notbroken

I'm new here. I attended my 1st Ala-non meeting this week. My AH has been gone this week on a business trip. Which of course I'm sure alcohol was involved. However, the 3 nights I have talked with him, he hasn't sounded drunk. Doesn't mean he hasn't had anything to drink, just didn't let it progress that far. I will not be home Friday when he returns because I have a meeting to be until 7. So he will be home alone for a couple of hours. So, since I'm new to Ala-non I have been trying to prepare myself for things so I don't loose my temper and/or say the wrong things. So, with the experience you have had, should I be prepared when I come home that he will be drunk?

Still Waters

No - I wouldn't be. I'd be prepared to detach from whatever the situation is rather than buy stress and worry for the future.

Meh - let him do what he'll do, it's not your deal.

jehnifer

dont waste energy projecting on what may be...or setting expectations for him...because you cannot control any of it. Spend your time asking yourself what YOU are ggoin to do when you get home - for YOU. Make a list of the things you are going to do to take care of yourself, enjoy the evening, etc. Have a plan in place to go somewhere if you decide when you get home that you dont want to be there. Thats what I have started doing. It will help you take your mind off him. And you will feel better and in control of the things you should be in control of - YOU. GOod Luck!!

naive

hi notbroken-

all the above is good advice.

try to stay present in today, and not project into the future which hasn't happened yet.

that said, since you anticipate he might be drunk, have a plan. if you don't want to deal with it, then have somewhere to go to perhaps a friend's house for the night.

actions speak louder than words. if he drunk, words wouldn't get through to him anyway. but waking up in the morning and you're not there might send a message that you mean business this time.

naive

twopznapod

i don't know if i would necessarily expect anything...how can you expect the unexpected...by assuming or expecting he'll be drunk when you get home you are setting him up for failure from the get go...don't expect anything, don't plan for anything...and as difficult as it may be please do not detach from any situation...in order for you to heal you have to feel...you have to feel the anxiety of not knowing what is waiting on the other side of the door, you have to feel the disappointment of if he is drunk when you get there, you have to feel the joy of him being sober when you get home, more importantly you have to feel the confidence in yourself to do whatever it right for you, whether it's leave for the night or stay...the only true advice i can offer and what got me through many sleepless nights is "This too shall pass...To thine own self be true." alright so it's two different sentences, but i think they are really powerful when put together...the bad times as well as the good times will always pass and for me, my regrets are minimal because i try so hard to stay true to myself...those words have gotten me through more times than you would believe...you'll be fine have a little confidence and faith in yourself..

blessed4x

When I started realizing I was more relaxed and happy when my XAH was out of town, and started feeling anxiety and worry upon his arrival, I knew it was time to do something different.

Is this how you dreamed your marriage would be? I'm thankful that you made it to Alanon. I know you will learn so much there if you keep going back. When I let my XAH know I had started going to meetings, the crapola hit the fan, so don't be surprised if you are met with some hostility. Hold your ground and keep the focus on doing the next right thing for you.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family broken!

I'm glad you are attending Al Anon meetings and posting here. You will find lots of experience, wisdom and support. I enjoy my meetings and my friends here at SR. I picked up a brochure at Al Anon this week on Detachment. I thought I'd share it here for everyone:

"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Seperating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical seperation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

Alcoholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help.

In Al Anon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinking. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."

I hope you are able to detach from what may or may not happen Friday night, and enjoy your day and your other planned activities.

Take care of You!

HanahGoodness

notbroken,

I love business trips! It lets me be me...the sense of freedom without the anxiety of him around is like a breath of fresh air. That in itself tells me that you are ready to take control of your own life all the time, not just when he is out of town.

Get some books that will help you learn how to detach. CoDependent No More, Boundaries, and the literature that Alanon gives out. Keep those with you when he comes home. Don't worry about how to react to him....if you keep true to yourself, don't waste your anger on someone who can't be worthy of it until he takes control of himself.

I'm just speaking from past experience...I've gone through the anger, the devastation he caused me, and I know that if I let him destroy me, I can't ever be happy again. He has chosen his path...now he needs to find his way out of it in order for it to be a real recovery. My AH and I are still together, but he knows that his behavior is pushing me away. If and when he realizes he pushed me beyond coming back, he will have to deal with that...not me.

Jadmack25

When I began going to AlAnon I hid doing so. ABF found out and was furious because, as he said "You are showing me up in public as an alco. I know I am one, but you have no eight to advertise it. You don't know these people, and I don't want my business being spread all over town, making a fool of me."

I just suggested that brawls, flirting with hookers and bar tarts, falling off his bar stool, being sick over pub floors and in the main street, sleeping on benches and gutters, and staggering around town wasn't exactly flying under the radar. Told him the one pub owner suggested to me that ABF needed help as he was getting close to brainfried, but I had said to "tell you that as not my problem".

ABF was quiet about me going after that for a couple of years, then made it impossible for me to continue as his presence disrupted everyone there.

I use the books I got and other helpful literature, plus now SR of course and life is much better now.
Don't let someone with no control over themselves try and control your life needs to give them an ego boost or let them feel good by doing so.