need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
need advice
Hi everyone,
I've been trying to set some boundaries with my AH - not so sure anymore if I am successful - maybe it's time for new ones, maybe I'm not doing it right?
AH has been drinking a lot and is spiraling down fast. I think he is finally realizing that our marriage is on a downhill path (and that after being married for only 8 months). I've been trying to focus on myself and during the day I'm pretty good at not letting him get to me (I can calmly tell him when he is being inappropriate and/ or walk away). BUT the past few nights, I really let him push my buttons and blew up at him several times. Like I said he has started to recognize that things aren't so good between us and that I am somewhat withdrawing. So his way of trying to reconnect is not by getting sober and into treatment (which I told him is what I needed from him), but by clinging to me. We used to cuddle, touch, kiss a lot, but lately I've been kind of distant. The past few nights he's been coming to bed soon after I lay down and has been wanting to cuddle (or putting his heavy arm and legs on me, which I can't stand when he is drunk/smelling of booze and which makes it almost impossible for me to fall asleep) and talk. I usually start out by asking him nicely to move over and stop talking so that I can fall asleep. That usually doesn't work so that I move to the living room couch, he usually follows me there and I end up moving from bed to couch to bed to couch etc. until I completely blow up and yell at him every time he approaches me (at some point he usually gives up or passes out). He tends to stay somewhat calm through most of it, puts on his drunk puppy eyed smile tells me he loves me and he just wants to be with me and follows me around. From time to time he gets mad after I yell at him: gives me a "I should have never have married you, b***" rolls over or leaves only to come back a few min. later to tell me he loves me and wants to cuddle. It drives me absolutely insane... I need my sleep and get really cranky when I don't. I hate having to yell at him and feel guilty about it, because I know he really just wants to be with me and does it because he loves me and is scared that we will fall apart (he even said that)
If this would happen during the day, I would just leave for a bit, but at midnight I'm tired, don't feel like leaving the house and really just want to sleep. I also don't want to go to a friends house in the middle of the night. I'm not ready to leave him (just can't give up on our marriage), so that's not an option. I was thinking about telling him to stay with his parents a couple of nights a week (esp. on his days off), if he doesn't stop doing that... but I really don't want to make his parents take care of him (and I'm not even sure they would let him "move" in a couple days a week, because they know how he can get). Any advice on how to best handle the situation?
I've been trying to set some boundaries with my AH - not so sure anymore if I am successful - maybe it's time for new ones, maybe I'm not doing it right?
AH has been drinking a lot and is spiraling down fast. I think he is finally realizing that our marriage is on a downhill path (and that after being married for only 8 months). I've been trying to focus on myself and during the day I'm pretty good at not letting him get to me (I can calmly tell him when he is being inappropriate and/ or walk away). BUT the past few nights, I really let him push my buttons and blew up at him several times. Like I said he has started to recognize that things aren't so good between us and that I am somewhat withdrawing. So his way of trying to reconnect is not by getting sober and into treatment (which I told him is what I needed from him), but by clinging to me. We used to cuddle, touch, kiss a lot, but lately I've been kind of distant. The past few nights he's been coming to bed soon after I lay down and has been wanting to cuddle (or putting his heavy arm and legs on me, which I can't stand when he is drunk/smelling of booze and which makes it almost impossible for me to fall asleep) and talk. I usually start out by asking him nicely to move over and stop talking so that I can fall asleep. That usually doesn't work so that I move to the living room couch, he usually follows me there and I end up moving from bed to couch to bed to couch etc. until I completely blow up and yell at him every time he approaches me (at some point he usually gives up or passes out). He tends to stay somewhat calm through most of it, puts on his drunk puppy eyed smile tells me he loves me and he just wants to be with me and follows me around. From time to time he gets mad after I yell at him: gives me a "I should have never have married you, b***" rolls over or leaves only to come back a few min. later to tell me he loves me and wants to cuddle. It drives me absolutely insane... I need my sleep and get really cranky when I don't. I hate having to yell at him and feel guilty about it, because I know he really just wants to be with me and does it because he loves me and is scared that we will fall apart (he even said that)
If this would happen during the day, I would just leave for a bit, but at midnight I'm tired, don't feel like leaving the house and really just want to sleep. I also don't want to go to a friends house in the middle of the night. I'm not ready to leave him (just can't give up on our marriage), so that's not an option. I was thinking about telling him to stay with his parents a couple of nights a week (esp. on his days off), if he doesn't stop doing that... but I really don't want to make his parents take care of him (and I'm not even sure they would let him "move" in a couple days a week, because they know how he can get). Any advice on how to best handle the situation?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Middle Village, NY
Posts: 48
My AH does the same thing, follows me during the night drunk, going from love and hate but he wants sex. blah. It's a wondering drunk. He may do this for hours. Work on your boundaries and on what is that YOU want.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Lotus
He is not a child needing comfort after a bad dream. He is an inconsiderate adult.
When you go to bed, tell him you are tired and going to bed to get some sleep. Period.
If he does not respect your wishes, get your keys and go. Give one of your girlfriends a heads up that you may need to sleep on her couch for one night. Hopefully, he will understand you are serious.
Do you have another bedroom you could go to and lock the door? That might work also, but be prepared to dial 911 if he starts banging and yelling.
I locked my X out of the bedroom one evening. I would go to our bedroom to read or watch a movie if he was drinking and watching TV in the living room. He had an annoying habit of coming all the way down the hall to the master bathroom, past the hall bathroom, everytime he needed to potty while watching football and drinking. It seemed like every 15 minutes. One night I wasn't feeling well, so I shut and locked the door. BAM! I thought he broke his nose when he hit that door expecting it to swing right open. I calmly said, use the other bathroom please I'm trying to rest. (I did unlock the door before I went to sleep for the night) He learned to use the hall bathroom with only one lesson.
He is not a child needing comfort after a bad dream. He is an inconsiderate adult.
When you go to bed, tell him you are tired and going to bed to get some sleep. Period.
If he does not respect your wishes, get your keys and go. Give one of your girlfriends a heads up that you may need to sleep on her couch for one night. Hopefully, he will understand you are serious.
Do you have another bedroom you could go to and lock the door? That might work also, but be prepared to dial 911 if he starts banging and yelling.
I locked my X out of the bedroom one evening. I would go to our bedroom to read or watch a movie if he was drinking and watching TV in the living room. He had an annoying habit of coming all the way down the hall to the master bathroom, past the hall bathroom, everytime he needed to potty while watching football and drinking. It seemed like every 15 minutes. One night I wasn't feeling well, so I shut and locked the door. BAM! I thought he broke his nose when he hit that door expecting it to swing right open. I calmly said, use the other bathroom please I'm trying to rest. (I did unlock the door before I went to sleep for the night) He learned to use the hall bathroom with only one lesson.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Sad. Do you want to live like this? With a man like this? Gosh girl, you are only 8 months into this marriage - do you think you can make him change by loving him?
You can't.
What you have to ultimately decide is "is this what I want for myself?"
He is an adult, not a kid that you or his parents have to take care of OR tolerate.
Time to take a long hard look at your situation.
You can't.
What you have to ultimately decide is "is this what I want for myself?"
He is an adult, not a kid that you or his parents have to take care of OR tolerate.
Time to take a long hard look at your situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
When I was at a stage of I didn't want to leave my husband, I stayed in a motel room for those nights when he wouldn't quit bothering me. You can plan ahead: make sure that they have 24hr reception or call before you leave. I called a taxi so that I would be able to run out of the house and get in without a drama show. I was afraid things would turn ugly if I tried to drive out (we only had one car). At first I worried about the cost of the motel but really how much was the alcohol costing the household?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thanks to all of you
I'm staying at a friends house tonight (told him i needed some time alone and needed to be able to sleep tonight)! Feels good to be away, even if it's just for a day! AH and I had a bad night and somehow I felt the need to talk to him when I got back from work in the afternoon! I should have known better than to talk to him after he's been drinking (HA, no sleep and I forget everything I've been working on the past couple of weeks). I tried to focus the conversation on trying to find a way to make our marriage work, but somehow got sucked into arguements about all the things he doesn't like about me. Some of the things he said were pretty hurtful. Even though I know that part of it had to do with the fact that he had been drinking and is angry at me for withdrawing from him, I know a lot of what he said is based on how he really feels about me. I'm really discouraged right now and don't even know anymore what he does love about me. I don't get how he can say all these things and acknowledge the fact that our marriage is going downhill and then an hour later just pretends nothing happened and tells me that he loves me. :wtf2 w I know, I know... that's what a's do!
Sorry for the pitty party... just needed to get this off my chest and writing things down seems to help me see things clearer.
I'm staying at a friends house tonight (told him i needed some time alone and needed to be able to sleep tonight)! Feels good to be away, even if it's just for a day! AH and I had a bad night and somehow I felt the need to talk to him when I got back from work in the afternoon! I should have known better than to talk to him after he's been drinking (HA, no sleep and I forget everything I've been working on the past couple of weeks). I tried to focus the conversation on trying to find a way to make our marriage work, but somehow got sucked into arguements about all the things he doesn't like about me. Some of the things he said were pretty hurtful. Even though I know that part of it had to do with the fact that he had been drinking and is angry at me for withdrawing from him, I know a lot of what he said is based on how he really feels about me. I'm really discouraged right now and don't even know anymore what he does love about me. I don't get how he can say all these things and acknowledge the fact that our marriage is going downhill and then an hour later just pretends nothing happened and tells me that he loves me. :wtf2 w I know, I know... that's what a's do!
Sorry for the pitty party... just needed to get this off my chest and writing things down seems to help me see things clearer.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It's different for each of us, but we all get here for basically the same reason- we looked on the internet for an answer about how to deal with a loved one whose drinking was a problem for us.
It's good that you're able to get a good night's sleep at a friend's house. And, it will be good for you to look at things with fresh and rested eyes... when I was living in the craziness that was my marriage, I stayed in a hotel a few nights myself and the world was a much clearer and more defined place the following day.
I hope you're able to rest.
It's good that you're able to get a good night's sleep at a friend's house. And, it will be good for you to look at things with fresh and rested eyes... when I was living in the craziness that was my marriage, I stayed in a hotel a few nights myself and the world was a much clearer and more defined place the following day.
I hope you're able to rest.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
when I was living in the craziness that was my marriage, I stayed in a hotel a few nights myself and the world was a much clearer and more defined place the following day.
I hope you're able to rest.
I hope you're able to rest.
I might add, the hotel was cleaner than picking up after a drunk!
Lotus, I hope you get some much needed rest.
Please vent, post and read as often as needed. You are not alone, we have been where you are; and we are here to support you!
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