mle-sober

I know - that's ridiculous.

But my head is just filled with ideas and reasons why it's okay. Well, it's not okay right now but my alcoholic reasoning says it will be okay when I move. Isn't that crazy? Like why does a move allow me to drink?

And, of course, I'll be able to keep it a secret from anyone in my life that would give a crap. (But, the voice whispers - you couldn't keep it a secret for long because you would fall apart in a messy collapse into active alcoholism.)

And then there's the idea that it would help things. My alcoholic voice says, "Oh! This would help you relax and stop feeling so damn miserable all the time!" And the other voice says, "Right. Like how alcohol brought you solace and peace all those years - pulease. Alcohol brought you nothing but misery. Chaos, self-hatred, and misery."

It's a toss up which voice wins at this point. Even though I've heard others have this exact same discussion with their alcoholic selves. And I know the right answer...

The good news is that I don't move for months and months. I have to wait for my divorce to be further along (months) and then I have to shop for a house and buy one (more months)....

So... I fret and fret and know that I am in need of a meeting and continue to avoid all those meetings and avoid my sponsor and avoid and fret and avoid and ..... But I post this in an effort to be honest with myself. I feel sick.

suki44883

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now, mle. You were one of the very first persons who welcomed me here to SR over a year ago and I've missed your posts lately. Instead of avoiding the meetings and your sponsor, why not give her a call and attend a meeting tonight? A little positive reinforcement certainly couldn't hurt, right?

Anna

Mle, you're through a very stressful time and a time of upheaval and change. The addict voice just loves opportuniies like that. That's why i's talking to you extra loud, right now. Stay focused!

least

I understand how you are feeling. I have to fight with myself every day not to drink away the depression and anxiety and anger. The only thing helping me now is the certain knowledge that drinking will only make things worse... and I'm sure you know that also.

Sending you lots of hugs and love and understanding.

xoxoxo

hendershot

Drinking is an option. If you can trick yourself into thinking somehow it isn't, more power to you, but you can always choose to have a drink if that is what you really want. (in reference to anvilhead there) Good advice on playing the tape through though. Consider not just the initial euphoria, which is pretty short-lived, but rather the rest of the consequences of drinking. I haven't had thoughts like you are describing for a little while but you are right to come on here to share them. I would usually try to nip it in the butt, think about anything else to try and stop the obsessive thought process. A good start is usually thinking about where you were exactly, mentally and physically, before you decided that you needed recovery. This may seem silly but the treatment program I went through had us write "goodbye letters to drugs/alcohol" in the first 30 days. That was a really helpful excersize because I saved it and if I start considering having a drink, I can read in my own words why it is not a good option. Never forget what got you here and you will be less likely to slip up.

mle-sober

I am in the middle of a huge depressing part of my life. I don't want to get divorced and I'm pretty miserable. I do think that you're right, Anna, that this is a big part of why I am struggling so hard to stay sober.

I am trying to keep a focus on how much more miserable drinking would make me. I know it wouldn't solve problems - just cause them. But... but... but... says my stupid alcoholic voice.

I searched for and found a meeting I can get to tonight.

I'm sorry. I know there is only one right answer to this. I feel pretty stupid. I can't believe how hard it is sometimes. And then other times, it feels easy. It's just one of those hard times I need to ride out I guess...

Pagekeeper

I remember doing something very similar--especially knowing what would help me, but not putting any action into it. It was a combination of sloth and pride. I was lazy and lacked humilty--not much of a surprise if you're alcoholic!

Seems to me you have one of two options: either start doing the things you know will help you stay sober and recover, or stay miserable and eventually get drunk.

That about sums it up, really.

Rad44

I have been through the very same scenario you are in now (and fallen prey to it). Even though it makes no sense and you know the right answer the Alcoholic voice will continue to Nag you 24/7 until you give in. Logic and Rationality have nothing to do with it and will not stop you from feeling this way.

Unless you want another relapse on your hands (that will most assuredly be an unmitigated disaster) you need to get back involved in Alcohol Support Groups such as AA as soon as possible. It helps talking about this stuff in the open and the accountability helps as well. Another thing I found very helpful was the Medication Naltrexone which blocks Cravings and Obsessive Thinking (no side effects and non-addictive too). Below is a link to my last (very thoroughly planned) Relapse in case you're interested.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2327462

tommyk

Re-read Anvilhead's post above.

Cravings are lies. Drinking thoughts are lies. Outright lies. Alcohol never solved any problem.

I have no trouble at all anymore recognizing the absurdity of that little voice in my head suggesting I drink, in fact - I laugh at it, sometimes outloud.

Drinking to relax, to solve a problem, or for some good purpose? Ha!

traderjane

(((MLE-sober)))

I just went through a divorce. I haven't gotten over it yet. It was mutual, we had lost the love. However, I still don't understand WHY it happened. I am probably going back to counseling to figure things out.

I understand that "voice" (alcoholic) and I related to your post. I think what you did -- voice your feelings here -- was incredibly positive and the right thing to do.

Others have better advice on the addiction front, so I'll just leave it at that -

Laura

ElegantlyWasted

Best wishes and empathy.... As best I can figure out is do something you enjoy that will get you mind off of what is causing you to crave. Best of Luck. Send out positive energy... it contagious just like its opposite.

yeahgr8

So you have gone from your original post to organising to get to a meeting in less than one hour, that's fantastic! Wishing you well and enjoy the meeting!

Great example to set:-)

eddie73

Im sorry 2 Emily, I am not going thru an event like u, but I am feeling for u. Im afraid for u and some others including myself. As u say, it is easy to create a reason to drink. I so would love to be able to have a few sociable ones but alas, this is not our road.

The worst of times is so associated with denial and avoidance, it is so easy to go automatically for the first bottle and eventually block book the next week in the diary that is free for bedroom drinking.

That is such an ugly thought when u imagine someone else doing it. But I can lie to myself and somehow convince myself that it would be ok for me to do it, as if I dont count!

This idea must pass. It must pass. It will be insignificant in the fullness of time, as it is lucid and tangible right now. With you 110% on this.

I miss the first day of an alcoholic holiday but the package deal is straight from hell.

NEOMARXIST

Drinking is not an option

This is the philosophy I must stick rigid to 100% of the time in-order for me to remain sober. Period.

mle-sober

I just talked to my brother (who is 18 years sober) and he told me he found out this past week that his son has recently wrecked his life for love of the bottle. He has hidden his addiction for a decade from his dad. He's in treatment right now. And suffering that hell we all know - that hell of realizing you are an alcoholic and you have F'd up in so many and various ways. I go back to that time. I don't want to go back there. Not ever.

Thank you to each and every one of you that shared your thoughts. I feel sick with this. Like a horrible virus that I can't seem to shake. But I am trying. And your voices matter to me. Just being honest with you is a start at distancing myself from this temptation.

NEOMARXIST

Honesty is always the best policy. Sharing is caring. (cant believe I just said that! haha)

tallcactus

((mle-sober))
Know these thoughts well and I'm filling for legal seperation tomorrow and I'm fighting and trying to hold on with all that I have. I feel like I'm in jail, but not, Focus on the HALT's.

Get me out of here! Scotty beam me up.
Dealing with all of this is tought, I'm using laughter.
Stay strong.

Dee74

I know the feeling mle.

Sometimes it seems like doing *anything* would be preferable to the period of prolonged stress that events have put us under, through no fault of our own.

Maybe it'll just break the tension...I'll reset myself...it'll just be one night...

The bottom line is - I dunno about you, but I could never make alcohol do what I wanted it to. I'm not wired that way, or something, I dunno.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't find peace and relaxation - I'd find sorrow and guilt and fear and anger and frustration...and I'd lose my perspective with it all into the bargain.

I'm also pretty sure I'd find it wouldn't just be one night...

...and all those nasty little parts of my life, and of myself, that I hope I've left behind forever, would be back...in force.

All my good work of rebuilding my life, dealing with things, growing...compromised.

I look back at all it took me to get to this point and I'm not sure I could get the lid back on.

I don't want to lose all that - so when I get the crazy ideas, I'll pull everything I have out of my 'toolbox'...even the stuff that I really can't be bothered doing...because anything is better than going back to where I've come from.

I've written this for me as much as you - it's been a rough couple of days - the thoughts are very nebulous and not 'serious' - but you've reminded me I need to have a rummage around my toolbox too

thank you
hugs mle

D

ChameleonBoy

How did you get inside my head? Next time ask first. (I am so sarcastic I am constantly saying sorry)....So I won't this time....just get out.

Jomey

Hey mle - stay strong...good advice here....I've been going thru some stressful events with my health this summer (nothing serious, thank God) but enough to set me back some on pulling my share of the load on our farm, and, God help me, I actually thought of drinking to beat the fatigue.

HUH????? Drinking to BEAT feeling exhausted and chewed up??? Mmmmm...I guess that little voice inside us can try to make sense out of ANYTHING.

Stay strong, get to your meeting, and stay close here. Your posts have inspired me so often. I know you can make it through this tough time sober.

Hugs,
Jomey