put yourself in embarrassing situations, you drank more in the 'party house', and you come from an alcoholic family.

From what I'm reading here - after taking all that into consideration, and your partners criticism, you don't think you do have a problem.

There's not one of us here that can tell you you're wrong.

There are tests available that when answered honestly can suggest whether you may have a problem. This is a famous 20 question alcohol test.

Michigan Alcohol Screening Test (MAST), Revised

I suggest you take it and see what the results are. At the very least, it might serve as a pointer for you.

You could also try not drinking for a period (30 days is good, 60 or 90 days might be better seeing as you can already go extended periods without drinking) and see if you can manage that, and determine whether not drinking brings you any discomfort ?


I wish you the best in working this out
D

Last edited by Dee74; 08-15-2009 at 05:46 AM.
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Old 08-15-2009, 05:45 AM
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Hey Searching, don't worry about offending anyone here, questions like this get asked a lot.

First I want to just throw out there that everyone is different when it comes to the drinking thing. I used to not have a problem with it. No one starts off saying "I"m going to be an alcoholic" and throws all effort into it.

I used to enjoy my wine on the weekends and just a few glasses, work all week. Occasionally I would get blasted out of my mind and it was usually with friends/family who were drinking as much as me at the time. Holidays, parties, going out and playing a couple games of pool. At some point I crossed a line in my life where it got excessive.

I think his throwing the word "addiction" out there was out of line and judgmental. No one can really decide that someone has a problem other than themselves. Reading over what you said, I relate to a lot of the drinking. I was at that point once and I also have been through a lot in my life. I can't say my family has been one of the best influences as everyone in my family drinks and smokes pot. For me that was all "normal" and it was easy for me to say "this is what we do in my family."

I also was a bartender so I was around drinking all the time. How can it be a problem if everyone else is doing it?

Justifying, rationalizing and then the explaining as to why it's ok for me.

Things got a lot worse in my life when I remarried a second time. I'm not blaming but I'm saying that when things got bad in that marriage my drinking took off and I didn't care. It was my crutch for everything. I can't even begin to tell you how bad it got but drinking 24-7-365 and it didn't matter what time of the day it was, 7AM and getting into the shower to get ready for work was a good time to have a Bud Light. Mainly because I had to get rid of all the shaking. I had become physically addicted. HORRIBLE!!!!

I am sure that you came here hoping to hear "yeah, you're not bad like us," but from what I read up there in your post, you're not far behind where I was at some point in my life. When I look back now I can see the progression and I also know that even if I had said "I can quit whenever I feel like," that wasn't true.

My X husband says he could never understand how I could drink like that and to him I said "I could never understand how you can get a beer and only drink half of the bottle and switch to a soda."

My simple suggestion would be to read some of the other posts here in New Comers and see what others have to say in regards to what has happened to them, how it started and where they are today.

Many years ago I tried to get sober and went to AA, met some great people and I wasn't ready. The things that I learned about my drinking kept my foot in the door though and when I was ready I got sober.

Anyway, that's the short long winded version of my story. Hope that helps a little bit.
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Old 08-15-2009, 05:47 AM
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Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place with lots of good information and many folks with lots and lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H).

I cannot say if you are an alcoholic or not, however, since you say there is alcoholism in your family, if I were you I would be very cautious in when I drank and how much.

Since you are questioning whether you do have a problem or not, why not try an experiment? How about not drinking any alcoholic beverage for 30 days. See if you can do that, see how you feel, see if you get restless and discontent or not. IF you are honest with yourself and evaluate those 30 days without alcohol you will have a better idea whether alcohol is becoming a problem for you. Apparently it is a problem for your partner.

Check around this site, read the 'stickys' at the tops of different forums, read the threads, there is lots of information for you to evaluate whether alcohol is a probelm for you or not.

Hope the above helps a bit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-15-2009, 05:48 AM
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Welcome to SR.

Your relationship appears to have a problem with alcohol.

Your problem? His problem?

Sounds like there IS a problem, just can't figure out who's it is, right?
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Old 08-15-2009, 05:52 AM
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Hi Searching. Thanks for you interesting post. Dee is correct, no one can tell you if you are an alcoholic - the phenomenon of denial will prevent you from accepting it so it's pointless. The red flag I noticed was you said you had blackouts due to alcohol use (well its alcohol abuse really) - this is not a good sign. If you decide you have a problem, then I suggest you read as many threads on here as possible, and maybe consider recovery programs such as AA (not for everyone to be sure). Best of luck to you Searching, I hope you find some answers that might help you.

Last edited by December15; 08-15-2009 at 06:09 AM.
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Old 08-15-2009, 06:03 AM
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Recently I took some alcohol related tests/quizzes and was shocked to find out that I am considered a "HEAVY" drinker at 10 glasses of wine/week and only 9% of the population drink that much or more! (It is recommended by the NIH that women have no more than 7 drinks per week; men can have 14). I have 1-2 glasses while cooking dinner, then no more.

I was also shocked on another quiz to learn that I am in the "middle stage" of "problem drinking".

Recently my son came home from rehab and we cleared out all alcohol from the house and I abstained. It was much harder than I thought it would be. That was also shocking.

Run yourself thru a few of these tests and see how you do. If you do find indications that you are a "problem drinker" at least be glad that you are being made aware now, rather than much much later when there is nothing but devastation all around you!!
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Old 08-15-2009, 06:51 AM
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Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.

A good place to find out if there is a problem &
what you can do about it is at an A.A. meeting.
Why not go to one today and listen to what
is being shared & how it could apply to you?
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:03 AM
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Please check out these link for info.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Alcohol and Brain

Welcome to SR....
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:35 AM
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((Searching4Help))
Lot's of good advice here.
Laurie, U stoled my words, shame on U.

Searching, (like you name BTW.)
Your on a quest, U will figure it all out, what is best 4 U.
Do the tests, stop for the 30 days,....: It is not a ......headbange
Stay strong.

Last edited by tallcactus; 08-15-2009 at 07:39 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:47 AM
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Searching ... Welcome! A lot of great advice and links to info from those before me. You've got to be "the decider" on this one. Funny, how when someone else says one might have an addiction to alcohol it has a sting. If your BF said you were addicted to, say, peanuts or chocolate would it inspire this type of soul searching? Seems like you have some good tools for honesty and self-awareness. I'd suggest you keep looking into it, asking yourself questions and listening to your honest answers. Browse this site and see what happens. Wish you the best!
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Old 08-15-2009, 08:48 AM
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Searching, good luck deciding for yourself if you have a problem with alcohol or not...and to do it so early. Sometimes those we are in relations with are our best key and other times, we may think they are WAY overreacting. I thought I was decent at drinking only later at night (often after my husband went to bed) so my husband wasn't bothered by my drinking like he expressed he was years prior. Truth is he came to me not long ago at all and said he 'doesn't understand why I "get drunk" almost every night. WHAT?! Ah.. I wasn't drunk. I didn't feel 'drunk'... I just felt slightly tipsy.

I can't figure it out but if it is causing a problem in your relationship, I'd guess it probably IS causing a problem in your life. My husband doesn't like drinking either btw.

I want to stop drinking for everyone... except for me! I just keep figuring I won't let it get so far as to where it is destroying my life. If I see it getting close, I'll just stop. Others say it just doesn't work that way so just be careful and take care of yourself. Good luck in deciding what is best for you.
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Old 08-15-2009, 09:05 AM
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Searching, I'm afraid I'd have to back up what Dee and December said. This is not the sort of thing somebody else can tell you, although if it's interfering with your relationships, that's of course something to consider. And Laurie's suggestion of not drinking for 30 days is a quick (ish) and easy way to figure it out, I suppose.

But, Laura, be very, very careful. I was doing alright--drinking too much but still getting promoted, getting into college, taking care of finances and so on--and then one day I wasn't. To this day I can not say when that point was. At the time, every day seemed the same as the last, more or less. I'm not saying that is going to happen to you (I hope it doesn't, I would wish this on no one) but please, be aware of this.
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Old 08-15-2009, 09:56 AM
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Give it a month or two with no drinking.. you'll know if you need help.
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Old 08-15-2009, 10:47 AM
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hello and welcome to sr.only you can decide if you have a problem with alcohol.i would suggest what many others have here,abstain for a month,,see how you go,then have a rethink.i wish you well.
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