no more happiness?
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
no more happiness?
Hey y'all, thirtybubba here. I suppose the post says that already.
I feel like a born fool, every third day or so I am facing something I don't understand in my own body. Please forgive me.
Tonight I'm writing to see if any of y'all's ever went through this, and more important what happens next.
This morning, I woke up just feeling blue. Couldn't tell you why. I just did not feel like doing anything at all, from the sites I check out every morning to reading SR. I clicked a few things, then, frustrated, just played FreeCell for a while. It got worse after I realized that today was the doctor appointment. I ate lunch and went to the appointment, all without interest or caring. Just did it, like a zombie or something. I know I been up and down lately, but this is brand new. For all my life, drunk or sober.
I lost it at the doctor's. It turns out I had energy after all, in the form of anger, and luckily she just listened to me through it all, just telling me not to internalize it all—whatever that means. I understand the word, but not how to not do it.
When she told me the results, I was back to having no energy. I just listened to her like she was telling me the results at Preakness. Some things escaped my self-induced alcoholic barrage. Some didn't. The liver is touch and go. I just sat there, staring at something in front of me and hearing words.
After my relapse, my symptoms were relatively minor--perhaps because I was still on the clonidine. Slight temperature control problems, imaginary ants and general dislike of sunshine and other human beings. But today, I am absolutely without desire, happiness, I don't know what exactly. I am not neglecting anything I have to do, but I am not enjoying even the things I normally want to do.
Then I slept all afternoon, which might be because of this or, realistically could still be withdrawal from the relapse. I have a tendency of catnapping during the first two days of sobriety.
I did not drink today. Ironically, feeling all blue like this makes me think that liquor won't even make me happy. But it's not a good thing, I need to be happy. Laughter is the only thing that's gotten me through these past 29 years of Hell, and I got at least one year more to go.
What is happening to me? Why don't I like the things I like? Will I ever again, or do I have to find new things to like? Is this what they mean when they say you should change your environment? Help.
I feel like a born fool, every third day or so I am facing something I don't understand in my own body. Please forgive me.
Tonight I'm writing to see if any of y'all's ever went through this, and more important what happens next.
This morning, I woke up just feeling blue. Couldn't tell you why. I just did not feel like doing anything at all, from the sites I check out every morning to reading SR. I clicked a few things, then, frustrated, just played FreeCell for a while. It got worse after I realized that today was the doctor appointment. I ate lunch and went to the appointment, all without interest or caring. Just did it, like a zombie or something. I know I been up and down lately, but this is brand new. For all my life, drunk or sober.
I lost it at the doctor's. It turns out I had energy after all, in the form of anger, and luckily she just listened to me through it all, just telling me not to internalize it all—whatever that means. I understand the word, but not how to not do it.
When she told me the results, I was back to having no energy. I just listened to her like she was telling me the results at Preakness. Some things escaped my self-induced alcoholic barrage. Some didn't. The liver is touch and go. I just sat there, staring at something in front of me and hearing words.
After my relapse, my symptoms were relatively minor--perhaps because I was still on the clonidine. Slight temperature control problems, imaginary ants and general dislike of sunshine and other human beings. But today, I am absolutely without desire, happiness, I don't know what exactly. I am not neglecting anything I have to do, but I am not enjoying even the things I normally want to do.
Then I slept all afternoon, which might be because of this or, realistically could still be withdrawal from the relapse. I have a tendency of catnapping during the first two days of sobriety.
I did not drink today. Ironically, feeling all blue like this makes me think that liquor won't even make me happy. But it's not a good thing, I need to be happy. Laughter is the only thing that's gotten me through these past 29 years of Hell, and I got at least one year more to go.
What is happening to me? Why don't I like the things I like? Will I ever again, or do I have to find new things to like? Is this what they mean when they say you should change your environment? Help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: here
Posts: 70
How long have you been sober? I'm not sure how to describe what is happening to you, but I went through the same thing. In time you'll come around to your old self again. I did, but it took months. I don't think this is the same thing as the usual "you should change your environment." I could be wrong, but I thought that phrase referred to removing alcohol and alcoholic triggers from your life, and lifestyle. Who knows I could be way off base on that one. Best of Luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
, Powerful post. Thanks for the share.
I'm LOL and wanted to cry, hear the hurt and then some.
Feeling kinda numb? I Know I'am.
All of this will past. Believe, visualize it, make it happen..
Focus.
I'm laughing and a lot, probably inappropriately, but, so what.
I'm listening to music, nourshing my soul, having a cup of Joe.
God, the coffee and cigs....what will get me 1st? LOL
I'm here if you need to vent..........
We R not alone.
Stay strong, I know I have a long, hard, weary road.
One step at a time. Repeat this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
All of these things are common Bubba. If staying sober was easy, none of us would be here.
All you have to remember is - don't drink.
And secondly, what you're feeling might not necessarily be 'true' - did I give you the link about post acute withdrawal syndrome?
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
Thirdly - have patience. This is the hard one for us. We're used to immediate gratification.
Recovery takes work....and time. But it's worth it.
Hang in there
D
All you have to remember is - don't drink.
And secondly, what you're feeling might not necessarily be 'true' - did I give you the link about post acute withdrawal syndrome?
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
Thirdly - have patience. This is the hard one for us. We're used to immediate gratification.
Recovery takes work....and time. But it's worth it.
Hang in there
D
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Hello... is there anybody in there... just nod if you can hear me... is there anybody at home...
Sounds about right for what I'm going through. Seems easier to be 'comfortably numb', but I gotta learn how to live otherwise. I don't play, but I would love to learn. I've been thinking about that for months now, unfortunately all those months I've been near broke. That should be changing though.
Dee, I'm so sorry. I just keep panicking. Which is really funny, 'cause I'm usually pretty level headed. Thank you for all your reassuring words, and for the link. That pretty much describes me. Now I got two things to hate about lunar cycles... Great.
CD-, again, months. Great. Oh well, I guess the good days in between are going to be better than years of neither up nor down. That might ease my pain on these days. Although I am hearing you say that it does get better.
Oz (again), no, I don't really have people to talk to. I don't know anybody where I live--well that I know their phone number. And those I do know are sometimes difficult to reach and often under the influence. That's why SR is great!
Tall, music and laughter, that's where it's at. And whose to say what's appropriate?
I'm going to bed now and see if tomorrow isn't better. And I'm promising to try and keep all of this emotional stuff in perspective.
Sounds about right for what I'm going through. Seems easier to be 'comfortably numb', but I gotta learn how to live otherwise. I don't play, but I would love to learn. I've been thinking about that for months now, unfortunately all those months I've been near broke. That should be changing though.
Dee, I'm so sorry. I just keep panicking. Which is really funny, 'cause I'm usually pretty level headed. Thank you for all your reassuring words, and for the link. That pretty much describes me. Now I got two things to hate about lunar cycles... Great.
CD-, again, months. Great.
Oh well, I guess the good days in between are going to be better than years of neither up nor down. That might ease my pain on these days. Although I am hearing you say that it does get better.Oz (again), no, I don't really have people to talk to. I don't know anybody where I live--well that I know their phone number. And those I do know are sometimes difficult to reach and often under the influence. That's why SR is great!
Tall, music and laughter, that's where it's at. And whose to say what's appropriate?
I'm going to bed now and see if tomorrow isn't better. And I'm promising to try and keep all of this emotional stuff in perspective.
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
I feel for you Bubba. You are reminding me of how tough the good fight is in the beginning. Thanks! When your days turn to weeks and months you should have many more better days and fewer yuck ones.
Miracles take time but they are worth waiting for.
FYI... I noticed on my last handful of "slips" that it took over a week to get back to semi-normal feelings. Hang in there.
Miracles take time but they are worth waiting for.
FYI... I noticed on my last handful of "slips" that it took over a week to get back to semi-normal feelings. Hang in there.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
First of all what you are feeling is pretty normal in early sobriety. it came and went, came and went for over a month with me, the down times grew further apart over time.
I had tons of people to talk to in early sobriety, people who were also alcoholics and had been through what I was going through and had come out on the other side.
I did not know any body either, I did not make any friends the 5 years I spent in my garage drinking by myself. When I first got sober I easily made tons of friends and aquaintenances that were recovering alcoholics.
In early sobriety and still I have a sponsor, he was pretty easy to get a hold of on the phone any time of the day and he was always sober no matter when I called. If he was not there I had tons of other sober recovering alcoholics that I could call at any time of the day or night no matter what I needed to talk about.
These same people, the recovering alcoholics were also more then happy to get up out of thier nice warm bed and meet me at a coffee shop and just talk if I needed them.
One of the main reasons I was able to get through early sobriety is because of the love and support I got from fellow recovering alcoholics, some of them sharing with me how they had stayed sober for many years.
I love SR, but if it is 3 AM and I need some one to talk to, posting a request for support and then sitting there waiting for some one to reply would have been frustrating to say the least. Speakiing to people and meeting them face to face, getting a hug, seeing them smile, seeing that twinkle in their eye, that is what gave me HOPE!!!!
Have you thought about AA? I found all of the above and so much more in AA, it did not cost me a dime yet it is/was priceless to me.
no, I don't really have people to talk to. I don't know anybody where I live--well that I know their phone number. And those I do know are sometimes difficult to reach and often under the influence. That's why SR is great!
I did not know any body either, I did not make any friends the 5 years I spent in my garage drinking by myself. When I first got sober I easily made tons of friends and aquaintenances that were recovering alcoholics.
In early sobriety and still I have a sponsor, he was pretty easy to get a hold of on the phone any time of the day and he was always sober no matter when I called. If he was not there I had tons of other sober recovering alcoholics that I could call at any time of the day or night no matter what I needed to talk about.
These same people, the recovering alcoholics were also more then happy to get up out of thier nice warm bed and meet me at a coffee shop and just talk if I needed them.
One of the main reasons I was able to get through early sobriety is because of the love and support I got from fellow recovering alcoholics, some of them sharing with me how they had stayed sober for many years.
I love SR, but if it is 3 AM and I need some one to talk to, posting a request for support and then sitting there waiting for some one to reply would have been frustrating to say the least. Speakiing to people and meeting them face to face, getting a hug, seeing them smile, seeing that twinkle in their eye, that is what gave me HOPE!!!!
Have you thought about AA? I found all of the above and so much more in AA, it did not cost me a dime yet it is/was priceless to me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hi,
With each day of sobriety, you will feel the joy of life, and be able to FEEL emotions that you have numbed through alcohol. Not all these emotions are pleasant as you are experiencing at the moment...
You just have to believe that it will get better...
Hang in there, you can do this...:ghug3
With each day of sobriety, you will feel the joy of life, and be able to FEEL emotions that you have numbed through alcohol. Not all these emotions are pleasant as you are experiencing at the moment...
You just have to believe that it will get better...
Hang in there, you can do this...:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: up north
Posts: 102
(((thirtybubba)))
Hang in there. "This too shall pass." is what I have heard countless times. I know it is SO hard to imagine when you are depressed, but just hang on, because it WILL.
I think this type of crazy emotional upheaval (or even lack thereof) is why so many of us 'slip' and go back to the bottle.
I have been fluctuating wildly between intense rage, sorrow, and depression...
It is very difficult to endure. I had a tiny reprieve from this roller coaster last night (see our august thread for the story), and I am going to hang on to it. Although I do not feel content at this moment (far from it) I know I felt it for a moment last night, and that is what is going to keep me going today (I hope).
Is there anything at all in your life that could make you feel better right now? (no, not booze! )
A food, activity, certain song, movie...?
If nothing else talk to your doctor about your depression. I know a lot of us have underlying issues with depression. This is why we turn to self-medication.
You will get through this.
Hang in there. "This too shall pass." is what I have heard countless times. I know it is SO hard to imagine when you are depressed, but just hang on, because it WILL.
I think this type of crazy emotional upheaval (or even lack thereof) is why so many of us 'slip' and go back to the bottle.
I have been fluctuating wildly between intense rage, sorrow, and depression...
It is very difficult to endure. I had a tiny reprieve from this roller coaster last night (see our august thread for the story), and I am going to hang on to it. Although I do not feel content at this moment (far from it) I know I felt it for a moment last night, and that is what is going to keep me going today (I hope).
Is there anything at all in your life that could make you feel better right now? (no, not booze!
)A food, activity, certain song, movie...?
If nothing else talk to your doctor about your depression. I know a lot of us have underlying issues with depression. This is why we turn to self-medication.
You will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
:ghug3
30, going to be up and about, have lots to do. When U get this, just call.
Stay strong.
My plan for today:
Shower/dress/eat.
Church.
AA meeting; among others tasks, but the top 3 are a must for me today.
30, going to be up and about, have lots to do. When U get this, just call.
Stay strong.
My plan for today:
Shower/dress/eat.
Church.
AA meeting; among others tasks, but the top 3 are a must for me today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
(((thirtybubba))) You CAN do this! You MUST hold onto the fact that it WILL get better. Even though it might not feel that way. It's a lie. The alcoholic voice is trying to do everything it can to win you back. YOU must win...you must! Keep fighting! You are doing this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 542
Hi bubba,
I'm hear for you anytime friend!! Please PM Me and lets' talk about things. You sound lonely and that's NO FUN at all. Heh...you got some good music on to cheer you up? You come to the meeting tonight too friend. They really do help...hearing others share about the same problems can be so helpful and calming. It is reassuring to know were NOT ALONE in all this stuff. Alcohol is a terrible disease and does some wicked things to us during the withdrawls BUT....it is SO WORTH fighting for the Good LIFE again and for me Life has NEVER been better than it is now that I'm finally SOBER!
We ALL Love you Bubba!!!
Love Pancake XO (((((HUGS to you!)))))
I'm hear for you anytime friend!! Please PM Me and lets' talk about things. You sound lonely and that's NO FUN at all. Heh...you got some good music on to cheer you up? You come to the meeting tonight too friend. They really do help...hearing others share about the same problems can be so helpful and calming. It is reassuring to know were NOT ALONE in all this stuff. Alcohol is a terrible disease and does some wicked things to us during the withdrawls BUT....it is SO WORTH fighting for the Good LIFE again and for me Life has NEVER been better than it is now that I'm finally SOBER!
We ALL Love you Bubba!!!
Love Pancake XO (((((HUGS to you!)))))
Owner of a strange glitch.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Well, slept some and stared at the ceiling lots. There are little bumps all over it. In a better mood today, I guess all the more experienced people were right (who woulda thunk it?). Thank y'all again.
c49999 (did I spell that right?), you are actually very welcome for the reminder. As long as my agony and frustration help somebody, 'cause I'm not sure they'll be much use to me (I'll probably repress this as soon as its over lol).
Tazman, yeah, I went to that AA meeting last Sunday. It's the nearest I could find, and almost 50 1/4mile blocks away. It's difficult for me to get around in the suburbs, there no local buses after around 6 and all the meetings (all 4) end after that.
And I did get some numbers, they wrote them in the book they gave me, but I would have no idea what to say for waking somebody I never met up at three am. Although I'm not sure why three am. That's usually when I pass out from exhaustion lately. Still can't sleep, but all this stress has got me somewhere that's probably no more healthy for me.
MM, BF, yeah, somehow I'm hanging in there. Seems like a lifetime of just holding on, waiting for it to get better. And good decisions tend to make my life worse, bad ones too often don't.
TC, I can't call till 7 pacific.
Sphalerite, music and inane games is keeping me propped up this much. An itunes list carefully culled for songs that motivate/make me happy/don't irritate me/don't remind me of drinking, and FreeCell. 7370 manic games. If I step out to watch TV, there will be problems with the roommates, and I'm trying to avoid that. Sometimes I walk a spell and think from a new perspective. I've been trying to think of things that might make me happier, but the truth is I never had a hobby or anything, so I honestly don't know what I like.
If I could have anything, it would be people that I know & like me. H- I don't care if they hate me. It'd be better than being invisible.
And this weekend, I gotta go very slow. Lonely/bored/ triggers are going to be there. Thanks to the Governator, today's a furlough day, which means I got 72 hours of being all alone on 400 acres. No library, nothing.
Wish me luck/pray for me y'all. I'm aiming to do this, but I know it's not gonna be fun.
Gotta get back to 11 days so I can find out what happens next.
c49999 (did I spell that right?), you are actually very welcome for the reminder. As long as my agony and frustration help somebody, 'cause I'm not sure they'll be much use to me (I'll probably repress this as soon as its over lol).
Tazman, yeah, I went to that AA meeting last Sunday. It's the nearest I could find, and almost 50 1/4mile blocks away. It's difficult for me to get around in the suburbs, there no local buses after around 6 and all the meetings (all 4) end after that.
And I did get some numbers, they wrote them in the book they gave me, but I would have no idea what to say for waking somebody I never met up at three am. Although I'm not sure why three am. That's usually when I pass out from exhaustion lately. Still can't sleep, but all this stress has got me somewhere that's probably no more healthy for me.
MM, BF, yeah, somehow I'm hanging in there. Seems like a lifetime of just holding on, waiting for it to get better. And good decisions tend to make my life worse, bad ones too often don't.
TC, I can't call till 7 pacific.
Sphalerite, music and inane games is keeping me propped up this much. An itunes list carefully culled for songs that motivate/make me happy/don't irritate me/don't remind me of drinking, and FreeCell. 7370 manic games. If I step out to watch TV, there will be problems with the roommates, and I'm trying to avoid that. Sometimes I walk a spell and think from a new perspective. I've been trying to think of things that might make me happier, but the truth is I never had a hobby or anything, so I honestly don't know what I like.
If I could have anything, it would be people that I know & like me. H- I don't care if they hate me. It'd be better than being invisible.
And this weekend, I gotta go very slow. Lonely/bored/ triggers are going to be there. Thanks to the Governator, today's a furlough day, which means I got 72 hours of being all alone on 400 acres. No library, nothing.
Wish me luck/pray for me y'all. I'm aiming to do this, but I know it's not gonna be fun.
Gotta get back to 11 days so I can find out what happens next.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I don't think you need luck so much as a desire to be and remain sober. And I do wish you that.
Early sobriety is tough. One moment at a time. Come to SR.
Gotta say, though, even though it's hard work, it's worth every ounce of control I used to remain sober. It's worth it in a thousand things through out my day. You will get there. Slow and easy.
Early sobriety is tough. One moment at a time. Come to SR.
Gotta say, though, even though it's hard work, it's worth every ounce of control I used to remain sober. It's worth it in a thousand things through out my day. You will get there. Slow and easy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by thirtybubba 
yeah, I went to that AA meeting last Sunday. It's the nearest I could find, and almost 50 1/4mile blocks away. It's difficult for me to get around in the suburbs, there no local buses after around 6 and all the meetings (all 4) end after that.
Just google "your town, ca aa meetings". Unless you live in a unpopulated area out in the desert you'll find lots of options.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi thirtybubba - I just read your thread for the first time today & want to repeat what everyone else already said. Do not become discouraged by how you feel these first few weeks. It is definitely a process - your body needs to heal. You need to learn to look at things in a whole new way without being numb. I felt like a bear crawling out of his cave in the spring. The sun was so bright, eveyone was loud, my nerves were raw. I did think a few times that if I never felt better than that, what was the point You will go through many phases during your transition back into the real world. Don't ever feel alone, we are with you. I hope today is better! Love, Joanie
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