Stellar

Hi every1 my names April, and I found yer site after my boyfriend went into rehab a month ago, but its been 2wks since I found this site.

I met my AB 6 months ago, it was like I didn't see his face instantly, but I looked straight into his heart, and even though he want my type...I genuinley felt that he was a good person. Our relationship started off slowly, but evrything was so good. I hadn't let my parents even meet a guy that I dated in over 6 years. But I knew then AB was the one for me.
I had no idea what kind of monster lived inside him. Im a social drinker, and the 2 of us would go to a few local bars and have a few then get a 6pak on the way home.. abt 2 1/2 months into our relationship, I was finally introduced to his other side. His personal hell, where all the demons from the past, and present were residing in his soul, eating him alive. He said things to me that made me feel like the texas chainsaw massacre guy had invaded my body and ripped the strongest parts of me into shreds.

I know alcoholics. My family is full of them. And my mom and I are rescuers. I hated the way they behaved when they drank. They would go and screw up terribly, then need to get bailed out of jail, or rushed to the emergency room. Where they would sleep, as I stood there watching them, my soul was seething and furious. I knew they would never thank me, and never apologise. Their behavior disgusted me, and I had no respect for them, until now.
I got to live with my Ab, and see him sober, too. He said... I dont have a problem, I can quit anytime I want to. Lets go get a 6 pack... not really like that, but u know its just a alternate route to get back to drinking. He was extremely good to me, and extremely bad to me. When he was drinking I would unleash all the years of rage right back onto him. I thought somehow, Id knock some sense into him and get my sober boyfriend back. Within 6 moths, I got a DUI and also went to jail for 2 counts of domestic assult. I never hurt any1 in my life, but it got to the point where I felt like a pit bull at a dog fight. I lost my car, my job, money... we had to move to a new apt to "get a fresh start" and well, it turned out to be the biggest bowl of false hope that anyones ever tried to feed me.
I kicked him out. I was not going back to jail, not going to keep going down deeper into the black hole of alcoholism. I could barley see the light from where I was standing, and really didn't feel like spending years trying to climb back out. I called the cops, and got the no trespassing order. My ab had no where to stay. he had family, but they knew what he was like. Everyone knew. So he lived outside, getting drunk and walking around. I wasn't happy abt him being gone, I cried bc I loved him. I understand his pain. Why would he chose that crap over me? I didn't have any idea how alcohol has a firm grip on its prey. I saw him one day, and he was looking so bad. His skin was a grey like color, and he was bleeding from a medicalcondition I didnt even know about! I snuk him into my apartment, so he could get cleaned up, and eat a real meal, and sleep without getting eaten alive by spiders and mosquitos. He looked so ashamed. He said, I need help. And again, I put my cape on and made sure he got a good nights sleep. I was hooked, again.
I followed him around, trying to keep him from drinking. Id sneak him in at night and feed him. And then, after talking to my gramma abt everything, she said.. you cant save him.. and theres nothing you can do. Dont try and save an alcoholic from his pain, its the best friend he's got. God loves him, and you.. more than the both of you realize. So when I hung up the phone, I prayed to God, make it easy for me to let him go, I can't do this anymore...
and he left my place the next morning. I didn't go follow him around. His dad called me the next morning asking for his sons things, and said tht my ab called him up crying, cz he was ready to go to rehab. Its been a month now. The first week was hard. On his end, with all the memories washing up and flooding him with guilt and shame. Hes got 1 place to turn to, and thats God. I have a hard time bc of all the months of rescuing and a lifetime of focusing on every1 else.. selling myself short, and carrying around everyones baggage, giving them the benifit of the doubt. It sucks having only myself to focus on. Before I had to work 6 days a week, I had tv, a car, money, and my daughter (who was at her dads in san diego the last month of my ab's saga) so a whole month, of just...me...

I started going to al anon, so I can get better, too. If I hadn't met my ab then maybe I would have never uncovered all unresolved issues I was living with. I know that if I want my life to change for the better, I focus on myself. It is not easy. I know if I don't go to al anon that I will slip back into my programmed behavior patterns, and my life will never change for the better.

My ab is not a monster anymore. Hes happy, and he looks healthy. Hes back to being really good to me, and hes comitted to 6 months in the rehab. He can leave at any time, but he said he dosent want to suddenly be 40 (Hes 34 now)...and still going around in circles with drinking and recovery. So he has 5 months left to go.
I like reading your experiences. Its hard bc most of my friends hate my ab (except for 1, whos a recovering a.)think I'm so stupid 4 bein w him, they preach and judge me everytime we're together... yet they are with men who are worse, and refuse to take responsibility foir their actions. So by reading your posts, and goin 2 al anon, not only am I learning, but also gaining strength from all the different perspectives, and hope for a positive outcome. Thank you!!

Astro

Hello April, and welcome to SR. Thanks for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with our members.

Look forward to hearing more from you. Take care.

queenie88

hi stellar,

welcome to SR! i am relatively new to the site myself and I just want to say that you have found a great place here. It’s been a really helpful outlet for me and it’s comforting and reassuring to know that there are people out there who have been through the same things that I have.

oh stellar…this resonates with me so much. I too lived with my xabf and didn’t know the extent of his addiction until we moved in together. I completely understand the rage, the desire to “knock some sense” into xabf. Up until this point I considered myself a relatively calm and peaceful person, but around xabf while he was drinking…it just got to the point where everything was pent up, the anger, the rage, the disgust, the disappointment, the embarrassment, the self-doubt…that one night I exploded and threw a remote at the wall and broke his tv. I’ve never been so furious in my life! After that blow-up he kicked me out, strung me along and broke up with me. I know I should be happy I got out when I did, as many people on SR have pointed out to me, but I still struggle with the guilt and have had a hard time forgiving myself. That’s why coming to SR has really helped me hash things out. I know I’m ready to start my recovery and become a healthier person. Thank you for sharing your story!