myraelen

one
Webster's defines of the concept of one:
* Pronunciation: \ˈwən\
* Function: adjective
1 : being a single unit or thing <one day at a time>
2 a : being one in particular <early one morning> b : being preeminently what is indicated <one fine person>
3 a : being the same in kind or quality <both of one species> b (1) : constituting a unified entity of two or more components <the combined elements form one substance> (2) : being in agreement or union <am one with you on this>
4 a : some 1 <will see you again one day> b : being a certain individual specified by name <one John Doe made a speech>
5 : only 2a <the one person she wanted to marry>




hmm funny i didn't start grieving the loss of fantasy until i found this site 18 days ago
i didn't know addicts
i didn't know addiction
i read and read and read
and within hours the realization of reality shattered the storybook ending i had been desperately clinging too despite pain and humiliation that overtook our shared experiences (me and the xabf), increasingly common the longer i knew him and accepted him in my life.
i had never felt such an expansive exodus of audible grief, the sound so foreign it frightened me as i shook, powerless to keep my suffering bottled any longer

this was almost 3 weeks ago
i was so so sad to lose my fantasy
we have not spoken for x number of hours/days
i miss the friendship
i do not miss the madness
i am pleasantly surprised at how easily i can slip into peace now
and despite my mourning, the moments (and sleepless hours of) anger and frustration are still familiar enough that the peace and lack of stress feels like a soothing balm to my still tender cuts

i read and i read and i read
and i nod my head emphatically in agreement
and i bookmark
and i highlight and i copy and i paste and i print and i scrapbook (OK not really but still, mentally) and i find relief and some nights( and mornings and afternoons and evenings) it is so so difficult to place that one foot in front of the other

and i understand and accept the non possibility of the fantasy
but i consider still if we really were friends and supportive of each other and simply held the best intentions but our own lack of esteem resulted in sometimes less than friendly behavior

and my dance forward slows
and then stills
and i begin to play with the idea in my head that i will be strong enough and partial enough to be in contact
and i then play with the idea that i will be strong enough and resilient enough to be friends and nothing more
and then i get really creative and play with the idea of flying to his state and visiting him in his hometown where i have desired to visit him for months and months and months, and this will occur in 3 weeks and this will be joyful and fun and beneficial and i observe how subconsciously this trip is a warp of the fantasy, pushed and pulled and prodded, to fit into a hole of opportunity in the new found reality.

some pills i swallow to help me regain balance
i was his date at his only sibling and sisters wedding
of course this was the strongest argument in support of my fantasy
he is the adorable older brother
pined after for years by his lil' sis's friends, all blonde and beautiful
they are all gathered together for this celebration
but on his arm he has me, his petite brunette, the intellectual, beautiful and smart and talented and from an exotic big city,
'whoisshe!?!' i am sure escaped the lips of lil' sis's friends that weekend
he could have enjoyed a week of throngs of girls throwing themselves and their romantic ideals at him
did I mention he is the most gorgeous creature I have ever encountered
and the creator put some deLIGHTFUL elements into this piece of art:
funny and creative and talented and what is turning out to seem as 'too' smart
well, that man of mine, in the wedding party
almost too drunk to walk his mother down the aisle
that man, the evening before, drunk at the rehearsal dinner, flirting with another woman as i storm out, angry and upset, but we leave together moments later
he abandons me later at the wedding reception
me, alone with 200 strangers,
his mom tight and curt with me
his sister, spoke to me not once at the reception
from the beginning of the week, i felt, i wouldn't say excluded, but def not made to feel as one of the family, and to my utter surprise, no one had much interest in getting to know me or made much effort to celebrate the relationship the boy and i shared or made any sort of gestures of appreciation or extension of themselves to me other than a manner of curtesy. the mother and the sister and the son, all were a very tight, religiously prominent family in a wealthy, conservative community. . .and mourn the loss of their religious-leader-father to a most vile decade and a half of alcoholism. HE had the courtesy to stay sober for his daughter and son-in-law's celebration. The stories my axbf told me of his childhood and teen years would fill my yearning heart with jealousy. i wish i had the experience of a mom so close and so affectionate and nurturing. a mom that you did mom things with. who baked you cookies and picked you up from school. yes i have a mother. she loves me. she took very good care of me. she did not have the best ability to nurture me emotionally. she worked all day. we would come home and eat dinner together, my parents and I, but they would be drinking from the early afternoon, then a bottle of wine with dinner, then pass out in front of the TV. and so these stories of emotionally closeness and friend-like experiences of support made my daughtersoul HUNGER for the nourishment it craved so desperately. (any ACoA girls out there- read- without hesitation,Perfect Daughters by Ackerman, this book helped me understand myself and why i perceive the world the way that i do.) Now Yes, admittedly I hoped, of course expectantly, that the mother and the daughter, who are close with the son/brother, would desire to establish a close, emotional bond with myself as well. This was long before I realized just how 'unwell' my axbf was as well as for how long he had been 'sick.' (He told me 10 years long after we had been dating for 10 months. . .who waits 10 months to share such a thing?!?!?!?) it was really not enjoyable to be almost excluded from the family experience, not that i wasn't greeted and invited, i just wasn't really of any significance and of course i took it personally yet at that point in time ( almost 6 months ago) I was in absolute surrender to the love of love and the feeling that everything was meant to be and that i had-in fact- met 'the one,' and i found it quite peculiar and a bit unnerving that his dearest gal relations placed walls between themselves and I, then again they may have possibly been preoccupied with something like, say, a wedding! Outside of the family, the mother's close friends were very warm and welcoming and dear, if it were not for them. . .I am looking still for understanding of this. Perhaps this is a practice for those who attend Al-Anon. It was the mother who later, after almost having to bakeract her son who was staying at my house/drive 10 hours straight to 'rescue' him from his latest suicide threat, recommend that I approach Al-Anon. Perhaps, also, I recognize now that their knowledge of how severe xabf 'unhealthiness' allowed them to identify myself as also possibly 'unhealthy.' In all honesty, it was a very emotional disappointment, yet what right do I have to expect this woman who has weathered years of pain at the hands of her diseased abusers to openly accept and welcome a new-what-I-considered-myself-to-be family member. (I had a very close relationship with my college bf's sister and mother, the same difference in age between xabf's sis and me, and the same difference in age between me and his mom, this initial experience from 10 years ago led me to believe that they would loveloveLOVE! to be my best friends. . .yes, I am still sad :-| ) as well, did it not cross their minds that i was under my xabf's spell, that possibly i needed a bit of a 'talking too'? Did it not cross the moral barometer of his family that perhaps the polite, professional,young thing their son/bro had brought home was not aware that he was a hardcore addict and had perhaps not the best of intentions for the time he shared with her?

back to the wedding reception
and here i am abandoned at the reception and i end up walking from one end of the property to the other in heels, in a parking garage, across grassy lawns, to find him in the car smoking with a family friend, myself not invited or notified before he bounded off a 1/2 mile down the road. his glass of red wine in the cup holder. tilts and spills on his wedding party whites. he strips off his shirt and attempts to drunkenly wash it in the fountain while i sit in the car in horror and shame.
while i sit in the car NOT feeding each other cake and laughing and sending the newlywed couple off with a cheering crowd holding sparklers. . .


so the moments i keep in mind, the phrases i tell myself in my head to motivate myself toward the path of peace
if it is an occasion of celebration, and here we are, himself drunk, and myself cringing in emotional pain, what logic is that?
"You were drunk. . ."
I hear this phrase spoken aloud in my head and I fill in the actual facts, which are very joyous and positive events, and I consider the phrase and how I would actually feel monumentally worse if the phrase was finished with an occasion both difficult and sad, and consider that if he was drunk for the happy, then how can i possibly expect him to be sober and supportive for the sad
"You were drunk and abusive at your sister's wedding"
"You were drunk and abusive on my 30th birthday"
and I replace wedding and birthday with a Yet To Become Reality-
"You were drunk and abusive at my father's wake"
"You were drunk and abusive at our child's first session of chemotherapy"
and WOW I am right back on that path to recovery, that path AWAY from the pain and tension and tears and D I S A P O I N T M E N T
I am, however, still a bit miffed that my storybook isn't coming true, and do throw myself 'timeout' moments where I can sit with it, where I can sit with it and chew my lip, where i can sit with it and chew my lip and look pensively at the ground and honest to god admit that i feel real bummed about this turn of misfortune and embarrassment over the actual validity of my intuition, my gut feelings, and my heart of gold experience

my self-serving and self-deluding gut instinct

'i must learn to value the relationship for the meaning it has for me, for what it contributes to my experience,' I read in an earlier post on here (thank you!)

a close friend recently returned to town, hearing all about him, she asked if i thought he was my 'stepping stone' to (i forget) and I replied that I thought he was my 'stepping stone' to myself!


I have realized now that I have entertained illusions of grandeur in the reality of disfunction in multiple relationships.


The colorful experience that I have had for the past year has been one of much love and much growth. This xabf is quite philosophical and comforting, therapeutic and kind and has almost consistently made sweet gestures through out our relationship and our friendship has consistently been bolstered by tokens of affection. Although this morning as I drove home from my therapy session I considered that perhaps he instinctively knew that these were boundaries that he could not break. Yes, yes I have an old ex that chose to not acknowledge my birthday. Twice. And that is about me, not my old ex, really. But I think, because my axbf knew of such occurrences or instinctively could sense such things, had the fortitude and the grace to celebrate holidays and birthdays with me, such a new delight. or perhaps he is just the ladies man. . .

Back the month after the wedding
he was consuming almost 20-24 beers a day
he felt at the point of physical illness
he reportedly had little energy, felt weak, had not been eating.
Mother's Day Sunday. He contacted myself and his mother and his sister and determined to not drink, to choose sobriety, to abstain on his own accord. He shared a very emotional bonding session with his sister, he shared moments of weakness and confession with his mother, he was so adamantly abhorred by his history of poor choices and destructive lifestyle. He sounded so enthusiastic and strong willed. Yesss!

I flew him to my town to recover and recuperate and eat and sleep and walk and breathe. He was skinny, his muscle tone and definition he so proudly displayed 8 months earlier had melted. He looked dark under the eyes and carried the energy of a wounded and scared puppy. Concerned, but in my fantasy I am on cloud 9. Yess! He is here! He has choosen! Finally! All the anxiety and waiting is over! It is done! D O N E, I believe. We will be together and he will choose sobriety and choose recovery and choose his special, special woman F O R E V E R! We celebrated his birthday in sobriety, he even changing his flight and staying an extra weekend just to ensure he did not have any temptation on his birthday to break his recovery. We share the same astrological sign. He leaves my town to the arms of his mother and sister to equally celebrate and acknowledge his birthday and recovery.

A week later, my birthday.
A week later, I awake to his phone call, him having been awake all night (strange) and just returning home. He sounds not himself, he is coming in and wants to sleep. I am excited all morning it is my time to shine, my party, and eventually my frequency and length of my calls to celebrate 'with' him are 'upsetting' and he informs me that he wishes the presents he sent me for my birthday had not arrived a few days earlier but that I had received them this day so as to placate and sooth me in his absence so that he didn't have to carry the burden of taking phone calls from me on my birthday. . .
. . .so that he didn't have to talk to me on my birthday. . .? huh?
and then he is unreachable for the entire rest of the daylight hours. . .
and then i talk to him in the evening before going out to celebrate and he has been asleep all day and had the unfortunate experience of falling asleep while boiling eggs and of course all the water had boiled away and the shells cracked and the eggs burned and filled his whole house with the, i can only imagine, sour stench of burnt eggy-sulphur. and he doesn't really hold a conversation and i am left on the evening of my 30th birthday with a sobbing heavy heart of 'ohhhnooo,' the fantasy cracking in the falling darkness of reality. . .oh how could he, of all days to relapse, the day i was to take for myself? . . .he was sober for 23 days and now it is gone, the pain was intense and unbearable and the very next morning. . .

i said, to hell with him, i am going to live MY LIFE
and I filled out an online dating profile and I made plans with friends and I went to the gym and organized my house and enjoyed the beach and was just bouncing along as best I could when a week later. . .

he shows up at my door
we live 14 hours away from each other


this is the point where all of you experienced kids out there are reading this and thinking to yourself, the same way we yell at the naive protagonists in horror movie to not go down into the basement, how i needed to get away and get out of there and let me tell you I saw this moment and this reaction of his as. . .

THIS IS IT
He is HERE
He chose me
(this was when i did not realize that i was not even an option, see, i thought it was the romantic long distance relationship will very easily come to a commitment when the man chooses to be with the woman he will make it happen)

THIS WAS WHAT I WAS WAITING ANXIOUSLY FOR, FOR MONTHS

(oh, typing this, now, i guess he knew that. . .huh. . .)

um,
ok
yeah so the weeks following that were filled with half hearted attempts at job searches by him and procrastination and a sort of disbelief on my part that i almost wanted to 'show him' how its done but i wouldn't, i mean, finding a job and an apt is his responsibility and i was sorta unimpressed by his whole unprofessional approach to it all. . .and then his car failing and then he got kinda moody and ended up at a friend's house who had a very young party mom who he constantly denied being 'with' despite their easy and private exchanges when i was at her house, i just kind of identified it as the place he went to where he had free reign to booze it up 24/7
i was leaving town on a business/pleasure trip and did not previously secure tickets for him as i did not know if he would have a job and could not be able to go
the night before I was to leave, he took off to said friend's house and in the morning as i was packing, he was still 'gonegonegone' (mentally and physically) and refused to come back to say farewell or to even pack his stuff and fly out the next day as I assumed would happen as this is what boyfriends do with girlfriends- they take vacations together and what is wrong with this picture?!?

and he was non communicative as i boarded the plane
and when i landed i found illogical messages on my voicemail
and i was in a foreign city with no immediate plans or schedule that I had to adhere too and in my head i was filled with worry and frustration and why-me's and plenty of just-how-did-my-world-turn-upside-down-confusion.
hmm
the night before i left, i contact our mutual acquaintance, his buddy from HS, to ask him for compassion for the xabf as the xabf had been making suicide threats the past couple of weeks, (also made one 6 months prior)
the threats had come to a point where it was too much to carry on my shoulders alone and I NEEDED support
the xabf's threats, i initially saw as an attention getting device,
but they increased with frequency
and increased in detail and specifics such as when and where and how and of course why
and i could not bear that burden alone and i turned to the only person i saw who could adequately handle this type of information with out damaging the relationship this person had with the xabf
this HS buddy called my xabf's mom, something i was too timid to do. i do not know if it was self preservation, shoot the messenger type of deal in my head, or if it was because the mom was over 10 hours away and this person was just down the street that i hesitated to call her.
well, his mom decided to have him baker acted, AND THEN CALLED THE NONCOMMUNICATING XABF AND LEFT HIM A VOICE MAIL THAT THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
well, the xabf is mad that i even reported his threats
the xabf is mad that his mom is turning him in
and the xabf is now no way going to show up at my house to gather his belongings and get on a plane to share a romantic weeklong getaway that was sure to be a blast for both of us.
the first days of my trip i am a prisoner of my laptop and wifi in my hotel room. waiting to hear from him some sign of him on fb ect ect. yes i was also researching what to do and where to go in this new foreign town, but i also felt PARALYZED and of course the pain was overbearing
the sensation of this change in perspective was so peculiar, i could actually 'feel' as if something was being removed from my sight and from my mind.
and as time went on, within a week, the xabf was sick of being at his friend's house and wanted to enjoy the comforts and peace of 'home' or at least a home that he felt he had the right to help himself to.
despite his best drunk pleas before i left for the airport, i did not leave the door unlocked at his request
and despite his best threats of hopping on a bus and riding back to his hometown before I returned home, i did not authorize my landlord to open and unlock the door, infact i called my property manager and asked that he NOT let the xabf into my apt.
i did however leave a key with my parents but my xabf angrily refused to, according to him, 'subject himself' to such practices such as have to 'ask permission' from my dad . .
he left me many 'angry/disappointed with you messages' and 'im going to have to leave town wish we had a chance to say goodbye didn't want to see it end like this' voicemails
these later transformed to 'his friend's mom 'threw him out of the house' and he was now 'on the streets' but wouldnt tell me the intersections he was at or where he was headed to and that he had to 'sleep on the streets' last night.'
this was all VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY hard and painful for me to experience when only weeks earlier, i was convinced i was about to be proposed to
it didnt make ANY SENSE to me when only weeks earlier, i was convinced i was in a 10 month long monogamous relationship
how he could so easily abandon me, and decide he would rather not go on a fun trip, yet hold me accountable for his shelter and physical comfort while I was away on a trip that he had full advance warning and knowledge of. this made my head spin, trying to grasp some concept of understanding, all the while i was in a new town, making new friends, and despite the worry, experiencing a new, unfamiliar sensation of peace and freeeeeeeeedom, yummy!
i felt so good that i actually 'missed' my plane home and had to stay an entire extra day, how subconscious is that?

and the last few days before i returned, he made amends and was amicable and sober and communicative, and we made plans to see each other the final week before he really did finally leave for home (one can't make suicide threats and then not be expected to return to mom's i suppose), and now as I type this I wonder if he was only sober and nice and emotionally reunited to me the last couple of days before I returned home because he had to play nice to get what he wanted?!?!? is this true? is this how it works? is it really that scary and intense? are addicts and manipulators putting that much thought into it?
and then his plans to leave changed from one form to another and from one day to another and then from one week to another- procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate
he left with plans to take a job with a family member in a lucrative position that i was very impressed with
here i was still hoping and searching for a way for the fantasy to be and for him to become healthy



he never took that position and went on to another close friend of the family that was to offer him help
and then went on to another close friend of the family that was to immerse him in a church community and offer support for recovery and shelter and an employment position
while he was exploring this option he got an idea in his head that he would come back down here, be my roommate in the new larger home i was moving into, and take classes to finish his abandoned years ago college education.

I think, "wow, so in only two weeks you didn't like the options you were offered by folks with determined compassion to help you but not enable you, and you want to come **** all over my garden of daisies and butterflies?"

My answer was NO.

He is still in a position of transition which is probably his actual true habitat
Staying with another family friend until the weekend opens up the opportunity for him to explore. . .you know, i don't know, i don't know what he is even doing or even where he is!

I have not talked to him since tuesday night
he was mean to me and emotionally neglectful repeatedly in a foul mood for a few days there (must have been the NO, now that I think about it) and i asked him to stop and he didnt acknowledge he did anything wrong and did not apologize and then he did it again and i called him out on it
he no longer seemed interested in talking to me
he no longer seemed to have any time for me
and he basically kept insisting that we were to be friends only from now on and that we could be supportive of each other's emotional growth but that we didn't have to share with each other our daily occurrences and plans and schedules and that our communication should transition to something more formal and restrained and distancing
and when i questioned him as to why this was
his reasoning was that he did not want to be in a long distance relationship
and when i questioned him as to what had recently changed as he had supposedly been in a 11 month long long distance relationship, he became critical of me to draw attention away from his lack of logic and we ended up in an argument where he threw in a new girl's name, and somehow he addressed what we had been sharing as a 'relationship' and i replied, 'that wasn't a relationship at all, you were just crashing on my couch for 6 weeks at a time, as you had repeatedly called it whenever i approached you to share the financial responsibility and household duties. "
this was the point that he hung up on me.

i wrote him an email identifying the hang up as emotional blackmail and a disrespectful treatment of one's so-called friend. i told him that nothing he says really means anything, that I will only take note of his actions.

and i walked away.
and I am still uncertain if I am being used or if he is even possibly a friend.

and i am not going to call him
and the more time that passes, the more at peace i feel
after almost 36 hours, he sent me a text saying "Keep Shinin' Sunshine! Someone Loves You."
and I did not respond
An hour later, I phoned him as I am trying to collect payment for the wireless phone. Left no message

later Friday nite he IMs me on fb, 'Hey Babe.' 'Goodnite Love' to which my ONLY response is 'I need payment for phone' and nothing more. but I did initially notice he was online and I sat there for 5 minutes mentally wishing him to message me.

Recently we spoke on the phone in a very familiar and friendly manner, but kept it brief. . .and yet I still notice all the moments that pass where I would naturally turn to call him or txt him but I choose not to and eventually those moments pass and the impulse become less frequent bit by bit by eeeeeeensie-weeeeeensie bit.

Here is where I am unsure.
If he has a good heart, which I myself as well as the mutual HS buddy think he does, then perhaps when his madness wears away and he is refreshed, he has moments during which he reaches out and shares with another, as a friend, in a gesture of love and genuine care for another.

however, i am also considering that he is casting out a line, that at the end of this line is a hook, and on this hook is fresh bait

AND
With my vacation coming up in 10 days, i am flying across country for a personal/business trip and he has entertained the possibility of attending the same conference. I am in support of his growth and attempts to solidify a functional life for himself, however I do not want to place myself in a compromising situation.
AND
The axbf and his immediate family are visiting a town a few hours away from myself to attend a weekend event. He has invited me to attend. We have spent the past 10 days with very little communication and I am curious as to see how our friendship fares after a peaceful half month of personal time for each of us. I am sure you may see this as a back peddle, but despite all of my hesitations, he really did help me very much when he entered my life, and he really is a very fascinating and adorable fellow when not in a state of perpetual drinking. However, just as I mentioned above, I do not know how seeing him would benefit my life, other than obviously I miss him and I miss the relationship and I miss the friendship and I miss the physical closeness and affection of a 'loved one.' I also predict that after seeing him for a short amount of time, I will only miss him more. . .
Or, perhaps I will help reinforce the separation/realize that I did my self a favor. I do desire a relationship with his immediate family but what if that desire is an unhealthy desire as well?

and yes I have sat myself down and had myself visualize a real vacation with a real honest and caring individual who is mentally and financially stable and offered myself the choice to feel and identify the differences and how it would be emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually beneficial. and yes I am, when i am ready, going to open my life to the opportunity to meeting someone new. currently I would rather focus on myself. and focus on living one day at a time, rather than this preconceived 'countdown' to an experience of what i expect will wrap my life up in a big beautiful bow.


final thoughts,
could he have possibly been 'the one' on a level of spiritual frequency but we were each unfortunate to meet too late or too unhealthily.
could my very strong intuitive gut feelings that he was to be the man i would be with for my life partner be a result of me beginning to enjoy life and attention and affection after leaving my previous old xbf who was emotionally abusive for over 2 years? then why did I also 'just know' that we will have a son together, why would my mind create such a sensation if it was not a very honest and real intuitive sense? I have never even considered if I would have children and was always previously leaning towards not having children and this was not a particular concern or obsession for me ever.
i also only realized this week, a full 11 months later, that that sensation i experienced when i met him, could it have possibly been due to having started very mild anti anxiety drugs 4 weeks previous to meeting him?
and really no matter what I add to this list of occurrences, the only question that honestly remains despite all things is, "What about myself?"
I am giving myself one intense look of disapproval. Do not fret, I have family and friends and mental health professionals here to support me, and I have always been a health-proactive individual with a stable life of financial independence and social responsibility.
And, oh yeah, that concept of boundaries? This was a NEW discovery for me, and I am working on establishing those, a bit late in life albeit, however I am everyday choosing to actively acknowledging my myself and my desires.


I thought this roller coaster was due to his lack of confidence in self and depression. I found the book very helpful: "Is he depressed or what? What to do when the man you love is irritable, moody, and withdrawn." I thought that my own experience with addiction allowed me to understand what I was approaching (years as a bulimic and then years to quit which i did on my own and was THE most difficult thing i have ever done). I thought he simply liked to party, I didn't realize it could become such a influence that one lost complete control. It was only with in the past 18 days that I realized that this was his lifelong path and practice and not just a phase, not really anything that I could support him through or help him with. I honestly did not know that such horrors existed and that my 'alcoholic' parents are relatively quite subdued in comparison to the ripples of many other SRboardmembers' experiences. I also feel compassion for this man, as his family was torn apart by it and he grieves and morns for this loss, and has yet to process it along with other unprocessed traumas in his life.

The card I bought for him a few days after he left, a card of a kitty exclaiming just how very much the recipient was 'missed,' inside of it I wrote a message from my favorite birthday card from my parents. I have been saving the parent's card to be framed and hung on the wall in the future, the message being so motivational and positive for one's growth . . .well anyways with all his 'transitioning' around I have waited week after week to mail it as he has yet to confirm for me an address he will be at long enough for it to arrive and well wouldn't you know when I pulled it out of my work bag this afternoon I figured I should have written this card to myself so I erased his name and wrote mine in place of his! Very symbolic and cute at the same time. It is on my fridge. Moved into NEW but not new place this week. The first home I have ever had that officially feels to be mine. It was my grandparent's condo, and it was their intention that it be mine one day. They have passed on in life, and I have allowed some years to pass to allow myself to grieve and the time finally arrived when it felt 'right' to return to what was the most important support system in my life's final home. It is a very tender and emotional transition for me. Every time I turn the key in the lock (it is pink with rhinestones and a tiara on it, appropriate as my grandfather always called me 'princess') and I turn the knob and open the door I am hit with the very essence/ the very scent takes me back to them and their absence in my life feels a bit overwhelmingly large for a few moments. My very close gf flew down Monday to help me unpack and get organized and do some sweet activities like snorkeling (received as birthday gift, finally made it into the ocean) and kayaking (bought for self over a year ago, finally got the boat wet). . .Now as the weekend approaches, the house is coming together and to feel cozy, and I realize that in the month since he has physically left, friends and supporters have flowed out of the woodwork to offer me opportunities to reach out to others and explore and renew relationships.

Your thoughts are appreciated.
Have a wonderful weekend
Admire and Appreciate the beautiful wildflower along your path, fragrant blossoms testament to the strength of the sunshine, gentle guidance towards light and hope.

naive

hi myra-

well, if you can believe this, i read every word. what a good, expressive writer you are.

i think your boyfriend is bad news and using you. notice how he looses interest in you when he can't freeload at your place?

why not simply get on with your life? you have a fresh start in your new place. loneliness will not kill you and it sounds as though you have a good support system in place with your friends and therapy.

i do undertand how charming the reckless, handsome drinker can be. there is a bit of the cowboy spirit when they are younger, which is appealing. however, as you know, this disease of alcoholism only gets progressively worse and i found with my cowboy, his charm wears off after about drink 10. then he becomes indifferent, moody, depressed, suicidal, etc.

keep working your writing and getting your feelings out. try to stay away from him and please, don't let him move into your new beaufiful santuary!

really, he has shown you who he is. he is a user and a manipulator.

you deserve someone who appreciates your sensitivities and creativity, not someone who will blank you on your birthday!

you take care now,
naive

myraelen

Left the bookstore as they were closing late last night with a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft and I could NOT put it down. Finished it. Wildly illuminating and haunting. Gives me plenty to be grateful for, gratitude that the nonsense is pretty much in my past, but essentially I am still floored. Spent 3 years in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship that I ended a year ago this week only to blindly make the unfortunate choice to be 'rescued' from my traumatic experience by my cowboy.
"You have no right to object to how I treat you,"
I would never have believed it, that any human could be capable of such controlling reasoning, and it is scary that I have experienced retaliation for my objections multiple times in many different forms but I never understood that this was the intended message. Why couldn't he just say that in the first place? Kinda makes me laugh at how silly and dramatic they can be when we have a better perspective. Kinda makes me nervous and scared to even think of letting someone else in my life. Every time I stand up for myself and my new boundaries I do feel a sense of accomplishment only to feel moments later a desperate panic in response to the wall he has erected between us in punishment of my newly chosen individuality. And yet, admittedly, I am so tempted to give him another chance, albeit with a largely distancing physical and emotional gap, based on the memories of the enjoyable aspect of our sexual relationship. :-|

bluejay6

I hope you'll continue to work with the mental health professional you mention, myra, for you surely have a lot to process, and perhaps that kind of intimate one-on-one therapeutic work can give you a better outlet for all that you need to share. Your post was lengthy, and for most here, probably daunting in both length and language, but you are most welcome to reach out for experience, strength and hope here as you work through any issues related to your relationship with an alcoholic. If you keep your posts shorter, you'll probably get more immediate feedback. There is much support here.

I'm sorry that what you wanted so very much with him has not come to pass. Addiction destroys all chance of a happy, healthy, safe relationship.

Welcome.

Bluejay